To put up with a shouty husband?

[FindingItReallyHard]

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and I cannot imagine life without him. We have a toddler and a baby. He adores us all. Toddler is exhausting but her whinging can be minimised if handled well. Baby is a four months.

So my husband has a temper- he says he cannot help it and it's the only way he can deal with things. For example, pre kids, he would be doing some diy that didn't go well and would shout and swear and tell me to fuck off if I suggested something or told him to calm down. This resulted in him smashing things or putting his fist through a door on several occasions.

He is quite impatient and also hates lots of noise- says his brain wont function. So if one or two of the kids are crying he might make a brief attempt to resolve it before exploding into a sweary shouty fit. Never physical. Him and the toddler seem to spiral into shouting/crying very quickly. Happens most mornings when she wakes everyone up at 5am.

He works sooo many hours (self employed with new business) and, when he comes home, he goes online and the toddler will be talking to him which he often ignores or ends up getting cross and, for example, slamming down the iPad and muttering or shouting to the toddler that it's all about her or something along those lines.

We are both exhausted, have very little space in our 2 bed flat and no spare money. I just wish he didn't argue and swear at the kids. Posting now as Friday he kicked off as toddler was whinging and I flipped shouting at him to get a grip and leave the room. Problem is I had both kids next to me and I am mortified that I shouted infront of them. I feel I am no better than him. I think tjings will get better once DC2 is bigger as it had improved as DC1 got bigger and before second baby arrived to shake things up....
Aibu to accept that this is just him and things get better as DC get older?

Completely agree with Jigglytuff. This is what you need to do.

I would (and I'm deadly serious) tell him that you and the children are leaving unless he makes active steps to get help. This is an utterly toxic environment for your children. You chose this but they have no choice.

I think that if the two of you can talk this over calmly, and then reach out for whatever help is available, you may be able to turn things round.

I have found in these situations the 'concern' angle is better than the 'blame' one i.e. 'I'm worried that if this continues, our children will end up frightened of you' etc.

I was that frightened child. Fifty years after leaving home, that frightened child is still there underneath the 'I'm O.K, I'm a fully-functioning adult' act. I've recently come through a long period of generalised anxiety - nowhere near as bad as the depression that derailed my late twenties, but enough to make me realise that the tendency must have been hard-wired in me as a result of living in fear of when my father would next erupt.

I really try not to interfere in other people's lives, but in this case I feel I must speak up on behalf of your children. It suppose it comes of never feeling anyone cared what was happening to me. Thank goodness we understand more these days.

Listen to allright If you don't act now, this will be your children in 15 years time, 20 years time, 30 years time...etc etc

Shouting and swearing at a baby and toddler on a regular basis, and dismissing it as no big deal, is incredibly shit. it is emotional abuse.

I’m also another one saying don’t wait for it to happen again because it will.
It’s better that he tries to find some coping strategies immediately and he probably needs someone to help with that.
Tell him to go to the gp as a first step. ASAP.

Good God woman...get a spine. By not taking action now you are enabling your kids dad's abusive behaviour towards them. I'm actually shocked that you are being so lax about this

This makes me so sad. Forgetting yourself for a moment, your husband is abusing your kids and you are letting it happen. You need to either leave (accepting that he’ll continue, because he will unless he seeks help, which he won’t) or stay and be complicit in the abuse of your kids. Woman up and tell him you’re leaving unless he seeks anger management. He doesn’t love you if he is unwilling to do this. He’s just a knob.

This book is excellent
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforum-21

But, based on the title of this thread, I think you will stay with your DH and your children will suffer.

OP, I don't have kids but you mentioned you wanted to know if other people's husbands shout all the time. The answer is no. My DH has never so much as raised his voice to me in 6 years and I have never seen him shout at anyone else either. It is not ok for a person to act like this and it is not fair on your or your children.

He’s perfectly capable of making changes with some effort and work on his part, he’s just choosing not to. Your choice is whether or not live with his decision

He's not 'shouty'. He's abusive. 'Shouty' is the language my 4 year old GS uses. It's not adult language and you're minimising. You say you can't imagine life without him. Have you tried? Because I'm a stranger on the internet and I can imagine what your life would be like without him. You wouldn't be wishing your children's early years away so that his life is easier and maybe them he won't be so 'shouty'. Bloody hell OP little children are often horrendously hard work, they demand you attend to them when you feel you haven't anything left to give, but you do it, because they're children and you love them. Do you want your little children to grow up treading on egg shells in case 'shouty' Daddy starts punching things and swearing?

Oh and my dick of an exdh didn't once shout at our children. None of my friends husband's shouted at their children either

That's all good stuff OP. But don't wait and see "if it happens again". He needs help to change.

I'm confused as to how you can say 'if it happens again'.

Do you genuinely think it's going to magically stop, all on its own, and he's going to turn into a normal person, just like that?

You know it's going to happen again and again and again.

For heaven's sake, all the time you spend dithering about this, your children are being damaged.

He needs to see his GP THIS WEEK, and ask for anger management counselling and possibly meds to calm him down. As it will probably take a while for him to get counselling, I think he should move out asap. If he has counselling and he stops losing his temper, then you can consider whether or not to live together again.

Each week you delay, the more harm is being done to your children, and that will be down to YOU.

You're living in an abusive home - husband shouldn't shout and break things. He needs therapy/anger management therapy. Don't like like this.

He's an abusive arsehole and you are enabling him.....oh and I couldn't care less IF he is on the spectrum...abuse is abuse. When one of your kids tells a teacher or friend you risk losing your children. You need to leave him while he addresses his issues, they are his not yours and certainly not your children's, poor things.

Why are you saying 'if it happens again'? It's happened over and over and over again for fifteen years or however long you've been with him. Of course it's going to happen again - and again.
Take steps now, today, don't sit there on eggshells until something sets him off again. Tell him he has to sort it, because his behaviour is not acceptable, it's not okay. You can put up with it if you want, it's your choice, but your poor children don't have that choice and they are going to grow u thinking it's normal to behave like that.

"Happens most mornings when she wakes everyone up at 5am."

Says the OP. So you will be actioning this tomorrow then?

My DH has never shouted in anger at either DD ever. Nor me, not once. Its not normal and its not OK and its happening in your house pretty much every day, you say so yourself.

Others will start to notice or the children will tell them as they get older. My kids friends have told me all sorts of (funny utterly benign) stuff that goes on behind closed doors, and the kids I read with at school. If this gets out to other adults/teachers they are obliged to act.

He sounds like a child. Tell him to fucking grow up.

My dad used to be like this and it was horrendous growing up in that environment. I remember him decorating the front room and putting a hammer through the door. Countless days out were cut short due to him losing his temper, and we’d all be shuffled back to the car to go home. He was a fantastic and Fun Dad 75% of the time but there was always that possibility he’d kick off so we’d all (my small and dB) would be on the look out for him kicking off.

My mum eventually left him, due partly to this. They did after 6 weeks get back together and over night my dad never did it again. So when you say he can’t help it, don’t believe it, he simply knows he can and he does.

What happens when your kids are older, and ‘shouting’ at them isn’t working so well anymore? What happens when he stops punching wals and starts punching his family? Will it THEN be enough for you to leave?

What would it take?? Because already it’s too much for your children. They are ALREADY being damaged. But not damaged ‘enough’ for you to leave? When will the damage be enough?

Thanks for helping me to get things into perspective. Talked to DH last night, from the concern point of view as somebody suggested even explained swearing, even under his breath, is emotional abuse. Also told him how when he shouts it makes me feel so sad. Explained that this was never a part of my childhood and I will not see it be an accepted part of my children. Came up with strategies including not using the iPad unless he was prepared to be interrupted with the alternative being to wait until kids asleep or go into the bedroom.
We talked about how to deal with the noise when toddler is shouting/screaming/tantruming and how matching her volume clearly isn't helping and just sets a bad example. I said if this doesn't resolve then we need to seek professional help as it needs to be resolved. He took it all on board. He agreed he does not want us tiptoeing around him. This morning was a "done a poo" morning so toddler wasn't screaming but yes Kerala1 next time he responds by shouting that will be the case.

So it sounds like you did a lot of talking. What did he say for himself. What’s his Plan?