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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not understand this bs around 'step' children?

262 replies

WitchyMama3 · 22/01/2018 10:38

^^ Just that.

I've only recently joined mumsnet to be able to post but I've been 'lurking' for the better part of a year or so and every thread I've come across where 'step' children are involved are just awful to read.

Just because a child doesn't share the same DNA does that mean they are not entitled to a shred of decency?
They haven't asked to be put in this situation so why do so many mumsnet users see fit to treat them as second class citizens?

OP posts:
MrsMaxwell · 22/01/2018 12:08

I am not posting because I am an evil cow - I am posting because I don’t know anyone else in my very bloody difficult situation.

LilyPotter · 22/01/2018 12:13

I have to say that if one of my parents had moved in a new partner with their own kids to our home when I was a child, I'd have been extremely hurt and pissed off if they had then told everyone how they loved us all exactly the same.

Shineystrawberrylover · 22/01/2018 12:19

There are a lot of posters with very vulnerable and hurtful attitudes about children and even worse attitudes towards parents (especially women) who are single. They are quite comfy in their views and happy to criticise the adults as though the children are scarred for life by "fickle" adults who cannit continue as a couple. I can only assume from the strength of feeli g that they are in quite fragile relationships and acting out.

RedDogsBeg · 22/01/2018 12:20

MrsMaxwell even though MN is touted as a forum for advice, help and support I would never use it for any of those things and I don't.

I name change and give very few, if any, personal details.

ShastaTrinity · 22/01/2018 12:20

I treat someone elses children like my own, really its not hard. What about adopted, egg donor, sperm donor, surrogate children etc?

If I was treating step kids like my own, I am guessing their mother would come screaming that I am being harsh and unreasonable and who am I to dare punishing them..

Now do you get my point?

Shineystrawberrylover · 22/01/2018 12:22

And I have a relative who has not one nice word to say about her husband's oldest son. She carries on and on about her self perceived fantastic parenting to her two. My whole family find her shallow and cold and look forward to her cheating other half (my cousin) being caught out.

MrsMaxwell · 22/01/2018 12:25

*MrsMaxwell even though MN is touted as a forum for advice, help and support I would never use it for any of those things and I don't.

I name change and give very few, if any, personal details*

Sadly I agree.

beverlybothered · 22/01/2018 12:33

@ShastaTrinity

Not really no, I dont agree with the statement ''You can't realistically expect someone to treat other children like their own, it doesn't work that way in real life!'' I do easily treat my step children like my own.
We are not big on punishments, so maybe that helps, I would however correct both my bio and step children bad behaviour fairly. I would not feel more inclined to punish my bio children, they are all my responsability, DNA or not I've put myself in their life and I have taken that responsability.

MrsMaxwell · 22/01/2018 12:35

DH and I argue a lot about “punishment” or I prefer consequences.

It’s really hard to give consequences to kids who you only have every other weekend when they are badly behaved.

Iprefercoffeetotea · 22/01/2018 12:36

My parents always struggled to accept my step children- they were kind and caring but had no real interest in them. They were someone else's grandchildren

I think this is absolutely fine. You say they were kind and caring and that's all you can ask for. I think some of the posts on the other thread were a little sanctimonious and unrealistic. For example, I wonder how many of those saying the OP's grandmother is vile would leave money to step-grandchildren in the same shares as biological grandchildren? A few I'm sure. But not the majority.

ShastaTrinity · 22/01/2018 12:36

beverlybothered
fair enough, but I think many people do tiptoe around their step-children, and do not feel they can behave the same way, even for the most innocent things: dad sleeping with his kids is natural, step-dad is being very careful to respect privacy at any age.
Step kids celebrate their birthdays and christmases with mother then with mother, the others only have one. Its fine, but it wouldn't be fair that they end up with half the presents.

If there's a bad relationship between the biological parents, such as a very jealous first wife, there's no way relationships will be equal.

beverlybothered · 22/01/2018 12:37

@MrsMaxwell

Why is it difficult? Just give them consequences when their there, obviously you cant when their not.

Blackteadrinker77 · 22/01/2018 12:37

I actually think allowing name changing causes some of the problem.

They can type vile abuse then just name change and do the same again.

Iprefercoffeetotea · 22/01/2018 12:38

And why are threads about threads not allowed? In normal conversation you go off and tangents or pick up a topic of discussion later but maybe in a slightly different context. Why is that not allowed on here?

MrsMaxwell · 22/01/2018 12:39

What consequences though? I struggle with it (my DH does really).

Blackteadrinker77 · 22/01/2018 12:39

@shastatrinity You're right there but not just the ex.

If any of the adults doesn't work together to co-parent it becomes a much harder job.

Thankfully we didn't have that problem so that is perhaps how our blended family worked so well.

beverlybothered · 22/01/2018 12:42

@ShastaTrinity

Thats the problem, deciding to become a step parent is an equally big decision and responsability as decideing to become a parent. If you decide you want to be a step parent, then you dont 'tip toe' around the child, you parent the child. I will sleep with my children (Bio and step) its just as natural, I am their (step) parent not a stranger.
I'm sure being left out and treated differently is going to have devastating effects on a step child later in life.
The bad relationship between parents is the parents and only the parents fault, in no way should this ever be used agaisnt the child.

beverlybothered · 22/01/2018 12:44

@MrsMaxwell

The same as the consequences you give your bio children.

Flowerpot1234 · 22/01/2018 12:49

I'm amazed at how much MN believe terrible behaviour by step children should be excused, just because their parents have split up. There have been so many threads where a step mum has asked for advice and MNetters have gone on about the poor kids, the shock of their parents split, unreasonable demands of the step mum etc.

Parents divorce all the time. It's hard, it's upsetting, we get it. But children have been getting over that for years, and it's got very little to do with the behaviour of some stepkids years later who behave like monsters to their parents' new partners (of either partner). Not every kid is so rude and disrespectful. just some, and they should be condemned and called to account for the terrible treatment they give new partners who clearly try so very hard to be a caring adult presence in their lives. They should not be excused which happens way too much here.

holdonasecondwaitwhatno · 22/01/2018 12:50

Agree 100% that people seem very casual about parenting when it comes to step kids.

I have little patience for the biological fathers who have no intention of parenting upon divorce and just find a warm body to come in and take over their children. They are irresponsible. BUT so are the women who agree to it. Step children are the only people here who have no choice. That's why people tend to side with these poor kids.

If you hate a child, you shouldn't marry their parent. It's not fair. Yet step parents want to do it and then also get sympathy for abusing a poor confused innocent child.

Remember, the other biological parent might die or be unfit. You might have full custody. Yet step parents complain if visitation increases 1 day over 10 years and expect their step child to never visit unexpectedly or stay overnight once they hit 18. Then they end up on mumsnet angry that a 19 year old acts like a 19 year old!

MrsMaxwell · 22/01/2018 12:52

holdonasecondwaitwhatno

I think that’s rare - I don’t recognise myself as a step parent in that post at all.

Bluelady · 22/01/2018 12:53

Family break ups are extremely traumatic for children. Anyone who doesn't understand that is a fool.

OpenthePickles · 22/01/2018 12:53

What consequences though? I struggle with it

My step-kids get exactly the same consequences as my own DC, the same rules apply to all DCs. Sometimes I look after the DSC when he's working so I can't just leave it to him, if he's not here I have to do it. There hasn't been any problems so far with it (5 years).

MrsMaxwell · 22/01/2018 12:54

Not breaking up can be more traumatic.

holdonasecondwaitwhatno · 22/01/2018 12:55

Also, just to defend extended family somewhat, there seems to be some assumption that good stepdads are good dads. Er, no. I know a number of men who love to be "heroes" to a single mum. They sweep in, grand gestures, get all that attention and gratitude for "taking on another man's child". They have no interest in their own biological kids (tell the same lie - bitch ex wife won't let me see the kids etc etc) but will flatter and spoil the kids of whomever they are with at the time. If the relationship lasts to 18, they'll be the 'dad" but if it breaks down, the second family gets the same treatment as the first. So sometimes extended families are really attached to sticking with the "biological" kid because they know that if this relationship (usually not marriage) doesn't last, they'll never see those kids again.