End of a friendship

[ilovemusic]

I have been friends with this woman for almost 30 years. We became friends as we worked together, and we've seen each other get married, have children, get divorced etc. We've supported each other through many life events and kept in touch after no longer working together.
She has been a wonderful support over recent years where I've had some awful experiences with a failed relationship and cancer. She has been in a relationship from 2015, and I met my partner at the end of 2016. About a year ago she became very distant, only replying to texts when I made the effort and something seemed "off". I've asked her outright on several occasions if there's anything wrong or if I've inadvertently upset her and she's assured me I haven't.
A few days ago I sent her a text and got another abrupt response so once again I asked if there was anything wrong. She replied, being very blunt (as is her style) to say that our lives have moved in different directions and she wasn't bothered about keeping in touch. I reminded her of how we e stuck together through so much and that I valued her friendship, only to get the response "I'm not going to explain any further, don't contact me again".
I was very upset by this and can't understand what the issue is. She does have form for this and has cut off other friends, but none as longstanding as me. She has also cut both parents out of her life - she's an only child and had no qualms about doing this.
My DP says I'm better off without her but it hurts like hell 😟

I had this happen to me. She moved away, about 30 minute drive, but I still made an effort to call in for coffee once a month or so, or if I was in the area. She seemed genuinely pleased to,see me. Then I started getting excuses such as she was growing out, sister was coming over etc. I realised I was getting the brush off, and over ten upyears later, I still felt puzzled as to why (also,happened to,mutual friend).

I wonder if it’s to do with her partner. Maybe he is,possessive and doesn’t like her having a social,life outside him.youmdidmthe right thing in asking, but her reply does seem strange. It’s almost if she is. Referring to an incident that sparked the distancing, which you have no,clue about.

You've been friends for 30 years so the bottom line is you get/got on.

So something has changed.

So I'm thinking her relationship with this partner isn't that great and she's unhappy and you in some way are the final straw.

Even if she's been 'Gunnysacking' (storing up her grievances against you), she could have told you. But she didn't. She severed the relationship rather than go there.
You've mentioned she has form for this style of dealing with issues anyway.

I'd write her a letter/email pointing out her good qualities and allude to your behaviour that might have pissed her off but say how much you value her friendship.

She has form for it, what on earth did her mum do? Nothing much I bet.
Write her off and move on.

Some people need to feel "benevolent", they need to be the parent bestowing wisdom and support upon the suffering child

...and watch that benevolence evaporate as they turn on you for daring to succeed.

I will never ever ever understand this mindset. People are not toys to be picked up and put down and messed about with at will depending how the friend is feeling at that given time.

Also; any friendship that feels like one party is away to present you with an “emotional invoice” is dead already. No relationship is ever 50/50 and fortunes can change on a sixpence. It’s life not an excel spreadsheet.

She has form for it, what on earth did her mum do? Nothing much I bet

You don't know that.

Just a thought. Are you sure that her new partner isn't behind this? Are they jealous? Controlling? Trying to prevent her having outside friends?
If so, perhaps a polite message wishing her well and saying you would be there for her if she needed you in the future would keep the communication lines open. You say she has been there for you in the past, so maybe just worth putting it out there.
Then leave it up to her to get in touch

taskmaster well the fact that her kids are now back in touch with their grandmother at their own instigation would suggest to me so. But of course i "don't know that". None of us know any of it. Nor does the OP hence her thread.

@ilovemusic

Just a thought....Do you think your friend has been talking to your ex? 🤔

People grow apart, their lives change, the reasons they became friends disappear, their similarities reduce, their differences increase. It doesn't have to be personal, it can just be that people have other friends more suited to their current circumstances and don't have the time or emotional capacity to continue with others who don't. Why not just accept it and make new friends instead of taking it as a personal insult and feeling the need to picture the former friend as being so terrible? Given that Mumsnet standard advice in the time of relationship difficulties is LTB, why are we not allowed to give up friends so easily?!!

It IS cowardly. It hurts hugely. But there is nothing you can do.

She does have form for this and has cut off other friends, but none as longstanding as me. She has also cut both parents out of her life - she's an only child and had no qualms about doing this

She sounds awful, she has form for this so why are you so surprised?

I also don't see why the only child reference is important.

The only child comment; Maybe it might have been relevant to only children? Maybe not? I'm thinking that maybe only children are more independent and less likely to rely on friends for support? I dunno because I'm not an only child but maybe OP wanted to give a complete picture and not drip feed in case it might have been relevant?

Very odd she just abruptly said she doesn’t want to see you anymore and not to contact her again you don’t sound needy, I would just leave it and let it go. 30 years is a long time but even then some friendships come to an end. Hope your okay

Bibbidee

Okay, I never thought of that angle, thanks.

As an only child, I don't have a problem with the OP mentioning it; that she has cut off her only direct family is, to me, quite telling. Of course we don’t know her backstory, but still, it’s very much striking out alone.

My DP had a very close friend. For years, they were both single, then friend met a new man, and the friendship became between the three of them, they would meet at least once a week. Some years later, I got together with DP, and within weeks, with no drama or even a cross word, the friend started to pull away - she also told me a couple of things about DP’s family, which I think were designed to make them seem odd in my eyes. (Which they didn’t, but it killed my trust in her.)

I’ve never said this to DP, but I think his friend liked being in a better position than him, and didn’t want him to be settled in a happy relationship.

Short version; let her go, don’t look back, and live your life well.

After typing a long response, my phone deleted it all, so trying again.
I had a friend who did something similar. We met in our teens and were close for years, into our twenties.
She went to Uni after school, had boyfriends, slept with her tutor, had more boyfriends whilst I stayed in our home town, got a job and remained single.
The only comment I passed on any of her relationships was that I though there was a big age difference between her and her tutor (25 years).
Eventually I met someone. I continued to see my friend, but she wasn't pleased. We fell out after her spending about an hour telling me I could do better, after having met my DP once.
Some years later, she went on holiday with a mutual friend. On their return, the friend died suddenly.
I got in touch via her parents to express my sympathies and we managed to psych things up to an extent.
Essentially, she had liked the idea that O was at her beck and call, the single friend who could be called on whenever, and didn't like that my then DP (now DH) was younger than me.

*patch things up

She has form for it, what on earth did her mum do? Nothing much I bet

Taskmaster You don't know that.

Well, OP did say this:

the reasons she cut both parents off separately are because they've disagreed with her.

And she doesn't sound like a very nice person if she could say this:

When my mother died, she told me she wants to know when hers is dead so she can make sure her body is thrown on the Council tip! She had a massive go at me for saying that was an awful thing to say!

and have a go at OP for saying it was an awful thing to say. It was an awful thing to say.

You seem determined to believe that the OP is the one who is in the wrong here. It comes through very clearly in your replies.

If it’s eating away at you, I would personally reply saying “we’ve been friends for 30 years - the least you can do is give me a reason why” as you’ve got nothing to lose, but only do this if you’re prepared to get an answer you don’t like.
Depends which is worse - knowing, or not

"...they disagreed with her." The same thing could be said about my mother but no only did she disagree with me but she subjected me to a life of emotional abuse. That's why I don't see her anymore. I seriously doubt op's friend stopped contact with her parents for shits and giggles. It's a desolate place to be. The thing about having got to the low where you end your relationship with your own mother is that it makes you massively intolerant of bullshit from other people. I will no longer accept behaviour from other people which is detrimental to me. Op, maybe your friend is the same? Maybe her version of your flawless friendship would be different? Either way she's made her choice and you should respect it. I don't doubt you're hurt but it's her life and she has to make the choices she feels are right for her.

I seriously doubt op's friend stopped contact with her parents for shits and giggles

To me it sounds exactly how the OP's friend is.

Friendships ebb and flow depending on the stage of your life, shared or contrasting experiences. What's unusual here is the official end point rather than it gradually fading.

Friendships ebb and flow depending on the stage of your life, shared or contrasting experiences. What's unusual here is the official end point rather than it gradually fading. But, in any case, that's life.

I think the harshest thing in this is her telling you not to contact you again with no explanation. There must be a reason, whether that reason is "fair" or not and given the length of your friendship she should have been decent enough to explain it. That she didn't is cruel, imo.

I sort of ended a friendship last year. There had been problems for years, but I made the decision during those years that she was who she was and I would accept that the downsides were fine, I just wouldn't expect certain things for her, because after all none of us are perfect. She was funny to be with, we had fun when we got together so the fact that when I was seriously ill she didn't visit me nor contact me to see if I was doing okay was just her and it was sort of fine. Obviously it wasn't really, but at the time of my serious illness I became quite Pollyanna like (they called me that in the hospital), mostly because I was brain damaged and became a nicer person because of it! Anyway! last year she said something about a mutual friend's partner. Someone asked her on social media what was friend up to these days and she replied "She's married to a c*t." Mutual friend saw it - it was in an open group - and was hugely upset." Mutual friend has been my rock and I hers and I was pretty much enraged. So, I first took the cowards way of unfriending her on Facebook, and then she got in contact with me and so I explained to her that it was the c*t thing that had been the reason - didn't explain the rest because I didn't want to throw a whole load of accusations at her,it would have been unfair. It was a calm discussion, I told her I would always care about her, but I didn't think our friendship could go on. She apologised profusely for what she had said about friend's husband and we left it there. There was regret, but no nastiness, because we'd been friends for so long, nastiness would have been wrong.

So, long story short and no more me, me, me. The "break up" of a friendship hurts a lot, often those friendships have lasted longer than relationships with men/partners/husbands/wives,so we feel the loss of them deeply, but there are always reasons and if you are the one ending the friendship then it is on you to let the other person know why. So, I feel for you. There are reasons, there always are, but to just cut you off without having the decency to explain to you why your friendship has reached its end is cruel and so, your DH is right, you really are better off without someone who would be so cruel.

OP I get you. For me it was similar to breaking up with a BF. My XBF went NC nearly 14 years ago and I still think about her a lot. We did the whole uni thing together, first jobs after graduation etc and were inseparable. I saw her last just before DSs first birthday and I visited her for the weekend. Everything seemed normal and when I left I told her I’d text her during the week. She never replied to a single text or call. In desperation (as I thought something may have happened to her) I called her parents, who I knew quite well.....they said they would speak to her. Her Mum rang me back and told me she’d told her Mum to tell me not to contact her again. I respected her wishes, but to this day I have no idea why.