AIBU to not understand this bs around 'step' children?

[WitchyMama3]

^^ Just that.

I've only recently joined mumsnet to be able to post but I've been 'lurking' for the better part of a year or so and every thread I've come across where 'step' children are involved are just awful to read.

Just because a child doesn't share the same DNA does that mean they are not entitled to a shred of decency?
They haven't asked to be put in this situation so why do so many mumsnet users see fit to treat them as second class citizens?

MuseumOfCurry

'Abusive' children still deserve unconditional love. If it's impossible for a step-parent to hand it out, and I can certainly understand how it might be, then isn't it fundamentally unfair for the child to be living with this step-parent?

Bizarre. It's unfair for a step parent to have to be abused, surely? Do you think abusive partners deserve unconditional love?

I have a friend who is on the receiving end of horrid abuse at the hands of a 20 year old and an 18 year old, step kids. No, they do not deserve her unconditional love. They need to stop being vile to a woman who has done nothing wrong to them except love and care for their father.

When have I ever posted about things not “running smoothly” or my step kids not respecting me.

The problems we have are with their mother - not with the children.

@Flowerpot1234

What about loving and caring for them? Not just their father.

@MrsMaxwell

For example you posted earlier up on this thread about stuggling to dicsapline them. Carry on doing what your doing if It works for you, I just think it could be a lot easier and nicer for everyone involved if you did it differently but then my situation and my step children are probably different.

beverlybothered
What about loving and caring for them? Not just their father.

Gosh, there you go again. That's the second time you read and react against things I have not written!

Read my post: "They need to stop being vile to a woman who has done nothing wrong to them except love and care for their father."

WRONG. In their eyes the only thing she has done WRONG (perceived by them, not actually of course) is to love and care for their father. I didn't say she didn't love and care for them did I? Since you ask, she's done everything to love and care for them, all thrown back in their face. Vile behaviour.

@beverlybothered with all due respect I think you are coming across as a little sanctimonious.

You said earlier "I dont understand why a step child is any more likely to be nasty than a bio child, providing you raise them and treat them properly"... erm feeling disloyalty to mum if they also like stepmum, even if mum is positive about it? The unsettling effect of living between two homes? And that classic "You're not my mum!" Your perspective overlooks the fact that your DP is the resident parent, you live with them all the time, and the actual father is a deadbeat who's largely out of the picture. With Mumsnet consisting of mainly female posters most stepparents will be the partner of the non resident dad so you'll mainly be hearing about the problems caused by that particular dynamic, where your way of dealing with things wouldn't necessarily have the same results. For example discipline when you're living in the NRP household can be a totally different kettle of fish - DH used to receive many an angry phone call from his DC's mum berating him for not handling a situation in the same way she would've done. DC's mum only "got it" when one DC told DH over the phone that she'd hit them (100% untrue) and she finally realised that she needed to leave DH to parent as he saw fit otherwise the kids would be playing them off against each other. Without that incident though DH would probably still be putting up with the berating phone calls, many NRPs and stepparents have the additional threat of contact being withdrawn.

You seem to be under the common misapprehension that cause=effect when it comes to stepparenting, i.e "if we take our relationship at the appropriate pace and I treat my step DC well then they'll have no reason not to accept me once they've had time to get used to the idea." However that's often not the case.

When I first met my DH I got to know his kids gradually and for the first few years we all got on really well, they would ask me to sit with them, watch movies with them, read them bedtime stories blah blah. And why not? I'm a nice person, I get on well with friends, work colleagues, got on famously with my live-in landlord's young DDs etc. I might not be everyone's favourite person but I don't tend to make enemies. I put in a real effort to bond with my DSCs, and whilst there are horrible step parents (as there are actual parents, just look at the Stately Homes thread), I think many of us initially go into step parenting with the same positive attitude as both you and I have done.

Then a few years in, things suddenly changed. As far as one of my DSCs was concerned (one who'd always enjoyed my company previously) I was horrible, they wouldn't talk to me, refused to touch any of the cake I made for their birthday (which they'd had a few times before and had loved), apparently I was mean to them and their siblings (simply for things such as asking them to pick up their rubbish they'd thrown onto the floor - I never doled out consequences, that was for their dad to do). The nastiness towards me was pretty bad for a couple of years, DH supported me as best he could and also ended up being on the receiving end of that behaviour as a result. We did eventually come out the other side and that particular DSC's behaviour towards me is pretty much back to normal, although it's taken a big toll on my mental health. Throughout that awful time I had done nothing to either deserve their poor opinion of me or win back their good one - I was just being the me I'd always been. My stepchild had their own issues and I was simply an easier target to take their general frustrations out on rather than their actual parents.

You've only been with your DP for 5 years and at least one of your DSCs is still quite young, come back here when you're out the other side of their teenage years and tell us how it was. We all have challenges but success at parenting isn't necessarily because you've done everything right - how else do you explain all those parents where one kid's an angel but the other's gone off the rails?!

I don’t struggle to discipline them.

Their dad struggles to put consequences in place as we only have them EOW and school holidays and he feels “mean” sending them to bed early or saying no TV.

All I have said is that I love my own kids more than my step kids.

That’s just honest.

beverlybothered

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying you don't love your DSC the same as your own DC.

I didn't carry and birth my DSC - only my own(obv.), or feed and bathe or hold them as babies..I didn't even know them as babies.

Once I did meet them, I gave them space to take the relationship to where-ever they wanted. They have their own mother, I don't want to be their mother, I want to be a friend/aunt type person to them. I am very very fond of them, I love them but not the same as my own who I nurtured from day one, whose very existence depended on me.

@beverlybothered how old are your DSC? I ask only because I think that one fundamental thing which almost everyone loses sight of when talking about children, stepchildren, biological children etc is time, and the fact that what is now won’t necessarily be tomorrow, but it could be if people act in haste rather than just biding their time and allowing things to happen and progress.

So e.g. when my ex got together with his partner she had a child of her own. My DC had been an only child until then and because the other child was somewhat younger and he had never been a part of a sibling (step or otherwise) group until he became.a teenager he had a lot of resentment towards her. Ironically this manifested in them arguing a lot, not unlike actual siblings, but the parents took it badly because they wanted them to be like loving siblings which they weren’t.

However, I remember having a conversation with DS along the lines of that actually, they’re not going to be the ages they were then forever and as such he shouldn’t think that what is now (as in then) will be for all eternity, because they’ll both grow up, forge their own paths in life etc. A few years on and they actually get on better, unfortunately a part of that has happened because of the partner and the things that have happened between her and her child which I won’t go into here but which have also formed a part of DS’ feelings towards the partner iyswim.

Conversely however we see posts on here from people whose children (biological and step) are still tiny and who find it hard to see that those relationships also change over time. I remember when I got together with my own partner him being excited that my DS and him got on so well. Others who had been there said to him that times do change, and there will be times when he feels that things aren’t going so well, even I said that. Now DS is a teenager in full swing and although he and my DP do still get on extremely well, my DP has found the teenage attitude, the lip and the backchat difficult to deal with sometimes because he sees it as a rejection of him wen actually for the most part it’s DS being a teenager and is few and far between in amongst the times when DS is lovely, helpful, and we can have almost adult conversations.

By the same token my ex’s partner’s behaviour has meant that DS doesn’t want to go there any more at all. The response from my ex has been to call him immature, say that she just shoots her mouth off and he should just accept that (but they can’t accept how he feels?), and all the blame has fallen to my DS while we must accept that the partner (a grown woman) is just like that.

To add to that I have a life limiting illness, and my ex has told him that in the event I get ill (or worse) he won’t be able to stay there any more because of his attitude.

DS is now old enough that that kind of talk is potentially going to destroy life-long relationships with his dad, which is a shame because despite the things I have rwritten here he is perfectly capable of being a good parent, and I know for a fact that he has done the parenting when DS was staying there, has done the clearing up, the washing, the buying of clothes etc but all that has been lost in the attitude he’s taken over his partner.

It didn’t need to be a one sided discussion. She is culpable for the things she says, for screaming insults about me in public places etc, and while it might be difficult for ex it’s something he should be addressing, because right now she’s doing that in front of his teenage DC, soon it’ll be his baby DC. And one day the baby will grow into a teenager with all the attitude that entails, and the daughter will be a teenager sooner rather than later, and there are no guarantees then either.

Whats with the quoutes around "step" children, as if you think its the wrong word?
Step children are not your children.

Bit medieval isn’t it “Step”

Xposts with TempusEejit I think the thing is that small children are still quite flexible and dependent creatures but then they grow into the individuals they will become and that can be a shock even if they’re biologically yours.

And it is different having children live with you full time to having ones who only come over a couple of nights a week and every other weekend. Because they’re not a permanent part of your household then.

Incidentally, I have had conversations with my DS around the fact that many women (I can’t speak for men) find it difficult to love step children in the same way as their own children hence why some find it harder to accept them etc. You might not do so with a toddler or younger child, but teenagers aren’t stupid, they know how it is even if you don’t tell them.

The most important relationship to my step children is having access to their father and I facilitate that.

They know I love them.

They probably expect me to put my own children slightly above them in my affections.

They love their mum more than me? That’s the natural progression of things.

Beverly, in fairness, you seem to have a set up where you are acting more like an adoptive father (except easier, because your step kids will not have had the rough start many adopted kids do). This is completely different from a set up where you might see the children every other weekend, you have little input into the big (or even small) decisions re them, the kids resent you, or dislike you because of misguided loyalty to their other parent, or the many other things that can affect a step-relationship. Totally different from an adoptive relationship.

It can also be a dangerous road to go down when the biological parent talks up the relationship their children have with their new partner. I’ve seen posts on here from posters talking about how their children love their new partner, and then go on to say that they’re all so much settled and the kids don’t want to spend time with their dad because they’re all a little family etc.

That approach should equally not be encouraged, because although loving a new partner and having a decent relationship with them should absolutely be encouraged and valued, assuming the children still have an involved other parent, just because the divorced parent now detests them doesn’t mean the children will or should.

I still talk about my ex in positive terms to my DS. I absolutely acknowledge his own feelings when he and his dad fall out, but anything more would be more about my own bitterness than anything else.

I know it doesn’t work the same the other way but that just adds to resentment.

My DSis was talking to me about her DSS's attitude towards her when he was a teenager and she and her DH were having DCs together. Her difficulties with him were minor compared with what I read on threads here. But at the time she thought he was reacting against his parents separating and her coming into his dad's life (it had been just the two of them for quite some time), but now she understands that a lot of it was because he was a teenager, and there wasn't anything more to read into things than that.

As I said, she loves him as much as her own children, but is careful not to overstep the boundaries with his own mum, so she doesn't post much about him on Facebook, and of course he calls her by her first name.

As an adoptive mum, I can say that you can love a child that's not biologically your own. I can't imagine loving my 2DDs more if they were biologically mine.

Its sad but you can feel what you want, would you let your step children know you dont love them equally and there your least favourite?

Do you think that step children are idiots? Do you think that they imagine for one minute that their fathers wife loves them as much as she loves her own children? Of course they don't think that.

This thread is full of people blowing their own trumpets with how fab they are because they proclaim to love their step-children as much as their biological kids.
I'm afraid that I don't see that as anything to boast about.

Treat them all fairly and inclusively, of COURSE.

Step mothers maybe vilified but stitch has hit the nail on the head about some of the shocking threads about what some step children have to endure. I also have to add it’s rare you see a step dad complaining about his step children. For example the step dad posting that he wants all dc treated equally is actually nice to see something so positive towards step children. It’s nice to see.

That been said you cannot control extended family members or change their own feelings or opinions on how they see dc. You can blend a family unit but it doesn’t mean extended family will conform. It’s hard as parent to see and would be lovely if all dc were treated equal but it’s such a minefield no scenario is the same.

As an adoptive mum, I can say that you can love a child that's not biologically your own.

I'm sure you can (and do!). The difference is as a step parent you ultimately have to defer to the actual parent(s) - you can't just relax and parent in the way you see fit. There was an outcry on another thread very recently where the stepmum had gone along to her DSC's parents evening. Step parenting and adoption are not comparable scenarios.

Not forgetting that when the term “step-parent” was coined would have been several hundred years ago when the bio parent had died and there was a role to “step” into, whereas now that is not often the case.

I also have to add it’s rare you see a step dad complaining about his step children.

This is a predominantly female forum, you're unlikely to see many posts from mothers complaining about how awful their partner (i.e. the stepdad) is to their children because they know they'll get their arse handed to them on a plate for putting their need for a man above their kids.

In real life I know of plenty of stepdads who complain about their stepkids, either that or they don't much get involved in the first place other than contribute financially; unlike stepmums there's rarely the expectation put on stepdads to take over the school runs and mealtimes etc because they're already doing it for their own DCs. The bullshit gendered expectations placed on women in "together" families often carries over into blended families - buck against the trend and you're accused of making your DSCs feel unwelcome and unloved.

My husband complains about my kids all the time

Yes I get what you're saying, it's a very challenging role to negotiate. I was responding to the premise that of course you don't love your stepchildren as much as your bio children because you didn't give birth to them. That isn't really the issue in that case.

There's possibly some self preservation in there as well. I know that my DSis has found it very hard that she doesn't have the same place in her DSS's life as his bio parents. She was his primary carer a lot of the time. It's a thankless task.

I know that my DSis has found it very hard that she doesn't have the same place in her DSS's life as his bio parents

She shouldn't. They are his parents, she is not. If she didn't understand that from the start she shouldn't have got involved in the first place.