To put up with a shouty husband?

[FindingItReallyHard]

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and I cannot imagine life without him. We have a toddler and a baby. He adores us all. Toddler is exhausting but her whinging can be minimised if handled well. Baby is a four months.

So my husband has a temper- he says he cannot help it and it's the only way he can deal with things. For example, pre kids, he would be doing some diy that didn't go well and would shout and swear and tell me to fuck off if I suggested something or told him to calm down. This resulted in him smashing things or putting his fist through a door on several occasions.

He is quite impatient and also hates lots of noise- says his brain wont function. So if one or two of the kids are crying he might make a brief attempt to resolve it before exploding into a sweary shouty fit. Never physical. Him and the toddler seem to spiral into shouting/crying very quickly. Happens most mornings when she wakes everyone up at 5am.

He works sooo many hours (self employed with new business) and, when he comes home, he goes online and the toddler will be talking to him which he often ignores or ends up getting cross and, for example, slamming down the iPad and muttering or shouting to the toddler that it's all about her or something along those lines.

We are both exhausted, have very little space in our 2 bed flat and no spare money. I just wish he didn't argue and swear at the kids. Posting now as Friday he kicked off as toddler was whinging and I flipped shouting at him to get a grip and leave the room. Problem is I had both kids next to me and I am mortified that I shouted infront of them. I feel I am no better than him. I think tjings will get better once DC2 is bigger as it had improved as DC1 got bigger and before second baby arrived to shake things up....
Aibu to accept that this is just him and things get better as DC get older?

sundaysunday that's my story too, but by the time he got help I had started to hate him, it was just too little too late and we separated.

Now I live calmly and happily and my head isn't full of how to keep the peace anymore, it's wonderful and I'm shocked now I put up with it for so long.

I am very quick to anger and shouting, especially when dh is around for some reason. I think it is a learnt bahaviour from my very shouty and angry father. I find the best thing is to remove myself from the situation immediately, go for a shower or a drive, or just stand outside. Could you ask him in a quiet moment that shouting and swearing has to stop in front of the children, and the next time you will ask him to remove himself from the situation when he feels the rage and you will remind him to do so?

My dad had a temper. The only time I ever saw it was the rare occasion someone threatened or scared me, my sisters or my mum. Never with any of us. Never. Not once. That's how someone who adores you behaves.

luxury yes there is some element of resentment towards him on my part, but mainly because it took so long for him to do anything about the situation.

OP there is a fine line between supporting a partner with a mental illness, and being a victim of domestic abuse. I really wasn't sure which side of the line l fell this time last year but I gave DH the final opportunity to get help first but I would like to think l would have walked away if he hadn't have engaged with medical treatment.

My dad was like this. The worst thing about it was you never knew if he was going to be happy or angry, we walked around on egg shells whenever he was around. He would just explode at me for the smallest things even when I was very young and I grew up terrified of him. Our relationship now is very strained and even at nearly 30, im still scared of him. I try not to spend time with him on my own, and I have issues with confrontation even with my own partner because I have issues with shouting. It's not ok for parents to treat their children like this

You really shouldn't live with this situation or raise children in it. He needs to seek counselling and realistically he will probably have to pay for it himself. Either that or you will have to leave him, I think.

I bet he doesn't shout at blokes when he's angry. Because he'd probably get decked.

The word for someone who is verbally abuses their wife and children is bully.

I felt stressed reading your op and very sorry for your tiny kids.

Never forget dd1 as a tiny baby flinched when dh shouted - not even in anger he was telling a funny story. Being brought up in a stressy environment damages babies and young children's brain development cortisol levels etc. I wouldn't wait and see on this.

He won't get better as the children get older. He's learned that this choice of his (because shouting is a choice, not a reflex that he can't help) works for him. It gets him what he wants. He shouted at you before you had children and now he shouts at you AND the children.

Either he has to stop this behaviour, or you have to leave him, or you have to accept your children are going to grow up frightened and anxious all the time. And that has significant impacts on their health and life expectancy as adults.

My father always shouted. Probably still does, but I haven't seen him in years. I now have real, disabling health issues because of having grown up so frightened all the time. Significant pain and fatigue all the time. It's awful. Don't let this happen to your children, please.

You call it shouty other people would call it verbal abuse.

It's already damaging your children hence the tears and distress. The question is how much damage you will tolerate before you take action.

This thread is evidence that angry, shouty, abusive parents produce highly anxious children.

He needs medical help if he says his brain can't function with lots of noise as there must be a reason for this?

I don't think your husband is necessarily abusive. It's probably what he learnt in his own family, and he really doesn't know how to cope with things otherwise.

He needs help, though. What he's doing is unacceptable and will harm your children. He needs to talk to a therapist who can help him to manage his anger.

I grew up being shouted at and worse. His behaviour is likely to escalate.

If he cannot handle noise well, he perhaps needs to accept he will have to deal with noise for x amount of time every day and do something about how he reacts to noise. Then allow himself to take a break and have some noise free time.

It is not for a small child to moderate her behaviour. The best as a parent we can do is train our children to use inside voices.

Perhaps read this thread to see where anger can lead when children reach teens. Parenting doesn’t get easier.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/3144892-Dilemma-with-husband-smacking-teen?pg=1

So the question you're asking is 'is it ok for my kids to be scared and eventually damaged because I can't be bothered to do anything about it?'

Answer - no. You chose to have babies so therefore it's your job to protect them. Just because you can put up with it doesn't mean they have to.

As the wife of a man whose father had a terrible temper, just be aware that his children and their families will hate your partner and you by extension for letting it all happen, and you will end up never seeing your kids.

He needs to get therapy if he can’t stop himself, and he needs to start showing love to his children as his current behaviour is very damaging. Babies don’t care how much money he brings in.

Stop pretending his behaviour is acceptable parenting. It is not.

He is absolutely not "shouty".
He's full on abusive and your toddler, your child is already scared to death of him.
Stop minimising this abusive man's behaviour and protect you children.

Your children are going to grow up always scared of their dad. Their memories will be of him shouting, an atmosphere in the house and things being smashed up.

The important years are now for your children. Right now you are setting them up for problems further down the line.

All they will ask you when they are older is why did you not take away from it? And they will either end up with anxiety or they will display the same behaviour- because it will be a learnt behaviour, they will know no different.

he says he cannot help it and it's the only way he can deal with things.

When he goes to the supermarket and someone in front of him in the queue gets on his nerves does he scream and smash the place up?

When he goes to a restaurant and the food order comes out wrong does he scream and smash the place up?

When he's at the Dr's surgery and the waiting time goes past his scheduled appointment, does he scream and smash the place up?

No? Then he's absolutely in control of it. Your temper isn't something reflexive, you can take full control of it. He's choosing to lose his shit regularly. That's abuse. It's not "adoring" you or your DC. It's abusing you all. Emotionally and physically because you're all scared of him as he chucks stuff about and punches holes in walls. Your Husband is abusing you. He is abusing your children, your tiny tiny children are being harmed emotionally and physically by him. That's not love. That's not even parenting.

It must be daunting but you need to prepare yourself to end this or spend the rest of your days exposing your darling children to this terrifying emotional abuse. No judgement on how or when or where but please, if you can begin to cut yourself off from him do it slowly, carefully and consciously until you are strong enough to leave and keep yourself and your DC safe. You and your DC have the right to live without fear.

Sounds terrible.
Life with a father/parent who shouts and screams in this way causes a lot of problems for children during their childhood and their adulthood.
My clearest memories of my childhood involve my dad going berserk, throwing things, chucking my mother out, threatening to hit her...all in front of me and my sibling so much so that we attempted to act as human barriers. I haven't written about that bit before, wow :(
It's no wonder I had low confidence then and anxiety now (narc mother too probably didn't help as they enabled each other in ways).
Interestingly I know a few people who had parents like this who mellowed out so much with age you could not believe that they were ever like that.
Stress affects us all so much in different ways and we have to develop coping mechanisms. This is what your partner needs to do for you and the kids and also for himself and his own health. Otherwise it's a downhill spiral.

OP when the kids get older, they will answer back, they will argue using the words they have heard at home (your own words back at you) what ever they are. They start this early and carry on until their late teens. This is very hard to hear, and they are often wrong and cheeky and ungrateful and pick the wrong moment.
You have to be incredibly patient and kind and firm and clear.
Now imagine your shouty-sweary DH confronted with your 10 or 12 or 14 year old "giving cheek". How will he behave? Or must they learn to hush, tiptoe, hide, to escape?
He needs to change now or it will only get worse with more opportunities for him to be "provoked" not fewer.

However much you love this man, you must put your children first. I have a toddler, and I agree with a pp that's it's absolutely heartbreaking to hear she's trying to engage with him and being yelled at in response. So much wise advice and experience offered to you on here.........I just really hope you put your dc first and make the right decision.

Oh OP I feel awful for you. He is abusive, but you know that already. An adult shouting at a toddler? Disgraceful. The poor little thing is probably terrified.

Imagine him as the parent of defiant teenagers. He will be a powder keg and your children will be scarred for life.

Don’t accept it. He should be getting help.

What are his redeeming qualities?

""H e has his own business which he is having to worm really long hours at, its stressing him out and you are still skint""
He needs a new job.

""He can't control his anger""
Has he tried?

""He ignores the toddler""
So he isn't actually parenting this child who loves him except to shout and make him cry

""It will get better once they're older""
Terrible two's. Fearsome 4's. The WHY age. The pushing boundaries age. Teenage years. Modelling Dads behaviour to each other, to you. All those things are likely harder than 2 little preschoolers.

You really need to work out what you gain from this relationship and whether it's healthy for your kids (no)

Does he shout and scream and swear at his boss? His clients? People
In the street? No, because he is perfectly capable
is controlling his temper but he is CHOOSING to take it out on your and your children.

He is choosing to do that because he is an abusive bastard who gets a kick out of it.

This WILL affect your kids hugely, and you. You know what you need to do here. And I know how hard it is because I’ve been where you are

My DH has anger issues too. And it is definitely worse when he's under stress. Noise drives him mad. He once went out and shouted at the neighbour for revving his engine too much. It's embarrassing when he loses it in public.

When DD was a toddler and he was under stress at work was the worst time (so far - DD is 8 now). One time he lost his temper with her when she was 2 and threw her supper at her face bc she wouldn't eat it. That was it for me. Ultimatum issued.

He went to therapy for 5 years and has anti-anxiety medications that he takes if he knows he will be in a stressful situation (e.g. traveling with us). It has helped so much. He still occasionally loses it, but it's much much better than it was.

It helps that he is absolutely perfect (loving father, shares all housework, brings me flowers, tells me he loves me and I'm beautiful all the time) in every other respect.

You've got to take your husband aside in a calm moment and lay it out for him. His behaviour is unacceptable. It's imperative he take steps to control it if he wants to keep his family.

My DD still remembers the day when she was 2 he threw food at her.