DM wont accept my step kids

[beverlybothered]

I am a father to 5 children, 2 biological and 3 step. My family had a lot of trouble when me and my DP got together over me taking on someone else’s children, we thought they had accepted it.
After picking my dm this morning up on a few things such as not bothering about my step children’s birthdays/achievements etc, not referring to them as her grandchildren and just generally treating them so much different than my biological children, she admitted she will never love them or see them as her grandchildren and that she will never be happy that I am ‘pretending’ they are my kids when their not.

I’ve always had a turbulent relationship with my mother and there was a period when we were NC for 15 years.
AIBU to cut her off from all of her GC if she doesn’t make an effort with all of them? I know who I care about most and it’s not my DM

If the OP really cares about these chikdren he may wish to adopt them to ensure his relationship with them continues even if that with his partner doesn't. A friend's brother was in a similar situation - his family welcomed his step children with open arms, loved them as nieces/nephews/grandchildren. Then after 10 years the relationship broke up - and that was it. None of them ever saw them again, including their 'dad'. Heartbreaking.

@Anydaysoon

All 5 kids have the same mother, my kids are her kids.

But the OP isn't even married. Sorry to sound mean but I've seen men happy to "play daddy" with no real commitment, like a marriage. Then they leave and they never see the children again.

I'd be cautious tbh.

I am sorry this thread is so awful op. Please ignore some of the posts on here (trolls?)
You are a great father and you go nc if your dm doesn't have enough respect to listen to you and be kind to all of the children, and not just the ones she sees fit to love. So divisive.

You don't need MN to tell you her actions are vile. Deep down you know what she is like. Hold her at arms length from your lovely family.

@strangershoesagain Jesus, you're referring to children as cast offs?? That's truly disgusting.

My step grandparents were extremely loving and generous towards myself and my sister. I never felt a lesser being than their blood related grand children. Stick to your guns OP, your mum is a rotten sod, I hope it doesnt cause your step children too much upset.

We have step kids and biological kids in our family. The step kids are not 'grandchildren' to my parents and they call my parents by their first names. They have their own grandparents that they see regularly and call them grandma/grandad. However they are all very much part of the family as far as my parents are concerned, all get equal birthday and christmas presents, all included in family events, and my parents have very much welcomed them into the family. This is what our family looks like now and everyone accepts it without question.

There have been difficulties, for example my parents Will. But the important thing is on a day to day basis everyone gets treated the same and we all love them all. I think you need to have a frank conversation with your mum again, saying you recognise her feelings but she needs to recognise yours and how it impacts on the kids. Yes they will never be biologically hers and you need to have some recognition of her feelings about that, but on a day to day basis you are one family and would like to be treated as such. Also formalising your relationships would help this (and also help you all).

@Lemondrizzlee

Thats really not true. I love all 5 children equally, I am only refering to them as my step children for the purpose of this thread, i would never do so in real life. Thats just not how it is, i will never love 2 of my children more than the other 3.

@ZoopDragon

She has made it very clear that she dosnt want me to marry this woman or adopt children that are not mine, shes not happy with the overall set up, a piece of paper wont change anything for anyone. Its 100% about the kids, I let her back into my life for the sake of the kids but its turning out that was probably a mistake

reported

Strangershoesagain, You must have a really shit life to be trolling threads, I really pity you.

I think YABU to expect her to consider them as her Grandchildren. They are not!!!! Just like when a mother has multiple children to different Dads. It's like expecting one of the Dads who isn't with the mother anymore, for context) to treat all the kids as his own? Madness.

Your Stepchildren won't give a hoot I expect. When your kids go to their Grandma's house, surely it's no different to when your stepchildren go to their bio-dad's house????

Seriously, are some of these comments actually real, or just goading for cheap lols? THESE ARE CHILDREN. REAL CHILDREN. And yes, they should have an adult in their lives who will defend them and stick up for them.

I agree op, it was a mistake to trust her again.
Your dc do not need toxic people in their lives, you are better off without her.

@rocketgirl22 Are you serious? His Mum is doing nothing wrong! How can you call her vile?! Suddenly she is expected to play Grandmother to three extra kids and if she doesn't the. She's "vile?" Wow. Just wow.

@strangershoesagain

'cast offs' But you would adopt? In most cases children need adopting because both parents have abondoned them not just one, why is that any different. Sorry but I'm now feeling grateful my dm isnt as bad as you.

Cast-offs

Do your step kids have grandparents on your gf side of family and how do they treat all the kids?
I don’t think going NC with your DM is a good idea. Your kids may one day ask why they never got to see granny and they may take the view that you deprived them of that relationship.
Your DM should treat all the kids the same if all are present though.
Does she ever get to see them without the step kids ?
For example if they ( your stepchildren) go to see their other grandparents on gf side ?

Some really nasty stuff here. A relative of my mum's died recently. Thirty plus years ago his son married a woman who already had children from an earlier relationship. He brought up them up as his own, alongside the children of the new relationship. His parents accepted them as their grandchildren, just as much as the ones they had a genetic link to. Those stepchildren flew from the other side of the world to attend their stepgrandfather's funeral and support their stepgrandmother, stepfather and mother. That's what family should do.

mother

She doesn't have to 'play' at anything, she simply needs to be kind to all of the children. It is not hard.

Isolating them and treating them differently is of course cruel and vile. Why would you hurt a child like that?

Maybe have a frank discussion with her. You can’t force her to consider your ste kids as her grand children and she can’t force you to stop ‘pretending’ you’re their dad. However she’s the adult here and should control her behaviour and treat the kids equally. They are just kids and don’t deserve to be used to make her point about step parenting.

Since it’s the beginning of the year, maybe get her a wall calendar with all your kids’s birthday pencilled in. If in the long run you see she’s still unable to be fair to the kids, I’d cut down the number of visits to the bare minimum. It would be sad if it came to this but your kids don’t deserve to be treated differently.

Op do you think it would help if you did get married and adopt the children to make it official?

YANBU your mother should treat them all the same regardless of how she feels about them. They are your family which makes them hers by extension. It sounds like you already have a difficult relationship with your Mum but only you can know if no contact is best.

If a grown women can not treat a child with respect and a basic level of decency I would limit her contact with all of my children. Treating children obviously differently is damaging to all of the children and undermines your family dynamics.