Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if knowing all you know now - would you still have had dc?

186 replies

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 23/01/2018 21:00

I'm basing this on the other thread wrt would you still have married or had a ltr with your dp/dh and the other thread about being happy with your lot. It's made me think and reflect.

But I'd just like to ask - knowing everything you know so far and your life so far would you still have had children knowing everything you do thus far?

I'm in a bit of a difficult position so I'd really welcome any and all opinions. Just for a chat tbh.

OP posts:
Plumsofwrath · 24/01/2018 02:28

There’s nothing easy about raising children, I think. But they’re an easy, self-contained short-cut to giving life a purpose, they’re a meaningful long-term project that makes your own life less futile. I think I’d have had to work much, much harder to find that same kind of purpose outside of raising children.

AnnaFiveTowns · 24/01/2018 02:48

No. I worry too much about the state of the world. The thought of what things will be like for them terrifies me.

AssassinatedBeauty · 24/01/2018 02:54

Yes, I'd have started sooner and had more as well. But these are things that I can't change so it doesn't bother me excessively.

MsGameandWatching · 24/01/2018 02:57

Yes, I would have had another, maybe even two.

xXKXx · 24/01/2018 02:58

Yes. Wouldn't change being a parent for anything I love it

MsGameandWatching · 24/01/2018 02:59

I think that's very accurate Plum. I was meandering doing not much of anything before I had children. I couldn't settle to anything so wasn't achieving anything. They focussed me and not just on them but on wanting to be better for them.

cambodianfoxhound · 24/01/2018 03:00

I don't have any children. I have been married a long time, and for a long time it was an open book really. We didn't do anything to prevent having them but they never arrived. We never went to exceptional lengths to make it happen either. Just sort of 'what will be will be'.

There were times when I was consumed by the thought of it - should I be trying harder. Will I regret not trying harder. Something always pulled me back though.

Now I am at peace with the whole thing and think honestly it is the right decision for me. I am an anxious person and worry a lot. Mainly about harm coming to people I love and care about. I think that anxiety would have consumed me if I had children and probably would have had a negative effect on their life too.

I am happy and content now. I have no regrets. I don't worry about the future either. I have a rich and full life. I can relate to where your mind is. Society tells us that the only way we can really be happy is to have children and we will regret it if we don't. Don't look without, look within.

givemesteel · 24/01/2018 03:03

So how do you make the choice? I've spent most of my MN time on the Relationships board, it's bloody terrifying. And now I'm at an age where it's either do it or don't.

You can't predict the future OP, with or without children you could go through a messy divorce, domestic violence etc. If you're not in the right relationship or there are warning signs about the person you're with then it's not advisable to have children with them regardless of your age.

This thread shows the majority of people don't regret having children but obviously it is the biggest thing you can do to change the course of your life. If you imagine your life in 10, 20, 50 years time with or without kids, which feels the most natural?

For me, when I was with the wrong guy for 6 years I wasn't convinced I wanted children but I think that was because I subconsciously knew he was an unsuitable parent and we'd have a tough time with it.

When I met my dh that changed and I wanted to have kids with him, and then I just had a feeling in my bones that I wanted them. But you have to want it warts and all and accept the risks of having a child with a disability etc.

Ideally I'd have had them a couple of years earlier but then rationally if I'd done that a different egg and sperm would have met and I wouldn't have the two wonderful ones I have.

ohfourfoxache · 24/01/2018 03:04

Yes, without hesitation. They are both the only good things I’ve ever done.

Would I do things differently? Yes. We would have tried earlier (together 15 years when Ds1 came along)

Even when they tantrum (as Ds1 did tonight) there is no way I’d be without them

ohfourfoxache · 24/01/2018 03:06

Actually Giveme that’s very true, that they wouldn’t be them if they had come along earlier. Makes me feel better about waiting tbh Thanks

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/01/2018 03:07

Yes. DD is awesome. I can't imagine not knowing her now.

But I also think I would have been happy without a child. I had one because DH wanted one. I wasn't broody.

So just make a choice. You'll never the live the other life so you'll never know.

BoomBoomsCousin · 24/01/2018 06:07

I wouldn't. I do love my kids and I don't have a bad life by any measure. But it's not what I want and I can't do the sorts of things I want to that I use to be able to. I had kids because my DH really wanted them and I was having a bit of a career crisis and though it could be a bit of a great adventure. I wish I'd doubled down on the career instead though. Or done something completely different. It does nothing for my sense of self at all.

neverhadanymarblestolose · 24/01/2018 08:10

Yes - although my eldest is only 6 so that's as far as my experience goes.
It's a lot harder than I thought, as I'm not a natural parent and at times I struggle with how needy children are. But they do light up my world and fill it with a different kind of love. And on a purely selfish level, it gives me a weird kind of peace, knowing that a part of me will live on in them when I'm gone, so my existence meant something, if that makes sense (probably not!)

DancesWithOtters · 24/01/2018 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gingerclementine · 24/01/2018 08:30

Yes yes yes yes. Best thing that ever happened to me. I had a very 'glamorous' interesting job and I've completely screwed up my career by being such a hands-on mum and I really don't give a damn. I had no idea I'd enjoy being a mum this much (hated the baby phase, incidentally. Was rubbish at it. As soon as they stood up and started to talk it got good.)

Part of me wishes I was one of those driven, energetic women who balance career and family but I'm not so I have to choose between being a good mum and an average worker in my field or the other way round. I decided ages ago to just give in to being a mum. That sounds very self-sacrificial but it's not. It's only 18-20 years - a quarter of our time on earth, by these days' life expectancy. I did loads of great stuff before having DC and plan to do loads of great stuff afterwards. While they're around, I love this being my main job.

LoopyLou1981 · 24/01/2018 08:31

Yes, I adore my 2. They’re the one thing that (for the most part) I feel like I get right.
That said, they are a constant worry and I stress a lot that something I have or haven’t done could impact negatively on them going forward.
I figure all I can do is do my best and hope that they turn out to be nice human beings x

Eolian · 24/01/2018 08:34

This thread is surely bound to be a bit skewed though. The people who bother to respond are almost certainly the ones who feel most strongly about it (either from a 'no, my life is a nightmare since I had kids' pov, or from a 'Yes, they are the one shining light in my otherwise crappy life' pov).

There must be loads of people (like me) who are simply getting along fine being a parent. My dc have neither given me a previously lacking, life-transforming purpose (my life was pretty good before dc) nor ruined it (they are good kids and pretty easy to deal with).

Pannacott · 24/01/2018 09:20

Yes I'd have had mine. BUT:

  • I had a good and interesting career before having kids, and I should be able to return to it.
  • I had plenty of wild and crazy adventurous years when I was younger. There were few things I still wanted to try.
  • I was financially stable.
  • I was pessimistic about parenting and fully aware of many of the downsides.
  • I live in a city - easy to get about, lots to do with kids.
  • I had an emptiness and sense of futility than needed occupying (I'm aware having kids is a selfish solution).
  • I met someone pretty much with the intention of having kids with them. They are fair, kind, reliable, consistent. Not necessarily what I'd have been looking for if I wasn't planning kids.

OP it's good if you are seeing the issues on the Relationship boards. If you can be brutally honest with yourself, if your OH a hard worker? Likely to get up in the morning with the kids? Be fair if you split?

Having a family has been in my top three life experiences. I truly love it - the moments of joy. Yes it's very hard too.

cushioncovers · 24/01/2018 09:21

Yes but with a different man.

TammySwansonTwo · 24/01/2018 09:27

I was told from a very young age I'd be unable to have children and so DH and I didn't try - we just got on with our lives. After my mum passed away I realised how important it was to me, and we started trying - I conceived right away, and it was twins.

We were honestly terrified to have children, whether we would cope (especially me as I have health issues), how we would manage. And it is incredibly hard (we've had a tough time with having two at once, one with a serious illness and a long nicu stay and issues since) - they don't sleep, their screeches could wake the dead, etc etc. But my god, they are amazing and I love the little monsters more than I ever thought possible.

Now I have them, I'm gutted I waited as long as I did. And I'm an extreme case in that we have no family nearby so we literally have no help, no breaks, no time off. If I could go back I'd have had them much sooner, while my mum was still alive. Sure, we'd have been renting and probably a bit more skint but we would have managed.

It's such a hard decision to make when you have to make it. I have no regrets though.

stevie69 · 24/01/2018 09:28

No, definitely not.

HotelEuphoria · 24/01/2018 09:30

Yes, even though we could have been absolutely stashed without them, even though they aged me about 10 years, even though I didn't sleep for 5 years.

Yes, yes, yes.

I would have preferred to give birth to them though at around 13 (them not me) if I could!

TammySwansonTwo · 24/01/2018 09:31

And I do agree that there are positives to having kids when you're a bit older (i was 34). I don't feel like I'm missing out on a social life, I've had an interesting career, we've had lots of lovely grown up holidays. I have a lovely friend who got pg with twins very early in her relationship so they didn't get to do those things but their family take the twins so they can go on city breaks and do fun things.

If you can live near family, do it. That's my only difficulty really.

Snowysky20009 · 24/01/2018 09:34

Definitly would have done it the same, even having ds1 at 19. Still went to uni, had a good career, he's about to go to uni, he has a brilliant future set out, if all goes to plan. I still smirk silently at the people who told me I was wasting my life having him so young. 2 fingers up to them, especially those where we've achieved more beteen us than they ever will do. I loved being a young mum, and he loves having a mum and dad that's young compared to his friends parents.

TheVanguardSix · 24/01/2018 09:38

Yes indeed!!! And the ones that I already have, please! That isn't to say I don't ever cry, rage, and have moments of feeling entirely overwhelmed and depressed with my role. The struggle is real! I think raising kids in rat race London sucks.

What I would absolutely change is their dad's qualities/influences, which are often negative but well-intended. I would not raise my family in the UK. Too depressing.