DM wont accept my step kids

[beverlybothered]

I am a father to 5 children, 2 biological and 3 step. My family had a lot of trouble when me and my DP got together over me taking on someone else’s children, we thought they had accepted it.
After picking my dm this morning up on a few things such as not bothering about my step children’s birthdays/achievements etc, not referring to them as her grandchildren and just generally treating them so much different than my biological children, she admitted she will never love them or see them as her grandchildren and that she will never be happy that I am ‘pretending’ they are my kids when their not.

I’ve always had a turbulent relationship with my mother and there was a period when we were NC for 15 years.
AIBU to cut her off from all of her GC if she doesn’t make an effort with all of them? I know who I care about most and it’s not my DM

OP YANBU and I am shocked by some of the nasty comments on this thread. The remark about "playing Daddy" says much more about the person who posted it than it does about you. The children need to be treated equally on a day to day basis. You are committed to their emotional wellbeing and that speaks highly of you.

I really admire your attitude. One of the many reasons I love my in-laws so much is the fact they treat my DCs from my first marriage exactly as they treat their "real" grandchildren (from my second marriage). They almost certainly don't love them as much, and that's probably inevitable, but they show just as much interest and are equally generous. I'm so grateful to them for that.

I think you need to be more honest about the reality of the relationships in your family.

Do your step children not have GPs of their own that they do have a much warmer relationship with?

How old are they?

I think you may be extrapolating onto your DM what You would do in her place. But this is not reasonable really.

You have been honest with the children about you. You need to be honest with them about her too. She is your mother. She is polite ( at least I hope so?!) but she is not a warm fairy tale granny. That is ok iyam. Life is like that. We have v different relationships with each other.

Unless she is actively vindictive, I think you should scale back your expectations and manage theirs. Tell your children ( in a fair way) the kind of person she is and leave it at that.

If the situation gets worse you can always reassess.

OP much as you appear to love all the children, I'd be very wary that, should you and your partner split up or she died, you would have no relationship within the law with her biological children.
DNA may be of no significance to you but please be aware that once these children reach puberty where they came from can become much more important. To deny the importance to these children that they have a biological father ( no matter how much of a waster he is) will do you no favours. I'm getting the feeling that all these children are still quite young. Strange stuff happens in teenage years! And I imagine a full house of hormonal teens may be a bit of a shock.
Your Mother sounds settled in to the way she thinks and behaves and I'd think it will be highly unlikely she can now change. I guess you will have to do what is in all the children best interests, including your biological children.
For me I love my GS immensely. My DD is alone with him. I would hope so much that the mother of any future partner would treat him with as much love as I do but tbh I wouldn't hold my breath. However I'd be insisting on fairness and kindness at all times. The relationship with your mother sounds as fractured as it could be and maybe her behaviour is giving you a sort of get out?

@namechange2222

Both mother and bio father see me as the father, both want me to raise the children. The children are not denied a relationship with their father because of me, he dosnt want a relationship with them. The eldest is a teenager, it changed nothing, shes still my daughter.

Some posters here are unreal! Thinking their own shite genes are the absolute pinnacle and they could only love someone that they crapped out of their own vagina. Pathetic. Let’s hope they don’t feel the urge to type their worthless opinions on the adoption boards, eh?

The full saying is the blood of the covenent is thicker than the water of the womb I.e. the relationships we choose for ourselves are more dear than those forced on us by accident of birth.

OP, marry your girlfriend and become a proper family by law. Cut that piece of shit woman out of life again, for good, why did you recommence contact in the first place?!

With the greatest of respects, adopt these children then. Give them security for if the worst happened to their mother

"Thinking their own shite genes are the absolute pinnacle and they could only love someone that they crapped out of their own vagina"

You see a Woman giving Birth as "crapping" a baby out?

@namechange2222

If something happened to their mother, their father would get custody which he dosnt want (he wants me to raise his children, he wants 0 responsability) and tbh its very likely nobody would be putting children in his care, then I would adopt them if need.

Are your parents elderly? I ask because mine were and when I had a partner who as divorced and had two children who lived with him,my mum said 'Well remember they aren't yours and never will be.' She said unless we were married they would not legally be step-children and if we married they would still not be my children.
I was irritated at the time by her stubborness but she was just old-fashioned. As it happened the relationship ended after 3 years and my relationship with them did not last. She wasn't being awful, she just grew up in a world where people got married and unless they wer3 widowed stayed married. That's why I am askng if your parents ar3 elderly.

@Birdsgottafly

Maybe not the best choice of word but that obviously wasnt the point of their post.

@Evenbetter

Completely agrree. Bio mum, dad etc by itself means nothing its how the person treats you. I know I have a much more deep and meaningful relationshop with my DC than their bio father does and thats because I put in the time and love towards them not, all he has done is have sex with their mum, that means nothing to them.

I don’t really care that much, Birds, 10,000 humans (net) born every hour, whichever way you want to word it to make it sound super special, cool.

@LuluJakey1

My mum is 68. But personally I dont accept being elderly or oldfashioned as a valid exuse for hurting my children

Sorry to bang on but this isn’t making sense to me. You call these children your own. You say you love them equally. So why not apply to adopt tomorrow? Why only consider it if something was to happen to their mother? I’m not suggesting marriage because clearly if you’d both wanted to you would have done by now.
In social work jargon ‘claiming’ children used to be a popular term. So why don’t you ‘claim’ the three oldest children as your own?

He doesn’t need to adopt to ‘claim’ them. He regards them as his children so they ARE his children. That’s enough.

@namechange2222

Its not something we see as needed. I can udnerstand why you would think it is but I know my situation and right now its not what we need to do.

Some replied are harsh.

I have been with OP 4 yrs and have 4 children. My children have been welcomed into his family. We celebrate birthdays and Christmas and they take my kids out as treats. It saddens me to think anything else. No one has to do this but in their eyes if their son/brother has chosen us to be his family then blood matters not to them.

They are NOT his children within law. Many men take on a parenting role for a period of time with a partner and her children. If that relationship finished it is highly unlikely that anyone but op would consider that these three children were anything to do with him. ( I am not doubting for a minute that he loves the children and they love him) When I used the word 'claim' I actually meant as in put your money where your mouth is

My last comment was to seven shades btw. Op I hear you and wish you all the best

I'm gobsmacked by the attitude of people in these replies.
OP, you sound like a fantastic, committed father of 5. You clearly love all of your children and they are all of your children.
My second husband is the stepfather to my eldest DCs and he is the same as you and always has been. He loves them as much as his 'own' child. Now they are adults they are as close as possible.
My in-laws refer to the 'step-children' without the 'step'. They get cards addressed to 'grandson' and always have done.

Step children, adopted children - apart from a legal piece of paper would any of the posters on this thread, who claim DM is right, expect grandparents to treat them any differently?

At Christmas, would you condone a DGM to give so generously to her biological grandchildren and not her step children or adopted children?

Comments that use the excuse of: they're not DM's biological grandchildren is quite sickening. Adopted children aren't biologically related so would they be treated in the same respect as step children.

For me, if my DP couldn't accept the stepchildren, EVEN when they live full time in the family home, no/little contact with their biological father, means they won't accept a family; they refuse to acknowledge a family unit. That to me is a no brainer; no respect, no acceptance, no rights to see the grandchildren. It's 'all or none' IMO.

Agree with namechange2222

If anything happens to the SC's mother, there is no formal connection with OP

As I understand it, children would be placed initially with their biological father, and placemnt in their (biological) extended family would then be considered.

OP I know that you have so far not felt adoption to be necessary, but it woukd be worth considering for these reasons

@bluegreygreen

I appreciate your concern bur we have considered and we havnt completely rejected it, its just not something we are doing right now.
We have spoke to their bio father and he would want me to continue raising the children as I am now, however considering their fathers lifestyle/living conditions etc and his insistance he does not want to be a father, its likely they would be give to DP's parents who we have spoken to and would also want me to continue caring for the children. Soon the eldest will be old enough that she could be given custody of her younger siblings and again I would continue to raise them.

@bangingmyheadoffabrickwall

It is weird but many people seem to hold so much significance to that piece of paper, then again its the same with marriage many people cant see you as a commited couple unless you have that piece of paper.
I dont see choosing to become a step parent as any less of a responsability than choosing to become a bio parent or adoptive parent, either way your taking on a child and your going to be a parent, it dosnt matter how much dna you share with the child.
All or none is exactly right, she cant choose to only love 2/5 of my children.

I think yabu - they aren't her GC. I don't understand why you haven't bought all the children up knowing who their own grandparents are. I also think you are asking a lot from your own gc to give up a relationship with their grandmother for the sake of your partners childrem - who are legally entirely unrelated to them. As long as she is pleasant to your sc I don't see why your mother shouldn't treat her gc differently. Your sc has their own grandmother after all. They've got different grannies, why make a big deal out of it?