Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

To put up with a shouty husband?

160 replies

FindingItReallyHard · 22/01/2018 07:10

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and I cannot imagine life without him. We have a toddler and a baby. He adores us all. Toddler is exhausting but her whinging can be minimised if handled well. Baby is a four months.

He is quite impatient and also hates lots of noise- says his brain wont function. So if one or two of the kids are crying he might make a brief attempt to resolve it before exploding into a sweary shouty fit. Never physical. Him and the toddler seem to spiral into shouting/crying very quickly. Happens most mornings when she wakes everyone up at 5am.

He works sooo many hours (self employed with new business) and, when he comes home, he goes online and the toddler will be talking to him which he often ignores or ends up getting cross and, for example, slamming down the iPad and muttering or shouting to the toddler that it's all about her or something along those lines.

We are both exhausted, have very little space in our 2 bed flat and no spare money. I just wish he didn't argue and swear at the kids. Posting now as Friday he kicked off as toddler was whinging and I flipped shouting at him to get a grip and leave the room. Problem is I had both kids next to me and I am mortified that I shouted infront of them. I feel I am no better than him. I think tjings will get better once DC2 is bigger as it had improved as DC1 got bigger and before second baby arrived to shake things up....
Aibu to accept that this is just him and things get better as DC get older?

OP posts:

DeStijl · 22/01/2018 07:13

So my husband has a temper- he says he cannot help it and it's the only way he can deal with things. For example, pre kids, he would be doing some diy that didn't go well and would shout and swear and tell me to fuck off if I suggested something or told him to calm down. This resulted in him smashing things or putting his fist through a door on several occasions*
And it seemed loke a good idea to marry him and have kids with him?! no you shouldn't put up with it, especially now he's being abusive to your children as well as you.

FissionChips · 22/01/2018 07:14

Well, do you think your children deserve to grow up scared of their fathers next explosion at them? Do you think that will make them feel happy, secure and loved?

Think about them, not you.

Quartz2208 · 22/01/2018 07:15

He can help it is he willing to get help

TheDowagerCuntess · 22/01/2018 07:15

Yes. You would be incredibly unreasonable to just keep putting up with it.

Shouting and anger is incredibly scary for small people. It's 10-fold worse when it comes from the person they love and is meant to look after them.

Dermymc · 22/01/2018 07:19

You're happy for your children to grow up in this environment? I wouldn't be.

If your child goes to school and says daddy shouts and hits things you with have SS (quite rightly) at your door.

Your children should not be scared of daddy.

AuntieStella · 22/01/2018 07:19

No, you shouldn't accept it.

OK, everyone might blow up occasionally on little provocation but that's it occasionally Do not confuse a rare lapse with what is going on here.

Now, he has this behaviour pattern, and it is a pattern and a hostile, unpleasant one. Have you tried talking to him about this? At a time when he's nit mid-temper?

Was he at all receptive?

And yes - if you can do it without shouting, telling him (when he's kicking off) to get a grip might be worth it if he can take this as a cue he needs to change gear. I am assuming here that he's a nice guy with a bad habit, not an utter tosser who will do one damned thing after another until the Woman Knows Her Place and Stops Expecting Him To Deal With Children.

echt · 22/01/2018 07:20

Yes he can help his temper, that's what being an adult means. Does he shout and swear at other adults? He's put his fist through a wall?
Don't accept this, but I must also say, don't tell an angry person to calm down, it really doesn't help, however well meant.

Remove yourself and your children from their vicinity.

norfolkenclue · 22/01/2018 07:20

Read your own post! I can't believe you are even asking if you should be putting up with it! 🙄 Do you really think you're in a safe, nurturing, loving environment with your children?

Greatestshow · 22/01/2018 07:20

There’s nothing in his behaviour you describe that suggests he adores you all.

DayKay · 22/01/2018 07:20

This is disgusting behaviour. Your poor dc.
He should be able to cope with day to day stresses ie life in general.
If he can’t then he has to learn as soon as possible.
Tell him to stop this unacceptable behaviour from today. He should seek help if he needs it and go and book himself on an anger management course.

Poshindevon · 22/01/2018 07:21

Why do you put up with this awful behaviour? Your children must be petrified.
Your DH needs anger management therapy sooner rather than later.

humblesims · 22/01/2018 07:21

It's unacceptable for an adult to regularly lose their temper in such a way in front of children. Really, he must acknowledge it, deal with it and seek help or you should leave. Thats what I think. If you think it will get better when the baby is older you are kidding yourself. Sorry dont mean to sound harsh. When you are both calm you should start the conversation. He must take responsibility for this.

Fosterdog123 · 22/01/2018 07:23

He can help it. I bet he doesn't lose it with clients, even if they're being demanding or annoying. He's fallen into a pattern of behaviour at home that has no real consequences for him, so he continues to do it. Have you sat down with him when tempers are not flared and talked to him about it? The effect it's having on you, the kids, your home life. Is he willing to get help? Are you willing to put a clear line in place with him and consequences if he steps over that line that you'll stick to? Such as, therapeutic help and one more episode of shouting and you leave (or he leaves).

Pengggwn · 22/01/2018 07:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CantChoose · 22/01/2018 07:24

I think that deep down you already know the answer to this.

walkingdowntheboulevard · 22/01/2018 07:28

Sit down together without the kids, see how you can avoid the stressful triggers, agree with each other that the shouting and swearing has to stop.

Try and find a way forward and a resolution and have a trial period, if that doesn't work your children need to be removed from this situation.

HotelEuphoria · 22/01/2018 07:30

He needs to seek help for anger management now.

If he doesn't god help you when your DC get to teens. Seriously.

newmumwithquestions · 22/01/2018 07:33

What is he adding here?

I also have a shouty other half. I have also, in front of the DC, shouted at him to stop shouting. I get how stupid that is.

I’m still with him. I have thought about leaving him for the sake of the DC.

The reason I haven’t is that he is trying to not shout. Took me about a year to get him to understand that it really wasn’t good. Took me a long time to get him to understand that behaviour that he didn’t want them to do (eg crying) wasn’t usually ‘bad’ behaviour- just behaviour he didn’t understand.
He still looses it and shouts at the DC, but to be fair it’ll now be in response to something bad (like yesterday this happened when 3yo deliberately pushed the 2yo over onto hard floor and hurt her). It does concern me a lot though as I think he’s always going to be shouty.

He also does a lot for the DC. He comes in from work and builds dens, chases, oohs and aas as their drawings, etc.

when he comes home, he goes online and the toddler will be talking to him which he often ignores. This bit would concern me - he’s not even trying to engage.

So to answer the question I don’t think it will get better with age. It might get better with less sleep deprivation but he has to want to be a better dad.

LakieLady · 22/01/2018 07:37

Shouting, punching doors must be very frightening and upsetting for your children. He needs to stop this asap, and may need specialist help to do it.

My ex was very shouty-sweary and it even used to upset one of the dogs.

saladdays66 · 22/01/2018 07:43

For example, pre kids, he would be doing some diy that didn't go well and would shout and swear and tell me to fuck off if I suggested something or told him to calm down. This resulted in him smashing things or putting his fist through a door on several occasions.

And you still thought it would be a good idea to marry him and bring children in this this toxic atmosphere? Why?

He gets home work work and goes online and doesn't engage with his dc at all - not a good sign.

He adores us all
No, he doesn't.

If he did, he'd be aware of his behaviour and do something to change it. It must be terrifying for the dc.

Sit him down, tell him how you geel, give him an ultimatum. Give him a trial period for him to change - no shouting, engaging more, etc. Then reassess your relationship. If he doesn't change? Deal breaker for me. It's awful and damaging for dc to be brought up in this kind of environment. You are teaching them this is how relationships are - not a good model.

peachgreen · 22/01/2018 07:47

My dad was like this when I was a child (minus the punching - things never got physical). I grew up walking on eggshells. I am terrible at dealing with other people's anger - if DH so much as tuts in frustration in traffic etc I immediately get panicky (and it has been known to trigger a full panic attack). I have anxiety anyway (impossible to know if it's related, obviously) but my brother doesn't and yet he's exactly the same. We also both have trouble expressing our anger and frustration, bottling it up to keep the peace - I've learnt tools to deal with this but he hasn't and it's resulted in him being treated incredibly badly in relationships, including being physically abused.

What I'm trying to say is that this is impacting your children in ways you can't even see now. Does he not realise that? Surely he doesn't want to hurt them in this way?

My dad got help and is now a completely different person - kind, loving and incredibly patient. Probably my favourite person in the world. Unfortunately it was a bit too late, but even so it's had a huge positive impact on our family.

Your DH can get help. He must get help.

treaclesoda · 22/01/2018 07:48

He can control his temper. Every adult can control their temper. The actual question is 'does he want to control his temper?'. And at the moment the answer is 'no'.

Fairenuff · 22/01/2018 07:48

What happens when he shouts and screams at adult males bigger and stronger than him? Or is it only toddlers and exhausted women on the receiving end ?

Come on OP, you know he can control it. He's just choosing not to because he truly, honestly believes you are beneath him.

Original poster

FindingItReallyHard · 22/01/2018 07:48

Pengggwn, your reply has brought me to tears because that is the reality of it.

OP posts:

fromwesttoeast · 22/01/2018 07:50

Doesn’t wasn’t to engage
Very wrapped up in his business
Can’t cope with noise
Found change difficult when new DC comes along

How was he as a kid? What do PIL say? Possible autistic traits??

Or a badly behaved adult?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7