DM wont accept my step kids

[beverlybothered]

I am a father to 5 children, 2 biological and 3 step. My family had a lot of trouble when me and my DP got together over me taking on someone else’s children, we thought they had accepted it.
After picking my dm this morning up on a few things such as not bothering about my step children’s birthdays/achievements etc, not referring to them as her grandchildren and just generally treating them so much different than my biological children, she admitted she will never love them or see them as her grandchildren and that she will never be happy that I am ‘pretending’ they are my kids when their not.

I’ve always had a turbulent relationship with my mother and there was a period when we were NC for 15 years.
AIBU to cut her off from all of her GC if she doesn’t make an effort with all of them? I know who I care about most and it’s not my DM

I'm from a blended family. My mum is the biological mother of all of my siblings but she is 100% mum to all of us. She couldn't adopt my siblings because their biological mother withdrew her consent (they got a long way through the process before she changed her mind). My grandparents treated us all the same growing up and all 5 of us were I there Will, inscribed in the family bible all that stuff. In no way was our mum "playing mummy" and my grandparents weren't playing at it either. There's some cold hearted people on here.
It's really sad that your mum won't do the same and in your position id struggle to maintain a relationship, the children will know what's happening and it's not fair on them to expose them too it.

@Winteriscoming18

We have been honest. I have been here for the long as he can remember and have always treated him as my son, we have told him that biologically I'm not his dad and that dosnt really matter. He's six he dosnt understand biology, to him it is of no relevance, I am his daddy.

My mum isn't the biological mum to all my siblings. Stupid phone changing the entire meaning of my post

I can understand why she won't see them as her grandchildren as biologically they are not. I don't see why she is being so mean about them, It doesn't take a lot to say 'well done' for achievements. What does she do if your partner's children are with you for Christmas? because if she leaves them out then but gets the others big presents etc, that isn't nice. If its just birthdays then its not as bad because they wouldn't feel as left out as they would if everyone else was getting presents together, but a card would be nice.

It is a bit different with us, and but I think there could of potentially been a lot of problems about it. I am married to man older than myself, his son is nearly 30 I'm 5 years older then him and we actually do get on really well, and have done from when I first got together with his dad (he was 15 at the time). That is probably quite rare though.

Even though my stepson does get on with mum, she doesn't buy things like birthday presents for my stepson or even cards for him really, she doesn't know his birthday but Christmas .. if he was with us for Christmas, (which means he'd be with her and my stepdad also) she would get him a card and possibly something small like a gift card. However, he is older, if he had been a little boy she would have got him something, she wouldn't dream of leaving him out. Come to think of it if she was with him for his birthday and knew it was his birthday, she would get him a card.

I do get that she won't be close to them like she would her actual grandchildren and unless you and your partner get married, she may be worried about getting close to them and then you splitting up. It sounds like its going to be a long term thing if you are considering adopting them so they are part of your family, so she should take interest in them. Maybe she will see things differently if you do adopt them.

I know it’s hard when you wish everyone would be treated equally by the rest of the family. Sometimes I wish Ds was regarded as a grandchild but I can’t change people but I accept that he is still acknowledge maybe not in the same way as the other two but he is. I think you need to lower your expectations maybe ask for a card and small gift for birthdays.

My step cousin was adopted by my uncle changed his name was regarded by everyone as family. When my auntie and uncle split he decided to regain contact with his df changed his name back and then cut everyone off. It does happen.

In your second post you said they say their biological dad a few times a year so it seems strange you say you are their father and they don't have another one.

I am a grandmother to 8 grandchildren. 2 step grandchildren and 6 to my own children. They are all treated the same.

Iguess they do have real gps on your wife's side, so maybe concentrate on that.

My gm on my dad's side never accepted me, not because I was a stepchild, I wasn't, but because she didn't like girls. My brothers could go and stay in her massive flat overlooking St Ives harbour in the summer, but I couldn't. My brothers got presents from her at Xmas and birthdays but I didn't. Yes I noticed, and yes it affected me. Not too much as my brothers were wonderful and would share out gifts happily, so I would be given some of theirs.

But yes, it did remind me that I wasn't important. That has repercussions in later life.

I hate this sort of post. My family is a right old mash up of people who are and aren't "related" to each other due to blended families, adoption etc. We look out for each other. That's all. Sounds to me like your mum can't cope with the fact you married someone she didn't approve of so is taking it out on children! Pathetic!

@beverlybothered my elder brother was that age when Mum came into his life - it was the same in my house, we all always knew that there was another mum - They saw her once a year a Christmas (when she remebered) but it was a great topic of conversation. Why would it be? Our mum was mum and she was there being a parent. It worked really well for us. The main reason it worked was because we were all treated the same - and I don't tbink anyone who treated us differently would've been in our life to be honest.

@fobiddenfruitcrumble

I also said they dont see him as their father, they see him casually maybe 3-4 times a year. Sperm donor is a more accurate term than father.

Bloody hell. wasn't a great topic of conversation. I give up!

Oh and I was given favourable treatment by one of my grandparents as a child, and it's not very nice for anyone - including the favoured ones who love their half siblings and can't understand why their granny is so cold to them and so lovely to you. It's confusing and horrible and you constantly feel you should do something to make it better. So yeah, your mum doesn't have to love them but she needs to be kind to them and remember they are children with no control over their family!

If its relevant its not like my DM has an active part in any of her GC life, step or biological. She has never done childcare etc (not that we want her to)

I was raised by my Dad and Stepmum (who I see as my Mum). Her parents always embraced us as their grandchildren and never treated us differently to my sibling who is their bio grandchild. My maternal grandparents (my real Mum had died) also treated my younger half sibling who was technically no relation to them at all just the same as us for which I will always admire them, for being so welcoming to a new child and blended family unit despite their loss.

My younger sibling also now has a stepchild of her own who is also treated just the same as all the others. And my Stepmum treats my kids exactly the same as her bio grandkids. As a result we are a pretty close knit family and make every effort to involve the grandparents/ great grandparents in our lives. Your mother is going to cut off her nose to spite her face which is a shame but entirely her doing.

She’s not obligated to accept them, but imo you have to be done cold hearted person to not treat them the same. They’ve done nothing wrong.

My ex mil was like this with my adopted child against my birth child. I stopped seeing her in the end as I didn’t want either if my children being around someone who was willing to treat any child like that

You haven’t adopted them. They aren’t yours. You Playing daddy doesn’t make them her grandchildren

What kind of mind must someone have to post such a nasty comment as that?

sperm donor a term used by people who ‘take on’ other people kids and feel superior for it.

How confusing for these children.

I wouldn't stop her seeing her grand children but I would stop her seeing the step children.
I'd take the biological children to see her once a month or so.
Explain to the step children that she is not their grandma.

You were nc before

Shes given you another reason to do it again. Her behaviour is awful

@strangershoesagain

How would you know, have you taken on someone elses kids and felt superior for it?
I dont feel superior for anything. Thats what he is, hes not interested in being their father.

No, I would focus on my own children and not claim to be a parent to children who aren’t mine.

@tiggytape

I think it was disgusting that she said that. But as I have also said I dont so much care how she feels (I just dont want to know), its how she acts and as I said in my OP she dosnt treat them the same.

She may not be obliged to accept them but you are not obliged to accept her behaviour either, I would go no contact she sounds horrible. Regardless of how she feels they are children, Kindess and treating children fairly isnt hard.

Also you arent playing Daddy what a nasty thing to say, My husband has brought up my children with me since they were a baby and toddler, he is their Daddy its about whos there not about who does the deed and leaves, Kids dont see blood they see who is there for them.

You obviously have a big heart and realise family is about caring for one another not about blood ties, Unfortunately some people have very closed minds and cant see that.