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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go to a wedding reception and give £10 as a gift?

291 replies

roconnell · 24/01/2018 10:54

DP and I have received an evening invitation from one of my friends from uni, who I was fairly close to at the time, but haven't seen for over a year. DP has never met this friend or their soon to be spouse.

The invitation has come with one of those poems, along the lines of 'we have everything we could possibly need, but a little extra cash would be great,' type thing.
The issue is we could literally only afford £10 max. I'm part way through a masters degree and surviving mostly off a loan, and DP is also a student, and works part time in a very low paying job. AIBU to go to a wedding reception and give £10, or would it be better to just give nothing? Blush

OP posts:
Feb2018mumma · 24/01/2018 19:26

If you don't feel comfortable giving 10 pounds then buy a gift or a framed photo of them? I am sure after opening all their money envelopes a bottle of fizz or a nice frame would be nice! Also I had people at my wedding who didn't bring a gift/money at all and a year on I can't remember who they were and what money people gave (I didn't ask for anything in my wedding invites so might not be the best presepective!)

scrabbler3 · 24/01/2018 19:28

£10 is fine from second-tier guests.

drainsup · 24/01/2018 19:29

Married last year and we had no list or poem giving guidance. We got some cash, vouchers and plenty of bottles. Mostly for attendees at the after party the next day. The majority of guests to the day of our wedding gave nothing but that was fine :-)

Original poster
roconnell · 24/01/2018 19:30

I agree with @expatinscotland and @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe (great name by the way!)

My friend is not usually the grabby sort, and she has never displayed CF tendencies before. I think it's just that she's got caught up with the norm by sending one of those dreadful poems, without actually considering how it comes across.

I didn't say this initially, as I didn't think it was relevant to my OP, so apologies if it's a dripfeed, but DP and I are actually getting married too within the next year (cheaply, but this is part of the reason why we have so little money) and we aren't asking for anything. We don't have a gift list and we definitely will not be asking for money. If people ask what to get that's a different thing, but to ask for stuff I personally think is a bit rude. I still want to go though, because I like my friend.

Anyway, I heard today that I have a job interview next week, so this whole thread might have been pointless anyway Grin

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/01/2018 19:40

Good luck for interview, roconnell - and with your wedding plans. Just remember, no poems anywhere for anything. I'm sure your wedding will be lovely and you'll have guests who want to give you presents becauase they want to. Those are the very best sort.

Original poster
roconnell · 24/01/2018 19:42

Thank you! @LyingWitchInTheWardbrobe Flowers

I absolutely promise that our wedding will be a poem free zone Grin

OP posts:
ClaryFray · 24/01/2018 19:43

Yanbu

If she was a true friend she'd understand, and just want you there

QueenDramaLlama · 24/01/2018 20:30

£10 is fine.

Greyponcho · 24/01/2018 20:31

Good luck with the interview Flowers

katycb · 24/01/2018 20:35

Do you know where they are going on honeymoon? Could you get them an equivalent amount of currency in small denominations for drinks out there? Makes it look a bit more personal. Otherwise don't stress I'm pretty sure some of our evening guests just brought a card!

RoseGoldEagle · 24/01/2018 20:50

Most of our evening guests gave us 'just'a card, a few gave ten pounds and some fifteen or twenty, I can't remember anyone giving anything over that who was an evening guest- I hadn't been expecting anything at all from evening guests so thought that was more than generous!

FlouncyDoves · 24/01/2018 20:51

Good luck for your interview! And £10 in a card is fine - you could add a poem about being hard up.

Or just give a card. That’s also acceptable.

cheshiremama89 · 24/01/2018 20:56

@roconnell I got married this summer and it ranged massively.

£100+ from DH's parents friends (whom I hardly know)

£0 from uni pals! Cheeky buggers! Who snaffled entire bottles of Sancerre off the tables and took them with them around all night!

"Odd" figures such as £35 from an aunt, uncle, nephew, niece and her plus one (all work full time)

I found the whole thing very odd, and also received some very unusual gifts

CommonGrounds · 24/01/2018 21:00

Perfect. Don't get wine or prosecco, they will have loads.

Tmgc123 · 24/01/2018 21:01

This is a random one, but someone bought me a nice bunch of flowers which I appreciated, looked pretty on the gift table, although you do have a crap loads of flowers after a wedding!

Honestly, I’d say nothing is better. They’ll forget you have nothing, but probably not knowing your financial situation will remember the £10 and it is a small gift (don’t forget, weddings cost £25,000 upwards so its not like £10 is mega bucks in this circumstance)

If you want to, get a card, can you make something as a keepsake etc?

windchimesabotage · 24/01/2018 21:08

YANBU some of my closest friends only gave a tenner as a gift at my wedding because they didnt have much money but I was so happy that they had even given anything. Im sure they just want you to be there for their happy day and wouldnt want you to bankrupt yourself over it.

Cherrycokewinning · 24/01/2018 21:21

“Cherry, well in this scenario it ends at £10. Which you say you'd find 'embarrassing to give'. Talking about taping 3 pound coins to their card is not really relevant.“

Michaelfastbender it is relevant because for me £10 is too little to give without it looking tight and insulting. What’s your minimum? Because from your posts it doesn’t seem as though you have one. Is £5 ok if it’s all you can afford? £3? £1?

troodiedoo · 24/01/2018 21:38

My aunt, uncle, two adult children and their partners got us a group card with a £50 voucher. So that works out less than a tenner per person. And they are fairly wealthy.

Tmgc123 · 24/01/2018 21:49

OP, regarding asking for gifts: it’s not necessarily rude. People want to buy you a gift for your wedding. If you don’t have a list they’ll either buy you something they think of, or will ask you what you want and you don’t need to be answering that question 50 times 🤣

People ask for cash because they’ve been living together and don’t need anything but know people want to get a gift. It’s not about being naughty, it’s just tradition.

ZanyMobster · 24/01/2018 21:51

troodie - I would be a bit hacked off about that, it's just a bit lazy and tight to just club in for a £50 voucher between 6 people, especially for close family.

I sometimes think I live in an alternate universe to mumsnet, people are odd when it comes to friends and family on here. We all do lots for each other and help each other out where possible in time, support or money.

Amummyatlast · 24/01/2018 22:00

People like to give gifts at weddings. And many people like to give a gift that's appreciated, which is why people do gift lists or say they would like money. (We didn't have a gift list, but when asked said we would prefer money - the money later paid for our furniture when we moved to an unfurnished house.)

£10 is fine. Much better than an unwanted bottle of wine, photo frame or other naff gift from not on the high street or similar.

(The amount of wine I've given away over the years because it was an unwanted gift is staggering.)

troodiedoo · 24/01/2018 22:05

@ZanyMobster I was a bit miffed but didn't lose any sleep over it. They are known for being bit stingy. And to be fair, did travel the furthest to be there.

Rednailsandnaeknickers · 24/01/2018 22:10

I would never take wine or prosecco to an evening reception. Far too much chance of it being snaffled off the gift table and drunk by the lairy guests. Seen it happen several times.

£10 is fine especially if coupled with an offer of dinner on their return.

Bluntness100 · 24/01/2018 22:10

God, this thread lol.

I don't think anyone said the couple wouldn't appreciate it, I think what was said is it would feel tight and a bit embarrassing to bung a tenner in an envelope. You don't have to give anything. It's about how thr giver feels, not the receiver.

I agree everyone has their limits.so for many a tenner feels embarrassing to give as a wedding gift, for others not, so the question posed is a good one, at what point does it become embarrassing for the posters who feel a tenner is fine,,is it five pounds ? Two pounds? How little is it for them to say no I won't do that, and just give a card.

LillianGish · 24/01/2018 22:17

I honestly don’t really want gifts at all, or cash This may well be true, but the majority of people coming to your wedding will want to give you a gift and will give you something. Many people appreciate a steer -if someone invites me to their wedding the first thing I do is look for a gift list and get on there straight away to have the best choice. A good gift list will have lots of low priced items so someone who just wants to spend a tenner can get the teaspoons while someone with a larger budget can buy the entire canteen of cutlery (or whatever - that’s just an example). It requires a bit of effort from the bride and groom, but it means even those without much spare cash can buy a small gift they know will be appreciated - which is more satisfactory than giving a tenner. I don’t particularly see the problem with inviting people for a party in the evening, especially guests who live locally - different if they've got to travel halfway across the country. Some people might appreciate not having to spend the whole day - especially if they’ve got kids they are not allowed to/don’t want to bring (but that’s a whole new thread).