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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if knowing all you know now - would you still have had dc?

186 replies

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 23/01/2018 21:00

I'm basing this on the other thread wrt would you still have married or had a ltr with your dp/dh and the other thread about being happy with your lot. It's made me think and reflect.

But I'd just like to ask - knowing everything you know so far and your life so far would you still have had children knowing everything you do thus far?

I'm in a bit of a difficult position so I'd really welcome any and all opinions. Just for a chat tbh.

OP posts:
jjune11 · 24/01/2018 09:40

Yes, absolutely, I completely adore DS. That isn't to say I don't find motherhood exhausting sometimes and miss time to myself. But he is without doubt the absolute best thing in my life.

mydogisthebest · 24/01/2018 09:42

Me and DH are childfree by choice. Neither of us have ever regretted that decision. People liked to tell us we would regret it as we got older. Well we are both in our 60's now and still don't regret it.

In facts as the years have gone by we have become more and more convinced we made the right decision. Almost all of our friends that had children are divorced (several more than once) or in unhappy marriages. They almost all say the problems started when they had children. We have been married almost 40 years and are still very happy and very much in love.

I am a real worrier. I worry about my nieces and nephews - their careers, their relationships, whether they will be able to afford to buy a property etc. I also worry about the future of this country and the world in general. The world is so overcrowded and there is so much violence. Also mankind is killing of so many animals, plants etc. I would hate to have brought children into this

hellsbellsmelons · 24/01/2018 09:46

I love my DD more than life but if I could back and have the choice, would I??.... I'm really not sure I would to be honest!

Halfdrankbrew · 24/01/2018 09:49

Absolutely 100% yes. My kids are still very young and we are still in that initial difficult baby/toddler stage, it's hard at times but having my children is by far the best thing that's ever happened to me (marrying their dad was up there too!).

I'm just very glad we didn't put kids off any longer, at the time I was pregnant with my first, even though it was planned I flapped over whether we should have waited for finances to be better etc. I'm very glad we went for it, we were lucky to not have any issues, but we could have potentially taken a long time to fall pregnant.

juddyrockingcloggs · 24/01/2018 09:50

Absolutely, 100% yes. I would have had more if mine and DHs bodies were not behaving like nobheads and allowed us to actually conceive naturally. I love my son with all my heart, I count my blessings every single day.

JenniferL90 · 24/01/2018 10:18

Yes yes yes. I'd change things about my life. But my husband and daughter are the two things I wouldn't meddle with at all.

bibliomania · 24/01/2018 10:35

Yes. Dd is a joy. But for her sake, I regret the father I lumbered her with.

Also, I tremble as the teen years approach.

girlandboy · 24/01/2018 13:06

No.

Because it's looking like we may have given them a genetic form of incurable cancer.

Knittedfairies · 24/01/2018 13:11

No, because like girlandboy ....genetics.

Feezles · 24/01/2018 13:35

Yes. Yes, I would. DD is my delight, and I like her more as a person every day though I have yet to meet her as a teenager. I would love to give her a sibling, but that now almost certainly won't happen.

But - having children was not straightforward for me, for a variety of reasons. Because of that, I made my peace with not being a mum long before DD turned up.

Now, I wouldn't change what I have, but I miss the life that DH and I had before her just enough to know that if she hadn't come along, everything would have been just fine.

Cath2907 · 24/01/2018 13:37

Yes but I am VERY glad we stuck at only the one. My husband would say no despite the fact that he is a great Dad.

minmooch · 24/01/2018 13:58

I don't know is the honest truth.

I had two sons by my first ex husband. Got divorced when boys were 5 and 6. Got remarried 5 years later.

Then just before his 16th birthday my eldest son was diagnosed with a brain tumour. Second husband left as he didn't want an ill stepchild.

My son suffered horrendously for two and a half years before he died aged 18. My youngest son spent his teenage years watching his brother suffer and die from cancer. The grief and devastation has been beyond imaginable and almost unbearable at times.

Knowing that would I go back and knowingly put my sons through that? No I don't think I could. But that would leave me with not knowing my eldest son and the years of joy he bought me. But I couldn't bear to witness him go through cancer, I couldn't bear to watch him die again. I couldn't bear to watch my other son watch his brother die and the troubles he has had to adjust his own life. But then I wouldn't know my youngest son, the joy he has bought me.

I don't think I could do it again.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 24/01/2018 13:59

100%.

CaledonianQueen · 24/01/2018 14:01

Yes, I absolutely would! This is despite severe PGP/SPD throughout both pregnancies leaving me in chronic pelvic pain/ wheelchair bound, which is also partly due to a severe progressive neurological condition which has left me wheelchair bound for the last 7 years and bedbound for last two years.

My ds is autistic and dd is coeliac, I would never choose not to have them. They are my whole world and fantastic children who make me so proud daily! I would choose not to put ds in nursery or school if I could (he is flourishing now being home educated) and I would give up gluten and dairy during pregnancy and after so that dd could be breastfed and wouldn't go through the months of agony and weight loss as an infant.

I regret that my health deteriorated so badly, however, I could never consider not having my beautiful dc! I would go through 100 times worse just to have them! They are my greatest achievement and they make my life worth living! What I would change, is I would take away my health condition, so that I could be the Mother that they deserve! I would also NOT break NC with inlaws like I did when expecting my DS. That would spare us a lot of pain, upset and trauma!

herethereandeverywhere · 24/01/2018 14:11

No.

I love them but they make life such hard work and I'm not really any good at parenting. I try to enjoy them but they're not that enjoyable. I really struggle to understand the wonderful-ness of being a parent that everyone seems to talk about. I'm 8 years in so far so this isn't a new thing.

All my favourite memories since having kids have been the times I've been lucky enough to get away and have a break.

I recognise they deserve better but what should I do about it? Surely leaving them is worse? I 'fake it' all the time so they assume we're an all-singing all-dancing happy family. But inside I'm screaming FUCK THIS SHIT most of the time.

restbiterepeat · 24/01/2018 14:12

Yes. Best thing I ever did.

corythatwas · 24/01/2018 14:46

It's hard because my dd, whose health issues cause her a lot of suffering, has told me that she is not going to have children because she doesn't want to give them the problems she has. So should I have had her? The only answer she has ever given on that score is "you weren't to know?" So maybe it would be very wrong of me to say that yes, I would have had them. After all, it's not me that has to live their life.

HamishBamish · 24/01/2018 14:50

Definitely. Mine are still young though (9 and 7) so that might change when we hit the teenage years!

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 24/01/2018 15:02

I sometimes worry I regret having dc2, but I think it's just going back to having a baby. There's almost 4 years between my two and I'd got my life back. I'm finding it very, very hard to go through the baby stage again.

I honestly can't answer whether I would have had a second dc, knowing what I do now. Maybe ask me in a year!

AmberTopaz · 24/01/2018 15:43

Yes I would. But my eldest is 12 so I haven’t yet had to parent a teenager!

KateGrey · 24/01/2018 15:50

I adore them but no I wouldn’t have kids again. That said 2/3 of mine have autism and it’s been really fucking hard and still is. Its changed my whole life and I’m knackered

Ciderandskatesdontmix · 24/01/2018 15:59

Yes but if I could go back I wouldn't give up my career so easily. It wasn't going to make me a fortune (hcp) but it was a big part of my identity. I'm now trying to get back into it 5 years later, but it's going to be an up hill struggle and I deeply regret not just sucking it up for a few years. I've lost who I am because of that and it's my biggest regret, even overshadowing marrying my ex!

writingsonthewall · 24/01/2018 16:37

I don’t think so. It’s tough because they are amazing but the cost, both emotional and financial is huge.

user1483390742 · 24/01/2018 16:41

I wouldn't have had so many! We have 4 teenage boys and we are so so poor- all our money goes on their phones, trainers, pocket money, designer pants blah blah...Sad

sourpatchkid · 24/01/2018 22:18

@Exercisejunkieforlife - said with kindness but you sound depressed?

I don't know if this helps at all but I love life. I love my job, I love my friends and family, I love the community around me. I'm very pleased my parents had me. I say this to let you know that your kids may have a very different view of the world to you. They may be quite happy to live this life

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