DM wont accept my step kids

[beverlybothered]

I am a father to 5 children, 2 biological and 3 step. My family had a lot of trouble when me and my DP got together over me taking on someone else’s children, we thought they had accepted it.
After picking my dm this morning up on a few things such as not bothering about my step children’s birthdays/achievements etc, not referring to them as her grandchildren and just generally treating them so much different than my biological children, she admitted she will never love them or see them as her grandchildren and that she will never be happy that I am ‘pretending’ they are my kids when their not.

I’ve always had a turbulent relationship with my mother and there was a period when we were NC for 15 years.
AIBU to cut her off from all of her GC if she doesn’t make an effort with all of them? I know who I care about most and it’s not my DM

I think the fact that your step children have no contact with their biological father or his family and especially the fact that the younger child has no idea you are not his biological father is crucial in this case. I think your Mum should either treat them all equally or stay away in these circumstances.

YANBU OP. I have 6 nieces and nephews and one 'step' niece. However she's never been called that in her life. She's just my niece and is treated exactly the same as the other 6. The grandparents of the other 6 treat her exactly the same as all the rest.
Your DM is being very unfair favouring some children over others.

If all the children have the same mother then it is unlikely she will lose contact with them if you did split up. You are a family unit of 5. Love you cannot dictate but how you treat someone is down to you or rather her. If she can't treat them equally I can see your pov and yanbu.

I am going to PM you OP.

My DH and I have a child each of our own (with our exes) and one together.

My parents treat all 3 eactly the same, same value gifts etc, say they have 6 grandchildren (includes SS) etc. They all have the same provision in their wills etc.

My ILs do not treat them same and even go so far as to not treat our son together as well as my DH's son with his ex (my SS) let alone no acknowledgment at all for my DS who has been her SGS since he was 5. (now 25)

It used to really upset and annoy me. Now it still irks but I have accepted after 20 years that is the way it is! Every Christmas is still hard to see the disparity in gifts

They’re not her grandkids. They’re not your kids.
They are your girlfriends kids.

HTH

From your updated posts, I don’t think your DM is willing to see any point except her own. She wants you to have a relationship with someone with no DCs, well that’s not her business is it! And having been NC for 15 years, then you’d expect her to want to make sure it doesn’t happen again, not her to be telling you how to conform to her rules.
I’d explain your point again and as you say reduce contact if she can’t respect you and your family.

@allmyfriendsaredead

Come on I thought we had got past this. They are my kids, not biologically but they are my kids. Never would I introduce them as my girlfriends kids and never would they introduce me as their mums dad, thats just not how our family is set up.

@U2HasTheEdge

Thankyou for your kind message, I have replied.

@altiara

Thankyou, I let her back into my life for the sake of the children not for me but maybe I just shouldnt of given her the second chance. Reducing contact is going to happen and we will if she is bothered explain to her why she is doing so, then she can make the next move.

The vast majority of step parents I know treat their own biological children differently to their step children so to expect a family member to fully embrace them as their own is not on.

Your mum doesn't have too, they aren't her grandchildren and in the event you split from your girlfriend she would never see them again. Different if they were adopted.

I also don't think it's fair on the actual grandchildren to be treated the same as non grandchildren. Your mum is not nan to the others, they have their own family even if they don't see them.

You sound like a really genuine decent person op. I’m pretty disgusted by some of the comments on this thread. I wonder what these people would say to a couple who used a sperm donor or surrogate mother as they couldn’t conceive, would it be fair for the grandparents to treat the child this way? Would the parent just be ‘playing’ mum or dad?
How about a lesbian couple who have a baby, is the non bio mum just ‘playing’ mum?

Ah what a shame there op.

My bil met my sil and she had a 7 year old. We all went on to have kids but the family treated her with just as much kindness and care and my in laws made no difference at all.

How sad anyone would outwardly treat children differently. What a silly silly woman.

And good on you for being s fantastic dad to them all.

they have their own family even if they don’t see them

Welli I expect that’s a wonderful comfort to a child!

Bloody hell some cold types on this thread.

@SevenShades

Yes exactly, that's what worries me

@YellowMakesMeSmile

Under that logic, lets not bother adopting children lets just leave them because they already have their own family even if they dont see them. Great.

I think you need to separate the issues.

1. feelings towards them - she is not unreasonable for this

2. treating your dscs as a lower class of person and being hurtful and unkind - she is completely unreasonable and yes in your position I would be going nc.

I have a difficult relationship with my dm, however I cannot fault her acceptance of my dscs. She has, from the word gp, considered them to be her grandchildren. She has never differentiated over birthdays, Christmas, achievements etc. She has shouted from the roof tops about their school results, has their school photos in pride of place in the house alongside my dd and my dsis kids. To anyone who didn't know us you would think they were in fact her grandchildren.

Your mum doesn't need to liveth email, but she does need to accept them as part of your family and treat them as such.

If she cannot manage to do that then sorry you need to shut her off. It isn't fair to any of the children

OP, your Mum is being incredibly disrespectful to you and to the mother of her bio grandchildren in refusing to recognise or acknowledge (your extremely healthy) family set up.

I would make it clear to her that it is the interests of all the children in the family to feel bonded and ‘as one’ and you are not prepared to act as if there is division on your family.

Tell her that the younger children love their younger siblings and may in time come to reject anyone who is not kind and welcoming to their siblings.

Tell her that if she cannot respect you, and your family as it is then you find it hard to include her in it.

I am at a loss to understand how parents on a parenting site, can be as cold, uncaring and small minded as some have been in this thread. So many issues reported on this board by mothers distressed that their DP/DH treats step children less favourably, and here you are, and your love and integrity is belittled and dismissed. From the frankly heartless to the marriage obsessive. Extraordinary!

beverlybothered

Just fyi you will need the "sperm doner's" permission to adopt the children.

Some of the attitudes on this thread are really unpleasant.

It’s so sad that people get so hung up on some dna, if your two sons had children giving you a grandchild each but 1 of those sons was infertile and used donor sperm, are some people seriously saying they would love one of those grandchildren more?!
Biology means very little, it does not make a parent, create a bond, make a family. Love does.

Maybe not obliged but it takes a real twisted person not to. They’re just kids...

@BoneyBackJefferson

I've never said I'm adopting them but if that ever happens I would get it

Well you can jus see the kind nice people on this thread and the not so nice and kind.

Kids just need a loving family and they can be of full DNA, half DNA or none st all.

Some cold cold people here.

@Heartoffire @SevenShades

Exactly DNA is of no significance to me, I wont put up with my mums unfair and damaging behaviour towards my children anymore than I would put up with it from a stangers, the fact she shares my DNA means nothing. My DC call me dad because thats what I am.
Sperm donation, egg donation, adoption, I really hope people wouldnt say 'they arent your children' and your just 'playing parents'

I hate the insistence that DNA matters so much. I couldn't love my 2 adopted DDs more if they were my own. And yes, I do know it's not the same as having stepchildren. But my DSis has 1 DSS, 2 bio DCs and 1 adopted DS. She loves them all the same, and so do the rest of us. My DM is Granny to all of them.

You can't help how you feel, obviously. But treating the non bio grandchildren differently in this case is hugely disrespectful to her DS, who wants her to treat them all equally.