End of a friendship

[ilovemusic]

I have been friends with this woman for almost 30 years. We became friends as we worked together, and we've seen each other get married, have children, get divorced etc. We've supported each other through many life events and kept in touch after no longer working together.
She has been a wonderful support over recent years where I've had some awful experiences with a failed relationship and cancer. She has been in a relationship from 2015, and I met my partner at the end of 2016. About a year ago she became very distant, only replying to texts when I made the effort and something seemed "off". I've asked her outright on several occasions if there's anything wrong or if I've inadvertently upset her and she's assured me I haven't.
A few days ago I sent her a text and got another abrupt response so once again I asked if there was anything wrong. She replied, being very blunt (as is her style) to say that our lives have moved in different directions and she wasn't bothered about keeping in touch. I reminded her of how we e stuck together through so much and that I valued her friendship, only to get the response "I'm not going to explain any further, don't contact me again".
I was very upset by this and can't understand what the issue is. She does have form for this and has cut off other friends, but none as longstanding as me. She has also cut both parents out of her life - she's an only child and had no qualms about doing this.
My DP says I'm better off without her but it hurts like hell 😟

Very mean spirited of her. If you can't think of any incident where she has been hurt or upset by anything you've done then it is about her and how she deals with friends. Put your efforts into those that reciprocate your kindness and warmth and try to put her out of your thoughts. Remember the good times for what they were.

I think I would email one last time -- to say you respect her wishes and won't contact her again. But also to tell her that you are sorry that your friendship has ended this way and if you had upset her or done something wrong then you apologise sincerely.

I think I'd also add something to the effect that if she ever needed a friend again you were still there. That last bit is up to you, obviously (as indeed it all is) but it may make you feel better to know you have done all you can and that you have left a door open, in case she wants or needs it. She might be in difficulties at the moment, we don't know.

The 'only child' comment I took to mean that even as an only child she was able to cut her parents out, seemingly without a backwards glance. Not as a negative comment about only children. (i have one myself!) And I realise we don't have the whole story about this friend by any means. But she sounds very unhappy.

Fedup - I had the same, and to this day have no idea why. Best friend from uni, she met her husband through me, I went to stay with her for the weekend (we lived in different cities post-uni) and she pretty much cut me off after that. Nothing that happened that weekend gave way to it, it was all normal! I invited her to my wedding a couple of years later, a last ‘give her the benefit of the doubt’ if you will, and she sent a card recorded delivery wishing us well but didn’t want to come. So that was that...

As others have said, a friendship break up can be just as traumatising and upsetting as a romantic break up. I don’t think as a society we appreciate the complex feelings involved when friendships break down, and the effects it can have on us.

Maybe her partner doesn’t like her having friends and is isolating her from them.

I haven't read the whole thread, sorry, but my immediate thought was that maybe your friend is suffering from depression, as this is what my sister was like. If she hadn't said not to contact her again I would have suggested that you respond saying that you are there if she wants to contact you at any point in the future - maybe you still could and say that you won't contact her again unless she contacts you first?

I had a close friendship ended abruptly three years ago am I still hurt over it. My friend was a very good friend to me. I felt we really clicked. She did lots for me without me ever asking her to do so. I told her things I would never normally tell people and I shared a lot about myself. Then once our kids started nursery her contact dropped off. she had lots going on so I thought she was busy, stressed, so asked after her and offered support. When her bad year was over we met up. While we was out she had a text from the mums at her child’s school asking after her, she said to me “my child’s leaving that school so I will ignore that” and I realised I had only ever been a friend of circumstance. I had a child the same age to go to toddler groups with it and that was the basis of our friendship. Like the school Mum once my use had passed our friendship was over and replaced. I still stay in contact and see her about three times a year and we get on fine. She just no longer has a use for me. Writing that down even now upsets me. I haven’t seen friends in the same light since. I have some wonderful friends but somehow this person has taken a shine off of all my friendships. I would never get so close to anyone again. A friendship I thought was genuine was totally fake. I don’t even know if she ever liked me or just didn’t want to go to toddlers on her own.
It must be worse if the friendship was longer and it’s been totally closed off.

*Dodie66
Maybe her partner doesn’t like her having friends and is isolating her from them.

This was my first thought too as it's very common in abusive relationships. Have you met her partner OP? What was he like?

My 12 year old cousin died in December and a friend i respected unfriended me on social media without any prior discussion. I was hurt and furious. She is the knob not me.

Sprinklestar I’m sorry to hear that. It hurts so much doesn’t it? If she’d given me a valid reason then maybe I would be more accepting. But the fact that everything appeared normal and then she just “dumped” me is difficult. The fact that I still wonder about this 14 years on shows how deeply we are affected by relationships. I’d just love to know why then I can put it to rest. I think that the OP is fully justified in asking for a reason, it’s the least the XBF can do.

I had my childhood friend ghost me and it was very upsetting. We’d known each other for near on 20 years. I kept in touch with her mum and it was because she was suffering from depression..

She eventually resurfaced 10 years later but it’s never been the same

It is very hurtful when a friendship ends like this, and YABNU for being upset about it. She was very blunt certainly, but it sounds like she had been trying to back off gently for some time and you weren't taking the hint. Even when she was very clear that she didn't want to keep it touch, you pushed it again so she had to tell you not to contact her. Horrible getting a text like that, but maybe you should have left it before it got to that point?

That’s a tough situation for you and I’m sorry. Unfortunately you can’t change her mind and you need to grieve that friendship and move on

She could be in an abusive relationship and she is cutting contact.
She could be depressed and is cutting people off.
She could be emotionally tired of having to provide advice and support
She might be going through something she doesn't want to discuss and rather not see people so she doesn't need to explain

Send your friend a letter thanking her for her support over the years and that you have truly valued her friendship. Apologise if all this support has drained her and ever so sorry for anything you have done to affend her. Tell her you respect her decision, although saddened at loosing the friendship. That you will always be there for her if she would ever like to get in touch in the future.
You say she hasn't met your new partner, perhaps this could be a reason?

Best wishes to you.

I'm in a similiar situation with best friend of over 20 years. She does have form for cutting people out of her life. I suppose that I always thought that I was somehow special in that she kept me as a friend but obviously not.
I know that she has her side of the story but from the arguments we had, her issues weren't necessarily logical. Spending time together just became really difficult and I felt like I was walking on eggshells.
I think that you need to just shrug and accept it. Would you ever just cut someone off like this? Can you understand the mentality of being so cruel? Probably not, which is why you won't be able to make sense of it.
It's the lack of closure which I find hard to deal with but I know that if we'd had a final showdown it wouldn't have changed the outcome and it wouldn't have been a pleasant discussion.

Maybe you missed the warning signals? Maybe her new partner prefers her to not to be in touch with friends?

We cannot possibly know the reason and it is unfair to speculate.

All you can do is accept what has happened and gradually come to terms with your feelings of hurt,

I really dislike your snide comments about her going NC with her parents and it dies make me wonder how much of a friend you really were to her if you now need to use that sadness as "evidence" against her. No one goes NC lightly, it's a very painful place to be and you cannot know what went on in her childhood.

That part of your explanations left me feeling sympathetic to her, you were very harsh and you would be no friend of mine.

Try to accept the feelings of hurt and rejection as you feel them. It will get better more quickly than if you play the blame game.

What's the reason she cut the other people out of her life?

Couldn't be bothered with them or they did something to annoy her?

I feel for you OP, it's sad when you think you will be friends forever then one day you feel betrayed.

Do you think it might be something to do with her partner? Maybe she's not happy and he's controlling? Maybe he is the one who is telling her to cut you off and she's only doing it what may seem the easiest way than telling you straight? It just doesn't sound right, you've been friends for 30years, and as soon as she meets a new guy it's like you never had a friendship.

I’m with pp’s saying there is definitely more to this than meets the eye.

Most people don’t “cut parents out” without some private history of serious abuse

Most sensitive people would grasp that.

There’s nothing about how her friend might feel or any genuine concern, it’s all “but what about ME, here’s the evidence I’ve collected to prove she’s a bad one”

OP even had the incident where she claims she “corrected” her ex-friend for speaking ill of her mother (in a snide judge “look how bad and ungrateful
she is, I had to coach her to be polite” way)

I agree also that it’s drip feeding to claim the friend just sent this aggressive email out of the blue, I suspect there was probably an ongoing effort to detach in a more sensitive way but the OP was just getting more and more demanding.

I’ve had to detach from similar people to the OP before. They just were complete hate filled, controlling, passive aggressive users in real life (and I’m sure had/have collected a portfolio of “evidence” that I’m a bad person )

I have cut friends off, and have been happy to do so. I'm sure they would have no idea what they had ever done wrong and they were the innocent party etc etc. However, they weren't and I had reasons, mainly how shit they made me feel, which a friend shouldn't do. I find it hard to believe that most people will cut someone out of their lives without a reason tbh.

You mention in your OP that she has form for this. She sounds like she has her own issues to deal with and you are better off without her.

She does have form for this and has cut off other friends

This was your mistake - you thought she wouldn't do it to you?

It reminds me of a dear friend of mine who had a friend who would bitch about other friends and let them down. She thought she was their special friend and they would never bitch about her or cut her out/let her down. This "friend" got married without telling her.

If they are doing it to other people then it's just a matter of time before it's your turn

Maybe you just have a different view on relationships and friendships OP?

This: 'She does have form for this and has cut off other friends'

Would suggest you do. I do not agree that there is a rule that says that platonic friendships, all or them, or 'special' ones have to last forever / a lifetime.

Some do, and like romantic relationships that do that is a rare and precious thing.

But we all understand that romantic relationships can end, that it can be very painful for either side when they do, especially the one left, but that either party has a right to end them, and that 'I don't want to be in this relationship any more / I feel differently / I've changed and want different things' are all acceptable reasons to do so.

Why should friendship be different? There is massive pressure on female friendships to last forever.

I've ended a few friendships, either because I'd changed but the friendship hadn't, or I'd come to realise the friendship was not in my best interests.

Like early posters suggested, i had some friends who were invested in my having a hard time and especially a poor love life and undermined signs it might be getting better. I 'broke up' with them and found more romantic success afterwards.

They would say that they have no idea why, that nothing had changed, etc. Well, they missed that I was changing. And also were not self aware enough to realise how invested they were in old insecure unhappy in love me, and how they used my failures to make themselves feel better.

The flack i got from some mutual friends and acquaintences when i did this was amazing. Crazy pressure to carry on / patch it up, even when i described how it had become actively bad for me.

It's healthy to be able to end relationships that are not longer serving you.

In fact i am a bit suspicious of people who say they never have / would. Aren't they growing, changing or maturing at all?

I took the only child comment in that the parents wouldn't have any other children to turn to/have a relationship as their only child had gone nc, like saying well at least they had another daughter/son to talk to etc.