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Original poster

To ask if knowing all you know now - would you still have had dc?

186 replies

RedHareWithBlondeHair · 23/01/2018 21:00

I'm basing this on the other thread wrt would you still have married or had a ltr with your dp/dh and the other thread about being happy with your lot. It's made me think and reflect.

But I'd just like to ask - knowing everything you know so far and your life so far would you still have had children knowing everything you do thus far?

I'm in a bit of a difficult position so I'd really welcome any and all opinions. Just for a chat tbh.

OP posts:
JeansAndANiceTop · 23/01/2018 22:14

Yes but with a different man

Busybusybust · 23/01/2018 22:15

In a heartbeat. They’re all adults now and I absolutely adore them. It wasn’t easy bringing up 4 on my own. But we al survived it, and I count myself very lucky that they all seem to like me and want to spend time with me.

TuttiFruttiPatutti · 23/01/2018 22:16

Haha OMG totally with different man. Or without a man at all, in all honesty

This with bells on!! Grin

marillacuthbert2018 · 23/01/2018 22:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

80sMum · 23/01/2018 22:18

Yes, definitely - but I would have had them a few years later than I did.

WhooooAmI24601 · 23/01/2018 22:18

I am struck by people saying that having children has made them better people. Were you so awful before?

I don't think children making you a better person necessarily equates to having been terrible before.

My children taught me to be selfless in a way I hadn't learned to be before them. They taught me to love wholly and unconditionally. They taught me patience and calmness. They taught me to be fierce about the things I love. They taught me to value the roots we put down together, to work harder to ensure they have everything they need.

I grew up in foster care and had very little idea of what a Mother should be. They taught me that. They taught me to be the Mother they needed. So yep, I maintain that I'm a better person for having had them.

Advice79 · 23/01/2018 22:20

Definitely would do it again! And I have 3!

HouseworkIsAPain · 23/01/2018 22:21

No. I love them to bits and can’t imagine life without them now, but still a no.

Blueberryflavour · 23/01/2018 22:22

NC because this sounds really awful but if I knew then what I know now I would have stopped after my first DC, my youngest now 18 is a nightmare. He has almost destroyed my DH and I with his behaviour, other innocent people have been dragged into the mess as well and there is no end in sight.

Wanderwall · 23/01/2018 22:22

A thousand times yes

WorldWideWanderer · 23/01/2018 22:33

No, sadly I would not have the children again, knowing what I know now. I would do life completely differently, probably not marry and certainly not have the children.
Looking back I have a lot of guilt about what I brought them into, what I couldn't give them and the missed opportunities - theirs and mine.
No, I just wouldn't have them at all.....

Hygge · 23/01/2018 22:38

Yes, I would. And we had a terrible time and two losses to stillbirth and prematurity before having DS.

I love all three of my children, and wouldn't give up being their mother, even in these circumstances.

"I am struck by people saying that having children has made them better people. Were you so awful before?"

I wasn't awful before, but I was different, and I'll never be the same as I was before they died or the same as I was before DS was born. I think I like me more now, and I'm doing things I would never have done if I hadn't had my children or the experiences that they brought with them. I think I've learned more about myself, and I know some people would say I've changed and they don't like it, while others would say I've changed and they do. I don't think I've changed so much as taken a long look at myself and learned more about myself, and it shows. I wouldn't have done that if I hadn't had the babies and then DS, so I maybe wouldn't say I am a better person but I feel like a more congruent and genuine version of me now.

SimonBridges · 23/01/2018 22:41

Just to add a different voice.

I tried very hard to have DC but it wasn't to be and now it won't happen.

DH and I are happy - not just a crying behind the smiles happy or a this will do happy but a genuine happiness.
I'm sure we would have been happy had we had DC too but it is one of those things where you will never know what might have been. You will never know if you would be happier with or without and will never know the other you.

Society makes us think that children are the only possible way to happiness. Think of all the films you have seen when someone finally gets together with the person of their dreams, there is always a baby in the end.

I just want to say that you can be happy without children.

Inertia · 23/01/2018 22:41

Absolutely. I have never regretted it for a second, even when things felt tough. The bulk of the teenage years still lie ahead, so that comment might yet come back to bite me on the arse :)

I still feel pangs of regret that we stopped at 2 (after multiple mcs), even though rational thought tells me that the things we've done and enjoyed would have been much tougher with 3.

Exercisejunkieforlife · 23/01/2018 22:42

I feel terrible for saying this but No I wouldn't, we tried for 6 yrs and 6 MC for DD2 I longed for another child a sibling for DD1 and then had DS1 and I love them all so so much, more then my life.

The reason I say no is not for me but for them. I've recently come to realise that life is shit, I cannot see the point in it at all, most of your life spent working long hrs just to keep a roof over your head and food on the table and then you get old and die. I feel terribly selfish for having them and subjecting them to life. I wish a life filled with happiness for them but in reality know that is unlikely to be the case.

If I had my chance again I would choose not to have them, I cannot change that now and will do everything I can to make them as happy as I can whilst I have that power.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 23/01/2018 22:44

I wouldn't change anything. I would have liked to have been a younger parent and I was a bit nervous when we adopted our second DC as our first had quite a few issues. But if I didn't have my DC then they would still have been born and somebody else would have them, and I don't like to think of them them not being ours.

user764329056 · 23/01/2018 22:47

Can relate to that ExerciseJunkie, life is so bloody tough, you’re born, you’re disappointed, you die. I hope the future improves for our kids and grandkids but feel pessimistic about that right now

CanIBuffalo · 23/01/2018 22:48

Only if I could so it all again knowing what I know now. There's so much I'd do differently.
We're going through a rough patch as a family though. I'm sure it'll get better.

jellyshoeswithdiamonds · 23/01/2018 22:55

My lot are older (young adults). They still live at home though.

Sometimes I'm staggered that they've made it to adulthood, me and Dh could have throttled the pair of them through the teenage years but that's when the unconditional love kicks in, as much as they grate us, we love them much more.

They drive us to despair and yes, life would be easier without them in that we'd have more free cash but I thoroughly enjoyed being a mum to them.

My Dh lost his parents very young, so now he has his own family, I like that. He's a brilliant dad, very good at negotiating with them as teens, I defer to him as I find the relentless whining very draining.

cyclecamper · 23/01/2018 22:55

No. What I know now is that my husband's vasectomy has failed. Although I love my boy, (and I'm glad I did have him) he's hard work and having a small child makes things more compliacated. I always wanted a child, and I would have been tempted, but no, I would have used other means of contraception if I had known.

HouseworkIsAPain · 23/01/2018 23:01

I relate to ExerciseJunkie too.

I feel bad for the fact I have to leave my DC in this world. Who knows what will happen to them - how will they afford a house, what will my DD face when she’s older (women seem to be bottom of the pile). The world seems to be going to pot and we’re leaving DC and their DC to deal with it.

PurpleRobe · 23/01/2018 23:04

(not many people are brave enough to admit they're not happy with having kids)

There's lots of pressure for people to feel they have to do it. But if you're happy now without them and undecided about having them... then I wouldn't do it.

But if you have a strong yearning (rather than just feel it is expected of you) and you think you'll be happIER then go for it

emmyrose2000 · 23/01/2018 23:08

Yes!! Best things that ever happened to me (besides DH). My only regret is that we weren't able to have more due to fertility issues.

clumsyduck · 23/01/2018 23:09

Yes and wish I'd had another as its starting to seem like it won't happen now but I guess you never know :)

TeatimeAlready · 23/01/2018 23:22

Having kids completely changes your life. You think it's going to be the same as before, just with children, but it isn't. Your relationship shifts; you might be compatible as a couple but much less so as parents. Sleep deprivation is awful. Lack of control over your life is not easy to deal with. If you stop working it can be very boring and depressing and you're skint. You feel guilty and resentful about being bored and depressed and skint. If you carry on working you feel guilty and resentful about not being able to do anything properly, because you are always running from one unfinished thing to another, neither able to do your job with the commitment you used to give it, nor able to commit the time you want to your children. And still skint, because kids cost loads of money. If you have an only child you worry that they are missing out on siblings. If you have more than one you worry that they are missing out on your attention. It's really hard and basically shit.

For people who know with certainty that they want kids, it's still really hard, but worth it all because they have their kids.

If you have kids but you were ambivalent about the decision, it's just really hard, without the 'because I had to' factor to carry you through. Even though you love them.

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