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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go to a wedding reception and give £10 as a gift?

291 replies

roconnell · 24/01/2018 10:54

DP and I have received an evening invitation from one of my friends from uni, who I was fairly close to at the time, but haven't seen for over a year. DP has never met this friend or their soon to be spouse.

The invitation has come with one of those poems, along the lines of 'we have everything we could possibly need, but a little extra cash would be great,' type thing.
The issue is we could literally only afford £10 max. I'm part way through a masters degree and surviving mostly off a loan, and DP is also a student, and works part time in a very low paying job. AIBU to go to a wedding reception and give £10, or would it be better to just give nothing? Blush

OP posts:
Queeniebed · 24/01/2018 11:22

I never expect any gifts from evening guests - just buy a nice card

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 24/01/2018 11:23

I’d not feel guilty about turning up to an evening do and bringing nothing more than a card.

I know i did not expect gifts from any of our guests, certainly not from evening guests.

Just go, give your friend a big hug and have a lovely night, drop the card off and she probably won’t even notice that you took nothing.

PasDeDeux · 24/01/2018 11:25

It's definitely an acceptable amount, however I think that if it was me I would be a nice bottle of prosecco instead.

Greensleeves · 24/01/2018 11:26

You know what, one of my biggest regrets is that MIL bullied me into having a bloody M&S wedding list, and I know some of my friends found it rude. It makes my toes curl just thinking about it. You know your friends, they won't give a monkeys what you give them, they just want you there. Don't worry about it Flowers

QueenDaisy · 24/01/2018 11:28

I would just take a card for an evening invite to a wedding, but as you’ve not seen her for a while, if I was you I’d be tempted to not go & post her a card.

Aridane · 24/01/2018 11:28

£10 or nothing is absolutely fine. I wouldn't bother lumbering them with unnecessary gifts / alcohol

DerelictWreck · 24/01/2018 11:29

Do not take a bottle!!

They've asked for cash so don't ignore that and take something else. £10 is absolutely fine and looks much better than ignoring their wishes!

Mitzimaybe · 24/01/2018 11:29

£10 is fine. Some of our evening guests gave us £10, some gave us a bottle, some gave us nothing; I don't think any gave more than £20. I didn't expect anything from an evening guest, though, so anything at all was a bonus.

I didn't put anything in the invites about money. It's only if someone asked if we had a wedding list that we said we'd rather have cash but not to feel obliged to give us anything.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 24/01/2018 11:30

I would politely decline, you are unfortunately unable to attend.
Especially if they have ' everything we need' it's really crass IMO to ask for money. Some people will v likely give money anyway, but it's wrong to ask.
'No presents, just presence' is what I've seen on more than one invitation lately, and the couples were far from loaded.
We gave them cheques anyway.

janaus · 24/01/2018 11:33

You’d spend more than that on a night out surely? I was brought up to give the value of what the wedding cost per head and a bit more.

Might be done different in UK.

I’m not sure what evening guests are? If invited to a wedding here, we go to the ceremony part, then the reception, that’s it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/01/2018 11:33

You don't have to give them anything other than a card, OP. If you're that strapped then I really wouldn't. It's different if you attend a daytime reception but this is an evening 'do' and it's not the same thing.

If they've put that cringey poem in the invitation to the evening event then it is they who should be red-faced, not you. Write a card with your good wishes and give it or post it to them and then decide about whether you want to attend the event.

MichaelBendfaster · 24/01/2018 11:34

FFS. The OP has said clearly that they ARE going.

viques · 24/01/2018 11:35

Re giving a bottle of wine instead of money. Ten people/couples each giving £10 adds up to £100. I would rather have the cash than ten bottles of wine that I didn't choose.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/01/2018 11:36

Amended for MichaelBendfaster:

You don't have to give them anything other than a card, OP. If you're that strapped then I really wouldn't. It's different if you attend a daytime reception but this is an evening 'do' and it's not the same thing.

If they've put that cringey poem in the invitation to the evening event then it is they who should be red-faced, not you. Write a card with your good wishes and give it or post it to them and then decide about whether you want to attend the event.

Ok Mike?

Kittypillar · 24/01/2018 11:38

You shouldn't feel guilty about it at all!!! The fact that you're making the effort to go, which will also cost you something, and wanting to give them money when things are really tight at the moment is really not something to feel bad about. I got married last year and I honestly would have been horrified if someone was worried because of something like this. They should just be happy you went along to celebrate with them - or I'd like to think so!

Why not just get them a nice bottle of wine and a card if you really aren't happy with a tenner? You might feel that that looks better (even though you really shouldn't be concerned).

thecatsthecats · 24/01/2018 11:38

Michael - I almost said that before the OP responded saying so!

Weddings bring out so much projection from other people.

Original poster
roconnell · 24/01/2018 11:39

We ARE going.
We won't give a bottle, I think it'll be a pain for them to have to find somewhere to put it for the evening and then take it home with them. We are definitely going to give a card, I just don't know whether to give it with or without £10 in it. I don't want to offend with such a small amount of money.

Not that it's relevant, but I'm inclined to agree about those poems being a bit cringe. I wouldn't do it.

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 24/01/2018 11:39

Send her a poem back along the lines of we don't have everything we possibly need in fact we need quite a lot of things do you want to give us some money. Don't go. She's a CF.

MichaelBendfaster · 24/01/2018 11:42

Lying, I was referring to the poster who recommended politely declining.

TandemBanana · 24/01/2018 11:43

How about you put a note in the card saying that your gift will follow shortly - you can defer the cost to the following month when cash is less tight. As long as you remember to actually send them the money later, that should be fine?

MadMags · 24/01/2018 11:46

People have only suggested not going because of OP’s finances. It’s not some out of left field suggestion Hmm

Viviennemary · 24/01/2018 11:47

They're the type of people who will laugh and think £10 is really Scrooge like. Kind of like Marie Antoinette and her cake statement. How crass to ask for money from people when you've got everything you need. Why not ask for donations to charity.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 24/01/2018 11:48

I think it's fine to give £10. You could say something in your card about how happy you are for both of them and you hope this very small token will buy them both a drink on honeymoon, or something like that.

Anybody who would think less of you for only being able to give a small amount is not somebody whose opinion is worth having.

mindutopia · 24/01/2018 11:48

If the wedding isn't tomorrow, I would just find a way to save a little extra. 20 would be perfectly reasonable if that's all you can afford. 10 seems a bit cheeky if she doesn't know your financial situation. But if you have more than a month between now and then just set some money aside in the card when times are a bit easier.

ColinFlower · 24/01/2018 11:49

We got a £10 gift but can't for the life of me remember off who! It doesn't really matter, give whatever you can afford.