Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

[ThreeDaysAWeek]

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

I Would forward any emails to him for him to sort payment.

Do you think he would actually give her 100% input, if she was at home?

Or would he put her to bed give her some bricks to play with, whilst he goes back to sit on his playstation for the afternoon?

DH mops the kitchen floor weekly for me

Sorry but this is one of my pet hates. It isn't for you, as a special favour! It's his home so it's for himself too. Hate how men doing necessary household tasks becomes something worthy of special mention and pat on back.

I find it odd that he'd not just get her when he finishes work.

My DH did that when my older DD was little. If he finished work early, before me, he hot footed it down to nursery to get DD.

He won’t tell you why he’s late? ...and you find that acceptable?

I bloody well wouldn’t.

Two days a week he has the responsibility of collecting her. Two days when he finishes work HOURS before he picks her up and he can’t even be arsed to get himself there on time?

I understand it’s good to have some time out and if you have childcare, then why not make the most of it, but to a point.

There’s no way I’d be having her there 10 hours a day, when it’s not necessary. I can’t believe you are happy to have her there three long days so he can sit in his arse playing a game. I wouldn’t want to be with a man who would rather play games three afternoons a week, to the point of being late to collect her or to only stop playing when YOU collect her having been to work all day.

Then your Mum has her on a Saturday to give you ‘me time’?! What’s he doing?

Annie Mum has her Saturday morning only normally 9-11.30ish. Saturday he has his lie-in as he doesn't get one in the week and I insist that Sunday is family day.

For me it wouldn't be about the extra late fee money, it would be her sad little face when she realises that she's the last one to be picked up , particularly the occasion where she was left for half an hour later than all the other parents coming, she must have felt abandoned.

It's one thing to do that due to circumstances out of your control but to do it because you're gaming is disgusting. I would be utterly furious if that was my dh. I don't even like picking up my dc from nursery at closing time as it means she might be the last as everyone round here seems to go early so now I do too.

I would be going mental about this (I wouldn't have let it slide for 3 months) and say if there's one more late pick up I will take a hammer to his stupid gaming device.

DD really won't care about being the last to be picked up, she loves it. She waves her friends off apparently. She's never distressed when picked up late according to both DH and her keyworker.

Your DH is a loser. How can you be happy to let him play silly games while your daughter is in nursery? They should be spending time together. The nursery workers don’t care about your DD, it’s a business so why would they tell you to take her out earlier? You sound really naive OP. If it were me that PlayStation would be in the dustbin. Thankfully my husband had stopped playing games before we married.

There’s no way you know if she “loves” nursery. Only she can tell you how she feels about it once she is grown up. And it’s pretty sad if she does love nursery more than being with her Dad, she mustn’t have a very good relationship with him at all if she’d rather be with nursery staff than her own father.

I'm absolutely with Aaoograhoa on this one. DHs only downfall that I can see here is that he is late on those 2 days. I'd suggest making him set 2 alarms on those days where the first one is like a warning that he needs to start finishing up his game and second is to turn it off ready to leave. I get easily side tracked especially when I'm enjoying a rare bit of hobby time to myself, it's not criminal.

OP this is a really interesting and balanced review of the evidence about the pros and cons of nursery before age 3....

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/02/nurseries-childcare-pre-school-cortisol

I just couldn't get my head around my DH voluntarily leaving our DD in childcare 3 times a week for 2-3 extra hours a day than needed

There’s a lot of sanctmummying going on this thread. Nursery is a perfectly valid place for a child to be left, especially if they love it. He needs to sort out the time management definitely, and ideally get her by 5 to allow a buffer.

My DH will fire up the console if he gets a few hours free. God between us with 2 full time jobs and 2dc we grab whatever downtime we can. I’m a much better parent when I’ve had a rest - especially with 2 year olds, it’s a phase I hated and I would leave mine in nursery as long as I’d paid for!!

As they got older I picked up earlier when possible as I enjoyed their time more!

Glad I'm sure she'd rather be at Nursery than with me and I do loads with her; swimming, soft play, toddler groups, play dates etc. I thought me and her had a great relationship but it was normal for her to prefer Nursery to me, I think it's great she has something away from DH and I that she loves; Nursery have a huge garden with rabbits and a cat, do Forest School, they have mud kitchens, a massive wooden play house with multiple floors we just would never have room for at home. Her friends are there. I like to think I'm raising her to be independent and that she is allowed separate interests away from DH and I.

Saturday she spends half a day with my mum while I get my free time, and the rest of the day we have a chill out day.

So your mum is carrying the can for him too?

How about if he picks up DD on one of his weekdays and has his free time the other day, and he takes DD out on playdayes, to playgrounds, etc on one of the weekdays when you would normally be busy providing activities and entertainment and stimulation for her?

I am puzzled that you use this wording:
It is only on the Tuesday and Wednesday that he's late. DH works every day in the week, but the other days he's not needed to do pickup.
In other words, only on the days when you and his DD and the nursery workers are relying on him to get his act together does he fail to get his act together.

Does he let down his mostly male co-workers like this on a regular basis, or is it only women whose time he disregards, and whose opinion of him doesn't matter?

I suspect he is getting far too much appreciation for the fact that he does housework. You do a lot more with DD than he does, plus housework, plus working. How much of a pat on the back do you give yourself? It's true it seems, that when a man does pretty much the minimum women sometimes fall over themselves giving him credit for it, and excusing behaviour that falls short of expectations on the basis that he is such a prize.

PS, the nursery sounds really wonderful. But he should be punctual. Anything short of that is massively disrespectful to everyone including his daughter.

I like cleaning the bathroom so I do that, but DH mops the kitchen floor weekly for me.

. Says it all.... “mops the kitchen floor FOR ME.” OP: Reas that back to yourself and give your head a wobble.... You’re subconsciously believing he’s your helper not a co-parent.

Worrying to me is that he won't tell you. Big red flag. Why not admit unless he has something to hide?

Secondly is his lack of respect for the nursery staff. Having DC picked up late should be in a emergency only. How would he like to have to work an extra half hour because someone thinks his time is not as important as their playtime? Sounds bloody arrogant to me.

Thirdly I don't get why he does not cherish his time with his daughter. When DS was little DH was doing his MBA which had a very heavy workload. We paid for nursery hours of 8-6 but DH would drop him off late or pick up at 3 if he finished early. He could have spent that time studying but chose to do that when DS was asleep instead. He loved time with his son.

What does your DH do when he gets home on the other days of the week?

Why are you looking fo solutions/ways to tackle it? He pays the overdue bill and you make it clear to him how completely shitty it is of him to be late. I’d go bloody batshit if my my partner was being so selfish and inconsiderate.

Just tell him to stop being late and to set an alarm on his phone.

white DD and I aren't often in when he gets in from work on the other days, swimming is 1-3pm on a Monday so we're out then, and Thursday there's a group I try and get to which is 2-4pm. He's usually gaming when we get in but does turn it off when we come through the door. Sits with DD and reads with her or plays with her.

Other than this one issue he's generally a great guy and DD loves him.

Dd may well love nursery, but maybe the nursery staff would like to get off home on time, or even skive off a touch early now and then rather than stay back late (knowing how poorly nursery staff are paid I doubt they’re getting overtime) just another way of looking at it.
Rather than focus on his housework/fathering skills (I couldn’t care less if dh plays his PS, just not to the detriment of the family) I’d be more concerned that he refuses to tell you why he was late. He’s a grown up, so why can’t he just say why? Also, would he be so blasé about being in a shop past opening hours? So why annoy the people looking after your child?
You need to talk to him and get him to pick her up, at the very least, exactly on time. Taking some time for himself is fine, but you pay for a service until 5.30pm, no longer, so he should be there at that time, or deal with the consequences. Even if it was ‘just’ 5 mins over, which means the staff are delayed 5 mins getting home to their kids etc (which I doubt) why should the staff be inconvenienced just because he has poor time management skills? That’s sheer entitlement, pure and simple. Nurseries, in my experience, have long waiting lists, will easily fill your child’s place, and won’t hesitate to terminate your contract if this continues. We’ve all made that panicked phone call from the car apologising profusely because we’re stuck in traffic or whatever, and agreed to pay the late fees, because it can’t be helped, but that should be the exception rather than the rule.

So what is the actual issue then OP? Plenty of posters have come along to say they see this behaviour as less than ideal but you have defended the situation in terms of DD doesn't mind being picked up late, DD loves nursery and would rather be there than with you, DH helps with housework, it isn't every day... It goes on. If this is all fine according to you, then what is the problem and what advice are you looking for?

What is it with men and their precious bloody gaming? Or men in general and their must-be-protected 'hobbies'?

Can you honestly imagine a thread where a mother sat at home gaming, leaving her dc in nursery for an extra few hours? And then couldn't even make it on time after that?

I'm all for parents having me time, but this is taking the piss.

When my 2 were young I worked a 4 day week after a time. The 5th day was for me to get shopping done, a bit more housework. I did that early then sat on my backside all afternoon, reading or chatting with friends or sometimes watching crap TV. or listening to music No, I didnt think "Ive got 4 hours free let me collect them early. I loved my free time.

What I did NOT do, is be late collecting them from nursery. They had to be collected by 5.45pm I made sure I was there, that was that.

So how exactly is wanting a man to get of his arse go collect his child at the required time, deemed as man-bashing or wanting a man to give up his free time for his child?

Its diversionary to suggest this is the case. Added to that nursery staff aren't actually beholden to an entitled parent who thinks his little solo hobby whatever it may be, is more impotant than anyone. else.

Theres no excuse for the late collection. He's no respect for nursery staff and if they get fed up of it you will have another problem on top of a gamer who somehow when you aren't around, thinks that means extra screen time and if his daughter has to be in nursery 10 hours plus at such a young age to facilitate his precious hobby then so be it. Rubbish behaviour