AIBU to not understand this bs around 'step' children?

[WitchyMama3]

^^ Just that.

I've only recently joined mumsnet to be able to post but I've been 'lurking' for the better part of a year or so and every thread I've come across where 'step' children are involved are just awful to read.

Just because a child doesn't share the same DNA does that mean they are not entitled to a shred of decency?
They haven't asked to be put in this situation so why do so many mumsnet users see fit to treat them as second class citizens?

She does know that, and accepts it. That doesn't mean she doesn't find it hard sometimes. The mum wasn't around much for a few years, it changed when she came back to live in the same town again.

I haven't RTFT, but what I want to say is that some people bring it on themselves.

My kids are having a lot of trouble with their SB, and I've no idea what he's like the rest of the time, but he is horrid to them. However- I don't blame him, I entirely blame my XH and his GF. They decided to move in together a month after they first met, and did it the next month- that poor kid, how horrifically unfair for him. I also find out hard to trust the GF (who I've never been allowed to meet which makes me hugely uncomfortable) because who in their right mind moves in a man they met a month ago- when they've got a child...? What kind of mother does that make you?

However, I had a brief relationship with someone recently and I think he's an incredible step father from what I know. He's not her real dad but treats her as such and sees her all the time. I genuinely started to love her just from what he told me about her and seeing pictures and videos and had no doubt he'd be just as amazing with my kids.

We took things slowly and made plans for how to introduce the two families gently and carefully, and I'm still utterly devastated that he later split up with me for other reasons.

But the point I'm making is that while some step parents truly are incredible, others deserve the stick they get.

I have a Dsd and although I have a stronger love for my own DC (which is completely natural!), I still love her and treat her with kindness and fairness. I've known her for nearly 10 years so our bond is very strong.

Yes - my step daughters were 3 and 5 when I met them 8 years ago and my DSS was 14.

Youngest doesn’t remember me not being with her dad.

taskmaster
She shouldn't. They are his parents, she is not. If she didn't understand that from the start she shouldn't have got involved in the first place.

Therein lies the problem. Love them like your own and treat them the same but don't get too involved... it's a difficult line to tread. My DSD's parents don't care about her education. I'm the only one who checks she's done homework, reads with her etc. I've recently stepped back a bit since having my own baby as I have far less time. I feel awful but also it should never have really been my place I suppose.

What is quite nice about this thread is it is one of the few about Step Parenting that I have seen on MN where people are being civil and not ripping chunks from each other.

Youngest doesn’t remember me not being with her dad

In my experience, when step-grandchildren enter the equation, by step relationship got even better, because to that little person, you ARE 'Nan', just as the bio-nan is 'Nan'. My step-daughter and I have grown so very much closer as a result of her kids arriving.

I agree that this is a nice thread. I think the reason it's mostly not like that is because people only post when things are going wrong. It's AIBU, and posters are asking advice about things that they're finding difficult. We don't hear many positive stories about blended families.

Beverley I’m sure you do do a great job of gathering your “step-children”, but you do have to recognise that your situation, where you’ve been parenting them full time from a very young age, and your biological children were born into a household where their half-siblings were already living is radically different to one where, say, the mother of two pre-teens moves in with a father of two teens, who then visit EOW. Are the teenagers just naturally going to form a loving sibling bond with two random eleven year olds they see twice a month? Is it really that simple for two adults with their own well-developed parenting styles to decide on rules that will work in the new household? Should they suddenly change the rules for the eleven year old so it fits with what the fourteen year old is used to? Or change the fourteen year old’s rules when they’re visiting despite the fact that that will piss off the resident parent? Are you starting to realise that “they’re all our children and it’s simple if we just behave reasonably and treat them with love” is not necessarily applicable to everyone’s circumstances.

…”gathering” should of course be “fathering” but iPhone doesn’t think that’s a word.

Oh I never knew that Mrsmaxwell!

Which bit..?!

Blended families can be tricky ( im part of one) but what are the alternatives?

Stay in a shite marriage...no thanks?

Stay single...so your kids get to learn that you will be a complete martyr and put your life on hold...no thanks.

Or learn that mum and dad can fall in love with who they please and learn to rub along together like most people in the world have to. Step parents should not get involved with people with kids if they cant be kind and respectful.

Blended families can fail... as can conventional familes. 2.4 is not always for the best.

Siblings arent always loving.

Dd adores ger step sister whereas i hardly talk to my biological sister. I like the fact that they are not together all the time...they get space.

Dd adores ger step sister whereas i hardly talk to my biological sister

My DD adores her step-sister too, they're great friends and spend hours together but there's an age gap of 4 years and now that DSD is 11, I know that she's going to want to do her own thing soon. She won't want to go out and 'play' for much longer with an 7yo, I'm dreading it.

Blended families can be tricky ( im part of one) but what are the alternatives?

Not blending families? Too many children are just told tough luck, mum/dads sex life is important and you will be getting step parents and siblings whether you want them or not.

taskmaster

Is that all a relationship is to you? Sex?

Its not just about sex though is it? Its about having an emotional and supporting relationship with another adult.
Call me old fashioned but i do think the adults are in charge and that happy adults = happy children. I am not ever going to be a martyr for my child. Thats not the same as not loving or respecting them.

All issues with step siblings can happen with real siblings with the added bonus that you get space from them!

If dd splut up from her dh id hate it if she stayed single for her kids.

Staying single for herself...that's different.

No, its much more. Which is one reason why I would never have a "blended family".

Too many parents talk about blending families on here, rarely does anyone ask the children if they want to blend or how they feel about it. Adults fall in love and remarry, their choice....the kids don't get any choice, and often if they did they would choose NO.

@taskmaster

Just asked my 6 and 8 year old step kids, they are wouldnt of chosen no. Hopefully all parents are doing what is best for the child, not for them because thats what happens when you become a parent

oh really, you asked a SIX year old about what they would have liked several years ago?

They aren't doing what is best for the children, but for themselves.

@taskmaster

Yeah I did?

Blended families can be tricky ( im part of one) but what are the alternatives? Not blending families. By that I don’t mean stay single for the rest of all eternity, but it’s possible to have a partner or significant other/relationship and spend time together, even with children in the equation, but without looking to move everyone in together and create a whole big family which is centred around the wants needs and wishes of the adults.

Most who have been in relationships have probably been there. When I got together with my dp I wanted nothing more than for us to live together, and then we got engaged and naturally I wanted us to get married and be together. And my ds was and still is on board with the idea.

However, having seen the minefield that has been his dad’s family, as well as talking to others who have been in similar situations and heard the difficulties that go with that I actually think now that the fact there have been circumstances which mean we have been unable to live together have been a positive thing in some instances. It means that ds has time with just me, it means that dp and ds can maintain a decent relationship and if there have been periods when things have e.g. been tricky between us ds hasn’t been caught in the middle.

And believe me there have been times when dp has had to step up and be a step parent to ds regardless of the fact that we don’t live together, because of my illness, because of him having to look out for him in many other situations and he has absolutely come through and would still have done if we’d moved in together.

But while moving in together was and still is the ultimate aim for us, the fact we haven’t been able to hasn’t been an altogether negative thing if that makes sense.

And things become even more difficult if there are multiple children in the mix with their own likes and dislikes, and you then bring more joint children into the equation.

As much as children need to grow up realising that they don’t have to live in unhappy relationships, so they also can learn that being in a healthy, balanced relationship doesn’t have to equal two people living together and forming a happy family, that it’s possible to still be together while at the same time navigating life with all the other individuals in your life in the mix as well.