Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

[ThreeDaysAWeek]

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

I'm sorry OP, but having s 2 year-old in a nursery for a really long day because you have to work is one thing. Having your little girl spend 2 extra afternoons there a week -because her dad wants to play video games - is a disgrace.

Your DH works 7-2 and calls this full-time . Most men would call this part-time fgs! So he needs his down time does he, after his long, full-time day, yet it's ok for a 2 year old to cope with a ten hour day at nursery!!!

Sorry I don't mean to be rude at all, but I just find this unbelievable.

I think it’s awful that he’s late, and that would piss me off.

However, I really don’t see why he shouldn’t have a couple of hours to himself before he gets her.

I do this sometimes, and will even book a days holiday once a month to drop DD at Nursery and spend the day reading/watching tv. I am a mum but I still need time for myself!

And gaming is a hobby, we all spend time on mumsnet, it’s just the same surely? I’d rather my DH gamed a few hours a week than went out and got drunk.

There’s your answer. You and he believe he needs more free time than you because HE’S A MAN. Which extends to him thinking that his time is more important than those mere women at the nursery. You indulge thus shit and infantilise him.

The rest of you - just stop with the gaming shaming for crying out loud! Just because it's not something YOU enjoy or get something out of, does not mean it's a worthless pursuit.

It's not about the gaming. He could be spending that time knitting beanies to send to an orphanage in Outer Mongolia and I'd still think he is a shit father to let his hobby become so all encompassing that he is preferring it to time spent with his daughter.

Look at his week - there is no real one to one time caring for his own child. That's wimmenz work. Oh he'll play with her and read her a book when his wife comes home, but taking sole responsibility for her? Nope. OP even excuses him for it in her first message 'Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.' He only has sole responsibility for a few minutes in each week, and he can't even manage to get to that on time.

I don't get why he doesn't pick her up at 2 tbh, wether you have to pay for it or not...if it were me I'd want all the time I could get with my own child.
And there is no excuse for him being late to the point that it incurs a fine. The nursery staff have to wait behind with the child, the child gets upset as everyone else has gone home. This would really bother me.

As an ex nursery manager you can be certain they would be seriously unimpressed if they knew the reason for his lateness. Working parents get delayed and it's part and parcel of providing a service, I never billed for lateness due to Road/train delays, however I did bill for lateness where parents were clearly taking the mick!

When my daughter was at childminder (whom she adores), I was charged from 8 am till 6 pm but every chance I had to pick her up earlier I was there ! I ran to pick her up to spend what was left of the day !

The 2.5 hrs a day sge’s in Nursery every day after your OH gets in is a bit of a red herring. It’s “sunk costs” - a cost to you that you are committed to and can’t recoup even if you don’t use the sevice.

The issue is that your OH is not responsible or reliable and is not collecting your dd when he says he would. In doing so is create more expense and annoying the nursery staff. He does realise that when he is late, someone has to stay at work after the time they should have left, and his lateness knocks on to their evening plans? Sometimes lateness cannot be helped. When my dc were in nursery, a huge RTA on the local motorway meant that the nursery has to stay open an extra1.5 hrs for several children, and gave them an extra meal. They did not even charge their usual late fee of £1/minute. However, they also had a policy of asking persistent late offenders to leave. I’d check what you nursery’s policy is on this.

I ant believe that he would rather leave her in nursery than have her at home with him. And I can't believe you would rather her be there to get your monies worth.

Imagine having the opportunity to spend afternoons with your dc when they’re young and just not taking them - and then being even later. That child waiting after everyone else is gone. There are women on here hand-wringing about whether it’s ok to put dc1 in nursery for a few hours while they’re at home with dc2 who still feeds all night - this is really shoddy behaviour and I hope you get some resolution OP, though I sadly doubt it.

Exactly traa. That is the issue.

OK, I'm not sure why you think men need more free time than women.

You need to have a word with yourself about why you are putting up with this and he needs to grow up.

I think men do need more time than women in general
You’ve been well suckered, haven’t you?

I don't get why he doesn't pick her up at 2 tbh

Because he’s incredibly lazy and prefers relaxing at home and imagining he’s 15 again rather than entertaining and looking after a 2 year old? HTH

You lost me at MEN NEED MORE FREE TIME THAN WOMEN!!!! You keep telling yourself that love! Honestly...I've read many ridiculous things on these forums, but that actually left me reeling! You are truly, sadly, deeply misguided. I feel sorry for you.

You do believe that men need more free time than women ?

He does a bit of housework "for you" ?

Everybody, you are all wasting your time here. Might as well go spend the equivalent on the play station...

Op you're quite defensive of your husband so I'm not sure if you're going to get an answer you want anyway. In my opinion you should just have an honest conversation and move the time of collection to 5o clock to allow a buffer. I'd be making it clear I was seriously unimpressed too. I'd also be getting rid of PlayStation if it's that much of a distraction, but I hate adults 'gaming' so maybe bit unreasonable in that one.

Your DH sounds like a 14yr old. Completely pathetic spending his time gaming when he should be parenting , there must be stuff to be done around the house.

Why do men need more free time than women?

I’m not impressed with what I’m reading about him. When my son was at a childminder I did leave him there sometimes till normal time when I got home early as we had no other help and an hour to get things done (housework) was a Godsend.

HOWEVER, the nursery staff have got lives outside of work. I’m surprised their feees are so lenient? I’ve heard of nursery’s charging £1 a minute. They will start getting seriously hacked off if they have to work later just to cater for your DH being late. They should need two members of staff on the premises if children are there (I believe) so that’s two people he’s making late home to their families. It’s just selfish.
Think about other people! Fair enough if your child is happy, I don’t believe they need to spend all their time with their parents and nurseries are fab places, but be considerate of other people’s lives. You need to tell him that he is messing up other people’s time and it’s not right.

own. I cannot possibly imagine finishing work at 2pm but thinking I would rather sit alone and play on my PlayStation rather than either contributing towards housework or picking my child up early and spending the additional time with them

God really? Not gaming as I don't game but time to myself is utterly essential to my mental health.

If his 7-2 hours involved a long commute I could understand the need for a lie in on the Saturday but they don’t and he is effectively working part-time. I have to be up at 5.30 each day the get my train. I’m then back just in time to pick up my daughter from nursery at 6. I don’t get a lie-in on my non-working days. He has a lot of time at home and a lot more down time than a lot of working parents. I can appreciate it is sometimes nice to use the nursery hours to make sure you can get things done or have some spare time but it would upset me that he has consistently prioritised gaming over your daughter.

I find the attitude towards the lateness awful as well. My trains have been late before and I’ve been desperate to get there on time. If I haven’t, I’ve sorted out other arrangements at the station or during the journey. It has always made me feel very anxious and I hate being the last one to collect but out of necessity I often am. It is utterly unacceptable and useless of him to be late because of gaming when he has hours of buffer. You are both so lucky that you don’t have a commute that puts you on the knife edge for making collections and have jobs that could make it easier to spend lots of time with your daughter. This thread might be the wake-up call to think about whether you are making the most of the flexibility his job brings you as a family.

He mops the floor 'for you'

He needs more free time than you for the simple reason that he has a penis.

He is happy to leave a 2 year old in nursery (who cares if it's the best nursery in the world) for 10 hours!!! Yet HE needs downtime after his 7 hour shift.

Fuckin hell. No wonder he can't manage to pick his own daughter up on time.

How many kids do you have!!!

He sounds like a teenager.

I have nothing against gaming btw. My husband goes on his playstation AFTER our daughter has gone to bed and he sure as damn wouldn't be late picking her up cos he was playing a game.

You both sound pretty pathetic tbh.