DM wont accept my step kids

[beverlybothered]

I am a father to 5 children, 2 biological and 3 step. My family had a lot of trouble when me and my DP got together over me taking on someone else’s children, we thought they had accepted it.
After picking my dm this morning up on a few things such as not bothering about my step children’s birthdays/achievements etc, not referring to them as her grandchildren and just generally treating them so much different than my biological children, she admitted she will never love them or see them as her grandchildren and that she will never be happy that I am ‘pretending’ they are my kids when their not.

I’ve always had a turbulent relationship with my mother and there was a period when we were NC for 15 years.
AIBU to cut her off from all of her GC if she doesn’t make an effort with all of them? I know who I care about most and it’s not my DM

Bloody hell there are some awful people here. So OP should accept his kids being treated as a two tier family simply because some of the kids aren’t biologically his?

And it’s ok for his non-bio DC to be badly treated by his DM because it’s unfair to expect her to be a decent human being, or to consider the impact of her actions on the children?

OP cut her out - she sounds dreadful - either she accepts the family you’ve created or she goes, don’t give her the chance to play favourites

Wtf? Considering the usual venom poured on women posting about their step children on here, the thread is a complete 360. I can't believe some of the comments on this thread. What is wrong with people? 👿

No one has suggested that the op isn't being a good dad to all the children, some have questioned why he doesn't adopt them to formalise and protect his relationship though. Some people have suggested that he's being unrealistic to expect his dm to 'love' his sc and treat them the same as her gcs. Some of pointed out that the older children must realise that she is unrelated to them and if the op handled things and managed expectations differently maybe it needn't be a problem. The fact that some people express some understanding with the dm isn't a criticism of op, but might help him reach a more rational conclusion. We haven't heard what the bad things the dm did either.

Friedgreen the mum doesnt want him to adopt the kids so its not going to make her obliged to do anything.

No one has suggested that the op isn't being a good dad to all the children

No, but many have suggested he isn't any sort of dad at all.

And no one is saying his mum should love the children but in light of the fact that 'safeguarding is everyone's concern' and "it takes a village to raise a child", why anyone would think it was acceptable for this woman to treat these children differently to each other based on their genetic heritage seems ridiculous.

I simply cannot think of any good reason to potentially damage the emotional wellbeing or development of a child for the sake of being kind to them.

The last sentence of my previous post was typed by my butt

@rinabean

You ignored what I said about their fathers and my DP's parents.
Soon is actually weeks and I'm pretty sure the adoption process would take longer than that anyway. Seriously I appreciate your concern but I am not putting my children at risk, its something we definately have considered and if it was neccesary for the safety of my children we would of done it.

Just wanted to say. When my mum and dad met my sister was a small baby. Our dad raised her like his own. Our grandparents treated us all the same too.

My sister has never met her biological father and to her our dad is her dad and no one else. They havent filled the adoption papers as its one of those things that just has been forgotten but that doesnt mean he isnt her dad. He walked her down the aisle and is now a gread grandad to her children and loves to babysit them as often as he can.

So no in my opinion you are not just playing dad, you are these childrens father and your "D"M should treat them equally even if she doesnt love them all the same.

Fried green, the parents of the DP's ex do treat the kids the same, OP said they have nothing to do with any of the kids.

IMO, the formal piece of paper for adoption is just the end stage. The most important bit is to love and care for the children. OP is doing the mist important bit, he's their dad alright.

My fathers partner treats my two children exactly as she treats her own “real grandchildren “ and they call her granny

They think they have 3 grannies - 2 biological and my dads partner

And to be honest if she did treat them differently I wouldn’t think too kindly of her.

Children shouldn’t be treated or made to feel different

Personally I think she is a miserable cow and I would tell treat the kids exactly the same or go sling your hook love

It takes a heck of a lot more than biology to make a parent or a family.

OP is the one who is there for the day to day stuff, he comforts them when they cry, he celebrates their achievements and is in every sense of the word, their Dad. These children are his bio kids brothers and sisters. His mother should treat them with respect and kindness.

I have seen some shocking comments on this thread. A stark reminder that people can be really, really awful.

Keep up the good work OP. You sound like a lovely Dad.

@5plusMeAndHim

If you were in my situation then please say your not their 'actual parent' that would be fine, theirs actually alot more to be a parent than biology. They dont have another father they only have me, the man they have met maybe a dozen times in their life is not more of a dad to them than me and he would say the same.
Just like you wouldnt adopt a child and say were not actually their parents because they already have parents.
None of my step children are lied to, all have been told I am not biologically not their father and for the little two especially they really dont understand the relevance of that at all, I am not anyless their dad and I dont love them any less.
I appreciate your probably just a troll, I am just feeling defensive.

@Friedgreen

Why would a piece of paper suddenly make my mum oblidged to treat my chlildren with equal love and respect?

OP I think what's dividing opinions is that you have given almost no information about what your dm does that is so awful, people are judging based v little info. Very likely creating a picture of your dm based on their own experiences. You've only actually said that she doesn't refer to them as her grandchildren (which they aren't), that she doesn't acknowledge their b'days and achievements, and that when questioned admitted that she doesn't love them as gcs (which is, to many people, quite reasonable). Has she actually been unkind to the children e.g. Told them she doesn't love them or she just less interested? Do the scs even care? Why haven't you explained to the youngest that she isn't his granny? We don't know why you were nc either - these things aren't always one sided! I know that if I took on someone else's children I'd do my best for them and care for them - but it wouldn't even occur to me to expect my parents to think of them as 'new grandchildren', I'd expect them to be pleasant but that's about it!

I think to some extent it depends how old the stepchildren are. To suddenly be presented with a 15yr old step grandchild is different say to toddlers, babies or young children. However, I think it entirely understandable for her to FEEL differently, BUT entirely unreasonable to repeatedly SHOW it - and make a point of it with you. I also think that the fact that you love them like your own children should mean that they are therefore important to her. She should know that talking to you like this about your stepchildren will be hurtful. So, she is being unreasonable. She sounds like a cold, unperceptive person.

@nellieellie

The eldest dosnt care so much as she isnt here when DM comes round most times and is older but she is upset seeing two of her little siblings being treated so differently than other two. The little ones however were only 6 months and nearly 2 when DM met them and they dont understand why they would be treated differently, they are equal members of out family and they are too young to deal with being treated inferior.

I think you should make it clear to your DM that it is her choice whether she accepts your SC or not, but you will not allow your children to be treated differently, and for your biological children to receive more attention / presents / acknowledgement than the others as you love them all equally and see them all as yours.

Therefore, you don't allow her to give presents, attend Christmas concerts or sporting events etc. for any of the DC, she can see them all together and treat them equally, any preferential treatment of your biological children you put an immediate stop to.

You need to be kind and understanding with her, but also very firm. Your family...your rules. She's "all in" or "all out"

You sound like a kind, committed father to all your children and yes, your mother is being mean spirited. She might not feel the same bond but she should still treat them as family.

We had similar issue when we fostered before we had ‘our own’. My mother in law was cross we ‘allowed’ them to stay over Christmas because they were intruding on the family. In fairness they were huge, stroppy teenagers not cute babies but generally charming and funny. She didn’t bring them as much as a chocolate bar. I was not overly polite to her and sent her out to buy something on Christmas Eve on the understanding she would get nothing and we would not be having Christmas lunch if she didn’t. Years later she still tells us we were were too close and they felt excluded. Ridiculous really but you can’t help how people feel. I think adoption would be a lovely security for the children but I’m not sure you should do it to appease your mother.

@Sittinonthefloor

@helenoftroyville Explained it well, its all or nothing, I've said I dont care how she feels but if she needs them all the same, its my job as a parent to protect them and I dont want them to be treated unfairly. If she cant be decent and fair to all of my kids then that will be detrimental to all of them, my bio kids definately do not understand why their siblings are treated differently. It horrible for my step kids that they want to make nanny birthday cards but dont get one in return, that when they try and talk to nanny she ignores them to talk to her 'proper' grandchild, that she wont play with even her 'proper' grandchild if they are playing or try to involve one of their siblings. Sure she might not be beating them but she will still upset them and cause them emotional damage.

Your MIL sounds a charmer Crumbs.

Why are posters constantly on about the stepchildren's biological grandparents? Their bio father's parents are not in their lives. They don't have different grannies at all. That's why the DM's behaviour is hurtful.

Why are posters constantly on about the stepchildren's biological grandparents? Their bio father's parents are not in their lives. They don't have different grannies at all. That's why the DM's behaviour is hurtful.

Sorry for the double post lol.

@helenoftroyville

Thankyou, yes they all have grandparents on their mothers side, but not their bio fathers as they dont have a relationship with him. As far as the kids are concerned I am their father and my DM is their GM, they love her and its so horrible to watch her not even prentend to show love in return.

Morning folks,

We're going to remove this thread while we iron a few things out with the OP - thanks to all who reported.