To find my gentle parenting friends infuriating?

[Littlemissmuff]

NC as this may be outing.

I have 3 friends, all have toddlers between 2 and 3 years old.
Our children play together frequently and their parenting style is driving me mad.
One of them literally never says no to her son, he can hit our childre or destroy something but instead she insists on talking nicely to him even though he is definitely not listening.
Another one has a huge moan several times a day about how tired she is and she fed up of her toddler getting her up all night to breastfeed; however won't do anything about it and won't take any suggestions such as water or night weaning and states that it is cruel and our roles as mothers are to cuddle our children all night if we have to if that's what they demand even at age 3.
I don't care how they parent their child but I do when it's affecting my son, he is forever getting pushed about by these kids now and he is constantly seeing them doing really dangerous behaviour and "risk taking" without any parent intervention which then makes me look awful to him if i tell him no if he tries to copy them climbing on to the TV stand or windowsill.
I don't know what research shows, but my god these children are so much more naughty than any other children I know.
Aibu to end our playdates even though it might end our friendship?

[Mycatisahacker]

That’s totally it lion couldn’t agree more

[Sharonthetotallyinsane]

I’m wondering what ‘gentle parenting’ is too, is it ‘attachment parentimg’? What’s non gentle parenting? Off to google.

I’ve certainly encountered plenty of hand wringers who speak in a squeaky breathy voice to their kid as it ignores them, continuing to barge and hit others. I avoid such people for the twats they clearly are.

[quilpie]

I don't understand why you let them hit your child. Just keep away.

[Sharonthetotallyinsane]

Just read lionmummy’s response. That approach to parenting does sound common sense.
Op, I think your friends are on their own route.

[XmasInTintagel]

In my opinion it’s kinder to expose your son to these unruley kids so he can learn to deal with their behaviour.
Well they won't have to much at nursery, creche or school, because the adults in charge will stop the bad or dangerous behaviour! Its really not a jungle out there, for preschoolers, not anywhere I've seen in the last 25 years.

[BlossomRussoAndSixLemeure]

I think if carries on you should punch your friends and break their stuff, maybe their nice handbags or iPhones?
When they get angry whisper shhhhhh it’s ok.

[JaneEyre70]

I'd honestly find some more similar minded friends. If nothing else, it can't be that great for your DC to be playing with kids that are allowed to whatever they like when they aren't, especially if they are sometimes hurting them or doing something you consider dangerous. Agree with the PP who said change your tribe. Neither of you are getting much from this really.

[wisterialanes]

I aspired to gentle parenting until I met the group. Absolute bunch of weirdos who IMO had serious hangups and were parenting gently' as some sort of projection of their own childhood. There was so much hand wringing and 'won't someone think of the children' of how others less enlightened were doing so much damage to their dc because they weren't doing it their way gently. One in particular I will never forget; she had threatened to divorce her dh because he took a china teapot off their dd who was 2 and she had been given it to play with (by the mum) This had caused a massive fight, the Mum was 'devastated' that her dh had interrupted the dd's whimsical world but the dad was afraid that the teapot would be broken. He was being very unreasonable apparently as the broken teapot would have been a valuable lesson in consequence, according to the group. There was so much hunning and shedding tears on behalf of the children. I felt I had entered a parallel universe.

[KERALA1]

Blossom

OMG reading your OP raised my blood pressure.

You are in the wrong tribe you haven't found your people yet.

Lucky enough to meet a brilliant group when DD1 a toddler we were all really similar parenting styles. Purposefully hitting or biting another child meant miscreant firmly and calmly removed to the porch for a few minutes. Even now DD2 whispers "he needs to go to the porch" when witnessing bad behaviour. All the kids are now delightful and have easily settled at school.

[Spartaca]

Tbh, now extremes of parenting are all that great are they. They sound like they don't understand the principles behind gentle parenting really.

[RowenasDiadem]

I was added to a "Gentle Parenting" FB page for some reason. No no no, GOD NO! 20 odd women patting themselves on the back calling parents who don't exclusively follow GP abusive parents and yet every single post was a rant about how stressed they were or how their DC was "acting out" or being "spirited", more often than not harming other children or property or causing the entire family to cancel tasks such as food shopping because the toddler didn't wish to go.
One complained constantly that her chosen nursery tried to tell her son he couldn't bite or hit or that they had used the word naughty. Shock horror. She moaned that the nursery required the children to come back inside when called even if they didn't want to stop playing. Then within a few months she was posting complaining that they had revoked his place and that they couldn't provide childcare any longer.

It put me right off Gentle Parenting method because they seemed to ignore one huge part of it. The "Parenting" bit!

GP isn't wrong, it's just done badly by people thinking it means you cannot make your kids do something they don't want to, or not making them stop something they shouldn't be.

Your friends sound like they have it screwed up too.

Get new friends or tell their kids off yourself when they harm yours.

[waterrat]

When your kids are older you will see that 2 and 3 year olds are often a pain in the bum and discipline doesn't have much to do with it.

I'ts absolutely none of your business if your friend wants to feed her toddler overnight so it's irrelevant throwing that in

If you don't like or find annoying their discipline style just try to see them without kids. Getting infuriated is a massive overreaction - some kids are harder work than others.

[purpleweasel]

with you on that mycat, got as far as the parenting section in waterstones once and got scared away by sheer volume!

What lionsmummy said sounds like good common sense though

[MargoLovebutter]

I'm with Lion on this. What your friends are doing isn't "gentle" parenting - it is fuck all parenting.

[mari652]

My friend's son helped himself to a little xylophone in my toy cupboard, that I had put away because we were a post natal meet up at my house. He was bashing away at it, disturbing everyone except his mother, so when she went up to change her other child's nappy , I quietly offered him another toy and removed the noisy one. He was perfectly happily playing with the new one but as soon as his mother came in , he started wailing and pointing at the xylophone which was up on a shelf. She said ' who took it away from you !! - glared around accusingly - Darling here you are' and gave the flaming thing back to him. At which point I did say that it was me because it was really too noisy to hear ourselves talk. She went into a massive sulk. She also, later on, when either of her children came up to her, would interrupt her conversation with an adult by putting up a hand to silence the adult whilst she paid total attention to the child. It was beyond rude the way she did it.

That friendship didn't last ( funnily enough ) but I heard later from friends with children in the same school that both the boy and his younger sister had major problems in making friends .

[specialsubject]

The dreaded free spirit, or ' undisciplined brat' as the rest of us know them. Also cruel to the kids as in the real world everyone will hate them. I've also seen the teenage results, dirty drunken litter droppers who are hell to live with and sod all use when you need anything done.

Run away.

[FairyPenguin]

YANBU. Also parents who do say no but the children carry on anyway so the parents shrug and leave them to it. Why?!?

For children who are unruly in my house, I used to just always suggest meeting up elsewhere such as park, soft play.

If any child was putting mine in danger then I would say no to them.

My children know right from wrong and have a strong sense of justice so they get annoyed when they see other children getting away with naughty behaviour but they know why they shouldn't do it.

[ZoopDragon]

If another child was hurting my child or putting my child at risk, I would tell him or her off. Sternly. I don't care if the mother wants to gentle parent, my job is to protect my own. If they took no notice I'd stop meeting up with them.

Breastfeeding a toddler all night is a choice, that you make when you decide not to night wean or sleep train. I would keep reminding her she's making this choice and ask 'so what are you going to do about it?'

There are people who gentle parent very well, and others who use it as an excuse for their own weakness and let their kids run riot.

[Happinessfinder]

Blossom 😂😂 sometimes mumsnet really really makes me laugh

[KERALA1]

My sister went on holiday with a "we have never said no" to our child.

They had to learn the meaning of the word pretty quickly when after a morning of entertaining the children BIL lay on a sunbed and little madam barged over and demanded he get her a drink...err nope.

[Camomila]

Sharon I don't think so, I'm fairly attachment parenty (still bf 21m old, co-sleep half the night) but I tell DS 'No!' in a stern voice and move him away from other DC if he hits, and I don't let him climb stuff in other peoples houses...

...but then again I dont make him hug people if he doesnt want to and I dont really mind mess in my own house....so i'm maybe a bit gentle parenty...

There's probably some similarities, and I think if you like one you'll probably like at least some aspects of the other.

[mikado1]

Clearly she doesn't want to do anything though ZoopDragon, being a good friend sometimes means just listening and offering some tea and biscuits even if you think and do differently.

[Mrsmadevans]

you should get rid of them. They are a bad influence and bullying your child.

[QueenThisTime]

Oh gawd OP tell me about it. I had several of these types of friends when DC were younger. So glad we're mostly past that stage! Saying "no" or "naughty" were banned, kids could do anything they liked. One friend sat with her screaming DD for an hour because she refused to go up the stairs into their flat, trying to gently persuade her. Just carry her up fgs! One let her child hit me full force in the face. She was terribly embarrassed and apologetic to me - said nothing to him!

The funny thing is I thought before I had kids that i would be pretty liberal and relaxed as a parent. I still think I am. But I look like Captain von Trapp next to the totally permissive parenting of some others.

The worst thing is when your DC can't understand why they aren't allowed to climb the curtains/stay up all night/pick all the flowers i the park when their friends are.

And yes their kids were entitled brats, though some of them have improved as they got older (probably school/peers having an influence).

AFAIK, and from what I've read, the science that has looked into it says (unsurprisingly really) that the best parenting method for bringing up happy, well-adjusted kids is a middle way – firm boundaries, but implemented with kindness and good humour.

I have spoken to permissive parents who actually thought boundaries themselves are a bad thing.

Just can't fathom it. haven't they noticed that we live in a society were boundaries are something that's going to be pretty important as an adult?

[Gottagetmoving]

I'm not sure I like any named 'parenting style' Different ones pop up and parents who have no common sense or logic of their own devote themselves to blindly following them.
Babies and children need love, time and boundaries to keep them safe.
Parenting is not an experiment and children are not your guinea pigs while you try out trendy theories.
If you don't know that your children should be stopped from hitting others, or sometimes need to be spoken to firmly, or you think they should never be allowed to be upset...just don't have kids until you snap out of it