To find my gentle parenting friends infuriating?

[Littlemissmuff]

NC as this may be outing.

I have 3 friends, all have toddlers between 2 and 3 years old.
Our children play together frequently and their parenting style is driving me mad.
One of them literally never says no to her son, he can hit our childre or destroy something but instead she insists on talking nicely to him even though he is definitely not listening.
Another one has a huge moan several times a day about how tired she is and she fed up of her toddler getting her up all night to breastfeed; however won't do anything about it and won't take any suggestions such as water or night weaning and states that it is cruel and our roles as mothers are to cuddle our children all night if we have to if that's what they demand even at age 3.
I don't care how they parent their child but I do when it's affecting my son, he is forever getting pushed about by these kids now and he is constantly seeing them doing really dangerous behaviour and "risk taking" without any parent intervention which then makes me look awful to him if i tell him no if he tries to copy them climbing on to the TV stand or windowsill.
I don't know what research shows, but my god these children are so much more naughty than any other children I know.
Aibu to end our playdates even though it might end our friendship?

The BF issue may not be your business but the friend moaning about it kind of makes it your business. It's annoying to have to listen to someone whining about something that they could address but choose not to. That's their choice but stop moaning about it!
Op these friends sound awful and I would distance myself. They and their children will get a nasty shock when they start school.

I was in a theme park (the horror!) last year. In the endless queue in front of us was a lady with two boys who were, for want of a better way of putting it, attempting to kick the living shit out of each other. Half an hour of handwringing. "Felix, you've upset your brother. How do you think that makes him feel?" "Hugo, are those kind hands. Don't you think we should use kind hands on your brother?" etc etc. I was sorely tempted to leap in with my usual rebel yell of "if you two don't stop that right now then we go straight home"....but wasn't sure she'd appreciate it....!

Tbh, there is a difference between gentle parenting and permissive parenting. Either you or them is confusing the two.

breastfeeding past 5

Eh? How? Through the night???

Just find some other friends for the time being. And certainly don't allow those badly behaved and uncorrected toddlers in your house or allow your children to be attacked by them while the parents do nothing. I don't agree with saying in a namby pamby voice we don't hit. Too right we bloody don't. No wonder children are so badly behaved these days. Get out of my house you little shit and don't darken my door again till you learn to behave yourself.

What are they people reading that advocates no boundaries? I’m really confused by this. I read stuff by Maggie Dent & Janet Lansbury but find it v clear that respectful parenting should not be permissive. I think I am quite a gentle parent but of my friends I’m most likely to take my child home because they aren’t being gentle for instance. I would be interested to know where people get these ideas from, does anyone know?

Gentle parenting should not mean allowing a child to hurt another child or destroy other people’s things. Letting your child do that with no attempt to stop them (whether by saying no, encouraging gentle hands, distracting them, whatever) is not parenting at all.

They can parent how they want but when it’s having a negative effect on your child and your home, it’s time to stop seeing them for a while. Tell them you’re not prepared to have your child hit and your things destroyed and have them do nothing and refuse to let you do anything about that behaviour.

You are not suited to your friends at all, they all sing from the same page and it horrible being the odd one out in this scenario, and it will only get worse as the dc get older too.

I would wholesale ditch the playdates and see friends without the kids. Stick to other friends you have more in common with.

I am definitely an enthusiast for gentle parenting, but I do say no and have boundaries, in my view boundaries create security. I give reasons for no being my answer and have always encouraged dc to counter it if they feel strongly. Give me a detailed, eloquent reason why I should change my mind and I am all ears....

Gentle parenting has worked beautifully for me over the years and kept me calm and sane (and stopped me turning into my parents!) My dc are well rounded, happy children with no discipline issues. They are very empathetic and kind too, which is how they were raised.

You can take any idea too far though...

If a child's behaviour is affecting you or your child then imo that gives you every right to step in.

I'd have no issue disciplining others peoples kids but then, I'm a primary teacher :)

Ha ha, I hear you!

Stuff like this used to drive me crazy. All I can say is, it gets easier as everyone gets older. And playdates outdoors, preferably on neutral ground, are the best way to maintain your sanity in the meantime.

I never said anything because I felt pretty isolated when the kids were tiny and although a lot of my 'mummy' friends were not people who would have been likely to be friends with me if we hadn't been in the same place with kids the same age, I really valued the adult interaction. And my kids didn't care.

But if you won't miss the company, then no, YANBU!!

Why are so many focusing on the bf?
Ok to be clear I give zero fucks about her breastfeeding.
But I wake to a message every morning from 4am with her moaning about it, then a Facebook message at some point and then she moans for a good 30 mins in person. Every. Bloody.Time.
I just don't care. If she doesn't want help then just deal with it!

All these gentle parenting nightmare stories are making me feel better haha!

Bellamuerte I'm with you on the shoes but what on earth is the problem with your nephew napping on your SIL if she's happy with it?!

The problem is that she's happy with this unreasonable behaviour instead of teaching him to sleep independently and not immobilise her for hours every afternoon. Eating Christmas Dinner on the arm of the sofa because a child wants to nap on you is ridiculous. Put the child down and eat at the table with everyone else!

But I wake to a message every morning from 4am with her moaning about it, then a Facebook message at some point and then she moans for a good 30 mins in person. Every. Bloody.Time

That would get right on my tits (sorry).

Time to bin them off?

I was on a gentle parenting forum (I am interested in some of their messages, especially things like respect for children's wishes around bodily contact - you don't have to kiss Granny just because she says so etc.)
I made a suggestion for gradually helping a child to sleep alone (a no-cry method involving moving gradually away from a child's bed at their pace) and was told that "we don't allow discussion of that harsh parenting technique on here".

I am an adoptive parent. I know our own children's backgrounds and those of other children who have been removed from abusive parents. These people wouldn't recognise harsh parenting if it came up and slapped them in the face.

bumbleymummy

Listing your blood results which make you look like you just survived Black Death and three years of living on putrid water and dry mouldy bread isn't a moan but a sign that there is clearly something wrong with you. Constant low fever she mentioned too.
She was also pissed off because the doctor herself told her to consider what her child needs best, a healthy mother or a breastfeeding wreck.
Sorry for feeling like some people need to hear the voice of reason more than the "poor you, it's gonna be alright" if clearly what they are doing right now has a detrimental effect on their health.

I had a friend like this with 2 ds. They would trash peoples homes, break things, displayed some really rude behaviour and she would be on what seemed like another planet. One time in my home he went to touch something he shouldn’t and I said sternly “ahh” well que tears for a good half a hour I’ll admit I felt bad as I didn’t want him to cry but at the same time I didn’t want him trashing my things. You could tell she was really upset with me and never came again. Which honestly was a relief tbh. So Yanbu I understand your frustration. It drove me mad.

I don't understand this. They are not encouraging gentle, creative play by removing boundaries.
Your dc must feel very intimidated and anxious playing with their children. I think I would have to stop the play dates op.

In my opinion:

Parent 1 - if they're in your space or it's affecting your child then you can say something.

Parent 2 - if she prefers tiredness to the other options then that's her decision. Let her moan. A moan really helps. I didn't want to night wean/train my daughter. She started sleeping through fine on her own (eventually). I sure was tired though!

it’s their choice how they parent their kids, perhaps they disagree with your parenting style but they haven’t stopped their kids playing with yours. How would you feel if they did this?

Yeah, fuck that. If their child is harming yours you would be remiss in your parenting duties to not tell their children no.

I really can't face the prospect of the entitled arseholes we're going to have among us soon.

Littlemissmuff I was talking about breastfeeding because most of the fans of gentle parenting I personally met (or bio-mothers as we call them) also had other symptoms, BFing till the child is ready to move out of the house, everything has to be no sugar, no flour, gluten-free etc.

I think you either need to have a break from these friends, meet in the evening without the kids or meet up at a neutral place like swimming or soft play.

Never condone anyone hitting your child. You discipline them.

When I worked in reception those not disciplined stick out s mile. Parebts excuses range from ‘they were spirited, creative or just far too intelligent for the other children’ they weren’t. Just feral. Most calm down at school but continue to play up their parents.

With you on this op. I know the toddlers your describe as teenagers. All the lazy parenting and lack of boundaries come home to roost and sometimes with awful concequences for the child and others.

What on gods green earth is ‘gentle parenting’ - is is some way to bring kids up or an mn phrase??

I am interested in some of their messages, especially things like respect for children's wishes around bodily contact - you don't have to kiss Granny just because she says so etc

I think that's come from feminist parenting, not gentle parenting.

I really can't face the prospect of the entitled arseholes we're going to have among us soon.

That's the main point of the negative side of gentle parenting. It rears a generation of entitled arseholes who never had to think about anything else but their own benefit.