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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if knowing all you know now - would you still have had dc?

186 replies

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 23/01/2018 21:00

I'm basing this on the other thread wrt would you still have married or had a ltr with your dp/dh and the other thread about being happy with your lot. It's made me think and reflect.

But I'd just like to ask - knowing everything you know so far and your life so far would you still have had children knowing everything you do thus far?

I'm in a bit of a difficult position so I'd really welcome any and all opinions. Just for a chat tbh.

OP posts:
famousfour · 23/01/2018 21:54

Anyfucker - why (generally - dont wish to pry!). I have primary age children and your post sounds ominous...

Yes I am glad and parenting is easier than I expected (there is so much negativity around being a parent it set the bar low for me!).

The day to day constraints that bother some people don't really bother me. However, I don't think that I had appreciated the extent to which having children means that your mental and financial energies are pretty much wholly focussed on them - it directs every aspect of your life not just at a micro but macro level. That has to come at the expense of other things. Opportunities you might have pursued in a personal or professional capacity.

I don't regret it for a minute - I always wanted a family - but I think you have to be prepared for that.

Enidthecat · 23/01/2018 21:55

I'm not sure. I absolutely love my ds and he is brilliant. It's awful when he doesnt sleep and it's hard work, but without doubt his little smile can make me happy after the worst day and I adore that.

But, undoubtedly my life would be easier and less complicated without children. If have more financial freedom probably more "nice things" more opportunity to do what i want. But then, I'll get that all back when hes grown up.

It's a difficult one.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 23/01/2018 21:57

Yes! And I would have had more, I had no idea how quickly the time would go by before I would realise (v recently) that I’d missed my chance. My DDs are amazing.

Crumbs1 · 23/01/2018 21:58

Yes a hundred times. I went over to Winchester today with the dog to see one daughter and her boyfriend as my husband is already in India. It was lovely, walked St Catherine’s Hill then a nice pub lunch. Nothing exciting but really good to spend time with them. Lovely FaceTime chats with three of the others this evening. I can’t imagine how empty my life would seem without them. I’m sure I’d fill my days but that enduring connection, the honesty of the relationships could not be attained in other ways.

Herewegoagain01 · 23/01/2018 21:58

Yes 100%, they are wonderful things! Although I am permanently tired and often stressed. My kids do make me happy.

What is holding you back OP?

Sparrowlegs248 · 23/01/2018 21:59

Yes without hesitation. I can't even regret my shitty abusive marriage as it resulted in my two beautiful children. (The marriage is over now)

gamerchick · 23/01/2018 21:59

Nope nope nope!

stopgap · 23/01/2018 22:01

Absolutely wouldn’t change a thing, except perhaps the autoimmune condition brought on by my first pregnancy.

LizzyBennett · 23/01/2018 22:03

Today, right now, no.

I knew teenagers were hard work, but this week in particular has broken my heart and my spirit. My mental health is fucked.

But, I adore them and I'm hoping that in a few years time rational, sensitive adults will emerge

NewBrian · 23/01/2018 22:03

Yes, but it took me until DS was 2 to feel this way.

Eolian · 23/01/2018 22:04

Yes definitely. I was a bit shaky for a while after dc2 was born, but I haven't found the actual parenting very hard at all tbh. Mine are now 12 and 9 and have been wonderful and very unproblematic so far and I have a great, supportive dh. Am bracing myself for the teenage years though.

NickyNora · 23/01/2018 22:04

No. My 2 ds have moderate/severe SN.
The quality if all our lives is shite.

Absolutely no!

mamaduckbone · 23/01/2018 22:04

Yes, absolutely. The only thing I may have done differently is moved to a bigger house when we still had two full time incomes, as we’re now stuck.

BertieBotts · 23/01/2018 22:05

Yes but later and with the right person.

user1471453601 · 23/01/2018 22:06

Yes, no question. It was in the v early 70s when single motherhood was not the done thing. She's my pride and joy. It was hard in my teens, twenty's and thirtys. But now, in my sixty's, I am so happy we both stuck it out. She is, without question, the best thing that ever happened to me.

Woefullyinadequate · 23/01/2018 22:06

Depends what day you ask me.
My anxiety is massively worse since having them, and can imagine that will only get worse as they get more independent.
I have found it much harder than I ever thought possible, much more stressful.
But I have a purpose in life I didn't have before. And I think of all the money and freedom I could have, but I had that before kids and didn't do a lot with it to be honest. I would definitely change that if I could!

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 23/01/2018 22:07

Oh definitely, my kids are awesome.

It’s not down to me - I don’t think I’m terribly great shakes as a parent - but my kids are going to change the world. For the better, of course.

NoKnownFather · 23/01/2018 22:08

Yes, would still marry DH, but wouldn't have DC's. Things were OK when they were young but since reaching adulthood everything has gone to and I don't know why! Sad but true.

WhooooAmI24601 · 23/01/2018 22:09

Definitely.

Mine are chalk and cheese and have very few traits in common. But they are quite simply my pride and joy. The two of them have made me a far, far better person.

Parenting is harder than I can possibly explain. It also brings a depth of love, contentment and happiness that is indescribable.

lauryloo · 23/01/2018 22:09

Yes, those goofy little bastards are the best thing I’ve got going Grin

Queenofthestress · 23/01/2018 22:10

I would say yes, its been hard, fuck it's been so damn hard battling to get DS the help he needs, but I knew from the start it would be like this. I would have had both the kids to different dad's, neither of them really give a carp, but if I'd not done it the way I did I wouldn't have met my current dp

Ratinthehat · 23/01/2018 22:10

If I knew how things would be now I would say no. I love my children but I wish I had known I would end up a skint 35 year old single mum of three living in a horrivle then I wouldn't have done it. I feek really bad for saying that.

Jaygee61 · 23/01/2018 22:11

I am struck by people saying that having children has made them better people. Were you so awful before?

Mrscaindingle · 23/01/2018 22:13

Depends entirely on how I am feeling, what is happening in my life and what is going on with them. Today they have been sweet, made dinner and got me chocolate from the shops because I am going through a hard time so I feel today like it was all worthwhile.

I most definitely have had periods where I wondered why I had ever thought it was a good idea, DS1 self harming and feeling suicdal springs to mind as does the tedium of the groundhog days spent with toddlers. I love them fiercely and would take a bullet for them but there are times when I think my child free sister had the right idea.

BillyAndTheSillies · 23/01/2018 22:13

100%. DS is my favourite person on the planet. But, I wish I'd waited a little longer. There's lots more that DH and I would have liked to have done together before he came along. On the upside we had him fairly young (27) so by the time he's grown up we will still hopefully be young and carefree enough to do some of those things.

It's been rough on our relationship, we are both quite selfish people at heart and it's taken us a long time to adjust to not only putting DS first, but each other instead of ourselves.