End of a friendship

[ilovemusic]

I have been friends with this woman for almost 30 years. We became friends as we worked together, and we've seen each other get married, have children, get divorced etc. We've supported each other through many life events and kept in touch after no longer working together.
She has been a wonderful support over recent years where I've had some awful experiences with a failed relationship and cancer. She has been in a relationship from 2015, and I met my partner at the end of 2016. About a year ago she became very distant, only replying to texts when I made the effort and something seemed "off". I've asked her outright on several occasions if there's anything wrong or if I've inadvertently upset her and she's assured me I haven't.
A few days ago I sent her a text and got another abrupt response so once again I asked if there was anything wrong. She replied, being very blunt (as is her style) to say that our lives have moved in different directions and she wasn't bothered about keeping in touch. I reminded her of how we e stuck together through so much and that I valued her friendship, only to get the response "I'm not going to explain any further, don't contact me again".
I was very upset by this and can't understand what the issue is. She does have form for this and has cut off other friends, but none as longstanding as me. She has also cut both parents out of her life - she's an only child and had no qualms about doing this.
My DP says I'm better off without her but it hurts like hell 😟

Oh had same from old friend. Evil email and NC since

Been there OP. I've been dumped by who I classed as my best friend. Bit of a reverse to your situation though as I was good enough when times were tough but when she got her new fella I was dropped like a sack of spuds.
It hurts. A lot.

I really wasn't doing it to shame her, just to add a bit of context. She always said that she felt I was more like family and I was honoured that she felt like that. Her being an only child wasn't a quip that she's a lesser person- far from it! I guess I was rambling a bit trying to make sense of things but (sorry if it's drip feeding) the reasons she cut both parents off separately are because they've disagreed with her. When my mother died, she told me she wants to know when hers is dead so she can make sure her body is thrown on the Council tip! She had a massive go at me for saying that was an awful thing to say!

Crumbs, it's very sad.
And how sad for her parents too. Are you in touch with the parents, or know why she has done that?
I don't suppose there is a lot you can do about it.

cross post
She doesn't sound like a nice person OP. I'm sure you can find better people to be in your life.

No, I'm not in touch with her parents but know that her mum begged and cried when she was cut off and denied access to her grandchildren, although now they've grown up they've got in touch with her themselves

I think you could be right Legend. It almost feels as if when your life is sorted, you're of no interest to them and that they can't get off on your misery!

maybe she has just realised that you are the kind of person who would say such a revolting thing about someone who has give you so much over so many years?

Hardly a coincidence that this all happened since you met your partner, my guess is she helped and supported you for so long and now feels like you can't be bothered with her now you have a man.

Thanks Taskmaster

If I've dropped her now I have a man, why has it been me making all the effort for over a year?

Nice assumption there
Taskmaster? Ever thought about writing a book?

I am sorry to hear that op, and she has a form for this, I would be constantly wondering when I am next, and you have. Your grieving for the loss of 30 years friendship. There is nothing you could have done, this I believe was an excuse to let you go. Tbh she does not sound very nice, and to treat you in that way after all that time is appealling. Massive hugs to you

Her abruptness and "Don't contact me again" makes it seem as though there is more to it.

Yep. That's an almost odd way to finish a long standing friendship. Also, maybe she was dropping hints to the OP. Then finally she bluntly said don't contact me again. (To be thrown away like that is horrible. Reminds me a of a Suzanne Vega lyric, 'swept up like garbage on a weekend.')

It's probably how the OP's now ex-friend feels and just can't be bothered going through the whole rig-ma-role of the argument and counter argument which just degenerates into a screaming match where neither party comes out looking very good.

Definitely a case of 'it's not you, it's her'. If she's in the habit of cutting off friends and family there's going to be some kind of control/anger issue there. It's very sad tho', 30 years of friendship is a lot to lose

Reading between the lines, shes done with supporting you. You have done nothing wrong and I'd just move on and not give her another thought. These things happen to everyone at some point I think.
I think generally speaking people are interested just in themselves and friends come way way down the list of priorities. Just try to meet more people and keep things light.

it's like moving on with your life has insulted them in some way

Sooo true!

I had exactly this with a friend' - I got divorced, and she dropped me like a hot brick.

She moved house, changed address,phone number, mobile number, email account - everything. A year later, she emailed me, and was surprised when I didn't welcome her with open arms. Basically i told her she had a fucking cheek, changing all her contact details and just disappearing.

Her daughter (had access to her email account) emailed me, telling me all sorts of 'truths' that she (the mum) had told her (the daughter) about me; how I was evil for divorcing ('friend had 3 kids with different fathers and never married ), that it was lucky my kids had a 'good father as with a mother like me they would be sunk' (daughter had never met my ExH!), that I had no idea how hard it was to have a job, 3 kids and a house to run (I had a f/t job, 3 kids and a house to run...) and lastly that I was 'stuck in the 60s'. This last was something she used to say about another friend of ours - so I knew the daughter was relaying what she'd heard.

This was a friend I'd been on holiday with, helped with DIY, with the kids, with everything.

OP - people move on. That nasty last message shows you that she has a bee in her bonnet about it. I'd leave it in her court - she has the potential to cause you a lot more hurt otherwise.

Some people need to feel "benevolent", they need to be the parent bestowing wisdom and support upon the suffering child.

It may be that you got a relationship, got your feet back under you, and told her that you actually DONT agree with absolutely everything that she says - and that stronger version of you is someone she no longer can be friends with as you are no longer weaker than her.

Ultimately, we just don’t know. All of us commenting, are probably relating to it due to personal experiences and we have only a very subjective account with additional drip feeding to go on. But on balance, I am seeing that OP appears determined to present the ex-friend in a horrible light, a bit of a comic villain, quite OTT. It just feels a bit nasty and smacks of lack of self-awareness. That and the exasperated final reply of her former friend. The more I read OP’s updates, the more it becomes clear that she has herself pegged as the ‘victim’ in this entire scenario and that quite frankly would boil my pee and I’d be inclined to be as blunt as her former friend.

I'd leave it there. You've clearly pissed her off royally & she is biting her tongue very hard. If you persist, you will hear some unwelcome home truths. She knows that if she's honest, it will be curtains for the relationship anyway.
She has every right to let a friendship fizzle if she wants to. The fact you don't seem to understand that says quite a lot about you.
Your posts make you sound needy, controlling & especially the later ones, downright nasty. Do you generally struggle to see life from other people's perspective?

I lost a best mate when my life took a turn for the better, I can't he'll but thinking she was jealous of pissed off at not having to rescue me any more.I did nothing to her, in fact was running around after her while she kept cancelling. Six years on, I still miss her and dream about her now and then.

TheRealMrsClarkson Were we separated at birth...?

Maybe she prefers it when you're not happy and doesn't like it/feels threatened now you're in a relationship? I don't know. All sounds very odd.

Ultimately, her loss. And it is sad when friendships end.

I wouldnt say anyone is being unreasonable here, but I do believe she could have been more tactful about phasing you out.
Agree but if OP had just accepted it rather than reminding her how they'd been through so much etc. then there wouldn't have been that bluntness.
I never understand why people feel so hurt when friendships fade out. That's the nature of friendships - they start for different reasons and some are destined to last forever while others get put on the backburner because of circumstances and the rest are shorter-term and end when they've served a purpose. Trying to force a friendship to continue isn't going to work - far better to accept it's over for now and perhaps in time it'll resurrect again if it's meant to do so.

She will absolutely have a story for this. It may be unfair, it may be unpleasant, but people do not do these things out of the blue for no reason. She will have reasons that make a lot of sense to her.

If she won't share them, though, and you honestly can't see what they are, then to all intents and purposes it doesn't matter...unless knowing the 'why' would enable you to change it, if you wanted to.

Oh yes, you were a project. I was also a project for someone unknowingly. Once i got myself sorted and met DP and had children I got dropped like a hot potato. Really hurt at the time but I’m fine with it now.