AIBU to not understand this bs around 'step' children?

[WitchyMama3]

^^ Just that.

I've only recently joined mumsnet to be able to post but I've been 'lurking' for the better part of a year or so and every thread I've come across where 'step' children are involved are just awful to read.

Just because a child doesn't share the same DNA does that mean they are not entitled to a shred of decency?
They haven't asked to be put in this situation so why do so many mumsnet users see fit to treat them as second class citizens?

It’s not reasonable for instance to expect all the children to conform to the rules that yours have had to conform to or the other way around, there has to be give and take on both sides

I'm sorry, I don't agree with this. My DC and DSC absolutely have to follow the same rules, as does any child who comes to my home. How would my DC feel if they were disciplined for something that the DSC weren't? Or how would my DSC feel if they weren't allowed to do something my own DC were? All the DC know that no-one is above anyone else when they have the same expectations put on them.

I think Step-parenting is harder because it’s not as instinctive as parenting your own children.

I do feel sorry for step-children a lot of the time. As for the step-parent and parent, I'm mostly aghast at how naive and unrealistic they are. Just, silly.

eg Disney Dad who adores his DCs plans everything around them, big chunks of time - but not with his wife as their stepmum in mind. As if she's just a glorified babysitter who also either provided or helped to provide the nice and homely 2nd roof his DCs can sleep under. & does the niceties when they're around eg sorts food, drinks, tidying up etc. But has no say or sway in anything much.

Stepmums who land on here complaining about the step DCs, the ex dictating their relationship, dad being a Disney, his DCs are rude etc. A litany of complaints when they must surely have noticed all this before marrying the man. Yet went ahead anyway..no doubt in that age old belief "once I'm his wife, things will change".

Then again I did read post/thread which really annoyed me. A stepmum who simply didn't like her DHs children. I wondered why he'd married a woman with no patience and understanding of children, and what that says about him as a parent.

I have known couples who seem pretty naive to the impact on children of their parent living or marrying a new partner. Couples who just expect their DC to be happy with it, and are shocked and blame the child of they are at all angry or upset. Particularly when the children are teenagers.

I have no step children but I am a step child (lucky to a man who is a better dad than my real one!!)

It's just so weird really isn't it. In the wild, young from another rival's litter would be killed or eaten but us humans, we are expected to look after someone else's young as if they are our own. It would just be so unnatural in the wild so I understand women and men who have a small amount of resentment towards their step children - it's natural instinct.

Especially if their own children are on the scene. In the wild, you would want your own offspring to succeed and not the rival's offspring and so having the step children there could hinder your own gene's survival.

God I need to stop watching the discovery channel.

Anyway. Any step parents out there.. You have my upmost respect. You don't have to take in your partner's children but you do. My stepdad doesn't need to treat me as one of his own but he does. And honestly, in my eyes that's better than a parents love because step parents don't have too. They choose too.

If youre a step parent. It's harder than normal because you have to work at that bond and that maternal love. And I think step parents don't get enough credit for being truly wonderful.

Speaking on behalf of stepchildren everywhere - thank you.

MrsMaxwell yes I totally agree - I used to say to DH that he could shrug off a lot of his son's behaviours much more easily because he had a parent's unconditional love. Whereas with me I don't forget so easily - since having our DD I really see this so much more clearly. Don't get me wrong, I have a great relationship with my stepson but I don't have the depth of feeling for him that I do for my DD. I expect both children to abide by the same rules whilst in my house, and expect age appropriate consequences if they misbehave/are rude etc etc etc. DH is much stricter with DD than with his son which I have pointed out, I think he does it as he only sees his son once every couple of weeks and wants their time to be nice. I disagree but it constantly happens and I can't be arsed to push it! In terms of grandparents and wider families, my family all accept my stepson and never exclude him but equally are not as invested in his life as they are with my DD. As someone else pointed out, stepchildren are someone else's grandchildren. Of course it all depends on the circumstances and if someone had a stepchild from a baby or if a natural parent wasn't around or involved, it would probably be very different. I do think that step parenting is a bloody hard and thankless task! And you very often don't find out this until you are well and truly in love with your partner and the stepkid only gets introduced to you well after this!

@MrsMaxwell

Why? What if you adopted? DNA shouldnt make a difference. I dont find parenting my bio children anymore 'instinctive' than parenting my step children, they're both bloody hard but nothing comes to me instinctively because my sperm was involved in their conception.

MistressDeeCee

I do feel sorry for step-children a lot of the time. As for the step-parent and parent, I'm mostly aghast at how naive and unrealistic they are. Just, silly.

Stepmums who land on here complaining about the step DCs, the ex dictating their relationship, dad being a Disney, his DCs are rude etc. A litany of complaints when they must surely have noticed all this before marrying the man.

Do you believe that a woman should end a relationship with her partner solely because his teenage children are vile, toxic people?

Do you go through life believing everyone who comes across people who treat them in a disgusting manner are naive and silly and should run away from all that is good in a situation, just because of the component that is bad, which is through no fault of their own whatsoever? So employees who are bullied, women who stay in abusive marriages etc? Or is it just step mums who you think should disrupt their whole life and jack in their partners because of the nastiness of stepkids?

Then again I did read post/thread which really annoyed me. A stepmum who simply didn't like her DHs children.

Simply? Really? I wonder why she didn't like her step kids...

I wondered why he'd married a woman with no patience and understanding of children, and what that says about him as a parent.

I wonder why you assume she had no patience or understanding of children. I wonder why want to lay the blame at the feet of the step mum and her partner, rather than the terribly behaved step kids.

Sadly, for some of you, step mums will never be able to do anything right, and vile behaving step kids will always be in the right. You'd never do it for anybody else being so mistreated as a step mum is, you'd never make up so many excuses for anyone else being so abusive as much as step kids are. It's appalling.

I didn’t adopt though did I?

The girls have a Mum.

I don't envy step mums. But teenagers can be very difficult anyway. Add in their parents divorcing and a step parent, then many are going to be angry and difficult.

LoverofCakes
I’m sorry your dcs father is a spineless arse. I don’t agree that women aren’t made to be step parents though. I am not a step mum myself. I can only go by how I feel about friends children and children I come into contact with. I care and genuinely want each and every child to do well and be loved. I don’t want to see them come to harm and I look out for my friend’s children. I don’t think I’m alone in thinking like this.

Not everyone believes their children are better and more special than every one else’s. Of course if you asked me if I could only pick one child to save out of my child and another. I would always pick mine. She is my child and the love I feel for her is far more than any other child.

I have great faith in humanity even though there are some very nasty individuals. Your ex seems to have chosen one to be his partner. I have people in my extended family, who act the way this woman does. We cannot choose our family but we can choose our friends and I choose my friends carefully and they have my mindset. One of whom is a stepmum.

crunchymint

Couples who just expect their DC to be happy with it, and are shocked and blame the child of they are at all angry or upset. Particularly when the children are teenagers.

I was a teenager when my parents divorced, and my father met another woman about a year later. My mother did too about 6 months later. Why on earth would I have been angry or upset at this at all? They both found happiness and got out of an unhappy marriage. Why on earth would I have a cell in my body that is angry or upset and then nasty to the new step parents?

@Flowerpot1234

Since when were all step children abusive?

I gave birth to my children and carried them for 9 months and breast fed them, all of those things helped to form the bond I have with them. I recognise family traits in my own children, we are bonded.

I have none of those things with my step kids. I love them for who they are but I do not have that bond with them.

It’s different - for me anyway.

Because many don't want their parents to split up. Note I said many in my comment, not all.
Many teenagers do not take it as sanguinely as you do. The only ones I know that have is where it was a totally terrible marriage and the DH made the kids totally miserable as well. They were glad when he moved out.

beverlybothered

@Flowerpot1234
Since when were all step children abusive?

Eh? Could you cut and paste my words where I said all step children were abusive?

@flowerpot

But badly behaved children can’t really be compared to workplace bullies or abusive husbands.

That said, I can imagine how bloody awful it must be, trying to stepparent children who are openly unpleasant towards you. You honestly couldn’t pay me enough to get together with a man with children, (unless they had well and truly flown the nest). It’s just such a massive gamble and I’ve seen some horrible behaviour towards stepparents from children. The thing is that the children don’t really have a choice in the matter, whereas adults can walk away if they want to.

@crunchymint

I think we need to assume that all parents who are willing to go through a divorce when there are children involved are in a 'totally terrible marriage'.

Well good for you, Flowerpot. Most children really suffer in a family break up, they deal with their grief alone because all the adults are wrapped up in their own troubles and if they're really unlucky they're used as pawns. I felt very sorry for my step children, two of whom were quite young.

@Flowerpot1234

' ... being so abusive as much as step kids are'
You didnt say 'my' step kids you seemed to imply all step kids are abusive.

@@Flowerpot1234

Sorry if thats not what you were implying but I dont understand why a step child is any more likely to be nasty than a bio child, providing you raise them and treat them properly.

No a totally terrible marriage for the parents, is not always terrible for the kids.

MrsMaxwell I totally, TOTALLY get what you're saying.

crunchy
There are different lines of thought around staying in an unhealthy marriage. I read over the last few years it’s now viewed as more detrimental for the children to stay together when you are unhappy than it is to leave. Perhaps over the longer term, were desparately unhappy parents to stay together, the marriage would become horrible for them.

Bluelady

Well good for you, Flowerpot.
Thanks. I was brought up with really good, strong values, to develop my resilience and to respect others. That had a big part to play in how I chose to treat my parents' new partners.

Most children really suffer in a family break up, they deal with their grief alone because all the adults are wrapped up in their own troubles and if they're really unlucky they're used as pawns.
That all happened to me too. It was awful despite them leaving an unhappy marriage. The thing is, the breaking up of my parents' marriage has nothing to do with new partners who come on the scene. It would be disgusting of me as a step child who is old enough to understand all the dynamics, to be as rude and nasty to my parents' new partners as so many threads describe.

These two new people in my life weren't responsible for my family disintegrating. They were two adults who deserved my respect and I would never have dreamt of being abusive or rude to them, or even grumpy and silent. I was brought up better than that.