To find my gentle parenting friends infuriating?

[Littlemissmuff]

NC as this may be outing.

I have 3 friends, all have toddlers between 2 and 3 years old.
Our children play together frequently and their parenting style is driving me mad.
One of them literally never says no to her son, he can hit our childre or destroy something but instead she insists on talking nicely to him even though he is definitely not listening.
Another one has a huge moan several times a day about how tired she is and she fed up of her toddler getting her up all night to breastfeed; however won't do anything about it and won't take any suggestions such as water or night weaning and states that it is cruel and our roles as mothers are to cuddle our children all night if we have to if that's what they demand even at age 3.
I don't care how they parent their child but I do when it's affecting my son, he is forever getting pushed about by these kids now and he is constantly seeing them doing really dangerous behaviour and "risk taking" without any parent intervention which then makes me look awful to him if i tell him no if he tries to copy them climbing on to the TV stand or windowsill.
I don't know what research shows, but my god these children are so much more naughty than any other children I know.
Aibu to end our playdates even though it might end our friendship?

[scramwich]

As far as I can tell gentle parenting took all the good things from attachment parenting which were first stolen from other cultures where they sure as shit do tell their children "no". And then made it stupid.

[user789653241]

You need to find other friends. I had this when my ds was younger. A child throws bricks at my ds and hit his forehead, parents telling gently that he shouldn't be throwing bricks. My ds is crying. I would have been telling(shouting to) my ds off. "NO".

[RemainOptimistic]

Already lost a friend to this gentle parenting shit. It's fucking wank. In the case of your friend, it might not be so much that she thinks it's fine to never say no, it's that she's terrified to say no because she's absorbed the idea that to say no is to irreversibly traumatise her child for life. My friend already had an anxiety diagnosis pre DC and this gentle parenting shit is making it all so much worse for her.

A related issue, I've never met a gentle parenting convert who has the capacity to say live and let live. To offer me the same respect as I'm offering them.

You're best off making friends with those who share your parenting style. Sorry OP, the friendship has run its course.

[BalloonSlayer]

Natalia My Mum used to bellow in a v threatening tone: "if you don't pack that in now then I'LL join in." It worked.

[DiegoMadonna]

Agreed that your friends are confused between a gentle parenting style and a no parenting style. But really, I don't know how you mumsnetters get into these positions because if this happened to me:

So I've said "no we don't hit" And been told by ALL three why I must not say no because they are doing this gentle parenting

...I would just tell them not to bring their children back to my house until they had learned not to hit mine. I don't care what your parenting style is, I'm not going to have that. End of discussion.

[Mycatisahacker]

these parenting theories drive me insane anyway. Why would you parent in a style that’s bee dreamed up to sell a book for some random so called parenting expert?

[NataliaOsipova]

"if you don't pack that in now then I'LL join in." It worked.

Balloon Slayer I think I will steal that from your mother....

[Littlemissmuff]

clandestino sorry I was actually on about the posters saying the bf is none of my business.
I totally agree with you.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

I think neither they, nor you, understand or use what is meant by gentle parenting tactics.

It doesn't mean you don't correct inappropriate behaviour, it means you understand that all baby/ toddler behaviour has a basis in cognitive development rather than wilful naughtiness, which requires an appropriate response. That shouldn't mean you don't correct inappropriate behaviour, but rather that you correct it in a way that will mean something to them, at their age and level of understanding, without turning it into a relentless and fruitless battle of wills.

I don't like the way everything needs a label these days, and certainly wouldn't describe myself as practising gentle parenting. But you don't have to keep bellowing 'no!' and doing repeated time outs to deal with bad behaviour (and risk taking is not bad behaviour by the way, it is learning - a parent's job is to let them do it as safely as possible so that they can learn to identify risk for themselves) at 2 and 3 years old. My biggest annoyance is when they continue to use the same tactics even when a child is old enough to know what is and is not appropriate in any given situation.

If it affects your child then intervene if the other parents are not dealing with it. Them getting up several times a night to attend to their child's every whim might well be foolish but has absolutely no bearing on your child's wellbeing.

As others have said, their parenting might well be lazy or lacking, but that is not what is meant by gentle parenting. The label is unhelpful.

[reluctantbrit]

I have a friend who did this and it came to a point where I refused to stay at their house (long distance) as it totally infuriated me.

Their oldest (same as as my DD) was allowed everything, my friend didn't discipline him or took him out of situations at all. The result was that my DD was bitten by him, toys taken off, he decided screaming and sulking was the only way to do things and DD was totally confused as we have a very different approach to parenting.

It was hard to explain to her (they were around 3-4), so an age they are at pre-school, know rules outside their family and have to listen to adults.

Parents can parent as much as they want but they have to accept that if my child suffers I cut contact. I am hardly a hard core disciplinist but we have set rules at home everybody follows (like no shouting/hitting, no toys/phones at the table, accepting other people's opinion/property) and if not there are known consequences.

[Sisinisawa]

That's not GP. I have gentle parented both mine and always had boundaries.
Your friends are permissive parents which is different and IMO bad for the children.
Saying "no we don't hit" is perfectly gentle.

[crocodarl]

I had a friend who advocated the Waldorf style, which according to her, meant you should never tell a child off for anything. I don't know anything about Waldorf (so no offence intended if, as I suspect, this is not what it means at all!!)

Basically, in practise, it meant her 4 year old sat by himself on the bottom of the slide and flung gravel at the other children when they asked him to move. And when they eventually got fed up and went down the slide and he got knocked off he ran screaming to his mother who then breastfed him to comfort him. Which, while I do not believe in bashing BFing, struck me as utterly innappropriate on so many levels.

[BlueMirror]

What you're describing isn't gentle parenting, it's permissive parenting without any boundaries.
If they want you to respect their style then they need to respect yours and they need to respect your home. I'd be saying 'kind hands please' and physically sitting between the children to block any attempts at hitting if necessary. If they refuse to remove their children from your TV stand etc I would suggest taking the play date to the park so they could climb.
It sounds like they have no respect for you, your child or your home though so making other better parent friends may be the easiest all round.

[DiegoMadonna]

I was googling "gentle parenting" and found this article that maybe you should print off and show your friends, OP. Gentle parenting does not meaning letting them do whatever they want!!

sarahockwell-smith.com/2012/11/26/why-gentle-parenting-is-not-permissive-parenting/

[Pluckedpencil]

I gentle parented too much first time round. I did set boundaries but avoided saying no, choosing position ways to same thing. Only result I see is he gets massively upset at the smallest teacher correction now in year 1. I am doing it differently with dc 2 and do the stern no, or 'not like that' every so often so she is set up for the reality of a pretty old fashioned school.

[mikado1]

Letting your child hit is not gentle parenting! That's permissive parenting. And I say that as a wannabe gentle parent of a one-time hitter!

Letting your child climb etc is completely a personal thing - but not on a t.v. stand in someone else's home. I would pass this back to their parent 'I don't let mine climb on the stand in case it breaks, can you stop her please?' Some of my friends dont let their children climb on playframes without help, splash in puddles, scoot down hills without being held but I won't stop mine doing that because of them.

The bfer is allowed to have a moan to her friends despite not wanting to change things. She's accepted it, she just wants a bit of sympathy not advice. I was told to leave mine scream at 10m.. I just wanted a bit if support and understanding, I did want to keep feeding him tho.

[Mycatisahacker]

littlelionsmummy

Agree with you but what you describe is nothing new. I parented all my children that way and started in 1989. All my friends did too.

[Somtamthai]

I’m a teacher and when these little darlings get to school. Some are a total nightmare. Cannot handle sharing, not being centre of the universe, being told no or any structure or routine. They can be disruptive and violent. When you talk to the mum they smile at the endearing way their child threatened a pupil and the teacher because he was asked to write a sentence. Or when mum sees the display of kid work 30 pupils have done it correctly have followed instructions and produced work yet 1 has not, does not listen or follow instructions and the produced work barely resembles the task. Mummy thinks it’s amazing and excellent that her snowflake is on the wall.

One mum also told me I had to teach her kid manners and get him to stop hitting her at home. Could she just call me so he’d go to bed.... UM NO!!

[Mycatisahacker]

plucked

Very very good point there. Most reception teachers don’t gentle discipline the class.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Agree Mycat - it's a new label for what is essentially common sense parenting. Still an awful lot of people don't do it though, whatever label you give It!

[WaxOnFeckOff]

My friend does this. Eldest seems relatively unscathed and is a nice lad. Younger boy is a nightmare. Example. He's 9, he got a mobile phone for Christmas, he's been using it for prank calls to various businesses, he has also used their Amazon account to order stuff and various other stuff. Now, logic would tell me that he isn't mature enough for a phone and take it away and restrict his internet access - but No....then they moan that he is doing stuff with phone/internet. I just want to shout "TAKE IT AWAY!!" Just one example as he basically gets to do as he likes because he kicks off otherwise and they don't like to say no. I now avoid this friend as much as possible.

I don't know what the answer is other than find new friends.

[Happinessfinder]

There must be some boundaries though I mean if the child was about to jump out of a window or run across a busy road sirely then “no” is allowed? Or “stop”? A child must learn that when safety is an issue he or she doesn’t have the right to express his or her own creativity to kill them self or others??

[Viviennemary]

I don't agree with this gentle parenting lark. And usually the most aggressive badly behaved children are the ones whose parents say things like oh I don't think little Johnny likes being bitten. While little Johnny is screaming his head off after a chunk has been taken out of his arm. It's total madness.