End of a friendship

[ilovemusic]

I have been friends with this woman for almost 30 years. We became friends as we worked together, and we've seen each other get married, have children, get divorced etc. We've supported each other through many life events and kept in touch after no longer working together.
She has been a wonderful support over recent years where I've had some awful experiences with a failed relationship and cancer. She has been in a relationship from 2015, and I met my partner at the end of 2016. About a year ago she became very distant, only replying to texts when I made the effort and something seemed "off". I've asked her outright on several occasions if there's anything wrong or if I've inadvertently upset her and she's assured me I haven't.
A few days ago I sent her a text and got another abrupt response so once again I asked if there was anything wrong. She replied, being very blunt (as is her style) to say that our lives have moved in different directions and she wasn't bothered about keeping in touch. I reminded her of how we e stuck together through so much and that I valued her friendship, only to get the response "I'm not going to explain any further, don't contact me again".
I was very upset by this and can't understand what the issue is. She does have form for this and has cut off other friends, but none as longstanding as me. She has also cut both parents out of her life - she's an only child and had no qualms about doing this.
My DP says I'm better off without her but it hurts like hell 😟

It’s a little bit concerning how so many people don’t seem to respect a woman’s right to autonomy or to set boundaries in her private and personal life.

OP hasn’t come back to clarify, but I think that if you’re “friends” with someone and support them and then need time to concentrate on yourself, or if that person turns out to maybe just be a bore then you should be “forced” to make time to spend with them because their emotional neediness is more important than your feelings?

If a man was posting about how his ex “owed him something” because she’d been so good to him in the past no-one would be taking him seriously.

But needy female friends can be even worse than intimate relationships - wanting constant emotional reassurance and demanding you “confide your private stuff to them” ( well, private until they want to use it to shame and you on a public Internet forum
)

This is how women get guilted into being carers and being on admin jobs and committees that don’t progress their own careers one jot.

Because other women (the same who will probably go “oh, it’s just boys being boys” if it was a man ) will come up with shaming language and insults if a woman doesn’t just shut up and put up with other people’s wants coming above hers.

I’d always tell my DD that if she felt a friendship wasn’t emotionally healthy or that she felt she had moved on then she was allowed to diplomatically cut ties and I’d back her up and “be her excuse” if necessary.

Women don’t “owe” anyone anything.

Girlinahat I so agree.

The advice to make "one more attempt to talk/email" - that is so inappropriate and borders on harassment given the woman has stated very clearly that she does not want to be contacted.

Isittooearly- your scenario re your mother's boyfriend is completely different to a woman choosing NC with parents. Sadly your scenario is far from unusual. I feel for you. I've seen so many children cast out to varying degrees according to the wishes of a parent's new partner. Personally I think it's the ultimate betrayal.

How hurtful. She sounds at best very odd and at worst a complete cow.
Your DH is right.
I do hope that you manage to move on from this quickly xxx

Cheesytoast - wasn't meaning one more attempt to draw friend into relationship again - just to draw a line under it and say no regrets. Thanks for your comments - tbf she did me a favour for me to learn at 17 rather than learn later on. It's made me stronger I think.

GirlinaHat Well put!

OP has clearly stated herself that her ex friend has been extremely supportive. The former friend owes her nothing! She is entitled to be left in peace. Instead, of appreciating all that support, the OP has been subsequently drip feeding pretty unpleasant posts, without showing any real awareness of the fact that she may have caused this estrangement. The final message showed exasperation and very likely due to the OP being very self-centred. It is ridiculous how many people have jumped on the bandwagon of vilifying someone on the basis of going NC with their parents. The OP seems completely devoid of actual empathy to the fact this is just as likely due to very toxic family dynamics. Just take a look at the long standing ‘Stately Home’ thread. As someone more astute pointed out, those that take such drastic steps become far more sensitive to other toxic relationships in their life and seek to guard their emotional wellbeing. Leave that former friend in peace and show her some respect. It’s as likely that OP might have been too needy, then a controlling new partner.

A lot of this thread reads scarily like the ways in which a controlling man will justify stalking a woman who he has been involved with

(1) she’s hysterical

(2) she owes you something or an “explanation” (which you clearly aren’t going to like/accept easily if it doesn’t involve you getting what you want out of her)

(3) she’s unhinged/jealous. The OP posted in December (a month ago?) she is going through an acrimonious divorce and is agreeing and nodding along that her friend is “jealous” of her? Ok then

(4) she doesn’t know her own mind because she is depressed/being controlled and the REAL her does exactly what you want. Someone else is STOPPING her contacting you so you must “rescue” her (read: entitled to stalk her) until she gives in.

(5) she’s this terrible person who lets down everyone (left her mum “screaming and crying” apparently) Ok, so why do you want to be in touch so much then?

I also think the OP comes across as unreliable in that I’m not sure how “close” this friendship actually was?

How many times have they actually met in person over the last few years?

I understand maybe if the OP is going through an eventful divorce she wants support but like pp’s have said it’s not fair to just latch onto one person and make them responsible for all your problems, all of the time.

That’s what counsellors (and even MN relationships) are for

The joy Temptress is taking kicking the OP when she is already down is very depressing

I once had a male bf friend drop me because I started going out with a guy (now DH) who supported his football teams main
Rivals

How incredibly hurtful. It really is her problem and nothing you’ve done. A friend did a similar thing to me and I still get upset about it. People are bloody weird.

@temptressofwaikiki

There’s offering an alternative viewpoint and then there’s writing a fantasy novel.

You’re falling into the latter camp.

You asked her if you'd done anything to upset her. Twice. She was given the opportunity. But she chose not to take it.
Then she chose to end it very bluntly. Making it clear that there was no room for discussion.

You may indeed be very self centred and missed the cues. I know I am.
I was incredibly upset when a close friend did similar to me.

But you are now left hanging. Confused. Not sure what you did wrong.

But self analysis is helpful. And in time you will get over this and move on. Fear not.

I agree that if you have already offered her the chance to explain why she has ended the friendship, and she hasn't, then there isn't much point getting in touch again. I would feel very hurt by this too.

TheLegendOfBeans Oh ok, of course, it makes much more sense to believe some random on the Interwebz that the friend who by her own words had been super supportive, is now also a nefarious evil person that drops her poor ageing lone parents for no other reason than pure malice. It could not possibly be that the former friend got fed up with OP…?