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Original poster

End of a friendship

164 replies

ilovemusic · 25/01/2018 13:14

I have been friends with this woman for almost 30 years. We became friends as we worked together, and we've seen each other get married, have children, get divorced etc. We've supported each other through many life events and kept in touch after no longer working together.
She has been a wonderful support over recent years where I've had some awful experiences with a failed relationship and cancer. She has been in a relationship from 2015, and I met my partner at the end of 2016. About a year ago she became very distant, only replying to texts when I made the effort and something seemed "off". I've asked her outright on several occasions if there's anything wrong or if I've inadvertently upset her and she's assured me I haven't.
A few days ago I sent her a text and got another abrupt response so once again I asked if there was anything wrong. She replied, being very blunt (as is her style) to say that our lives have moved in different directions and she wasn't bothered about keeping in touch. I reminded her of how we e stuck together through so much and that I valued her friendship, only to get the response "I'm not going to explain any further, don't contact me again".
I was very upset by this and can't understand what the issue is. She does have form for this and has cut off other friends, but none as longstanding as me. She has also cut both parents out of her life - she's an only child and had no qualms about doing this.
My DP says I'm better off without her but it hurts like hell 😟

OP posts:
Padstowonthames · 26/01/2018 21:02

Very tough. People are weird and she sounds decidedly odd/maybe jealous of your new relationship. I have some ex-friends who didn't support me when my bil died from cancer. Tough times can show people in their true colours. I've struggled to trust people since, they are probably oblivious!

NoMudNoLotus · 26/01/2018 21:03

@ilovemusic i had exactly the same experience.

I was devastated... yes i was going through a hard time but actually the support i had given her through the decades far outweighed anything she gave me.

Some people are selfish . Very selfish. And it hurts like hell for a very long time.

Now i dont get too close to people . Im under no illusion anymore and its been a tough life lesson.

The people making negative comments to you are likely to be similar to your ex friend - selfish and self absorbed.

Coyoacan · 26/01/2018 21:06

I'm afraid I haven't read all the comments, just wanted to send you my sympathy. I find it very hard to let an old friendship go.

theabysswithin · 26/01/2018 21:24

I'm not sure I buy the idea that the friendship has just come to a natural end, or the idea that she dumped you because it was one sided. Or the project theory. All of these are plausible enough but I don't think on their own they would prompt that dramatic response.

But if you have simply outgrown a friendship or don't have time for it you don't usually send an extremely aggressive message saying "don't contact me". That kind of response is prompted by anger or sadness or resentment.

There's clearly some water under the bridge between you and I haven't heard her side of the story. But you've clearly upset her or pissed her off in some way.

As someone said upthread you could message her and say after 30 years you deserve an explanation. But be prepared for the fact that you likely won't agree with what she says and will be hurt and upset by it. Otherwise you may just have to write it off.

It's very painful -- I've been through this in the past and its harder to find closure with the end of a friendship than it is with a romantic/sexual relationship by far.

waitingfortheendtocome · 26/01/2018 21:45

Odd. She supported you through your cancer, this is a huge friendship tester and generally find out who your friends are!
This makes me think that the problem is at her end, possibly depression?
It's a very sad time for you, have nc as you'll only piss her off.
Let's hope she contacts you in the future, when she's got through what ever it is Thanks

londonmummy1966 · 26/01/2018 22:43

I'm sorry that you've had to deal with this OP. Are you sure that the messages come from her - I had this with a close friend and it was actually her new partner who was messaging me on her phone. He was a horrible controlling so and so who has alienated a lot of her friends and not just me as he likes her all to himself .A very difficult situation - if it could be this could you hang in there in case she needs you later?

WanderingStar1 · 26/01/2018 23:15

Haven't RTFT but agree with a previous poster, could your friend be in an abusive relationship? I've been there, where a partner hates you spending time with anyone else, and basically forces you to cut ties with anyone who knew you from before they were a couple! My XBF hated me having contact with anyone I knew from before his time, and was paranoid about any reference to previous partners etc. Maybe message her (word it so he can read it and not get angry with her) and say you understand but if she ever changes her mind or wants your support/friendship you will always be there. You can't do anything more, whether that is the situation or not. Hugs! Flowers

user1493282396 · 27/01/2018 06:58

Ditto mummyoflittledragon, I was in an abusive relationship and cut off all ties (you have to be in the situation to understand why you would do that). Is that a possibility.

Also ditto the responses re: only child. Totally unnecessary and irrelevant comment

Rainbowsandflowers78 · 27/01/2018 07:13

Why has she cut the other friends off in the past?

When people do things it’s more about them than you.

Teacher22 · 27/01/2018 07:21

What a sad story. It doesn’t sound to me as if you have done anything to provoke this cruel rejection and, even if your former friend thought you had, she had a responsibility to discuss it with you before causing such pain. I don’t think there is anything to do but mourn and move on. If this woman behaves like this to others she is likely to be very isolated. It sounds as if you have a decent and supportive partner so that is something, at least.

Underappreciatedtococreator · 27/01/2018 07:38

From what you have said she reminds me of a friend I lost to an abuser. He made her cut all contacts with friends and family. But I never gave up. Every month I would send a message to say I was there if she needed me. When he beat her so badly she was sent to the ER I was the one she called. Don’t cut and run if you feel something is off with her behaviour.

GinDoll · 27/01/2018 08:16

It's horrible. I had the same thing happen to me twice! The first one had a lot of issues and did not want me to move away from our town. I did and I think she felt I'd let her down and so she cut me out. The second just disappeared with no warning, returned over a year later to admit she'd been pissed off with me for no real reason (I was to happy at the time) and we were close friends again for a year. Then she threw another strop at me over nothing and it was my turn to decide it was too much. Still hurt though.... Flowers

mumoid · 27/01/2018 09:23

Haven't RTFP but disconcerted to read earlier posts about casually 'phasing out' a friendship that has run its course as if friendship is a commodity like a range of lipsticks or furniture that is no longer in vogue. Have had similar experience quite recently with friend who has moved on and definitely up in the world through marrying well. Think I simply have lost value in her new world. I know if I asked for an explanation she would make an excuse or just not reply as she has ignored my last text and call. Think I will just leave it now but feel sad and my sympathies are with you.

flumpybear · 27/01/2018 09:28

Is her partner controlling? I'm wondering if he sent those messages to you?

Newmanwannabe · 27/01/2018 09:32

I was about to comment the same thing Flumpybear

MoonlightMedicine · 27/01/2018 09:36

I’m an only child (although almost 40!) and I took the comment in the OP to mean that as an only child, cutting off both parents is quite a drastic thing to do. I’ve had serious issues with one of my parents but I personally couldn’t cut her off. It would kill her.

I didn’t see any hint of the OP deriding only children in any way.

Knittingsavesme · 27/01/2018 11:03

I too am wondering if she is in an abusive relationship. Could it be that her partner is influencing her thinking about your friendship and manipulating things so she only has him and no friends?

LemurintheSun · 27/01/2018 11:22

What a shame! I had a similar experience with a friend - again, one who had form. The BF of a couple of years standing before me got cut off when she became friends with me, through no fault of my own. I liked them both. Certain issues between them were mentioned, which were real for her, but... . When she started having coffee with someone else a couple of years later, it was made clear that I was out and the new woman was in. Had also taken a similar approach to her marriage. I had nonetheless enjoyed our friendship, she had been supportive on occasion, and we'd had some good times. I felt a bit hurt, but ultimately accepted that she had some psychological need to move on, which seemed to kick in in many of her relationships. I don't regret the friendship, but I've let it go. Let's face it, many of us do this gradually as our lives change - though usually with less brutal finality. Some people seem to need to draw a line. Her problem, not yours. Not much you can do but accept it.

Motoko · 27/01/2018 12:20

LemurintheSun I had a boyfriend like that. It was well known that he only went out with girls for 6 weeks, so I went in with my eyes wide open and just made the most of my 6 weeks and had fun.
The only thing that annoyed me was that I'd left a bag with some things at his house, and never got it back!

isittooearlyforgin · 27/01/2018 18:21

I think you've had some very unkind responses based on people's own experiences rather than on the details of yours. I agree that circumstances change and what once kept you together no longer applies. I would send an email accepting the situation and respecting her decision but saying that it would help you move on if you knew why, that you've really valued hour relationship and listing what qualities of hers you've appreciated most. This will draw a line under it perhaps for you so that you know you've not ended this relatio ship with a nasty taste in your mouth as far as your input is concerned.
I can imagine it does feel dreadful but after the initial shock and with some time and new friendships it will be a positive if that is how some one so close is prepared to treat you.

sonjadog · 27/01/2018 18:27

But if she sends her a message then she hasn’t respected her decision, as she told her not to contact her again.

isittooearlyforgin · 27/01/2018 18:28

Also to say that I do think some people do cut others including parebts/children out of their lives lightly. My mother stopped seeing me because her boyfriend didn't like the contact she had with her children.

isittooearlyforgin · 27/01/2018 18:30

A last farewell to say goodbye..surely that's allowed after 30 years?

MintyChops · 27/01/2018 19:58

I really feel for you OP. I have phased someone out of my life and felt very bad for doing so. My life had changed a lot, I had had a baby and had pnd and was struggling. She was still the same, a loud, funny woman but very self-centered and I simply didn’t have the strength to get into it with her. I know it was wrong but I really didn’t have the emotional energy to either carry on the friendship or go through why I couldn’t with her. I occasionally see her now through mutual friends and it is a bit awkward but sort of ok.

I guess karma’s a bitch though because now my oldest friend (35 years of friendship) seems to be phasing me out and I have no idea why. It is so upsetting and hurts more that I thought it would. I have actually had some CBT to help me deal with it. I don’t have any good suggestions for you but I really do sympathise and hope you can find some peace even if you do not find any answers.

paranoidpammywhammy2 · 27/01/2018 20:15

A friend cut me off because I knew too much about her past.

She'd exaggerated her family's wealth and misled a few people about her past.

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