DM wont accept my step kids

[beverlybothered]

I am a father to 5 children, 2 biological and 3 step. My family had a lot of trouble when me and my DP got together over me taking on someone else’s children, we thought they had accepted it.
After picking my dm this morning up on a few things such as not bothering about my step children’s birthdays/achievements etc, not referring to them as her grandchildren and just generally treating them so much different than my biological children, she admitted she will never love them or see them as her grandchildren and that she will never be happy that I am ‘pretending’ they are my kids when their not.

I’ve always had a turbulent relationship with my mother and there was a period when we were NC for 15 years.
AIBU to cut her off from all of her GC if she doesn’t make an effort with all of them? I know who I care about most and it’s not my DM

She isn't 'choosing' to love 2/5 of your children! 1) you can't choose who you love. 2) she loves 2/2 of her grandchildren and not her son's girlfriend's children. She's not with you all the time so she's not going to get a chance for love to grow for them.

Wow! I am so glad that not only my wonderful step - dad, but his parents too, had more love for my sibling and me in their little fingers, than some posters on here do in their entire body. Both when we were children and as adults, they treated us the same as their bio gcs. When we had our own dcs, again, there was no distinction between those who had a bio link and those who didn't. There was only ever one person who refused to accept us as family and my step dad cut them out.
OP, you sound like a real dad. Keep on doing what you're doing. All your dcs will thank you for having their backs.

Yabu

Once you marry, and adopt the children officially she may feel differently

But right now they are her son's girlfriend's children, and that just does not equate to grand children.

You are trying to force the issue, but your girlfriend's children have their own grandparents, surely? So things will never be "equal" as they have different grandparents, to start with? Do the ex--H parents love your kids,equally as their own Grand children????

I am another one who is shocked and appalled by some of the comments on this thread.
You have 5 children - they should all be treated with equality. If your DM cannot do that then she has no role in your children's lives.

My step nieces and nephews hold exactly the same places in our family's lives as every other child.
If the step-parent sees them as their own, then so should their extended family. The love may not be the same, but the treatment must be.

Wow OP I really feel for you and I think YANBU. You sound like a fantastic, committed father to all the children in your care.

I always struggle with these "step kids are different" attitudes.

I have five cousins. Two are biological. My aunt and her husband both had fairly awful partners. The mother of the husband's kids left when the oldest was four and the youngest six months. Anyway he met my aunt and her two children and they brought them all up together; they have always been my cousins and my GM (aunt's DM) always treated them the same.

Now we are all adults, my GM -now in her 80s- has a large number of people in their 30s who love her dearly and who look after her well. Her two most regular carers are my "step" cousins. She has always been a grandma to us all. There's no chance of her having a lonely old age and there are enough family around to support her at home for as long as possible.

I suppose what I'm saying is what goes around comes around and maybe a chat along those lines would be good for your DM.

@Sittinonthefloor

Please dont say partners children, I dont care what the law says they are all our children and the all deserve to be treated with equal love and respect

Some people are just shit, aren't they? On this thread and in real life.

No, your DM does not have to love all children equally. She can do what she wants. I don't see that as the issue.

To me, the issue is that you have an obligation to ensure that none of these children is made to feel anything less than any other. Your obligation as someone who IS parenting these children is to ensure they are not in a position where they FEEL the consequences of your DM's feelings. It is her actions that are damaging and it is up to you and your DP to protect them from that.
Honestly, I don't even think it is about equal gifts, equal time etc. It is about kindness and acceptance and respecting all involved here.

But they are your partners children. You are not their father.

@10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail

No, she wont. Why would she suddenly start loving them if I owned a piece of paper? Thats like saying you will start loving your partner once your married dont worry if you dont now.
Again they are not my girlfriends children, they are our children.
They dont have GP on their bio fathers side, I am their father and so as far as they are concerned my mum should be their GM
The exP parents have never met my bio or step kids.

I always get confused by family's that treat step kids so differently. My dad married my mum when my sister's were 7 and 8, they knew he wasn't their dad but as their dad wasn't in the picture he brought them up as his own. 4 years later I arrived. My sister's have always been treated the same by my grandparents until they died. My grandad was also my dad's step dad so I suppose they were more used to step kids.
I had a cousin who once said 'their not your proper sister's they are your half sisters' which is bullshit. We are a family, blood means very little in comparison to love and stability.
OP you can't make your mother love your step kids but you can protect your step kids from having to put up with hurtful behaviour.

@allmyfriendsaredead

Yes, I am. They are our children and I am their dad, just like if we had chosen to adopt, I have chosen to parent theese children and I am their dad.

You are not their father. Legally or biologically.

@Dazedandconfuzzled

Thankyou, me and DP have had many long and upsetting discussions over this thread as we have realised their are an awful amount of people out their who are going to put 'not your proper family' on our children. Your right we cant stop that but we will do our best to protect them.

@allmyfriendsaredead

There a whole lot more to being a parent that that. I'm presuming your not one? otherwise you would know that. When you are actually parenting a child legalities and biology dont come into it.

@SpareASquare

Thankyou a lot of people havnt seemed to notice that my thread wasnt about whether or not I can force my mum to love my children equally but that she dosnt and I needed advice on how to deal with that

If you feel so strongly why on earth don't you get married and or adopt? You can feel what you want... but you have absolutely no connection IN LAW to these children.
As you can see from the thread there is a split between yabu / yanbu so you need to realise it isn't a clear issue.

@allmyfriendsaredead

They mean so little, what I give to my step children is so much more than what their bio father has given. To them and me I am their dad and that matters more than weather my sperm was involved in their conception.

@Sittinonthefloor

I have already explained in pp.

As long as she's not actually unpleasant to your sc why don't you stop trying to force it and just allow your children to have a relationship with their own grandparents, it sounds like they've got a granny each. Let your sc see your partners mother on their own and be spoilt by her and your dc see theirs. I think you are making a big mistake be making an issue out of something that needn't be. They all get a granny - just not the same one. What's the big deal?

They are not her grandkids, why would she treat them the same.

My husband and I have been together 10 years. I do not expect my parents to treat my DSS the same as my kids, he is not their grandchild. The same as I do not expect my husbands parents to treat my kids the same as their natural grandkids. It is totally different.

Do your dc live with you too? Or are you actually closer to your sc? Is that the problem?

@Sittinonthefloor

My DP's parent want to see all of their grandchildren? Their not going to miss out, thats not an option. They dont need to be segregated and treated differently thats not good for any of them. I'm not forcing anything, my mum can make her choice.
My mum can be very unpleasent, I gave her a second chance because I thought she has changed, obviously not.

All 5 children live with me, I love all 5 children equally.

If something happened to their mother, their father would get custody which he dosnt want (he wants me to raise his children, he wants 0 responsability) and tbh its very likely nobody would be putting children in his care, then I would adopt them if need

It sounds like it might be an idea to start the process to adopt them now. Not because of you mothers views but because then they would be legally your kids.