DM wont accept my step kids

[beverlybothered]

I am a father to 5 children, 2 biological and 3 step. My family had a lot of trouble when me and my DP got together over me taking on someone else’s children, we thought they had accepted it.
After picking my dm this morning up on a few things such as not bothering about my step children’s birthdays/achievements etc, not referring to them as her grandchildren and just generally treating them so much different than my biological children, she admitted she will never love them or see them as her grandchildren and that she will never be happy that I am ‘pretending’ they are my kids when their not.

I’ve always had a turbulent relationship with my mother and there was a period when we were NC for 15 years.
AIBU to cut her off from all of her GC if she doesn’t make an effort with all of them? I know who I care about most and it’s not my DM

'Playing daddy' what an awful thing to say to someone who has stepped up and is lovingly parenting children. You should be ashamed of yourself patronsaintoftruth

Your DM is not obliged to love all the children the same but she is obliged to treat them the same and try her hardest to hide her preferential feelings from everyone. She is toxic and I imagine all the children are aware of it.

YABU to think that if your dm can’t accept someone else’s children, she shouldn’t have any contact with her real actual dgc.

Who will benefit from that? Will you feel like a ‘real dad?’

I think YANBU, if she can't be kind to all of the children, I wouldn't want her to have contact with any of them. She doesn't have to love them, she doesn't even have to think of them as yours, but they are children who live with you and she should be nice to them.

You can ask her to treat them the same but you can’t ask her to love them the same.

Quite. I don't know how an adult could treat children, who have had no say in the matter and are not at any fault, differently.

And I'm amazed that other adults would support this.

Some pretty disgusting views on here.

No shes not obliged to see them as her own.

But its a narrow minded and pretty cold hearted person who would discriminate between the children her son is raising.

OP good on you. I was raised by a man in similar circumstances to you. He wasnt allowed to adopt us but he is my dad and I love him very much. I wouldnt feel bad about denying her access.

Good lord, what am I reading?! Mumsnet has changed so much and seems to awash with very unpleasant posters.

I feel happy for your stepchildren that they have such a devoted stepdad.

Very sad that their grandmother won't accept them.

Do what you feel is right, even if it means cutting your mean mother out. What a misery she is.

If anyone said I was "playing daddy" to my DSS who I've put in time and effort to raise, keep safe, and fought for in the family court they'd get a fucking right mouthful at the very least.

Shitty comment indeed.

@strangershoesagain

I think all the children would benefit, my step children in paticular.

You can't make other people feel anything. You can't change other people's behaviour.

All you can do is decide whether you can live with the type of feelings she has for your step dc and if you can, what behaviour you find acceptable. Set your boundaries and make them clear to her.

In my own life I have cut all contact with my parents because I came to the realisation that I could not live with the fact they did not love me or my children or care for me as parents should. I could not make them love me but I could choose to cut off from them and make a better life for myself.

You're BU.

I know these kids mean the world to you and you've worked hard for the fairytale blended family, and I think the reason your mum's response hurts so much is that it's a reminder that they're not your kids no matter how much you want them to be. It's your decision to go full throttle into being a parent to them but you simply can't insist or expect anyone else to do the same. You have to bear in mind depending on her age it might be a cultural thing too, to some generations it's still a weird concept that you'd take on someone else's kids and invest your resources into them, blended families may be seen as lesser than the nuclear family etc.

Don't the kids have grandparents on their parents side btw?

As long as she's not harming them directly or being mean to them I'd stop trying to force it and accept you can't make another adult act in any way. As a child I never thought twice about my half brother's grandma treating him to days out and gifts and not me: she was HIS grandma not mine! It wasn't a rejection, it's just normal, just as I wouldn't expect my dad to play close grandfather to kids he's unrelated to if I met someone with kids. It'd be nice, sure. But it's not mandatory.

If you want to cut your nose off to spite your face and damage your kids relationship with your actual grandma that's your choice but it's a selfish one.

How does she treat your children when she is face to face with them? How often do you see her?

From what I understand you have been with your DP for 5 years and have been an active part of your step children's lives since then, more so than their biological father. If I was your mother, I'd be damn proud of you and would be making as much of an effort with your step children as your biological children, and your DP too. Even if I thought I could never love your step kids as much as your biological kids, I'd keep my thoughts to myself and treat them all the same in terms of birthdays, recognising achievements, attention when I see them etc.

If I were you, I'd just start reducing contact. The fact you were NC for so long before says a lot to me. If she asks you why you're reducing contact say you're having a hard time with the fact she is treating the children so differently, and it's deeply upsetting to you. Don't talk about you needing her to love them all the same, just treating them all the same.

There could be an element of self preservation there too. I've felt the pain of bonding deeply with kids I've lost from my life. If you split up your kids will always be her grandkids, but your partner's kids will or can disappear from her life. Maybe she doesn't want to go through that pain. It is absolutely life changingly brutally agonising.

You can still be the Patron Saint of truth without being rude and sharp.

No your mum doesn't have to accept them.
However she's doing herself no favors if she doesn't. Reading your post i know who you'd choose. Therefore she could find her self to be a very lonely old lady.

Do you think if you adopted these step children, your mother would see them as yours then?

God, some really nasty responses on here, not obliged, playing daddy. I guess from people who behave like your mother.

I agree op, if she can't visibly treat them equally she needs to be cut loose until she is able to behave like a decent human being in front of the kids.

I don’t think you should allow your stepchildren to be treated as second class citizens. Do they see their biological paternal grandparents or other family members? Does their biological father or his family give them gifts? If they do, this, I imagine will compensate to a certain extent.

If these were both your biological kids and she were ignoring one and treating the other well, you’d cut her off it in a heartbeat. In your heart of hearts, this is the same for you and others should have a great deal of respect for that. You sound like a compassionate and loving person. You can’t expect her to treat all the children exactly the same. And to a certain extent, I expect you could perhaps put up with it if she showed them basic care and a degree of affection. But this certainly isn’t the case. She’s almost pretending they don’t exist and treating them with disdain.

My friend is in a blended family. Her parents are totally loving and accepting of the children as his are with hers. And this is how it should be.

Wow some of these comments are just horrible - what has MN become?

I would think after 5 years she should not be treating the children differently. If she cannot manage to be fair and an adult in these childrens' lives then I would cut off contact

I think YABU to expect her to think of them as her grandchildren. I think as long as she is kind to them and doesn't treat them massively unfairly then that's ok.

Do they have grandparents on the bio Dads side?

I think if you adopted them it would be different.

Also how do they see her? If you don't like her much perhaps they pick up on it.

They are their sons partners kids not their grandchildren. You love them because they are your partners kids but I think it's not unreasonable for them not to.

If they see their F a few times a year but don't see him as their father, how do they see him? That's meeting every few months.

Your mother should be kind to all the children and attempt to bond with them.

We are in a similar situation and I have ask that all GP treat all children equally in terms of presents and, because they are good people, they are genuinely interested in all the children. They clearly love their GC more and I would not delve into that area.

God, some really nasty responses on here, not obliged, playing daddy. I guess from people who behave like your mother.

Nah, just people who are jealous of the relationship their children have with their own step parents and so are projecting massively.

There's some really horrible people on here.

My mum accepted my stepchildren as her own grandchildren, even though she didn't see them much. She treated them the same as my own kids.

My ex-MIL also treated ex-BIL's stepchildren as her own grandchildren too.

I have no idea if they felt the same way towards them as they did their own biological grandchildren because it never came up (why should it?) but they were always kind, inclusive and treated all of them the same.

YANBU. Even after NC for a very long time she continues to behave in a manner that is hurtful to you when I would have thought she would welcome being back in your life and part of your big happy family. She sounds extremely unpleasant- yes she can't help the way she feels but she can help the way she acts (although I would be a bit suspicious about how much even her 'bio' family mean to her given her willingness to dismiss her own child's feelings).

Also the comments of "you cant expect them to love them like her own flesh and blood" - why? Whats the difference? Theyre children who will grow up with their parents values. What difference does it make that one will have great aunt jocelyn's roman nose and the other not?

wow - i think reading this post first thing this morning was a bad idea - some of you are absolutely awful - these are children that we are talking about, not a pair of old shoes. Have a word with yourselves.

OP - it is quite heartless how your mother is behaving but, as you know, you cannot force her to love your stepkids. I would reduce contact and see if she changes and if not, then you and your partner need to decide if NC is needed. Seeing as how youve gone NC before, this tells me that there are already underlying issues. Good luck.

My step kids have grandparents on their mothers side but not their fathers.