To put up with a shouty husband?

[FindingItReallyHard]

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and I cannot imagine life without him. We have a toddler and a baby. He adores us all. Toddler is exhausting but her whinging can be minimised if handled well. Baby is a four months.

So my husband has a temper- he says he cannot help it and it's the only way he can deal with things. For example, pre kids, he would be doing some diy that didn't go well and would shout and swear and tell me to fuck off if I suggested something or told him to calm down. This resulted in him smashing things or putting his fist through a door on several occasions.

He is quite impatient and also hates lots of noise- says his brain wont function. So if one or two of the kids are crying he might make a brief attempt to resolve it before exploding into a sweary shouty fit. Never physical. Him and the toddler seem to spiral into shouting/crying very quickly. Happens most mornings when she wakes everyone up at 5am.

He works sooo many hours (self employed with new business) and, when he comes home, he goes online and the toddler will be talking to him which he often ignores or ends up getting cross and, for example, slamming down the iPad and muttering or shouting to the toddler that it's all about her or something along those lines.

We are both exhausted, have very little space in our 2 bed flat and no spare money. I just wish he didn't argue and swear at the kids. Posting now as Friday he kicked off as toddler was whinging and I flipped shouting at him to get a grip and leave the room. Problem is I had both kids next to me and I am mortified that I shouted infront of them. I feel I am no better than him. I think tjings will get better once DC2 is bigger as it had improved as DC1 got bigger and before second baby arrived to shake things up....
Aibu to accept that this is just him and things get better as DC get older?

Fucking hell h eis awful. He is abusing you and your children.

‘hen he goes to the supermarket and someone in front of him in the queue gets on his nerves does he scream and smash the place up?

When he goes to a restaurant and the food order comes out wrong does he scream and smash the place up?

When he's at the Dr's surgery and the waiting time goes past his scheduled appointment, does he scream and smash the place up?

No? Then he's absolutely in control of it. Your temper isn't something reflexive, you can take full control of it. He's choosing to lose his shit regularly. That's abuse. It's not "adoring" you or your DC. It's abusing you all. Emotionally and physically because you're all scared of him as he chucks stuff about and punches holes in walls. Your Husband is abusing you. He is abusing your children, your tiny tiny children are being harmed emotionally and physically by him. That's not love. That's not even parenting. ’

^^^ This this this.

And ask yourself what he gets out of this dynamic? More control? Less helping out at home? Because he is choosing it, so something about it must register as a pay off for him.

Sounds like an unbearable situation. I would not stand for it and neither should you. Your children should not be subjected to this.

Your poor children.
He needs to get help or leave.

I you love him and want to stay and feel he loves the children, I guess your only option is to seek and anger management course for him. Otherwise I would question his fitness as a father, and would feel very concerned about this.

No OP. Just no. Read back what you wrote!! If this is " adoring you" you've set the bar at zero. My ex was this way and it was always someone else's fault ( well if they didn't do whatever, I wouldn't have to get mad etc) . I couldn't leave my kids alone with him for 5 minutes without him screaming at them and it was hell. Please don't bring them up in a household of fear. I'd say it's ultimatum time. Give him so long to get help, counselling whatever and stick to it. You can choose but your children are defenceless and are trapped. If he refuses to see that he has a problem, then put your kids first. I walked away with nothing. I don't regret it.

I have a shouty husband. He will raise his voice to the DCs occasionally ("I just told you NOT to touch that!") and to inanimate objects ("Aaargh! I thought the dishwasher was dirty!").
He knows it is a bit much and he tries to keep it to himself as much as possible (I mainly hear him shouting at things when he's up and I'm already in bed to be honest, and shouting at the DCs is something we're both working on very very hard).

He doesn't hit things, or swear., or slam doors. He knows it's wrong and never claims he can't help it.

You don't have a shouty husband, you have one with anger issues.

This may be just him but it’s not acceptable.

Hi OP, this may or may not be relevant but my XP was like this, as was his brother. They had both smoked huge amounts of weed. My XPs behaviour changed significantly when he stopped, his brother continued and went on to smash computers, car stereos etc. Their father had a temper and that was clearly where they had learnt that shout and swear was ok, the weed just made it worse. My XP once got so angry at running out of milk he kicked a wall and broke his toe. I laughed out of sheer panic / fear as to what was coming next. My XP realised it was a problem and worked really hard on it. He would still say things like ‘oh for fucks sake’ under his breath but he stopped shouting and banging things. If your partner cares about you and the children he can moderate his behaviour, over time, if he wants to. Please don’t let your children grow up to be afraid of their dad and to think this is OK.

This toxic atmosphere if not addressed will have far reaching damaging consequences for your dc. Either he gets help or leaves. There isn't a half way point. No toddler deserves a grown adult shouting at them when they're just doing what toddlers do.

Your Husbands anger issues are hugely damaging, to your children.
He needs to leave, then peace can be restored in your home.
Put your children before yourself and him.

Do you live in fear OP? I wouldn't accept my husband or anyone telling me to fuck off. That's not a good relationship. If you don't ask him to apologise for doing that then you are giving him the message that somehow it's fine or even not a problem for you. If someone who really cared about you was watching from a camera in the corner of the room would you feel ashamed about how he's treating you?
You need to ask him to apologise to the toddler every single time he shouts. You are becoming like him because shouting and being aggressive is being normalised as ordinary communication.
He will, without doubt, put his fist through a wall at some point in the future. The only reason you are with him for 15 years is because you have learned not to push his buttons or you know what you will get.
If he doesn't like noise why did he become a Dad?
Alternatively you could put a chart up on your fridge called the Shouting at Kids Chart: Each time you shout at the kids or he has mark it down on the chart. Tell him when he comes home that you decided to do this to record exactly when you or him are shouting at the kids.

i am going to get torn apart on here I think. Many members of my family are like this and us kids just learned to deal with it. The key was that we were able to see that in all the ways that matter, our parents loved us and provided for us. There was enough affection at other times. All of us have actually found it very useful 'training' for dealing with mcShouty adults at work as we learned to look beyond the shouting and see what the frustration was behind it - usually something that could be anticipated and dealt with. It depends on the relationship and your own tolerance of what you can deal with I suppose and to what extent it infringes on your own freedoms. If you (or later on your kids) are not able to live life because of a controlling/ abusive McShouty then yes you prob need to get out. But there are other ways to make life better without necessarily breaking up a family.

The man needs to get a total grip!! The kids are learning this behaviour by seeing it. Awful. Not good.

He sounds like me when I have PMT and, no, it is not normal but I do believe him when he says he finds it difficult to control himself. You certainly shouldn't be putting up with it, though. He needs to get himself some help and start by seeing his GP. It definitely sounds anxiety related and he'd benefit from a combination of anti-anxiety medication and CBT.

I've noticed blokes like this are always self-employed because they're incapable of working anywhere else and being told what to do. And of course their business fails because the only reason they're doing it is because they're unemployable.

It is so sad to read how he gets with his innocent little toddler who just wants to engage with her daddy.

You’ve learnt how to deal with his behaviour. You’ve had to find a way to cope and survive his verbal abuse. Don’t put your children in a situation where they have to develop those survival skills and coping mechanisms.

As well as an anger management course (which he has to find time for), he needs a parenting course.
If he’s not willing, then you know what you should do.

My mum has just left my dad after FORTY SIX years of this? Please don't accept this behaviour!

I dont mean to be harsh but there are so many posts like yours it makes me so sad for the children who dont have a choice in this abusive environment - but you do, you say you cant imagine life without him - do you really understand the damage this will do to your children? And I mean life long emotional damage.

Mumsnet is full of tales of women living and raising children with abusive men. All in denial that the man is abusive because "he loves us all" and "is a great dad".

NEVER have i seen an update where someone comes back and says "X has completely changed and is no longer an abusive wanker".

Shock, children are loud and can be annoying. What did he expect?

Question is - will you protect your children and put steps in place to actually leave this disgusting man, or will you continue to make excuses and end up with children with ruined childhoods who will quite often grow up to be either abusive men or abused women as that is what they think is normal (disclaimer - no, not all who are raised in abusive environments grow up to repeat the mistakes, but many do).

This man is emotionally abusing you and your children and you want to know if you should put up with it?

I can't believe you knew what he was like yet still went ahead and brought not one, but two defenceless little children into this hideous toxic environment.

No no no don't put up with it. Your children are being damaged already by growing up in fear of their dad. He needs to get therapy for his anger issues or get out.

He doesn't adore you or them. If he did he wouldn't behave in this appalling way.

Listen to all the people on this thread who grew up in fear, treading on eggshells. The end result is the same in every case. People with long lasting anxiety and other health issues and who blame their mum for not removing them from the situation.

You know what you have to do OP. Protect your poor defenceless children from this vile abusive man.

OP - you have been really brave to express your views on mn and some of the responses will be hard to read.

Take your time. There is no need to do anything immediately except keep on reading. Keep finding more information about what is ok and what isn't. Every relationship is different. Some people can change, some people just won't.

Have a look at the womensaid website and perhaps read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft to give you more insight.

Good luck.

If he doesnt like loud noises why the hell is he raving and shouting? Sorry but he needs a wakeup call, shape up or ship out.

OP you said he says things to your toddler like 'it's all about you'. Well when they're that age it is, developmentally they have no other way of seeing the world.

Growing up in this toxic environment will do damage to your children's long term mental and physical health www.urbanchildinstitute.org/articles/editorials/stress-has-lasting-effect-on-childs-development

One of the reasons they think Glasgow has such poor health (and low life expectancy) is not just poor diet, lifestyle. It's generations of children growing up in homes with high levels of stress.

You need to act for your children to protect them from this. If he is not willing to address his behaviour you need to remove your children from it. Women's Aid can offer support as this is emotional abuse you are all experiencing.