Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go to a wedding reception and give £10 as a gift?

291 replies

roconnell · 24/01/2018 10:54

DP and I have received an evening invitation from one of my friends from uni, who I was fairly close to at the time, but haven't seen for over a year. DP has never met this friend or their soon to be spouse.

The invitation has come with one of those poems, along the lines of 'we have everything we could possibly need, but a little extra cash would be great,' type thing.
The issue is we could literally only afford £10 max. I'm part way through a masters degree and surviving mostly off a loan, and DP is also a student, and works part time in a very low paying job. AIBU to go to a wedding reception and give £10, or would it be better to just give nothing? Blush

OP posts:
LushBlitzer · 24/01/2018 17:39

Do people really keep track of their friends' holidays/car and judge their finances by things like having kids or not? Who has the time? Do they keep spreadsheets?

It's not hard to notice when your friend mentions they're going to the States for 3 weeks or talks about a nice restaurants they went to last week.

It's not even a conscious judgement most of the time. Not saying if someone says they're going on holiday, people immediately think 'oh they're loaded'. People just pick up on things over time and come to a conclusion. It's not hard to understand how this happens.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 24/01/2018 17:39

It's greedy and grasping to ask for cash but from an evening only guest i don't think gifts should even be thought of. It's sends the message of not only being second rate s a guest but that you've been invited to make up the gift numbers.

MrsMaxwell · 24/01/2018 17:40

We invited 11 people (colleagues and their partners) from work to day and eve and they gave us £60 between them. Had to give them all individual thank you cards.

It’s not like they are going to say something to you is it?

MrsMaxwell · 24/01/2018 17:44

We don’t didn’t ask for cash we asked for vouchers and ended up with about 9 bottles of prosecco.

Cherrycokewinning · 24/01/2018 17:45

“Cherry, £10 might not be 'very much money' to you, but can you entertain the possibility that it is a lot of money to some people?”

Of course it’s a lot of money to lots of people. It has been to me at various times. That’s not really the point is it? As I say where does that end? Selloptape a £2 coin on their card?

expatinscotland · 24/01/2018 17:49

'It's not hard to notice when your friend mentions they're going to the States for 3 weeks or talks about a nice restaurants they went to last week. '

And the place a monetary amount on the friendship? The mind boggles. I wouldn't want friends like that. Fucking hell, we've been on holidays that were paid for by my folks. Or maybe the friend has a lot of debt, who knows. Really no one's business. But to then turn round and tell friends to hand over cash to come to your wedding and then judge them by the amount they give is just . . . not very friend-like behaviour.

LushBlitzer · 24/01/2018 17:52

@expatinscotland It's not their business, doesn't mean they won't judge. I'm just explaining why in the real world some people might feel the way they do. If you don't like it, you don't have to be friends with them.

expatinscotland · 24/01/2018 17:57

Who would want to be friends with people who monitor their lives and see friendship as a tit-for-tat point-scoring game.

MichaelBendfaster · 24/01/2018 18:00

It's not hard to notice when your friend mentions they're going to the States for 3 weeks or talks about a nice restaurants they went to last week.

But then logs the information and uses it to judge whether they gave 'enough' as a wedding present? Confused TBH, if the friends in the OP's posts are like this then she shouldn't bother going to the wedding. But I suspect they're not and that's why she wants to go, despite 'only' having £10 to spare as a present.

Cherry, well in this scenario it ends at £10. Which you say you'd find 'embarrassing to give'. Talking about taping 3 pound coins to their card is not really relevant.

LushBlitzer · 24/01/2018 18:02

Lol, remembering your friend had a nice holiday, and works for a living counts as 'monitoring' them now. I personally would just call it being a friend and remembering some stuff they tell me about.

MichaelBendfaster · 24/01/2018 18:05

Lush, I'll ask again: then logging the information and using it to judge whether they gave 'enough' as a wedding present? That's 'being a friend', is it?

LillianGish · 24/01/2018 18:27

Also if everyone stuck a tenner in a card instead of buying useless tat that people don't want it would add up to a bigger sum of money. I agree. This is surely the whole point of asking for money in the first place. Though actually I think if you are going to do that it's better to have some object in mind that you are saving up for - have your wedding list at John Lewis for example and put something like a sofa on it so people can contribute in a slightly more anonymous way than having to hand over the hard cash. I see no problem with wedding lists - generally people do want to buy a wedding gift and this saves you getting a pile of random tat or lots of duplicates and most people would surely rather get the couple something they want. I think asking for cash is a bit more blatant and suggests you can't even be arsed to make things less awkward for people. With a wedding list everyone turns up empty-handed so it's less obvious if someone wants to opt out. With regard to the OP, I imagine they've invited you because they want to be there not because they think you are going to make some huge donation so give then a tenner or even just send a card.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/01/2018 18:50

But it's not the done thing for evening invitations, is it? It really is tacky. They needn't have done a poem at all, just issued the invitations for those guests they wanted for the evening and welcomed them (without grasping for gifts). If guests bring cards/gifts/whatever then that is kind, but it's not an actual requirement for this sort of invitation.

Some of the responses from posters on this thread are awful and they're part of the tackiness perpetuation. I agree with expatinscotland in that if you make your guests feel uncomfortable in any way then you don't deserve to have them.

Ceremony and reception guests - absolutely, although I don't see why a poem is needed because those are people who you care about who care about you - they will want to give you a gift and you'll appreciate it because those people mean something to you.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/01/2018 18:52

and Michaelfastbender too. This isn't friendship, it's pseudo-something but not friendship.

Tippexy · 24/01/2018 18:53

I’d buy a bottle of wine/prosecco for a tenner, rather than give the £10 cash.

thegreylady · 24/01/2018 18:55

A voucher, M&S maybe?

SockUnicorn · 24/01/2018 19:02

I can see that my friends would want me there and have invited me for my company and not the gift i bring, but i personally would be upset at only being able to afford £10 and would not go. Or would borrow another £10 from my mum or something (making it £20), rather than give £10.

OP what about putting a handmade gift voucher in there? for "dinner at our house with wine etc". you could even make a menu. so its a date AND a gift. will cost more in the long run but buys you some time.

LushBlitzer · 24/01/2018 19:06

@Michaelfastbender nobody is logging any information... I'll say it again for your benefit, people who are decent friends tend to remember stuff they've been told. And as for the question why some people raise an eyebrow at £10, I've said the reason could be because they remember some information from the past that gives a false preception of people's financial situation. I'm not here to judge whether that makes someone a friend or not, I'm just saying this happens in real life whether you like it or not.

Dieu · 24/01/2018 19:10

I would spend the £10 on a gift; such as a voucher for a Groupon afternoon tea for two, a nice bottle of something, or a lovely photo frame. The January sales are on at the moment, so you could get something really nice for a tenner. I personally wouldn't bother leaving the cash though, as it looks a bit tight and unimaginative. Sorry!

raisinsraisins · 24/01/2018 19:13

I wouldn't give the £10, I would just give a really nice card. Maybe put a funny/sentimental poem in about your time at University together. If you're just an evening invite then I don't think they'll mind not getting a gift. On my wedding I remember I didn't get a gift from someone and I just assumed they had forgotten to enclose it, and I didn't think badly of them at all.

Mooey89 · 24/01/2018 19:15

This thread is so depressing
We’re getting married in a September, it’s a wedding of 60 day guests and a further 49 evening guests.

We don’t have a lot of money, but we want to celebrate with people we love.

If we’ve invited you it’s becayse we love you and want your company, not because you’re a cash point!

Scabbersley · 24/01/2018 19:19

Then why even ask for money? I think asking for money is about as grabby as it gets but I am old.

Mooey89 · 24/01/2018 19:22

Well, I haven’t asked for anything.
But also, I don’t need 6 toasters so didn’t ask for gifts either. I honestly don’t really want gifts at all, or cash - precisely because it makes people feel like the OP.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 24/01/2018 19:22

Then why even ask for money? I think asking for money is about as grabby as it gets but I am old.

I'm young and I think it's disgusting.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 24/01/2018 19:24

Mooey89 has the right idea!

Swipe left for the next trending thread