DM wont accept my step kids

[beverlybothered]

I am a father to 5 children, 2 biological and 3 step. My family had a lot of trouble when me and my DP got together over me taking on someone else’s children, we thought they had accepted it.
After picking my dm this morning up on a few things such as not bothering about my step children’s birthdays/achievements etc, not referring to them as her grandchildren and just generally treating them so much different than my biological children, she admitted she will never love them or see them as her grandchildren and that she will never be happy that I am ‘pretending’ they are my kids when their not.

I’ve always had a turbulent relationship with my mother and there was a period when we were NC for 15 years.
AIBU to cut her off from all of her GC if she doesn’t make an effort with all of them? I know who I care about most and it’s not my DM

Oh and my stepmother did adopt me. You may want to look into that, as atm if anything happened to your wife the biological father would get custody of them

My sister has a step daughter. Her mum has always made it clear that she doesn't want my family to be a part of her daughter's life. Unfortunately this means that my sister's biological son gets a lot from my family that the step daughter doesn't get. I'm not going to treat my nephew differently in this case. My parents won't either. It causes some angst but I'm not really sure what we are supposed to do.

I married a man who had a child. My DM, not perfect, managed to treat that child as I would have expected her to treat my own child.

We split and I met DP. I had my own child by then. DPs family, every last one of them, treated my DD as though she were DPs child. They bought her birthday and Christmas presents, they celebrated her achievements.

I do not think you are being unreasonable. It is just human decency. Even if she doesn't really feel the love, she should at least be kind and aware of the DCs feelings!

"Playing Daddy" jesus (and I use that to emphasise a famous story of playing daddy). Even my nasty and hateful mother managrs to be nicer about step children than you are.
I would seriously refuce contact for the children in this. They will be aware of the difference in gifts and more in basic civility. If she can't put the effort in to getting to know the older children why bother at all?

How old were the dc when you got together op?

The youngest was 6 months old.

I'm glad your 5 kids have you there fighting for them. When my uncle married a woman in the 70s who has two children that he later adopted there was none of this shit. They were accepted into the family with open arms.

I think your mum is the one who will lose out in the end.

I think for now reducing contact is needed, if with limited contact she starts to show respect to my step kids then contact will be allowed. If she is unwilling to change, which I think is highly likely then she is going to miss out on a relationship with all DC, her loss not theirs.

If i had stepchildren I would love them and treat them no different to my own children, but I will always have a teeny tiny bit more love for my own flesh and blood, that's just how I feel. Sorry OP, you seem to be a really genuine guy.

Your mum is wrong either way, whoever thinks she's not doing anything wrong is either a troll or a cold hearted person.

I think that sounds very fair.

See I don't think she should have to treat them all the same. I know it's an unpopular opinion but it's mine all the same. Oh and my children do have a step dad and a step granny (I also have a child that is biologically theirs) so I am somewhat qualified to have this opinion. My older children don't have a relationship with their paternal family at all either.

Oh and I'm neither cold hearted not a troll.

*nor

Birthday presents have a lot to answer for.

Your Mother is a tight bitch.

Of course, deep down, if pressed, it's natural that she loves her GC more. But honestly, how can she not feel love for the little children that you have taken under your wing, so to speak.
So if you had adopted children and not had any, would she not be able to love them fully.

You know your own Mother, you've been NC before so she obviously a toxic individual. Reducing contact would be a good plan.

@Desmondo2016

It would be detrimental to all of my DC's happiness and welfare for them not to be treated the same. She shouldnt HAVE to treat them the same, that not what I've said, what Ive said is that if she is unwilling to treat them the same then I am not going to allow her access and the ability to hurt my DC.

OP, I don't think you'd be unreasonable to reduce contact with your DM if she can't treat all your children equally. Your step children live with you and you are their father figure. They are your kids for all practical day to day purposes. My step dads DM (my Grandma) has always treated me exactly the same as her biological grandchild (my younger brother). Unfortunately it would seem people like her aren't the norm.

Can she afford to buy presents for five?

Maybe you could tell her just to get them all chocolate e.g. selection boxes?

@babyccinoo

Its not about Birthday presents, she dosnt buy her biological grandchildren birthday presents. She does however acknowledge their birthdays with a phone call and a card, which is all we want. The unfair treatment goes so much further than just brithdays.

Oh I see. Then she is BU. Especially if she has known the youngest since he was 6months.

I agree whole heatedly with your decision op.
I hope your dm comes to her senses before she loses you and all of her gc.

Wishing you and all the dc a happy life together. Keep looking out for each other.

Oh dear. I see some angry posters are spreading their love on this thread too.

My dh went nc with his dm over dgc.

She had known my dc for over a year - no problem, encouraged by her to call her dgm, (dc have no gps at all), gifts from hols, Xmas etc. Biological dgs comes along and she walks away. Now doesn't want to be a gm at all!!
Nowt as bloody queer as folk so they say!!

@rocketgirl22

Thankyou and thankyou to all other kind and helpful posters who have reassured me that I'm doing the best for my DC.

Just wanted to say you sound a great dad to all your kids.

I have no experience of step families but I know if my DS became a dad to a non biological child I would treat that child as I would any biological grandchild. Whether I would love them the same? I very much hope so, I can't imagine why not, but even if I felt differently I would never in a million years show it.

I would tell your mother she is risking her relationships with all of you by her actions if things don't change.

My Ds and Ddil have adopted 2 dc's (siblings), people's attitudes are so strange, I've had everything from "Well they're not real gch" to "When your other Dc's have their own children you will feel differently about them, because they we be your blood relatives"
I am so thrilled to at last be a grandmother, and these two will get the best/most of me and DH, because they are our first grandchildren.
Children in blended families, are going to have "difficulties" and its up to the adults around them to make their lives as comfortable as possible not to make them feel "second class" in any way.