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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not understand this bs around 'step' children?

262 replies

WitchyMama3 · 22/01/2018 10:38

^^ Just that.

I've only recently joined mumsnet to be able to post but I've been 'lurking' for the better part of a year or so and every thread I've come across where 'step' children are involved are just awful to read.

Just because a child doesn't share the same DNA does that mean they are not entitled to a shred of decency?
They haven't asked to be put in this situation so why do so many mumsnet users see fit to treat them as second class citizens?

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 22/01/2018 19:10

but i do think the adults are in charge and that happy adults = happy children

Ooh, this depends on so many different things, I wouldn't even use it as a rule of thumb. The adults being in charge is precisely what makes this such a tricky situation.. .that kids have no control or choices over how their lives, parenting and living arrangements will change. I'm absolutely not saying blended families can't be happy, but it'll be more complicated than "whatever the grown ups want".

Enidthecat · 22/01/2018 19:28

Not blending families? Too many children are just told tough luck, mum/dads sex life is important and you will be getting step parents and siblings whether you want them or not

Wow is that all a relationship is you? Sex?

Give over. Should we all stay single until out children reach 18? What if they still don't like the idea? Die alone because children are used to getting their own way?

I dont think asking children whether they want it or not is ever a good idea. They're obviously going to say no because it's new or different. If we did everything my child or step child wanted to do and nothing else, we'd only eat chocolate, nobody would bath or go to school etc.

crunchymint · 22/01/2018 19:32

God! Adults can be happy and the children can be miserable.
I am not against blending families, but phrases like that are naive in the extreme

MuseumOfCurry · 22/01/2018 19:33

Call me old fashioned but i do think the adults are in charge and that happy adults = happy children. I am not ever going to be a martyr for my child. Thats not the same as not loving or respecting them.

I don't think anyone is going to accuse you of being old-fashioned in this case.

Being 'happy' takes many forms. Personally, I think it's a bit naive to think that you're going to be happy when you're in the earlyish years of marriage and have small children, it's a bit of a shit show.

Do divorced people imagine that people who have 'successful' marriages haven't hated each other? There's no one I've hated more than my husband, there's no one I love more than my husband, but no matter what happens, divorce is not an option.

taskmaster · 22/01/2018 19:34

but i do think the adults are in charge and that happy adults = happy children

Yeah a lot of them use that awful reasoning. It's often not true though, but if you need to tell yourself that.....

MrsMaxwell · 22/01/2018 19:37

Do divorced people imagine that people who have 'successful' marriages haven't hated each other? There's no one I've hated more than my husband, there's no one I love more than my husband, but no matter what happens, divorce is not an option

No one wakes up one day and decides to get divorced. Living in an unhappy marriage is truly truly shit and for most people the hardest decision is to leave.

leiaorganashair · 22/01/2018 19:38

I agree the solution can not to blend in some cases. The reality is not always that simple. My stepchildren live too far away not to have them overnight for contact but even if they didn't, I think they need overnights with their dad or they are seeing him, not experiencing living with him. DP and I live together. There is just no way of doing it without blending and we can't be the only ones.

wisterialanes · 22/01/2018 19:54

happy adults=happy children

Well that's what every adult who is determined to blend a family and bring another baby into the mix says. They say love is blind and reading some of the threads on here about crappy behaviour from adults towards children in such families it really does ring true.

Blackteadrinker77 · 22/01/2018 20:01

@Mrsmaxwell I agree, it's been a great thread.

It's making me rethink a few things I was certain of a few hours ago.

@taskmaster Blended families can work.

leiaorganashair · 22/01/2018 20:05

It isn't always as simple as the adults deliberately going against the children. My stepchildren have repeatedly told DP they want him and their mother to get back together. It would make them happy, but it's never going to happen.

Enidthecat · 22/01/2018 20:18

but no matter what happens, divorce is not an option

What even if it makes your kids miserable?

I would have had an utterly different and definitely much worse life if my parents had stayed together. I was and am much better off in a "blended family" or just my family as I like to call them.

taskmaster · 22/01/2018 20:21

@taskmaster Blended families can work

Of course they can. But they can also not work, and "happy parents= happy children" is an inane starting point. Many people in blended family have no wish to be blended.

RedForFilth · 22/01/2018 20:25

Too many children are just told tough luck, mum/dads sex life is important and you will be getting step parents and siblings whether you want them or not. I've never ever heard of anyone telling their kids about the importance of their sex life! One of the wierdest things I've heard of, who do you have in your life that speaks to their children like that?!

Enidthecat · 22/01/2018 20:28

Manu children have no wish to go to school or do homework but they have to. I dont get along with some of my blood family but if I lived with them it would be tough tits. Don't like my in-laws much either but have to put up with them.

I wouldn't stay in a relationship that was harming my children but i would stay in one where myself and my partner were trying our hardest to keep everyone happy even if the kids wanted something else.

If you asked my dps ds 3 years ago he'd say he wanted his parents back together. Would it be good for him? Absolutely not. If you ask him now hed say he was happy with how things are (so much so he's moved in with us and his little brother. Who we waited nearly 4 years to have before anyone sticks the boot in)

taskmaster · 22/01/2018 20:30

I've never ever heard of anyone telling their kids about the importance of their sex life! One of the wierdest things I've heard of, who do you have in your life that speaks to their children like that?

you didn't understand the point at all, did you?

Smmt93 · 22/01/2018 20:31

I couldn't believe the treatment I recieved yesterday after posting my first post on mumsnet about my step child... I was asking for advice and 131 posts later I had to take it down as the hate I recieved was too much! I'm 24 years old, have no friends with children (let alone step children) and was seeking advice from people on MN.... I was told "you should not be a step mum" along with other stuff I do not wish to put on here as I don't want to start another war ITS DISGUSTING. We are trying to help raise someone else's children and anyone posting on here is looking for help and advice to make everyone's life's happier. Not to be left in tears by some woman who knows nothing about my life!
Looking for other forums just for step parents.... Maybe there will be less judgement!

RedForFilth · 22/01/2018 20:35

taskmaster I think the whole world understands your point after this thread

RedForFilth · 22/01/2018 20:39

Smmt93 I'm sorry you were treated like that, some people are just awful. What I'll never understand is that often step father's get almost hero worshipped for "stepping up" or "taking on another man's kids whilst step mothers are vilified for trying to take another woman's kids off her! But then we do still live in a very sexist society. It's the same with single dad's and single mum's.

MrsMaxwell · 22/01/2018 20:40

Smmt93

Some of us here are nice people and we understand, but step parents for some reason get a rough time here.

I had a thread deleted yday too.

taskmaster · 22/01/2018 20:43

Some of us are very nice people who prefer to think of the children and not the parents and their partners.

Smmt93 · 22/01/2018 20:44

There was some nice people who stood up for me.... But some of the comments were vile!! Picking apart every bit of what you had put down to an exclamation mark!

MrsMaxwell · 22/01/2018 20:48

taskmaster

It is possible to disagree without being disrespectful and unkind.

taskmaster · 22/01/2018 20:57

It's not unkind to tell the truth.

MrsMaxwell · 22/01/2018 21:00

Calling someone names and judging someone from a few lines on a forum is not the truth.

It’s bullying.

taskmaster · 22/01/2018 21:02

What names have I called anyone exactly?

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