DM wont accept my step kids

[beverlybothered]

I am a father to 5 children, 2 biological and 3 step. My family had a lot of trouble when me and my DP got together over me taking on someone else’s children, we thought they had accepted it.
After picking my dm this morning up on a few things such as not bothering about my step children’s birthdays/achievements etc, not referring to them as her grandchildren and just generally treating them so much different than my biological children, she admitted she will never love them or see them as her grandchildren and that she will never be happy that I am ‘pretending’ they are my kids when their not.

I’ve always had a turbulent relationship with my mother and there was a period when we were NC for 15 years.
AIBU to cut her off from all of her GC if she doesn’t make an effort with all of them? I know who I care about most and it’s not my DM

This is a tough one and I think you are both being unreasonable on some level.

You sound like a really nice man but you also need to be a bit careful. My own Dad has a DP and she has DC and DGC. I actually hate them quite a lot because he spends most of his time with her and them and we get thrown the occasional fish. I know this sounds childish but he is my dad, not theirs.

Also, one day I may be a GP. If my DC let me, I will do everything I can for those DGC. Any spare cash I have I will invest it for their future and do other things. Let's say I have 4 DGC. Why should I be expected to then treat 3 DGC who come onto the scene exactly the same as my DGC? I hope that I would be able to show them love and affection, buy them presents for occasions and treat them when we are all together. However asking me to treat them the same as my own DGC is a real big ask. Your expectations are too high sorry.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz I think a big difference in the eyes of grandma is that her grandkids will always be her grandkids: if the relationship ends, the other kids will or can easily disappear from her life, which is an excruciatingly painful thing to bear.

The OP isn't married I dont think so all talk of stepkids/stepfather and step grandkids is incorrect. They're just her son's partner/girlfriend's kids to her.

You can't make her have the same feelings to the step-kids as her 'real' grandchildren but you can ensure she treats them the same way in person (as any normal considerate human being would) to treat them differently is just shitty immature behaviour and will make all the children feel bad in the long run, not to mention setting a terrible example for them.

I suspect she's doing it more to wind you up than for any genuine reason anyway - she's sounds deeply unpleasant and you obviously had good reason for being nc with her for 15 years previously - doesn't sound like she's changed to me. You and all of your children will be better off without her imo - good luck

YANBU.

There are so many threads here saying "the children are part of the package" " accept me, accept my children" etc. As you say, she's not obliged to feel anything, but to obviously leave them out is mean.

What was her relationship with them before your children were born? Do all the children share the same mum?

I think that you are quite right OP in saying that it doesn't matter how she feels ( obviously she can't help that) , but how she acts. She should keep her thoughts to herself and treat all the children the same. You sound like a lovely person. She's pushing her luck since you've been NC before.

It sounds like you are putting the kids first and that is what matters.

I've never met my biogical father but my step dad is amazing and is definitely dad to me even if the DNA states otherwise. I think you sound fantastic and yes I think you would be completely right to go no contact with your mum over this. How she feels isn't really important but how she acts is and treating them obviously differently is potentially harmful to them if they see you all as a happy family regardless of genetics.

As a child from a single parent home:

It takes a real man to father and parent kids that aren't biologically theirs. Ignore the mean comments on here about "playing Daddy".

As for your mother, if both sets of kids have equal grandparents I could understand a step back but not the utter coldness you're seeing. It breeds upset and jealousy, especially if one set of kids sees their grandparents and one doesn't.

However in your mothers defense, she's under no obligation as pp have said.

It's a tough one but I can understand both sides

Yeah she hasn't changed. If my child had cut me off for 15 years and then let me back into his life I would be doing everything I could to stay part of it, not giving him grief about getting with someone who had children and then undermining his relationships and family unit.

You won't change your Mothers mindset.
Does she include the children, is she warm and friendly, or does she ignore them ?

I think yabu. I couldn't love someone else's unrelated kids and before anyone jumps on me im not really a kiddy person so it wouldn't happen. I wouldn't treat them noticeably different but then I wouldn't have much interest either.

They aren't her grandchildren and you say they already have grandparents. If she'd known them since babyhood she probably would love them as she does your natural DC.

But she didn't and you shouldn't ask her to. You can ask her to treat them fairly though.

Do the other grandparents treat your DC fairly?

If she is actually cold to them, and the difference in her feelings is glaringly obvious to them, then she's already doing quite a bit of damage. You've built a blended family which actually works - no mean feat. And she is giving all the children the message that that family is a lie, that they are not all equal, and that your stepchildren are cuckoos in the nest. I wouldn't let her within 50 yards of any of them tbh.

I think you are expecting too much from your mother, though it does sound like she could be better than she is currently.

They aren't her grandchildren and legally they aren't your children either, if you split up with the mother you'd have no legal right to see them ever again.

Your mum is from a different generation, from her perspective, you're not married to their mother and the children are not legally yours either. To her it probably looks pretty casual.

My own parents are wonderful GP to my children, and buy expensive presents as well as investing lots of time in them, helping them learn to read etc. In your situation I wouldn't expect them to do the same for step children, though I would expect them to send a present and card on birthdays etc and not exclude from family activities.

Do your step children have no contact with their biological father's family, his parents?

I think you can talk to her about more effort but she will never love them as her own. Going NC just disadvantages your own children. I would be very careful in cutting off your own biological family for children that are not legally yours.

If you get married and adopt them formerly maybe her attitude to them will change.

My step dad IS my real dad, no matter what biology says, and his Mum is my nan, she accepted us and loved us from the start, and treated us exactly the same as her biological grandchildren. She still does today now that we’re all adults.

My husband is step dad to my eldest and he loves her as his own, and both of his parents treat her exactly the same as our other two children. I wouldn’t have it any other way!

YANBU. After 5 years, I’d she doesn’t accept them, it says a lot about her as a person.

You are a great step dad and should be proud of yourself.

Hard one.

I know a few women who have been full grannies to the children of their childrens partners. Then the relationship has ended and they have never seen them again. One from birth to age 8 including caring for them several days a week for many years whilst mother was at uni.

Blood hell, the contrarians are out today aren't they?

Of course YANBU. Only a cruel, cold, awful person could treat one child in a family differently to another - which is why books like Harry Potter focus on the "excluded child" who isn't treated the same as a shorthand for understanding dreadful parenting. In real life, however, children don't have the emotional complexity to be able to realise this is the adult's problem and not theirs and are likely to be hurt and to wonder why they are treated so differently. A good person, a good adult, treats all the children who are present equally, and is careful not play favourites.

No my step children dont have any contact with their dads family. They see me as their dad and my family as their family. The youngest was 6 months old when we met and he dosnt yet understand that I am not his biological Dad, which also means he dosnt yet understand that my mum is not his gm.

Sounds like you have worked hard on your family unit and it has paid off for you all. To preserve that and the sibling relationships which will be tested and tried that bit harder than one with natural siblings, i think it fair to the dc to walk away from your dm - she may not have the same feelings for all of them but she should have kept it to herself!!

They are different. My dm hasn’t ever treated my step children the same as my biological children and doesn’t refer to them as her grandchildren (even though I have been with my dh over 20 years) because they aren’t her grandchildren and they have their own grandparents. I am not my step kids mum, they have a mum. Whilst we all love each other there will always be a difference but this may be more accepted as both biological parents and extended family have always been fully active in their lives.

YANBU

My brother met his new partner three years ago who had a three year old. My Mum absolutely adores him and he is as much a grandchild to her as all the others. Likewise I consider he is my nephew.

Gosh- I think you are getting a very hard time here. You are raising these children as your own and you have been for five years. I have seen similar threads about Adopted children and posters almost universally agree that treating the biological grandchildren differently from the adopted ones is unacceptable. I don't understand why people don't see that that is the case here. However the children have come to join your family, if you raise them as your own I would expect your family to appear supportive.

From personal experience- my step mothers step mother treated me differently as I wasn't her biological step child (no she never saw the ridiculousness of that). It didn't take my brothers long to notice and they were very wary of her. I think the eldest about five when he asked why granny didn't like me. It certainly didn't help their relationship with their grandparents. She needs to make an effort to treat them equally.

I had DS from a previous relationship. I got with DH when DS was 2 he’s now 9. Mil doesn’t refer to DS as a grandchild although she gets him a birthday gift and Christmas presents and he always is invited round she doesn’t spend the same on him as the other two dc. DS does however have a large extended family on his father side. It would be nice if she considered him as grandchild but it’s not something you can force. She’s perfectly pleasant to him.

I think it maybe harder for your dm because it’s hard to form a bond with older children. I think just make sure she’s pleasant but you cannot force the issue.

@mum11970

Thats a much different situation.
My step children dont have another set of grandparents and I am my step childrens father, they dont have another one. I can see how it would be different if they were only with us 50-50, only saw me as there step dad and had a relationship with their dad and his family.

I do think you need to be honest with your youngest who his biological df is the fallout of him/her finding out is massive. No child such not no their true heritage.