AIBU to not understand this bs around 'step' children?

[WitchyMama3]

^^ Just that.

I've only recently joined mumsnet to be able to post but I've been 'lurking' for the better part of a year or so and every thread I've come across where 'step' children are involved are just awful to read.

Just because a child doesn't share the same DNA does that mean they are not entitled to a shred of decency?
They haven't asked to be put in this situation so why do so many mumsnet users see fit to treat them as second class citizens?

Totally disagree in most cases.

That was to Mrs Maxwell.

Part of the problem on here is the Mumsnet artificial lingo, though, isn't it?

My family, including me, have been and are involved in a number of 2nd-marriage situations with various generations of young to older people thrown into the mix. We never in RL use the terms 'step-parent' or 'step-child'.

But on here, everyone's bandying these terms around 'for ease', but I think they just set up false pictures and expectations and lead to caricature posts and arguments.

holdonasecondwaitwhatno

I agree with you re dads. My ex is fucking useless and basically reigned all responsibility when we split up, didn’t even know which school the kids are at but will turn up to the opening of a crisp packet at his step daughter’s school.

Yet step parents complain if visitation increases 1 day over 10 years and expect their step child to never visit unexpectedly or stay overnight once they hit 18. Then they end up on mumsnet angry that a 19 year old acts like a 19 year old

You missed out the word SOME(step-parents). I can't ever imagine treating my DSC like that, ever - no matter what age. I'd be delighted if they chose to stay over-night as an adult, and I would hope they felt welcome enough to pop in any-time they wanted to.

@Bluelady

Not always, not if all adults involved decide to actually act like adults.

My parents stayed together when they never should have and it gave me a very messed up view of relationships.

There are a lot of posters with very vulnerable and hurtful attitudes about children and even worse attitudes towards parents (especially women) who are single. They are quite comfy in their views and happy to criticise the adults as though the children are scarred for life by "fickle" adults who cannit continue as a couple. I can only assume from the strength of feeli g that they are in quite fragile relationships and acting out.

Sure, when posters are out of one failed relationship and in a new one within 6 months, expecting a medal for waiting three months to move in together, and then lo and behold they 'accidentally' fall pregnant and hey presto - the 'old' kids have an entirely new family in the space of a year or 18 months.

You see it all the time on MN.

Then they end up on mumsnet angry that a 19 year old acts like a 19 year old

That was one multi-name-changing PBP iirc.

MrsMaxwell

Rare? Are you serious? It's most of the posts on the fecking step parenting board!

1. Dads who want their new partners to come in and do wife work, organizing and parenting to their children whilst they get to play around = you are arguing this is rare? You think the average dad is packing lunchboxes and washing clothes and organizing homework for their child instead of the stepmum? looooool.

1. Most of the complaints on the stepparenting board are about expectations changing. 2 visits turns to 3. Visitation turns to residency. Adult children visiting too much. Oh my god, a 17 year old is grumpy! A 20 year old is sullen! Burn them! Stuff that basically is standard for any child but for the step parent, it's not what they signed up for. They signed up for a set custody agreement and them fucking off at 18.

Well it doesn’t happen in my house.

Spot on, Museum.

@holdon

I’ve seen similar, where a colleague of mine was a single mum to her little boy till he was 8. Then she met her new husband, who swooped in as the boy’s ‘new dad’. Then he and colleague had a child together, got married and divorced quite quickly after, when the older child was 14. The stepdad then completely ignored the older child and only saw his biological child. I know the older boy then went a bit off the rails, really resented his younger sibling and had a difficult time all round.

It’s a huge gamble, blending a family. It’s probably wonderful when it pays off, but I’ve seen enough times where it hasn’t, for it to make me think I’d be quite hesitant to do it myself.

MrsMaxwell

I agree with you re dads. My ex is fucking useless and basically reigned all responsibility when we split up, didn’t even know which school the kids are at but will turn up to the opening of a crisp packet at his step daughter’s school.

Yeah, I see this a lot and it drives me crazy. Taking on your own child = basic responsibility of a decent human being but no applause. Someone else's child = lots of applause. You can see why weak men are attracted to the latter.

Completely agree MuseumOfCurry.

The problems start though when the adults don’t discuss parenting and discipline before they decide to move in together and blend all the families. If you haven’t discussed the fact that you expect each adult to parent their own children or that (to use an extreme example) you smack and your partner doesN’t, or that your children are allowed televisions in their bedrooms whereas theirs never have been, then it stands to reason that moving children in who have been parented completely differently to yours and have completely different boundaries is going to come as a shock to all concerned.

It’s not reasonable for instance to expect all the children to conform to the rules that yours have had to conform to or the other way around, there has to be give and take on both sides, and this is where things break down - even more so if you then decide to bring joint babies into the mix.

And there’s also the belief that step parents have the monopoly on finding things difficult and that someone else is always to blame. So if the children don’t get on with the SP the suggestion is always that the ex has poisoned them against her, the fact that she might have moved in so quickly, brought her own children into the mix, had more children with their father who he is with full time while they maybe see him eOW is seemingly not of consequence and the stepchildren can’t possibly find this difficult?

And then there’s the fact that if you’re getting into a relationship with someone who has children who are at a stage yours aren’t at yet then you will have unrealistic expectations. If for instance you have toddlers and your partner has teenagers, you might expect that the toddlers ask for a drink/biscuit/come and play with the family and want to spend time with them. Whereas teenagers will eat you out of house and home and aren’t really that interested in spending time as a family much less with someone else’s (your) toddlers. And this is seen as non acceptance or problematic behaviour from the SP because “mine would never dare behave like that,” but fast forward ten years and we’ll have the conversation again then eh?

My ex has no idea of the conversations I have had with my teen to try and maintain a relationship with his dad and to get on with his partner and DD so that he will also have a relationship with his dad’s other DC. But his partner detests me to the point she and ex have had screaming matches about me in public because she resents him paying me any money, her children are expected to take precedence to the point that overnight access visits have been cancelled because her child wanted a friend over and wanted it to be just them. And ex, who is entirely capable of being a decent father, takes her side every single time the upshot being that DC refuse to go there any more because of her. Yet I bet she would tell anyone who would listen that it’s all because of me.

Yes - he took on my son and when he took on her daughter he rejected my son.

Broke my heart and his. Luckily his actual dad is fantastic and has always been invited loved.

*involved

holdonasecondwaitwhatno

Oh my god, a 17 year old is grumpy! A 20 year old is sullen! Burn them! Stuff that basically is standard for any child but for the step parent, it's not what they signed up for. They signed up for a set custody agreement and them fucking off at 18.

I have read several posts where the step kids are grumpy, rude, offensive, basically totally vile to their step mum who comes to MN asking for advice. Not once did I read from these posters that they want the step kid to fuck off at 18, they simply want to be treated with respect and for the terrible behaviour to stop.

As for Stuff that basically is standard for any child but for the step parent, it's not what they signed up for. Speak for yourself. My kids are not grumpy day in day out nor rude to anybody. I'd be ashamed beyond belief if they for one second or one instance spoke to anybody the way so many step kids mentioned here on MN speak to their step parent. Absolutely NOT STANDARD FOR ANY CHILD.

The stepkids are often held to a higher account that the adults who have chosen to be in this situation. It is fine for a stepparent to be struggling with the set up but not for the kids to display behaviour or attitudes reflecting the fact that they are also struggling, and have zero control over any of it.

holdonasecondwaitwhatno

Taking on your own child = basic responsibility of a decent human being but no applause. Someone else's child = lots of applause. You can see why weak men are attracted to the latter.

Good grief, you really have some hatred there for step mothers don't you? So those fantastic women who take on other people's kids, with none of the personal investment or genetic connection that other parents have and none of the history, only get weak men attracted to them? Wow, just wow.

Df was an alcoholic, both DPs have passed away. I used to say to myself DM should really have left DF, he was useless, she'd /we'd all have been much happier without him around.

Then, in later years, I imagined what it would be like if this is what had happened, and my DM, fun and intelligent would naturally have met someone else. OMG I can't imagine anything worse or more creepy (remember I was brought up with a distant and uninvolved DF) than having a new man in our lives, let alone he and DM sleeping together. It would have freaked me out - though no doubt over time things would have worked out. But depending on your existing life, it must be a huge change for some DCs. And DPs.

Step parenting shouldnt be at all harder than parenting, (which yes is difficult) It should make no difference if the child shares your DNA, you either sign up for the responsability or you dont.
Its coparenting that seems to be the problem and that probelm is between the adults and only the adults, never should the child be brought into that, it is not their fault.

Flowerpot in fairness I don’t think that’s what she meant.

Step parenting shouldnt be at all harder than parenting, (which yes is difficult) It should make no difference if the child shares your DNA, you either sign up for the responsability or you dont.
Its coparenting that seems to be the problem and that probelm is between the adults and only the adults, never should the child be brought into that, it is not their fault.