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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go to a wedding reception and give £10 as a gift?

291 replies

roconnell · 24/01/2018 10:54

DP and I have received an evening invitation from one of my friends from uni, who I was fairly close to at the time, but haven't seen for over a year. DP has never met this friend or their soon to be spouse.

The invitation has come with one of those poems, along the lines of 'we have everything we could possibly need, but a little extra cash would be great,' type thing.
The issue is we could literally only afford £10 max. I'm part way through a masters degree and surviving mostly off a loan, and DP is also a student, and works part time in a very low paying job. AIBU to go to a wedding reception and give £10, or would it be better to just give nothing? Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
roconnell · 24/01/2018 22:27

Bluntness

My personal absolute lowest is £10, that's why I said it. I wouldn't give any amount of money lower than that. To be honest, I'm embarrassed that I might only have £10 to give, it's a not a nice position to be in. That might change soon anyway, fingers crossed, but my thread has certainly turned out interestingly.

OP posts:
Original poster
roconnell · 24/01/2018 22:29

I'm ridiculously impressed that I made a thread that has over 200 responses Grin

OP posts:
gemtheboats · 24/01/2018 22:42

If you feel you'd like to attend and celebrate their wedding, the fact you haven't seen your friend for a year doesn't matter. They clearly feel they'dike you there to have invited you. I think just a card would be fine, but if you feel uncomfortable just doing that, my husband's friends were skint when we married and made us a "mix tape" CD. They knew we were doing a fly drive in the USA for our honeymoon and had clearly put so much thought and time into choosing songs they thought we'd like and that would suit our trip that it was one of our favourite gifts.

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 24/01/2018 22:49

Quite a few people gave us £10. The lowest was £5, and that was just as much appreciated as any of the higher value gifts; from the giver, in her circumstances, it was as generous as the £200 from my godmother.

speakout · 24/01/2018 22:51

I would never under any circumstances give a cash wedding gift if asked.

It is beyond rude to ask for money.

ciele · 24/01/2018 22:52

Lottery tickets?

Teabagtits · 24/01/2018 22:55

Lottery tickets are great gifts when skint...

I hate these begging poems... from a recent discussion it seems I’m in the minority for thinking they’re cheap and tacky and a bit cheeky.

Give a bottle of wine from Lidl with a lucky dip held on with an elastic band. They might end up millionaires!

FucksBizz · 24/01/2018 22:56

I would never under any circumstances give a cash wedding gift if asked.

Speakout out of interest, why wouldn't you?

MissDuke · 24/01/2018 23:11

OP your friend will be delighted that you made the effort to travel so far for just an evening reception, not many would go to that trouble I reckon! She will not care in the slightest whether you give a tenner or not, a nice card and your presence there and she will be happy (I am basing this on the fact that you are prepared to go even though you are skint - she must be a nice person!).

Good luck on your interview and congrats on your own engagement Flowers

noeffingidea · 24/01/2018 23:30

don't forget, weddings cost £25,000 upwards
Plenty of weddings cost much less than that, and in any case that has no relevance to how much the OP can afford to give.

Girlfrommars77 · 24/01/2018 23:31

OP - £10 is fine. As pp said - write in card: hope this goes towards a couple of cocktails on honeymoon.

Acknowledge it - they asked for money - that's what you can afford and they'll be really pleased to have you at their party

Argeles · 24/01/2018 23:44

I’d genuinely much rather receive £10 than some naff ‘wedding’ photo frame, or ‘bride and groom’ matching glasses.

When we married, we wrote on our invitations that we would like to receive money or vouchers instead of presents. DH had lived on his own for a few years and so he had a toaster, kettle, towels, some furniture etc. I was dreading receiving all of those kinds of gifts in copious quantities, as I just think it’s so wasteful. We didn’t want a wedding gift list either, as we had what we needed.

One of our guests was unemployed and her partner had just fucked off. She gave us £5, and we greatly appreciated it.

Ihatemarmite123 · 24/01/2018 23:57

If that's all you can afford then that's it. If they are friends it won't be an issue. We had people at our wedding that didn't give us a present and there's no issue, I'd be annoyed if you gave me more than you could afford. I'm into cards, a nice card is all I'd like but to be honest just being there should be enough

Sparklyshoes16 · 25/01/2018 07:36

£10 is absolutely fine! We had quite a few £10 cards that said "have your first drink on us" we loved it...with that money we got a bottle of Champagne at St Pancras to drink on Eurostar and one on the way back from Paris Grin

It annoys me how some people on here have gone on about 'not being good enough for the day invite' we would have loved to have invited all our guests to the day but ours was £90 per head 160 day guests and evening was £70 per head with 90 coming at night (we really wanted to invite more to the day bit but just couldn't afford it and it was mainly Work friends of DH and people we had not seen for years but kept in touch with via email/Facebook)...we paid for rooms of our parents & long distance relatives/friends from Australia, Caribbean, America & Ireland...and negotiated a low rate for guests that wanted to stay over which was pretty much everyone and the nearby hotel (they paid for that)...yes we had a poem! But so what...it was actually cheaper stationary wise to just have the same invitation for everyone (minus food choices for evening guests) we made it clear on our invitations great if you do give us money but we'd rather you'd come & drink, be merry and do a jig/tap or three...it WASN'T those exact words but you get the jist!! Myself and dh had been together 7 years before we got married so had accumulated ALOT of stuff already...we just didn't need more stuff (we we're given family heirlooms a beautiful patch Work quilt from my mother's side (been in family for over 150 years) and a beautiful 18th century picture frame from DH side which has our wedding pic in now alongside DH parents and their parents going back to another two set of parents with Irish coat of arms etc and we love them-give me them over money any day) we thanked every single person who came...made a note of those that gave us money to add on to thank you for their generous gift and sent a thank you/pic mssg of us to the ones who gave for our first drink!!

one of our friends who got married just before us ended up with all sorts they were very grateful for it all...toasters, candle sticks, bedding, vases, soup maker, sprializer, three kettles, 2 blenders, lamps and a whole heap of other stuff...they lived in a one bedroom flat though three flights up with a newborn!! 90% of it went on eBay as they didn't have the storage space and already had a whole heap of it already...they only bought a 2 bed house last year! And the stuff from the flat has pretty much filled that!

So my point is if they've asked for money then give what you can afford!! £10 is plenty!! it really doesn't matter!!! What does matter is you being there having fun with them and them looking back on their photos being happy you made so much effort to be there...and if you give money it's just a bonus!!

Go...enjoy yourselves Smile

speakout · 25/01/2018 08:09

argeles - I’d genuinely much rather receive £10 than some naff gift

But it's not just about you.

Asking for cash is vulgar.

Littlechocola · 25/01/2018 08:16

My mother is trying to bully me into putting a stupid poem into our invites about money.
Your post is exactly why I don’t want to! I don’t want people to feel bad, I want them to join us but with no pressure of rights and wrongs.
£10 plus your company would be perfect.

ifitquackslikeaduck · 25/01/2018 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheilaFentiman · 25/01/2018 09:43

"I absolutely promise that our wedding will be a poem free zone"

Then you have won at life!

MichaelBendfaster · 25/01/2018 09:53

Lush, yes, I know people who are decent friends tend to remember stuff they've been told.

And I AM judging people who remember some information from the past and think that means they know all about people's financial situation and can judge them on it. IMO that makes someone definitely not the kind of friend anybody would want.

Cherry, for me £10 is too little to give without it looking tight and insulting.

But perhaps not for other people? There are people on here saying they've been on the receiving end of £10 and have been nothing but pleased and grateful.

What’s your minimum? Honestly, £0. Which is what I've given at a few weddings in the past when I couldn't afford a present or money on top of my train fare/overnight stay. And guess what? I'm still friends with the people whose weddings I attended and didn't give them anything. Because they're not grasping greedy fuckers.

Thebluedog · 25/01/2018 10:10

We asked for people’s presence, not presents. But got so much backlash around people wanting to give us gifts that we said If they absolutely insisted on giving a gift, then could they contribute to our chosen charity. Lots of people did this which was fantastic (we needed up setting up a specific page so could see how much everyone had raised) andwe also got shed loads of bottles of bubbly that didnt go amiss Wink

LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 25/01/2018 10:13

I haven't rtft.

Op you are not expected to go with a certain amount so yanbu at all.

There will be guests giving a huge range of cash and if this friend has invited you they have done so as they want you to be there and not for what you can give them.

I hate the attitude that xyz is expected.
Everyone's situation is different and I would hate for someone to be skint to give me money that I didn't really "need"

Go and enjoy yourselves and don't apologise for the amount Smile

OutToGetYou · 25/01/2018 11:14

In terms of what I would gift given I can afford it - I don't think evening only guests should give gifts. As a day time guest I'd give £50 or a gift from the list worth around that.
I don't mind if people prefer cash, easier for me.
I'd never give someone a bottle of anything for a wedding, that's not a proper wedding gift. Unless you're maybe 15.

dreamingaboutcheese · 25/01/2018 17:55

Why don't you give £10 worth of lottery tickets then you could be giving her £1m!! I'm sure she'll just be pleased to see you. Don't feel pressure to give more than you can.

Purplepillow94 · 25/01/2018 17:56

I agree with everyone saying they’re cheeky asking for cash it is a bit grabby. I’m not trying to offend anyone I’m just one of those people that doesn’t get the whole gift giving at weddings, I’m not traditional like that Grin £10 is fine but if you haven’t had contact for over a year then I personally wouldn’t go. To invite someone you haven’t seen for a year to your wedding and ask them for money is embarrassing in my opinion. Especially because you haven’t been invited to the ceremony just the evening.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 25/01/2018 18:02

It's great that they want you at the evening do. They may have big families for day do, but want to party in the evening and they wouldn't have invited you if they didn't want you there. It will be fun. £10 is fine since they've asked for money but why not make them something personal as some have suggested a photo collage, You know your friends best, have a chat with them.

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