AIBU to not understand this bs around 'step' children?

[WitchyMama3]

^^ Just that.

I've only recently joined mumsnet to be able to post but I've been 'lurking' for the better part of a year or so and every thread I've come across where 'step' children are involved are just awful to read.

Just because a child doesn't share the same DNA does that mean they are not entitled to a shred of decency?
They haven't asked to be put in this situation so why do so many mumsnet users see fit to treat them as second class citizens?

I was referring to the reasons people have had threads deleted - not your comments.

If you didn't mean my comments you should not have specifically mentioned them. If you meant other people were unkind, you should not have implied that you meant me.

The children absolutely shoul come first.

But there is a fine line between the children's needs coming first and the parents remaining single the rest of their lives to avoid upsetting the children. That's the part mumsnet isn't so great at balancing.

mumsnet isn't a thing so what does that even mean?

Taskmaster I was under the impression mumsnet was this website

I don’t think anyone would suggest that everyone who splits from their dps has to remain single if they have dcs.

Who says that the families have to move in together or become blended though? Just because the parents are in a relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the families have to blend. I’m sure it works great for some families, but it isn’t mandatory.

It does seem to me as if some couples don’t really think it through before they decide their dcs should become siblings, their new partner should become a stepparent etc. They just assume this is the only thing to do.

Blended families can work, but it takes a lot of compromise to make them work. My DSis and her DH have made it work very well. Despite what I said about how she felt, of course it was hard, it really has worked, and her DSS has grown into a lovely young man, with his wife and son. He loves his siblings and my DDs think he's great too, from when they had sleepovers.

It's obviously not a road that DSis or her DH would originally have chosen for themselves. Obviously my DBIL was sad when his ex left him. But it's the life that he has, and he and my DSis have done very well, and their kids are doing really well. And what more can you really hope for in life, when it really comes down to it?

DH and I have 3 children each and two exes each.

It’s really complicated

beverlybothered

I think that the point on your other thread is that you made the decision, you made the choice.

You are now expecting all these others not only to respect this choice but take an active part in accepting the responsibility for it.

This is not something that they have asked for. It is not something that they wanted. Yet you are saying "my choice, if you don't support me then there will be consequences".

The problems come because people move in with each other too quickly, without getting to know potential SDCs. Whether you like it or not, a family comes as a package, and it’s no good thinking because you’re heed over heels in love with their DF, that not being accepting and comfortable around his DCs doesn’t really matter. It does.

@Livelovebehappy exactly!

Smmt93

I saw your thread and I don't think that was about being a step parent. I think on AIBU if people give reasonable nice criticisms to an OP and an OP starts kicking off and getting rude in response then the responses deteriorate pretty quick. I thought you got really defensive from the start so of course it went south.

It’s of course incredibly easy to tell the world that you had a thread which you had to have deleted because everyone was so awful that it was horrific when the majority of posters can’t possibly form an opinion because they A, didn’t see the thread and can’t because it’s been removed and B, don’t have a clue what it was actually about and whether the nastyness actually happened.

Plus while aibu is an incredibly harsh place to go anyway, there is also form for OPs posting the most unreasonable OP to be told that yes, they are unreasonable, only to come back time and time again to tell the world how unreasonable they aren’t.

I have had so much crap aimed at me on the step parenting board, mainly from two or three posters who regularly frequent the board just to have a go at people.

Almost always, no matter the issue raised, the op gets asked if they pay maintenance and how much. Even if it's absolutely irrelevant to the issue raised.

They frequently get told that they need to do more/do less, not care/care more. It's an absolute minefield of mixed information and so many times I've seen the 'it's not your problem, it's your DH's'. Well most DH's aren't on mumsnet and their DW is only trying to get some perspective or advice.

So a woman could post that the ex has stopped contact and what could they do and immediately get a response saying 'why isn't your DH dealing with this? Doesn't he want to see his kids? I hope he's still paying maintenance!'. Completely aggressive, doesn't answer the question, just immediately goes on the attack to the dad and op.

And then we wonder why MN gets such a bad name for being full of bitches.

And then we wonder why MN gets such a bad name for being full of bitches

Now now @mycat - we’re not all bad! Don’t make me suggest you go to Nethuns !

I’ve said, on this thread and on many others; you honestly couldn’t pay me enough to be a stepparent. It sounds like the most difficult job ever. I totally agree with you - the balance stepparents are magically supposed to be able to strike between caring enough and not getting too involved. Definitely sounds like a damned if you do, damned if you don’t scenario to me! And even when you’ve got it right, someone will have a problem with it. If it isn’t the dcs, it might be the exp, or a bunch of bitches on MN !

I remember being actually really appalled at my best friend’s attitude towards her stepmother when we were teenagers. She HATED this woman. She had a younger sister and honestly, the two of them were vile to her. They were otherwise lovely girls. I think it was maybe because the stepmother was the OW who their dad left the family home for, so I definitely understand the resentment and sadness, but the venom from her SDs was just awful. I always thought, there is no relationship on the planet worth having to live with that.

Though, NRPs who don’t pay maintenance are almost always vile scumbags imo. There are obviously a few exceptions. So, I understand why people like to know this first.

MycatsaPirate

I'm sorry but I remember your posts and your situation and I disagree that people have been unfair. Probably not appropriate for this thread but just stating that people are bitches because they disagreed with you doesn't actually prove anything.

I also remember Pirate's step-parenting thread and she was given an awful time on it, most unfairly, in my opinion. It wasn't as simple as people disagreeing with her - some were purely and simply determined to pick holes in whatever she said that (she and) her dh had attempted to reconcile with his dd.
(Don't mean to derail, pirates, but how's it all going now?)

The issue is the insistence that the stepchildren should get their own way all the time because they didn't choose for their parents to split is the one that gets me. I have had completely different experiences posting about my DD and her stepmother and me and my stepchildren. of course they wouldn't choose for their parents to split, but we don't always get what we want and sometime we just have to make the best of it.

hold I didn't say that people who gave me a hard time were bitches, I just said in general, on the step parenting boards, that step parents really can't do right and are attacked every time they post. No matter what the issue.

fit Thanks and slowly. Unfortunately her uncle is now terminally ill and as the aunt and uncle were really only the two other relatives she spends much time with, it's horrible that she is going to lose someone else. Dp still talks to step dad every Friday evening but no closer to actually seeing his DD.

leia That's what annoys me the most. That step children should be placed above and beyond anyone else in the family. It creates a child who then has unrealistic views of the world. My dp's ex told him that it was unfair that he had got with me as I have two dc and that she had deliberately found a man whose dc were adults so that her DD would be the centre of attention. What we have now, 6 years on, is a teenager who sends a list of things she wants for Xmas and birthday but never calls to say thank you, never wants to see her Dad and is basically holding him to ransom. He is terrified of losing her completely and therefore just goes along with her wishes, all the time.

I can't even begin to list the demands we had over the years from his ex about not doing things with my dc when we didn't have his dd and that we should be spending money on my dc unless we were also spending the same on her. We had four dc between us and yet one was to be treated better and have more money spent on them than the other three. Basically it all came down to money. We got messages about spending money on new school uniforms for my dds and asking how we could afford that but not take dd out somewhere for the day as a special treat. It was fucking draining having to deal with that shit. And that attitude passed to DSD from her mum and it's still all about money and things.

DP's ex has that attitude. She thinks life should revolve around DSC when they are here because they didn't ask for their dad to leave. I also have a DD who is usually with us when DSC are staying, it isn't as simple as that. All four of them have divorced parents, but she expects hers to be placed above mine. His ex has objected before to my DD seeing more of DP than DSC bit hard to avoid that when he and I live together!

MycatsaPirate

Wait a second,, this is the problem. You say that putting step child's needs above everyone else has created a child with unrealistic views of the world and who has to be catered to and is holding everyone to ransom???

How on earth can you with a straight face argue that this is what happened?

Your 10/11 year old step daughter's mother stopped contact a few months after the divorce and over 3 (2?) years slowly died of cancer. Your DH refused to go to court or formalize contact during this time because "you'd have been called mean for taking a dying woman to court". Your SD was looked after for 2 years by her mother's new partner, a man with memory loss and other symptoms of a traumatic brain injury whilst her mother spent weeks at a time in the hospice. Now the mother is dead, your SD hasn't seen her father regularly for almost 3 years and you are now all reestablishing contact. She's still living with her not step dad who spent the last few years raising her who everyone's happy to continue acting as her actual father, basically.

You think this is evidence of a child who has been coddled and catered to and has unrealistic expectations? You think she's been "spoiled"? Has one adult even put her needs first even once?

Yeah, this is why stepparents get a hard time on MN. Because the blame always falls to the child. They're always ungrateful and spoiled and rude and nasty. So resentful of a child whose life has been destroyed. But yeah, MN are the nasty bitches.

Oh and Smmt93 pming me abusive messages doesn't help your case or make you look any better. Please grow up for the sake of those children.