DM wont accept my step kids

[beverlybothered]

I am a father to 5 children, 2 biological and 3 step. My family had a lot of trouble when me and my DP got together over me taking on someone else’s children, we thought they had accepted it.
After picking my dm this morning up on a few things such as not bothering about my step children’s birthdays/achievements etc, not referring to them as her grandchildren and just generally treating them so much different than my biological children, she admitted she will never love them or see them as her grandchildren and that she will never be happy that I am ‘pretending’ they are my kids when their not.

I’ve always had a turbulent relationship with my mother and there was a period when we were NC for 15 years.
AIBU to cut her off from all of her GC if she doesn’t make an effort with all of them? I know who I care about most and it’s not my DM

What about your dcs mother's parents? How do they fit in?

@Sittinonthefloor

They fit in great, they grandparent all 5 children amazingly

You sound a great dad op. Ignore the haters they are sad really.

Your ex mil views her ex-son-in-law's girlfriend's children as her own? Wow, she must be pretty amazing!

Her own gc's I mean , not her own children, that would be very weird!

@Sittinonthefloor

I think you've got something very confused here. All 5 children our Biologically my DP's children. You asked about their mothers (my DP's) parents, their not my ex PIL they are my PIL.
Theres no ex mother in law and no ex son in laws girlfriend, I dont know where you got that from.

Don’t aim too high.
We have a joined family. Two of mine, two of his and two together.
25 years ago I did not love my stepchildren and he did not love my children but we were fair with them all and made a pact with both sides of our extended family. Sent a letter listing birthday dates and ages, interests etc. We didn’t expect grandparents to refer to the step children as grandchildren or buy them a large gift on their birthdays. Mostly they sent a card and a cheque. That was enough.
Over the years they have developed an interest and an attachment to them, and I have grown to love my stepchildren.
Play the long game. Don’t needlessly make a row out of this. ( although her attitude is nasty)

Ahhhh, I didn't realise your dp was your dcs mother.

Jesus what a strange thread

@Sittinonthefloor

What did you think she was? I have said we have been in a relationship for 5 years and have two biological children together and her 3 bio children (my step children)

I’m with you OP, it’s a harmful and horrible attitude of your DM.

I live near all my DPs family and over the years it’s been heartbreaking to see my son, the only step grandchild, left out of everything. They never ask about him, don’t give him cards, just ignore him really.

Glad you are sticking up for yours, why should you collude in it? You are setting a good example to your kids saying we are all a family, and that ignoring newer additions isn’t on.

I think the huge red flag in all of this is you were NC for 15 years
You were no contact for a reason, and sadly when you get back in contact you hope things will be different, you’re in a different place for example
Try and remember why you went NC in the first place and maybe think hard about it

I don’t mean that negatively for you! I fear that you want her as a mother/grandmother which is a role that she cannot forfill for you
Sadly

There's a reason you didn't have contact with your mother for 15 years.

And that started before any these children were born, by the sounds of it, let alone the ones that are biologically yours.

Your dislike of your mother seeps through your posts. That's not a criticism, I'm not overly keen on mine

But that dislike makes me think - why are you even bothering? You don't like her, attitude to the older children or not. Go back to your reasons for being NC in the first place - they're probably still valid.

On her attitude to the kids - it is unacceptable to treat them differently outwardly.

However, in sympathetic to her not feeling the same way about them. Many many relationships break down. Now you're going to tell us that even if yours did, they're your kids so you would stay in their life... but you can't guarantee that. I don't even think it's a case of getting married - marriage doesn't guarantee no split. If I were her, I would be aware that I could lose these grandchildren, and in fact statistically had a high chance of doing so.

My XH's stepfather has been a proper grandfather to our child. But when his mum split with him, bang. My XH and my XMIL do not consider him to be related to our child at all. He only has contact now because I arrange it. Because I think that his actions for 12 years meant more than biology. But it doesn't suit them. XMIL because she no longer likes her XH (fair do, she has reason) and my XH? Well, he's a selfish arse who can't be bothered. I could very easily have left them to it (honestly, I don't like XFIL either! But he's a good grandfather). I have every sympathy if your mother doesn't see these children as related to her, or as guaranteed permanent features.

I think your attitude that you think it's disgusting that she sees them differently is completely unreasonable.

But I agree that she should make the same effort for them all.

Should you go NC because she won't? I say, don't complicate your thinking! Go NC because there will have been a good reason for it before.

"Soon the eldest will be old enough that she could be given custody of her younger siblings and again I would continue to raise them."

Soon isn't good enough. Their mum could die tomorrow. I'm being completely serious. You are being immature and risking their futures. I don't care that you think it's just a piece of paper. It's their safety and you should take it seriously.

I'm with you about your mum. You were a bit foolish to think she'd have changed, but I'm not criticising you for that, it's normal that we give our parents second chances they don't deserve. I hear this all the time that people think their parents will be different as grandparents, but they so rarely are.

But I am absolutely not with you on your childish "just a piece of paper" nonsense. No-one cares how you feel about it, we're talking about the law. Of course you and your partner don't feel like you need it right now, if you need right now it she'll be dead. She's literally never going to feel the need for it right now. You're both supposed to be looking ahead. Of course she probably won't die before they're adults. But you are being irresponsible to bet on it. Your mum being horrible is extremely minor problem in comparison. Yes, it would probably work out in their/your favour eventually through the courts, but they deserve something more concrete.

I have to admit to not taking notes when playing on mn, I'm afraid, and probably like many on here I'm a weird mixture between over-invested and not caring at all. Some threads are deeply moving and stay with you for years, others not so much - more like an interactive magazine.

If that relationship finished it is highly unlikely that anyone but op would consider that these three children were anything to do with him

Well yes the op will, the children will, their mother likely will.

Should anything happen to the children’s mother why would the law put the children in care over leaving them with the parent who raised them?? Seems unlikely

Amazing how threads get side ways isn't it, and I'm really saddened by some of the comments on here.

Bottom line is that blended families are damn hard work. You cannot control other people's attitudes, however hurtful, and you cannot control their stupidity. From experience, the only thing you can do is agree with your partner that you will not let those attitudes and stupidity come between what you have as a couple, and what you have built as a family. Do what feels right for you as a couple and as a family.

You are trying to do the right thing by all 5 children. You are trying to ensure they are treated equally. You are trying to give them a loving, supportive and stable home environment. You sir, deserve a medal and I for one salute you.

Blendingrock
Spot on. You have to be realistic and work hard, step children ( even young ones, mine were 8 and 6) come with different expectations of family life than you have. With us there was lots of discussion round the table at which rules from which family were the best ones to adopt I doubt the younger ones had a clue what was going on but once it was decided they knew what to expect. With good will it comes right.
Children, even if they are aware you don’t love them with the same fervour that you do your own, sense that you are looking out for them. Over time the bonds get deeper and that goes for extended family as well.

Im confused why people keep suggesting the ops mum might be afraid of losing the children or that adoption may change things.

Dont get ne wrong adopting gives op the legality but if will do sweet fa in terms of his mum since she was shitty enough to tell him not to marry his wife or adopt the kids.

Op she doesnt like your wife or her kids by extension. She tolerates your bio kids either through a fission of love or because of the previous nc or just to keep being the same person you went nc with.

You know theres a reason you went nc and shes giving you reason to remember that.

You are not the step kids' father.They have their own father even though he rarely sees them. You have chosen to take them on and treat them as your own. but I think it's unreasonable that you expect orger pwople who havr had no choice to feel the same way you do.GPS are a small.part of the kids lives.From the sound of it they ate not small children and old enough to understand that your DM is no biological relation.In all families there are differences - children have different talents and different friends which afford them different opportunities. Stop trying to chase some fairytale utopia.
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Good lord, what am I reading?! Mumsnet has changed so much and seems to awash with very unpleasant posters

Sorry had to skip to the end to second this emotion. I know very ordinary people who are much more decent that the OP's DM and seemingly most of the posters here. My brother's step-son was always another grandson to my mum and my nephew's step-children are adored by everyone.

Phew. That was enlightening 5plus. Could you perhaps say that last sentence again in English.

The bottom line is they are your kids, but as you haven’t adopted them, your extended family is not obliged to treat them comparably to their own grandkids. Similarly I bet your DP’s ex’s parents don’t treat all 5 kids similarly either.

After you adopt them, however, it’s a different story.

I cannot get my head round the thinking of some people that means a man who shows no interest in these children, and saw them for 3 hours last year, and his family who show no interest in the children are more valuable than this man who is actually doing the parenting.

Who is there to watch school plays? Who is helping them make sense of the world around them? Who picks them up when they fall? Who comforts them when they cry? Who feeds and clothes them? Who makes sure their needs are met? Who helps with homework and attends parents evening..?

It is the relationship, the commitment and the feelings that matter.

Yes it's true that, legally, this man is not the father, but he is their dad in every sense of the word.

My son has had a 'step' dad for 17.5 yrs. He's 19 now. He has never met his 'father'. His father wouldn't know him if he passed him in the street. His dad, on the other hand, is by no means perfect but he is the one who brought him up; the one he 'takes after'. His father and his family have never had anything to do with him.

Would people still argue that my exh is not my son's dad? Would they still say that he 'has his own family even of he never sees them'? Because my exmil certainly doesn't feel like that. My son is her grandchild and was always treated as such.

Beverly Have you looked into applying for a PR order if adoption isn't something you feel you need to pursue at this stage?.