End of a friendship

[ilovemusic]

I have been friends with this woman for almost 30 years. We became friends as we worked together, and we've seen each other get married, have children, get divorced etc. We've supported each other through many life events and kept in touch after no longer working together.
She has been a wonderful support over recent years where I've had some awful experiences with a failed relationship and cancer. She has been in a relationship from 2015, and I met my partner at the end of 2016. About a year ago she became very distant, only replying to texts when I made the effort and something seemed "off". I've asked her outright on several occasions if there's anything wrong or if I've inadvertently upset her and she's assured me I haven't.
A few days ago I sent her a text and got another abrupt response so once again I asked if there was anything wrong. She replied, being very blunt (as is her style) to say that our lives have moved in different directions and she wasn't bothered about keeping in touch. I reminded her of how we e stuck together through so much and that I valued her friendship, only to get the response "I'm not going to explain any further, don't contact me again".
I was very upset by this and can't understand what the issue is. She does have form for this and has cut off other friends, but none as longstanding as me. She has also cut both parents out of her life - she's an only child and had no qualms about doing this.
My DP says I'm better off without her but it hurts like hell 😟

I know exactly how you feel. I ve had a similar experience with a friend of 14 years. We were close, went on holiday and she was my bridesmaid. She's always been rubbish at keeping in touch but as the years went by I was the one making all the effort all the time. If she did reply it was blunt with nothing about meeting up. She didn't bother coming to see me after I had dc2. The final straw which made me see so clearly where I stood with her is when she had the final two of her friends at uni as the god mother at her daughters christening. Every uni friend had been involved in wedding or christening except me.

I battle against contacting her all the time and think about her often but she was making me miserable trying to second guess her and getting nothing back for my effort. I think it will just take time for you to hurt less. It's a rubbish thing for her to do.

So you're absolutely, positively certain that you've done nothing that could have offended this woman?

In that case, how has your life been up until recently?

I ask because I think some people like to be friends with others who are not doing so well. And when those people become successful, they don't want to know any more. Maybe your life has always been a bit crap, and hers has been better - but now things have changed and roles are reversed and she's struggling with that? Could this explain it?

This happened to my mum, a very good friend of hers who had supported her through her marriage break up with my dad suddenly stopped being available, and ( this was in the days of land line phones only ) stopped being in when she phoned.

Mum was quite bitter about this, but I gently explained to her that for at least two years it had been a very one-sided friendship, and that she had used her friends husband as a handy man, driver, party organiser, cook at BBQ's etc. . and maybe her friend had simply had enough but didn't want to have the confrontation.

I appreciate the OP says she has tried to maintain contact, but something has obviously happened, even if it is just that the friend has stopped caring after being the 'support' for so long.

It would be extremely interesting to get the friends side of the story!

I'm going through this at the minute. My bestie of the last 3 years just suddenly cut me off. He spat his dummy out and blamed me - unfairly. It's now been 3 months and he's barely spoken to me though insists everything is fine. He has done this to loads of people in his life- they are new and shiny and then someone else is and the old have to go. It hurts like fuck though. Rationally I know he's toxic but still, we had fun. To make matters worse he lives in part of our property and so I have to see him coming and going everyday. I will have to ask him to leave but it seems so final. It feels worse than any break up I've had. Ever. Some people are able to do this- they have no loyalty and just cut people off. If you're not like that it's impossible to comprehend.

I am going through this, but from the other end.

I've basically been supporting a friend in a very one-sided way for years. She has always been very self-centred, but some of the things she is asking me to do now are really quite exploitative and corrupt (she is taking credit for other people's work, including mine - she has a wonderful job, I don't. She's never offered to help me back). She has married a rich guy and has become a huge snob, and on top of that she got married over the summer and behaved like a total bridezilla over it. It's reached the point where it's so one-way that it's actually causing me MH issues, feelings of being worthless etc. I have other friends who don't make me feel terrible, drained, and valueless when I come off the phone to them, and I felt that it was getting so bad that I had to cool the friendship.

I am sure this isn't the case with the OP, who sounds absolutely lovely, but there is another side to the story in some cases!!

It may be that you got a relationship, got your feet back under you, and told her that you actually DONT agree with absolutely everything that she says - and that stronger version of you is someone she no longer can be friends with as you are no longer weaker than her.

^This is what I was thinking.

Feel for your OP - she was rude and of course it hurts. Not sure what you can do about it though? Her loss not yours and not your fault at all - some people just move on and deal with things abruptly others just let things drift. As she has form for this I can only guess she is a cutter. sorry for you though

'Don't contact me again' with no explanation is extremely rude to an ex close friend, even if the friendship has ended. I would respond pointing this out and wishing her well for the future. It might help you to move on if you have the last word.

This sort of behaviour will catch up with her one day OP. Don't take it personally. She has done this to several people before you.

Could it be something to do with her new partner? You say they met in 2015. He might be possessive, emotionally abusive, controlling? Have you met him?

You'll never really know why she's done this, but the best thing to do is to forget about it and move on.
Don't blame yourself.

But on balance, I am seeing that OP appears determined to present the ex-friend in a horrible light, a bit of a comic villain, quite OTT. It just feels a bit nasty and smacks of lack of self-awareness. That and the exasperated final reply of her former friend. The more I read OP’s updates, the more it becomes clear that she has herself pegged as the ‘victim’ in this entire scenario and that quite frankly would boil my pee and I’d be inclined to be as blunt as her former friend

Exactly this.

I always ask myself which is more likely in these scenarios...that someone just decides out of the blue to ditch a perfectly nice friend for absolutely no reason, or that they have decided to stop being friends with someone who has hurt or upset them or done something to harm them?
It's the latter, most likely.

Some people are able to do this- they have no loyalty and just cut people off - I do this; I cut people off. The friend I mentioned above (went on holiday together, did DIY, helped with kids etc) simply disappeared. Completely ghosted me for a year.
When she decided to get back in touch, I cut off down completely. I did it becasue she had done it first, because I don't want someone like that in my life, because if she can do it once, she could do it again...

Why wouldn't you cut someone like that off? It's better for your MH to only have people in your life you can depend on and who love you.

taskmaster - in my cse, my 'friend' simply decided that I was not worth knowing once I'd divorced. She didn't approve of me having a social life, didn't approve of my DP once he came along (didn't stop her using him for DIY stuff) and made it known that she thought my DH the 'best husband in our group' - of about 5 couples. She as really pissed off when I split from him - God knows why she thought it was anything to do with her.

I'd certainly never 'done anything to hurt or harm her'. And the ghosting' came completely out of the blue for me - I didn't even realise I'd been ghosted until about 6 weeks after she'd moved house and I still didn't have her new address.... I sent a 'moving house' card through the kids (at the same school) and still heard nothing, for about a year. Even now I don't think I did anything wrong, or to her.

I feel for you.

My ex bf dropped me without warning or explanation. She moved and didn't give me her new details.

It was like a bereavement where the person is still alive.

It took me a very long time to get over it.

Some time back, I found her on FB and we swapped life updates but never communicated again.

Been through something similar some years back. It hurt terribly at the time, but I can think of her now and not get sad. Given her track record with other friends and even family, I think you are better off without her - the issue is clearly with her and not you. xx

If you didn't even realise you had been dropped you obviously weren't really friends in the first place.

Op just move on, I agree with your dh, she does sound like a very funny person. Do you know why she cut off her parents? Was it something they did or how they behaved, or she just felt like it! You said that she has a form for this behaviour, no explanation. It may be nothing that you did wrong. It may be that the partner does not like you, who knows. Look after yourself and you will make new friends.

@SleepFreeZone

Oh yes, you were a project. I was also a project for someone unknowingly. Once i got myself sorted and met DP and had children I got dropped like a hot potato. Really hurt at the time but I’m fine with it now.

Agree ^

@StormTreader

*Some people need to feel "benevolent", they need to be the parent bestowing wisdom and support upon the suffering child.

It may be that you got a relationship, got your feet back under you, and told her that you actually DONT agree with absolutely everything that she says - and that stronger version of you is someone she no longer can be friends with as you are no longer weaker than her.*

and this ^

@TemptressofWaikiki

Maybe you have exhausted her capacity for support? You said yourself she has been wonderful in recent years. Perhaps, an imbalance has crept in.

And this ^

To the people being rude to the OP on this thread behave. She's lost her best friend and is upset so she doesn't need people picking on her. Time and a place folks.

I cant believe people can write texts like that and hit send. What a cow.

I was upgraded by bestie less than two years ago and I am still not over it. It was as bad as a divorce (emotionally, we obviously didnt argue about who keeps the dog). I saw her every day and she was the centre of my social circle so with her went almost everyone else I know (except acouple exceptions that have chosen to remain friends with both of us).

So I feel your pain.

Best thing you can do is tell yourself she is an insensitive hideous human being and that you dont deserve it, whether it's true or not. I didnt and as a result my self confidence has taken a massive hit. Fuck her.

I feel for you. I had a friend that decided to cut me off out of the blue. I texted her to see why and she called the police on me.

Looking back she was not a good friend. She fell out with lots of others and called the police on one before.

It happens, and it is like a bereavement. Knowing that doesn't make the grief any less or the recovery any quicker.

You don’t deserve it and if there was a problem surely she could have spoken to you about it. It is very cowardly to just cut someone off like that.

You might never find out the reason OP, but I think you should respect her request not to contact her from now on.

She sounds like her mind is made up, and I think all you can do now is walk away and leave her to it.

She's unlikely to see any attempt at contact from you in a positive light, and instead feel harassed or pressured and that won't make her reconsider.

I'm sorry that this has left you hurt and confused, but she's made it clear she won't explain further so she obviously feels she's explained as much as she would like to. Best to focus on other relationships now and leave her be.

maybe you have made comments about being an only child to her face?

What is at the root of people seeing others as some sort of project, and for having a plan for them? I wonder what those plans are?

OP, there's nowt so queer as folk. The reason she's cut you off will be due to her issues, not yours.