DM wont accept my step kids

[beverlybothered]

I am a father to 5 children, 2 biological and 3 step. My family had a lot of trouble when me and my DP got together over me taking on someone else’s children, we thought they had accepted it.
After picking my dm this morning up on a few things such as not bothering about my step children’s birthdays/achievements etc, not referring to them as her grandchildren and just generally treating them so much different than my biological children, she admitted she will never love them or see them as her grandchildren and that she will never be happy that I am ‘pretending’ they are my kids when their not.

I’ve always had a turbulent relationship with my mother and there was a period when we were NC for 15 years.
AIBU to cut her off from all of her GC if she doesn’t make an effort with all of them? I know who I care about most and it’s not my DM

@strangershoesagain

Good for you but please never adopt or go out with someone with kids.

So many different views!
My ex's mum has always treated both my children the same and only one is her biological grandchild. Its not out of politeness either, she can be very blunt rude its just common decency.

@beverlyvorheted
I could certainly adopt and that child would be mine, not just the kids of my partner.

Good luck. You’re going to need it.

No, I would focus on my own children and not claim to be a parent to children who aren’t mine.

What the actual fuck?

Some of these comments are utterly vile.

sperm donor a term used by people who ‘take on’ other people kids and feel superior for it.

I think if you've 'taken on' children who aren't biologically yours in the absence of any [meaningful] relationship with their biological parent, then you're entitled to feel superior. If I'm perfectly honest.

Being the person who had unprotected sex X years ago does not trump the person fulfilling the day to day role.

I have a half uncle who's just my uncle, and a half brother and sister who are just my brother and sister. We just have a huge extended family. Nobody's treated any differently. If I were one of those DSC, I'd feel rejected. 😢

This thread has been illuminating.

I had no idea people felt like this still about step kids.

Maybe formalising your family- marriage and or adoption would being her round to the fact they are your family and should be treated equally but at the same time- fuck her

They're not her grandchildren. It's a shame she can't treat them as such, but understandable.

I think you would be very U to deny your biological children a relationship with their biological grandmother just because she cannot accept their step siblings. You can't force her to accept someone else's grandchildren, any more than you can force your step children's' grandparents to treat your biological kids the same as their own.

You haven’t adopted them. They aren’t yours. You Playing daddy doesn’t make them her grandchildren.

What bollocks. Adoption is a piece of paper that says they're legally yours, same as marriage is a price of paper that says you're legally husband and wife.

Doesn't mean there is any less love without the bits of legal paperwork.

My dad married my mum when I was very young but didn't legally adopt me because my biological father wouldn't give permission even though he's never met me.

I may not have my dads genes but he IS my dad because he's been there for the majority of my life and is all the things a dad should be. Same applies to my grandparents on his side.

I don't need an adoption certificate to tell me this, I know this by how they all treated me.

Seriously, what is wrong with some of the people commenting on this thread?
It shouldn't matter whether the children have another set of grandparents, they didn't ask to be put in this situation did they?

OP, you are not being unreasonable to go NC again, you are doing whats right for you and your family

She has a point you know. You aren’t married and you haven’t adopted them, so although you describe yourself as their father that’s not true in any legal sense. If you haven’t made that commitment, you are asking a lot that she does.

However, totally agree that the children shouldn’t be treated differently, as in the examples you gave, school achievements, birthdays etc, just because it’s divisive and not kind.

"Seriously, what is wrong with some of the people commenting on this thread?"

Never underestimate the selfishness, or the emotional meanness, of the British middle classes!!

I wish there were more parents like you.

You clearly love your step children and you sound so committed to them. I would feel incredibly proud if you were a son of mine. You are clearly a very decent person and you are standing up for them quite rightly.

No she does not have to love them as much, but she should never ever allow it to show. All children in a blended family deserve to be treated equally, and to do anything else is incredibly cruel.

Has your mother been like this before? if you nc for 15 years I assuming she has hurt you in the past.

If it were me I would be saying if you can't treat them all kindly and equally then you won't see any of them anymore. You cant allow her to splinter your family, undermine your values and damage the relationship the children share. Resentment will start to fester if some dc get birthday gifts and others dont etc. Not to mention how this will start to affect your dp.

Do not allow her to do this under any circumstances.

It has to be all for one, and one for all.

Asking, or expecting, her to feel the same about the children is unfair. People can't control their feelings.

However, you are absolutely right about it not being on that she treats them differently.

My eldest isn't biologically mine. My twin girls aren't DH's biological children. DH and I have 3 more children. I have absolutely no doubt that DS(s)'s Grandmother loves him more than than she loves the rest, but you'd never know when she was around them. She treats them all with the kindness and respect you'd expect from an old-fashioned Granny. Same with MIL and my girls.

Just to make it clear biology and blood is of very little significance to me. I am not going to prioritise my mum other my children because we share more DNA, if she isnt willing to be a grandparent to her DC then as far as I'm concerned thats her loss not theirs.

Wow! Some really not very nice comments on here... if you'd posted as a step parent having issues with the child you'd have been shot down in flames!!

My ds1 is in a similar situation: he has 2 dd's who live their mum, three step children with his dad and one of their own. I'm Nanny to all of them! I don't love any if them less or more, and I'm Nanny to all of them. I've tried my hardest so that they don't feel different. They're kids, it's really not hard!

As a GM I would totally treat them the same but would not feel emotionally about them the same, as if you and your partner split up I may never see them again. I know this is a risk with biological grandchildren as well but much more likely with step children.
Also it’s not your mums fault that the children’s dad and extended family are not involved she is not obliged to make up for that. Save your annoyance for them.
Does your partner ‘s family treat your kids the same as their biological grandchildren.

So you met your partner, you've accepted her children as your own, you love them, care for them, provide for them. These children vaguely know the man who's DNA they carry but not in any meaningful way. Afterwards you and your partner have gone on to have children of your own together and you see all of these children as equal and you would naturally like your own mother to treat them all equally?
If I've got that right then that to me sounds perfectly reasonable.
Your mother may not ever love your stepchildren the same as her own bloodline grandchildren - it's certainly not very nice but to treat them differently and to do so obviously is not on in my opinion. If you speak to her and point out how obvious her disdain is for your eldest (step) children and that this needs to change. If she is unwilling or unable to do so then she'll lose them all. Perfectly reasonable.

For those saying you should adopt - I don't see why you should adopt them just to prove to others how much you see them as your own children. But it may be something you want to do for their sake, so that they know just how much you love them - not sure if not being married to your other half would make a difference.

I can't believe the stick you are getting here. My step dad is the only real dad I've ever had, sadly he didn't come into my life till I was 14 but he's been more of a dad than my DNA donor who I saw for a few hours every second weekend and who used that time to go to the pub with his dad while I stayed with his mum and sisters and their kids. A real dad is the one who reads the bedtime stories, picks up the dirty socks and strewn cars, goes to the parents meetings, and deals with the shit of everyday life. Not just the one who provides DNA. I hope you're proud of the strong family you have created.

How she feels is neither here nor there

How she behaves is the important thing. And she behaves poorly- she should treat them equally

The thing is you can't expect her to refer to them as her grandchildren, when in reality they're not? But any decent person wouldn't treat the children differently. But to expect her to love them as her grandchildren, that's just a bit too much. Even though you have 3 step children you'll always love your 2 biological children more, that's just how it is.

if she isnt willing to be a grandparent to her DC then as far as I'm concerned thats her loss not theirs

Would she feel differently if you legally adopted them or married their mother?
Do they have a biological grandmother as well?
Blood/biology may not be important to you. It's clearly important to her. It seems like you're making this about you and your expectations, rather than your children. Your biological ones will be the ones to lose out if you cut contact over this.

@strangeshoesagain

My now 18 year old DSS is far more than just my husbands son. I have loved him and cared for him every single day since he was 4. If he has an argument with his girlfriend or feels unwell he comes straight to me. He is my step SON. There's a clue in the title.

Your comments are offensive.

@beverlybothered is right, do not get with a partner who has children if this is how you would view them.

I’m shocked at the amount of people sticking up for this woman, they are children and deserve to be treated as equals what ever their blood line. Op has been sharing his life with them for 5 years and now has 2 children of his own with his partner (half siblings to the other 3), it’s wrong that his mother should treat the older 3 differently to the younger 2.

When I met my now exh he had 3 children, we went on to have 2 more, my mother obviously loved her biological children more but when around the other 3 she treated them equally, she bought them birthday and Christmas presents, my step children didn’t even live with us but she still treated them the same when she saw them.