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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not understand this bs around 'step' children?

262 replies

WitchyMama3 · 22/01/2018 10:38

^^ Just that.

I've only recently joined mumsnet to be able to post but I've been 'lurking' for the better part of a year or so and every thread I've come across where 'step' children are involved are just awful to read.

Just because a child doesn't share the same DNA does that mean they are not entitled to a shred of decency?
They haven't asked to be put in this situation so why do so many mumsnet users see fit to treat them as second class citizens?

OP posts:
Bluelady · 22/01/2018 13:52

Surely that depends on the children. I do know that suffering a family break up, swiftly followed by a loved up parent with a complete stranger must be massively traumatic.

Unihorn · 22/01/2018 13:54

In the case of extended blended families, in my own case my family treat my stepdaughter as if she were my child. She gets the same amount spent on her at Christmas and birthdays as other relatives for example.

However I do agree that it's a very contentious point as she ends up having about 8 Christmases every year involving her biological parents and grandparents and her step-parents and step-grandparents. She has far more than my own children and nieces and nephews as a result, but then she does live with a lot of upheaval which I think must be awful for her at times.

I am always quite shocked at some comments towards stepmothers on MN though. I'm shocked by many comments on other threads too though.

Bluelady · 22/01/2018 13:55

How odd, Flowerpot, that I as a step parent have much more sympathy for the children involved than you do as a step child. Ironic, wouldn't you say?

Friedgreen · 22/01/2018 13:59

The role of the stepparent is different in every family. In mine I am a parent while the birth mother isn’t and never has been. But in many families that set up doesn’t work and so the stepparent becomes an aunt or uncle or friend figure. Above everything it is vital for stepparents and stepkids to have a good relationship, and is is the birth parents’ responsibility to foster this. If they don’t then it doesn’t matter what they do or don’t do, the stepparents will always be the villains.

OP you should read a thread a while ago about an idiot twenty something who humiliated the stepmum who paid for his wedding at the wedding itself -really felt for her, as it was clear from the thread that neither the stepson or his viewed her as a proper mum despite her having them round every weekend.

Lizzie48 · 22/01/2018 14:02

Yes I'm shocked at the hostility towards stepmums as well. I'm sure a good many are like my DSis, who's always done her best with all the children she's been responsible for, and loves her DSS as much as her own.

Flowerpot1234 · 22/01/2018 14:04

Bluelady Don't know if it's ironic or not. I just don't have sympathy for step kids who are rude and abusive to their step parents, that's all.

Lizzie48 · 22/01/2018 14:04

Posted too soon. It's a very thankless task too, she used to get the 'You're not my mum, you can't tell me what to do', and criticisms from his actual mum. But they worked through those, and relationships are mostly very good now.

Blackteadrinker77 · 22/01/2018 14:05

You see many many threads on MN where the teenage children are abusive, mean, acting out, it isn't just step children.

I never struggled to bond with my step son. Whilst it is different than the bond with my natural born children it is no weaker. Just different.

MistressDeeCee · 22/01/2018 14:05

Flowerpot1234 you've taken the time to break down my thread comment, and then completely and unkkindly misconstrue it. I am talking of situations I read about. & actually sympathising with the stepmum who finds herself in that situation, even if I think its silly its still rotten. & yes I do think its non-self preservation re marying into the issues I mentioned.

Aside from that - re the rest of fit Im not even thinking in the way that you are so Im minded to not even think where you got all that from Hmm

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/01/2018 14:05

Friedgreen. I missed that one Sad poor woman.

FitBitFanClub · 22/01/2018 14:49

Lizzie48, What does your nephew make of his mum loving her stepson "as much as him?"

beverlybothered · 22/01/2018 14:57

@FitBitFanClub

I know that comment wasnt to me but why would he have a problem with it?
My DC love each other equally, their step sibling is no less important to them than there bio sibling and that is because we love them equally, my bio child is no more important or loved than my step children. I actually would hope one sibling would be really upset if they noticed another sibling being treated differently or not loved as much in any family.

crunchymint · 22/01/2018 14:58

Mummy I am not arguing that couples should stay in a bad marriage or the long term impact of this.
But I remember research the NSPCC did which showed most children, even if their parents had remarried, still wanted their parents to get back together again.

MrsMaxwell · 22/01/2018 14:59

My kids know they are my favourites. I don’t love them equally with my step children.

I think it’s ok to admit that.

Blackteadrinker77 · 22/01/2018 14:59

@fitbitfanclub

I can't answer for @lizzie48 but my two daughters are fine with the fact I love their step brother as much as them. They love him very much too.

They were 4,6,8 when we blended the families and my DSS is usher at my oldest daughters wedding this June. He stays one night every week with her and her husband to be. They don't use the word step, to them they are just brother and sister.

wisterialanes · 22/01/2018 15:03

Welcome to MN OP. As a pp pointed out it can be a bit extreme sometimes. IME there are many things that fall into the category "only on MN...". If you think the demonization of step children is bad, stay away from the dog house. You will be applauded on MN to admit you are struggling with your children and feel you should put them into care, but dare to admit that you cannot cope with your dog you will be torn to shreds! On MN pets should be given priority over your dc Grin

LoverOfCake · 22/01/2018 15:03

OpenthePickles nobody has said though that the children should live by different rules, but that the children should all live by the same rules which if there have previously been different rules in the different households both parents are going to have to meet in the middle in order to agree on the same rules for all of the children.

flowerpot but how do we know that the children are abusive rather than that the step parent has brought about this attitude towards themselves?

If a poster here posted that they had got together with their partner months after the divorce, were living together within six months with their own children, that they’d since fallen pregnant and that the children of the father have been horrible to them do you honestly think that it’s all about the children in this instance?

I have always insisted that my DC should be polite regardless of their feelings towards other parties. I state that regardless of which adults they are dealing with at the time and that manners cost nothing.

But as much as one might ask why the incoming partner “simply doesn’t like his kids,” it’s not unreasonable either to ask why the kids “simply don’t like the incoming partner,” is it?

beverlybothered · 22/01/2018 15:10

@MrsMaxwell

Its one thing admitting it on a anonymous site but would you ever say it in real life?
Its sad but you can feel what you want, would you let your step children know you dont love them equally and there your least favourite?

I really stuggle to understand how taking on a step child is any different or less of a responsability than deciding to have a child of your own, at the end of the day a inncocent, vunrable child is involved and they have through no fault or choice of their own come under your care, step or bio, you choose to have that child and you owe them equal care, love and attention as far as I'm concerned.

MuseumOfCurry · 22/01/2018 15:12

'Abusive' children still deserve unconditional love. If it's impossible for a step-parent to hand it out, and I can certainly understand how it might be, then isn't it fundamentally unfair for the child to be living with this step-parent?

I have a 15 year old who is bloody hard work - it pains me to think of him living with a step-parent, because he can be so difficult to love at times but it doesn't make him unworthy of it.

MrsMaxwell · 22/01/2018 15:13

I would never make a point of telling my step kids that no but I am very close with my 3 kids, we went through a lot together, we were a family.

I don’t want my kids to think that I love my new husbands kids, who have their own Mum, equally to them, because I don’t.

MuseumOfCurry · 22/01/2018 15:16

Honestly, MrsMaxwell, I sympathise entirely with your feelings but at the same time it seems like an untenable situation - I don't know how you make it work.

MrsMaxwell · 22/01/2018 15:17

Eh?

Because I don’t love my step kids as much as my own kids it can’t work?

Utter rubbish.

beverlybothered · 22/01/2018 15:20

@MrsMaxwell

I dont know you or your family and thats your choice but it does make me sad that you cant find a way to view you all as a family and be very close with your step children also. I happen to have been through a lot more with my eldest step child than I have with my little bio children but doesnt make us more of a family or my love any greater.
How do your bio and step children feel about each other?

beverlybothered · 22/01/2018 15:22

@MrsMaxwell

I think from your comments on here and your other posts that I've seen it dosnt apear to be working smoothly between you and your stepchildren. If you love them and respect them as much as you do your bio children then you may just find they start loving you and respecting you as much as your bio children do. Then things might run a bit more smoothly, if you dont veiw yourself as a family, then you want run like a family.

MrsMaxwell · 22/01/2018 15:22

Firstly my step kids do not live here, but they are very much part of our family, Inam very close with them and they all get onbwell together.

DSD1 is 13 and she talks to me about stuff and I love her (both girls/and grown up step son) very much.

I just love my own kids more.