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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if knowing all you know now - would you still have had dc?

186 replies

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 23/01/2018 21:00

I'm basing this on the other thread wrt would you still have married or had a ltr with your dp/dh and the other thread about being happy with your lot. It's made me think and reflect.

But I'd just like to ask - knowing everything you know so far and your life so far would you still have had children knowing everything you do thus far?

I'm in a bit of a difficult position so I'd really welcome any and all opinions. Just for a chat tbh.

OP posts:
ColdBlue · 23/01/2018 21:18

Yes, but I would have had those same embryos (we did ivf) put into a surrogate, because me being pregnant triggered an auto immune disease in me (MS)

eyesonme · 23/01/2018 21:19

Nope

SusanChurchouse · 23/01/2018 21:19

I don't think I would, no.

Original poster
RedHareWithBlondeHair · 23/01/2018 21:21

So how do you make the choice? I've spent most of my MN time on the Relationships board, it's bloody terrifying. And now I'm at an age where it's either do it or don't.

OP posts:
LML83 · 23/01/2018 21:21

my thought process was

Yes! of course.......i mean what would I do (daydreams a little) probably still have them....imagine i didn't (ahhh the peace, the free time, spare cash) then back to of course. Was a close call for a minute there Wink

BlackberryandNettle · 23/01/2018 21:23

Yes, despite parenting being harder than I expected.

loveisenough · 23/01/2018 21:23

Yes

Dahlietta · 23/01/2018 21:24

Without hesitation, yes. I'm not sure I have yet given up on dreams of number 3...

SparklySeaShell · 23/01/2018 21:25

Definitely, oh they're hard work but I bloody love them!

MyNameIsInigoMantoya · 23/01/2018 21:25

Yes. I adore my DC more than life itself. It's very, very hard work, but then nothing worthwhile is easy.

HRTpatch · 23/01/2018 21:25

No

Amanduh · 23/01/2018 21:27

Yes yes yes yes a million times. Nothing will ever be better than DS is despite how hard it can be. He is worth it all!

Mxyzptlk · 23/01/2018 21:28

Do you have a good relationship with someone you love, OP? Do you know any babies or children?

If I was at the same stage, but knowing what I do now, I might put it off for several years or not have kids at all.
If I did have them, I'd hope to be a lot better mother than I actually was.

PumpkinPie2016 · 23/01/2018 21:30

Yes, I would. DS wasn't an easy baby and there are tough days without a doubt. However, he is amazing and I love him so, so much. I couldn't imagine life without him.

He's 4 now and so much fun, plus things are easier than when he was a baby.

Cowardlycustard2 · 23/01/2018 21:32

Definitely yes. I adore my DC and feel I am a 100% better person for having them in my life.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 23/01/2018 21:34

It's interesting how the people saying no are just saying no and leaving it at that

(Currently childfree)

Blankiefan · 23/01/2018 21:34

I would now but if youd asked me when dd was 1, id have said no.

The thing is that there's no right and wrong answer here for you. If you have a child, chances are it'll be tough and you'll hate some bits but will also get a good dose of joy and overall will be glad you did. BUT if you don't, you can still have a perfectly full life - although you may have to work harder at filling it. It'll be more about you and you'll have different choices / experiences.

Both can be great lives; both can be shit; both can be somewhere in between. I think it's more about why you bring to it / take from it. Both paths are completely valid and valuable. I don't know if I'd have realised/ believed this if I hadn't had a child which always seemed in some mystical way "special and shrouded in the unknown.

Distractotron · 23/01/2018 21:34

I almost want to have had them with DP and not exH. But they wouldn't be the people they are, and I don't know what my relationship with DP would be if we'd gone through the baby bit together. So I'm grateful for how things have worked out and glad we're all ok. I wouldn't change it but am glad I don't have to go through it again.

Jaygee61 · 23/01/2018 21:37

I fought to conceive for the first ten years of my marriage, then spent a few more years hoping for that miracle that seems to happen to so many, but now, I’d say I’m 65% glad and 35% sad that I never had any.

Chrisinthemorning · 23/01/2018 21:37

Yes, DS is wonderful. 80% of me is glad he’s an only, 20% wistful for another cuddly baby. There won’t be another though.

BillywigSting · 23/01/2018 21:37

Yes absolutely, and I would have been far less hesitant (and distressed when I fell pregnant with ds accidentally)

He is without a shadow of a doubt my favourite person ever and he makes me laugh every single day.

Yes it's hard but life is definitely better with him than it was before

theyoniwayisnorthwards · 23/01/2018 21:38

Yes absolutely. My DC are the best thing in my life and I feel happy and lucky even though as others have said, parenting is harder than I realised it would be. I do wish i’d worked harder, been more organised and more realistic in my ambitions before I had kids though. I was a broke creative and now I wish I had trained and built a career in something a little more lucrative and stable before I had my babies.

FruitCocktailAndCream · 23/01/2018 21:49

Nope.

SisyphusHadItEasy · 23/01/2018 21:50

No.

I have a genetic disorder that, in me, is mild. However, I passed it to all my children. It was not known before I had them, and they all were worse off than me.

My first born is mild-moderately affected, my second died from the disease, and my third is significantly affected.

Knowing what I know now... Not in a million years would i have condemned them to this.

sourpatchkid · 23/01/2018 21:52

Yes DS is the light of my life, an absolute joy.

But did I know how hard it would be? No. I'd say to anyone now, if you have any hesitation don't do it. It's exhausting, it's relentless, you might have one that means you don't sleep for years, you don't get to do anything spontaneously anymore. You can't just get pissed off your face whenever you fancy it.
You loose a part of yourself.

I absolutely could not have done it without DH. It would be a nightmare without a loving and supportive partner. And my kid is amazing, he fun and easy going but still it's hard.

But again, all that considered - he laughs and my heart soars. His smile makes me whole day and we laugh all the time. I honestly didn't know I could love someone this intensely (and I've always had a good happy and loving life)