Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put up with a shouty husband?

160 replies

FindingItReallyHard · 22/01/2018 07:10

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and I cannot imagine life without him. We have a toddler and a baby. He adores us all. Toddler is exhausting but her whinging can be minimised if handled well. Baby is a four months.

So my husband has a temper- he says he cannot help it and it's the only way he can deal with things. For example, pre kids, he would be doing some diy that didn't go well and would shout and swear and tell me to fuck off if I suggested something or told him to calm down. This resulted in him smashing things or putting his fist through a door on several occasions.

He is quite impatient and also hates lots of noise- says his brain wont function. So if one or two of the kids are crying he might make a brief attempt to resolve it before exploding into a sweary shouty fit. Never physical. Him and the toddler seem to spiral into shouting/crying very quickly. Happens most mornings when she wakes everyone up at 5am.

He works sooo many hours (self employed with new business) and, when he comes home, he goes online and the toddler will be talking to him which he often ignores or ends up getting cross and, for example, slamming down the iPad and muttering or shouting to the toddler that it's all about her or something along those lines.

We are both exhausted, have very little space in our 2 bed flat and no spare money. I just wish he didn't argue and swear at the kids. Posting now as Friday he kicked off as toddler was whinging and I flipped shouting at him to get a grip and leave the room. Problem is I had both kids next to me and I am mortified that I shouted infront of them. I feel I am no better than him. I think tjings will get better once DC2 is bigger as it had improved as DC1 got bigger and before second baby arrived to shake things up....
Aibu to accept that this is just him and things get better as DC get older?

OP posts:
Mellodrama · 22/01/2018 07:52

My dad was pretty similar when I was a child, I grew up eventually being diagnosed with generalised anxiety and OCD - the OCD rituals I remember I'd mentally perform as a child. Though I love my dad, I would've been a much happier, more relaxed child if my mum would have separated from him Sad

You know deep down what you need to do Thanks

TheFirstMrsDV · 22/01/2018 07:52

You describe his behaviour in your OP in a very careful way.
You excuse and minimise each aspect and example of his aggression.
You call him 'shouty' instead of 'angry'

If you were not aware of how unacceptable his behaviour is you wouldn't bother to do that.

I am not one for saying LTB because someone swears or shouts. This is far more than that. He is having loud, scary tantrums and blaming everyone but himself for that.
He is frightening your children.

rollingonariver · 22/01/2018 07:54

Your toddler may well be difficult because of this. They're scared. Constantly.
I'm a grown woman and a large man screaming at me would terrify me. You would also probably be disgusted if your husband started yelling at a grown woman. Imagine how a toddler feels and that's their father so they have to live with him everyday.
He either needs therapy or you need to leave him. Think of your kids.

Pengggwn · 22/01/2018 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reddington · 22/01/2018 07:57

Why are you even with this piece of shit? What a cunt!

BitOutOfPractice · 22/01/2018 07:58

He's scaring your children is the bottom line.

It's heartbreaking to think of your little toddler desperately trying to engage with him and being ignored then yelled at. That's a really upsetting thought to me. How can you stand by and accept that happening to your Dd?

NSEA · 22/01/2018 07:58

My stepdad was as ypur husband is described. O left the house at 16. As soon as I could - as did my 2 sisters. I will never return and it destroyed my relationship with my mum. I refuse to let my children in her house which is hard for her but I won’t subject them to what I grew up with.

I am not damaged by him however my relationship with my mother was amd I was in a terrible place at 16 trying to get by.

I think you need to provide a loving home that your children know is theirs and they can return to whenever they need. That won’t happen with an angry shouty father.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 22/01/2018 08:00

Does he shout at customers too? Or just at women and babies? If he shouts at customers too, he will not be in business long and needs serious help

If he does NOT shout at customers or at men bigger than.him, he clearly CAN control himself and his anger, he just thinks you and the babies deserve his anger

He is,essentially training you and the kids to walk on eggshells around him

It is so tragic you think you and your kids deserve to be shouted at Sad and that you accept it as your lot....

If you think the kids will always be "good" (scared) once older, think again. They will be teens one day and start fighting back, and will have learned by then that punching holes and hollering is,the way to get what you want....

LolitaLempicka · 22/01/2018 08:02

Why will he get better when the kids get older. He was like this before you even had kids. Wake up. This is so damaging and no, he doesn’t adore you all. Not at all.

BrownTurkey · 22/01/2018 08:03

It is only ok if he can learn to walk away before he shouts, and to be gracious enough to explain and apologize to older children about why he blows up - AND if he is never in sole care of children (as he can't safely walk away in those circumstances). Those circumstances don't seem very realistic.

SavageBeauty73 · 22/01/2018 08:03

He sounds awful.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 22/01/2018 08:07

Your poor kids! Get rid of him. There is no (good) excuse to constantly be this angry with your own family let alone tiny children. Your toddler is most likely not only scared of her own Dad when she’s screaming but also learning from him it’s how to communicate.

I guarantee you if he didn’t live with you your household would be so much calmer and happier. Losing abusive bastards is a great way to have a happy family life.

rocketgirl22 · 22/01/2018 08:09

You are living in an abusive environment, and now your dc are too, it will not get better as they get older, it is likely to get much much worse as they try to defend themselves (and you)

He needs professional help now, or you need to leave.

LittleMyLikesSnuffkin · 22/01/2018 08:10

And no he won’t get better when the kids get older. My children became defiant and angry (understandably) and that made their dad angrier. And things descended into violence in our home.

NewYearNewUsername · 22/01/2018 08:11

He sounds exactly like my dad. I was terrified of him my entire childhood and a few years into adulthood. I was in my 20's and he'd spent years getting help to control his temper before we forged a decent relationship.

My mum later told me she didn't realise how badly it affected me until she saw the difference when he left. She had to spend years building my confidence back up and it's never been great.

I saw the same behaviour in myself as an adult. I got help and learnt to control it. I still lose it very occasionally but not every day, not even every month. I always apologise if I do lose control.

He needs help or he needs to get out. Otherwise you will likely spend years picking up the pieces.

PurpleWithRed · 22/01/2018 08:12

“He says he can’t help it and it’s the only way he can deal with things” - So he realises that what he’s doing is horrible and way outside the norm but he doesn’t think he needs to try to stop? What makes him so special? What gives you the impression he ‘adores’ you - sounds to me like what he adores is keeping you all walking on eggshells and and him getting his own way through the threat of his anger.

My XDH was very controlling and this was one of his tricks too. Don’t do this to your children.

timeisnotaline · 22/01/2018 08:14

He can help it and he has to change for you to let him stay in the family unit. Your poor toddler just trying to talk to daddy and getting shouted at. If he is receptive to working on it (if not he should leave) you need rules eg if he punches the wall he needs to leave the house for two hours no matter the time / weather. If he shouts at the toddler he needs a speech about he’s sorry, why he should t have done it, that he loves them, a cuddle and ten minutes talking about their day concentrating on toddler. Etc , I’d insist he goes to coubselllong to work on these, or he leaves. If he says he can’t help it then say that’s an absolute dealbreaker you need to leave now if you can’t help it before the children are further exposed.

TheHobbitMum · 22/01/2018 08:19

I too grew up with a dad like this and the effects are still with me today at 35. I would pray for my parents to divorce growing up and left home at 15 to escape him! I've anxiety (did have depression) and still cower at shouting :( I was in counselling eventually to help with the way I was brought up, please protect your children & yourself. None of you should have to deal with his abusive behaviour Flowers

AngeloMysterioso · 22/01/2018 08:20

Him and the toddler seem to spiral into shouting/crying very quickly. Happens most mornings when she wakes everyone up at 5am.

What a lovely way for your child to start her day. Nothing like their father screaming at them to set a good tone!

You know this isn’t ok OP. This will damage your children for life if you let it continue.

Sweetpea55 · 22/01/2018 08:23

You need to do something about this now. How do you know when a fist through the door can change into something more serious.
Your poor children,

AngeloMysterioso · 22/01/2018 08:24

Also- he says he cannot help it and it's the only way he can deal with things

Losing your shit and screaming at your family is not dealing with things. It’s the exact opposite.

sundaysunday · 22/01/2018 08:29

A year ago I was in this situation with my DH. It had been a very slow and gradual escalation in his behaviour and I hadn't realised how bad things had gotten. My DH saw his GP and was started on an antidepressant to help control his stress and he also had some counseling.

There was an immediate improvement in his ability to cope with everyday life and although he still has the odd outburst, these are much less frequent and less severe. I would strongly recommend your DH goes to see the GP. However it took me years to get my DH to go and in the end I had to threaten to leave before he would act.

Sumo1 · 22/01/2018 08:30

I recently split up from DH after 30 years. Be warned he won't change - or not without hours of counselling and therapy which for most men is a nono.

Auspiciouspanda · 22/01/2018 08:30

I grew up with a parent like this. Life walking on egg shells at the next explosion isn't a great childhood.

I still jump at slamming doors, get extremely scared when anyone's 'normally' angry and have anxiety.

This is the life you are letting your children lead.

LadyKyliePonsonbyFarquhar · 22/01/2018 08:31

You need to act now OP. It will only get worse as the children get older and they are bickering between themselves and then start answering back as teenagers.

Swipe left for the next trending thread