To put up with a shouty husband?

[FindingItReallyHard]

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and I cannot imagine life without him. We have a toddler and a baby. He adores us all. Toddler is exhausting but her whinging can be minimised if handled well. Baby is a four months.

So my husband has a temper- he says he cannot help it and it's the only way he can deal with things. For example, pre kids, he would be doing some diy that didn't go well and would shout and swear and tell me to fuck off if I suggested something or told him to calm down. This resulted in him smashing things or putting his fist through a door on several occasions.

He is quite impatient and also hates lots of noise- says his brain wont function. So if one or two of the kids are crying he might make a brief attempt to resolve it before exploding into a sweary shouty fit. Never physical. Him and the toddler seem to spiral into shouting/crying very quickly. Happens most mornings when she wakes everyone up at 5am.

He works sooo many hours (self employed with new business) and, when he comes home, he goes online and the toddler will be talking to him which he often ignores or ends up getting cross and, for example, slamming down the iPad and muttering or shouting to the toddler that it's all about her or something along those lines.

We are both exhausted, have very little space in our 2 bed flat and no spare money. I just wish he didn't argue and swear at the kids. Posting now as Friday he kicked off as toddler was whinging and I flipped shouting at him to get a grip and leave the room. Problem is I had both kids next to me and I am mortified that I shouted infront of them. I feel I am no better than him. I think tjings will get better once DC2 is bigger as it had improved as DC1 got bigger and before second baby arrived to shake things up....
Aibu to accept that this is just him and things get better as DC get older?

You've been with this man for 15 years. it's good you were able to speak about this last night, but please don't kid yourself that this was a lightbulb moment for him, and he suddenly understands the impact of his actions. He will only change if he wants to change. For as long as you tolerate his behaviour, he has no reason to change

What’s his Plan?

^

This is very like the way I would speak to my 8 year old DD1 about her meltdowns. You basically have a third child in the house, sorry.

Your DH needs to get some anger management training, that should be a condition of you staying with him.

I read something that seems relevant here

Men who punch walls and make a lot of noise when they’re angry sure want you to know how much they want to hit you…

It's not good enough OP. You and your kids deserve better.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I think that it sounds like you made a very good first step OP. The thing is that while many (most?) men who are abusive cannot or will not change, some men have bad habits that they can change, but only if they truly want to. As much as he might say otherwise, it's his CHOICE to be shouty and abusive. If he is motivated and willing to work on it is possible he can change his behaviour.

As a pp mentioned, there is a distinction between a man who loses his temper indiscriminately, at queue jumpers and irritating people at work as well as family, and the man who is lovely to everyone else and saves all his abuse for his wife and kids. My husband is the first type, and he has changed. It wasn't overnight and it wasn't easy. It took several conversations like you had last night, but it can happen.

My DH dedicated weekly therapy sessions to managing his anger over several years and the change has been remarkable.

Well done OP for broaching it with him and for not putting it off. You have started the process of setting up boundaries to keep your children safe and happy.

You are going to get a lot of people saying "that's not enough, the problem isn't fixed, you need to LTB" and the reason they are so emphatic is because this situation is SERIOUS - he isn't 'just a bit shouty but we can put up with it' and I think you are starting to realise this. Many posters have been through what you are experiencing (either as a child or as a partner of an abusive person) and they really, really want you to be able to somehow short-cut all of the second chances and minimising and promises to change and it happening again that they went through.

Please don't be put off from posting on here - the ideal would be if posters in your situation suddenly had a lightbulb moment and cut to the bit where the problem was fixed but that isn't possible.

You husband has heard that his behaviour isn't acceptable - what you have to look for now is ACTIONS. I am guessing you are going to get a lot of words, a fair few excuses and minimisations, and possibly a short-term improvement, but hold out for concrete actions that show he is taking the problem seriously.

It also may be difficult for OP to just up and leave - if she has no money, if she has no family willing/able to take DC in, and particularly if OP grew up with the idea that the Man Of The House is to be obeyed, and 'kept sweet' and marriage 'takes work' (ie women must always put themselves last).

My husband was a bit like this when our daughter was little but it gor mostly directed at diy he wasnt physical but still he was shit. I couldnt handle it but it was sadly caused by a serious mh issue which he is now getting help with in a mh hosptial. Our relationship is super changed now because of it but he is getting better daily your husband needs help.

My dad was like this years down the line he has been diagnosed with aspergers and depression. he had counseling and is much less angry

Oh but I never saw it growing up I was oblivious until I was an older teenager