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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if knowing all you know now - would you still have had dc?

186 replies

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 23/01/2018 21:00

I'm basing this on the other thread wrt would you still have married or had a ltr with your dp/dh and the other thread about being happy with your lot. It's made me think and reflect.

But I'd just like to ask - knowing everything you know so far and your life so far would you still have had children knowing everything you do thus far?

I'm in a bit of a difficult position so I'd really welcome any and all opinions. Just for a chat tbh.

OP posts:
missadasmith · 24/01/2018 22:21

no, probably not. one of my DC us severely disabled which has a profound affect on our health, mental health, wrecked my marriage, finances are shit. I love my DC but if I had known the hard route ahead, I would have remained child free.

Saracen · 24/01/2018 23:07

If I'd known what lay ahead in MY life then yes, I would have had kids. It has been great.

But if I had realised just how hard it can be if things don't turn out as you hoped... maybe not. I don't know. Since becoming a parent, I have met many parents who have an incredibly challenging life. I was naive about that before I had kids. It's such a big gamble, isn't it?

Whirlytastic · 24/01/2018 23:16

DC1 yes; DC2 no. Wish so much we'd stuck at one child - we'd be so much happier.

Brakebackcyclebot · 25/01/2018 12:30

minmooch - that's heartbreaking. FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers

Bixg · 25/01/2018 12:54

OP, I haven't had children and have never tried to have them, but you may be in the same situation I was in my mid-30's? My friends were having children then and for me I had a very brief 'it's now or never for me' realisation. But I really did not have the urge to have them, no body clock thing or anything like that.

I adore children and find tiny babies fascinating (while others sometimes find them a bit boring) it's the whole life ahead of them thing and hoping I can play a part in encouraging them towards a happy and fulfilling journey through life as an auntie, godmother, friend.

But it's okay for me as I don't have the ultimate responsibility that their parents have, and I always felt I would have to give 100% to children if I had them, which I just wasn't prepared to compromise on.

I'm past my child-bearing years now and have no regrets at all. The best thing now is that partners don't worry that I'll be wanting a child with them or will steal their sperm!

MrsBobDylan · 25/01/2018 13:27

Yes, but I would have started earlier and had more (I have three and would like four).

If it helps op, I think I feel this way because I genuinely like looking after people, so all the poop cleaning, clothes washing etc feeds into my genuine desire to nurture.

My childhood was abusive and creating a happy family home was my big wish for myself. But, my husband is fabulous, kind and hard working and my in laws are like parents to me. If I had a terrible husband I'm not sure it would have worked out so well.

okthen · 25/01/2018 13:32

Yes. But I would have started at 25 instead of 30ish. And chosen a more family-friendly career.

BarbarianMum · 25/01/2018 13:32

Yes but I'm not sure it's a question you can properly answer until the end of your life, and perhaps not even then. So much depends on the eventual outcome, both for you and them.

Luxembourgmama · 25/01/2018 13:33

Yes its not nearly as hard as i thought it would be

PenguinsandPandas · 25/01/2018 13:38

Would definitely have them again, love them so much. DS is ASD but he's perfect just the way he is to me.

EnglishRose13 · 25/01/2018 13:41

As someone who didn't think they wanted to have children, 100% yes.

PipGirl404 · 25/01/2018 13:41

Some days yes, some days no.

I wish I had picked a different man as DD's Dad is utterly hopeless. The man I am with now would have made the best, most excellent father.

She's opened my life up to many things I wouldn't have otherwise had, some days I'm utterly in love with her but at the same time she has stopped me from doing so many things I would have loved to and she's tied me to a person who has essentially ruined my life.

It's a hard one... on the whole, yes. If I had to do it again knowing what I do now I'd have left her dad before I even told him I was pregnant.

FunnysInLaJardin · 25/01/2018 13:45

all those saying yes they would have had their kids but with a different man, do realise that they would then have had different kids!

PipGirl404 · 25/01/2018 13:52

No shit sherlock @FunnysInLaJardin

Quite clearly this is a hypothetical thread as unless you're aware of time travelling science that you're holding back from the rest of us, we're all pretty aware we cannot un-have our children and have them with different men.

facepalm

FunnysInLaJardin · 25/01/2018 13:55

and yes absolutely would do it again. My 2 boys are lovely and I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

My eldest is now at secondary and I'm hoping we get through the next few years in one piece Grin

FunnysInLaJardin · 25/01/2018 14:00

ohhh Pip handbags at dawn Grin. Its been years since I've heard that phrase.

I just don't know how you can say yes I would have had my children but with a different father.

Anyway what do I know, never an issue I had

geekone · 25/01/2018 14:16

Yes yes and yes I wouldn't change a thing I adore my crazy DS and his grumpy daddy having him filled a hole I knew was there but didn't know what was actually missing. We are a great team I just wish he wouldn't grow up so fast public kisses and cuddles are becoming a no no (embarrassing mummy alert).

BertieBotts · 25/01/2018 14:18

So? I wouldn't miss DS if he'd never been conceived, would I?

happyfrown · 25/01/2018 14:19

No not in this life.
My childhood was fun and carefree. There wasn't as many school test, over the top health and safety rules. Internet peer pressures, stupid gadgets that change yearly. Less crime and broad day light stabbing or acid attacks. There's more I can't think of right now.
My dcs are under so much pressure to be the best, do the best but with parents unable to fund or keep up with the demands - kids these days either turn rebel and violent or reclusive and depressed.

I wouldn't have brought them into this world if I knew this is how life changes.

Metalhead · 25/01/2018 14:33

In all honesty - I’m not sure. I would definitely have waited and sorted out my career first before jumping into having DC1 just because of the good maternity package... eight years later and I’m still stuck in the same job I hate.

MistyMeena · 25/01/2018 14:37

Yes, I would. But I would never have sent DS to school!

Katedotness1963 · 25/01/2018 15:13

Absolutely! They're an absolute joy to me, it just gets better and better. They're 16 and 18 now and I just love spending time with them. I had no idea it was possible to be as proud of anyone as I am of them.

expatinscotland · 25/01/2018 15:19

NO! DD1 died from leukaemia, DD2 has dyslexia, DS has autism. If I knew what I know now when I was 28, I'd have stayed with my ex h who never wanted children and never had any of them. Then no one would have suffered.

FruitCocktailAndCream · 25/01/2018 17:38

No, due to disability, poverty and illness, plus the world is fucked and I worry about their future.

Sologirl1982 · 25/01/2018 23:09

No.