End of a friendship

[ilovemusic]

I have been friends with this woman for almost 30 years. We became friends as we worked together, and we've seen each other get married, have children, get divorced etc. We've supported each other through many life events and kept in touch after no longer working together.
She has been a wonderful support over recent years where I've had some awful experiences with a failed relationship and cancer. She has been in a relationship from 2015, and I met my partner at the end of 2016. About a year ago she became very distant, only replying to texts when I made the effort and something seemed "off". I've asked her outright on several occasions if there's anything wrong or if I've inadvertently upset her and she's assured me I haven't.
A few days ago I sent her a text and got another abrupt response so once again I asked if there was anything wrong. She replied, being very blunt (as is her style) to say that our lives have moved in different directions and she wasn't bothered about keeping in touch. I reminded her of how we e stuck together through so much and that I valued her friendship, only to get the response "I'm not going to explain any further, don't contact me again".
I was very upset by this and can't understand what the issue is. She does have form for this and has cut off other friends, but none as longstanding as me. She has also cut both parents out of her life - she's an only child and had no qualms about doing this.
My DP says I'm better off without her but it hurts like hell 😟

Oh that’s sad, OP. Friendship ‘breakups’ can be just as traumatic as romantic ones. Let yourself wallow and grieve for a while, but it really does sound like it’s her loss.

I'm not sure what her being an only child has to do with anything but you have my sympathy. It is hard when a friendship comes to an end.

It's no consolation but she's probably quite unhappy at the moment too. It can be very difficult if you're trying to ease out of a friendship and the other person keeps it going. The right thing to do would be for a person to sit down and explain why they don't want to keep in touch but it's not very British, stiff upper lip is it?

She sounds like a Riot .... and your DH is absolutely correct.. she's shown you who she is.....

Thanks you for your messages, it's silly but I feel like a child being rejected in the playground- didn't expect to go through this at my age!
I guess I need to accept it and move on

I met my partner at the end of 2016. About a year ago she became very distant, only replying to texts when I made the effort and something seemed "off"
Could it be your current partner she doesn't like?

She's never met him!

Oh god @ilovemusic

Your post is almost exactly the story of the decline and fall of the relationship with my XBF.

It started when I met now DH in the aftermath of the breakup of my first marriage. XBF never ever took to him. Everyone - and I mean everyone - else did.

After spending two and a half years trying to extrapolate from her WTF was going on as she was obviously checking out of the relationship she blamed me for “the choices that I’d made”.

She was a saint and an angel to me when my marriage dived BUT she had an obvious plan for me that I very quickly deviated from when I met DH and got pregnant quite quickly.

I’ve only just twigged that’s what’s happened and that’s over two years of trying to figure it out.

Do you think that’s what’s happened here?

I think you could be right Legend. It almost feels as if when your life is sorted, you're of no interest to them and that they can't get off on your misery! I did consider that as a rationale but could hardly believe that someone could be that callous!

It does sound very similar to your experience

Maybe you have exhausted her capacity for support? You said yourself she has been wonderful in recent years. Perhaps, an imbalance has crept in. Sometimes, when you are going through a series of stressful events and rely on someone else, you lose sight of their needs and the friendship becomes overwhelmingly one-sided. I have completely axed a friend recently for that reason. What was once a fairly mutually supportive friendship was becoming more and more skewered, with my ex friend exhausting me with her neediness. Her blinkered and rather self-centred attitude began to grate. Overall, hers weren’t even massive problems, she just started taking me for granted. I had a double bereavement and was barely treading water. It made me less tolerant and her constant messages seeking reassurance really irritated me. Maybe your former friend wanted to focus on her own happiness and pour her energy into her relationship after being there for others, including you! My views are obviously skewered by my own experience but I often feel when people post stuff like your OP, they are so wrapped up in themselves and probably missed several social cues. She probably had enough of having everyone else’s problems dumped on her and it makes you sound a bit cuntish to bring up her parents. She might have very good reasons for drawing a line under possibly very toxic relationships.

It broke my heart more than the end of my marriage so it did. Honestly. And the rage I feel now I’ve finally caught on...

You’ve been through a hugely rough time of it and come out the other side. I will never understand folk who seem to be a rock and a guide when times are so hard and then act like a wanker and fade away when things are good... it’s like moving on with your life has insulted them in some way.

You have to move on from this. She is no longer your friend. A friend is someone who’s got your back when you’re down and celebrates the good times with you and vice versa.

You’re not needy, nor sad not have you done anything wrong. A massive boost for me is when I realised I’ve not seen my XBF since August and I don’t actually miss her.

Be excellent in your new life OP. You only get one and fuck the haters x

If she's never met your partner - and the 'distancing' started around the time you met him, it does sound like there's a link. So sorry OP. What a horrible situation.

I often feel when people post stuff like your OP, they are so wrapped up in themselves and probably missed several social cues

That’s why it’s very important to have honest friendships, where you can say “I love you but I need space. I get that you’re having a tough time but I’ve got a world of shite going on and I can’t do much right now”.

But I think you’re making some harsh assumptions here @TemptressofWaikiki based on your experience (which sounds as if it’s justifiably piss ANYONE off )

I wouldnt say anyone is being unreasonable here, but I do believe she could have been more tactful about phasing you out.

It is totally understandable to be hurt. It is time to move on though, as she has made it explicitly clear she is doing so.

I've had some crap to deal with but I've given her as much support in return, including driving her everywhere and going out with her when others have let her down. She's also the sort of person who would tell me straight if I was being too much of a drain.

Either she’s genuinely moved on. Or else she could be in an abusive relationship.

You need to grieve and move on. I understand it is terribly painful and it is a type of bereavement. Be kind to yourself.

I'm going to go for: there was a bond when you were both struggling. Now your life has improved it makes her feel bad about her own. Possible?

Blimey she certainly is blunt, there are much kinder ways to end a friendship surely. As you say she has no qualms cutting people off including her parents, so just accept this as an indicator of who she is and move on.

She was rude.You haven't don't anything wrong and I know it hurts- I broke up with my ex best friends in may last year.

You will get through this. It comes in waves but it's been around 8 months now and it feels less raw and I'm ready to move forwards. People come to teach us lessons and leave. I would really recommend deleting her off all social media accounts. I kept two of them on but that only hurt me seeing their photos of them all having fun.

I would recommend writing a letter to get closure, getting all your hurt out but not necessarily sending it.

Can you meet new people even if that's the last thing on your mind right now?

As I said, my views are probably skewered. But I have seen similar scenarios among my friends and had the opportunity to see both their experiences side by side. The perplexed and aggrieved party in quite a few cases, was so consumed with themselves, their former friends got fed up of being taken for granted and moved on. In the case of your former friend, her new partner might be isolating her, or she is feeling empowered to stop being a people pleaser and decided to let go off people that were a constant drain. In my case, my former friend chose to ignore repeated friendly appeals to be less self-centred till I literally exploded. And, I don’t feel the slightest bit guilty, it’s a massive relief. Without both sides of this story, who knows. It just irked me that the OP brought up other people to shame her ex friend. It could have actually been a positive move to stop being a doormat and put herself first

OP you had my sympathy until you added the only child bolloks. ffs what's that got to do with anything. fucking MN and this obsession with some posters about connecting being an only child to something negative

ohhereweareagain Exactly, bringing her other relationships into this really made me

I’m an only child, I chose to just let that comment pass me by, filed under “misguided”.

It is sad, but as a pp said, not sure what it has to do with her being an only child

I believe the OP mentioned the ‘only child’ thing to illustrate that she had cut off literally all of her immediate family.

Not because there is something wrong with only children.

telling you not to contact her again seems blunt

I think you have to accept that this friendship means more to you than it does to her. Friendship has to be a two-way street. Time to move on. You can still have happy memories of the time you did spend together previously