Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

[ThreeDaysAWeek]

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

Is it possible he is having a nap, over slept. And now is sheepish about fessing up? I work 7-3 And am fairly shattered when I get in. Can easily imagine going for a sleep and missing school pick up if I didn't set an alarm...

I agree with WhatnowHarry, your DH should be collecting your DD on his way home, why wouldn't he want that extra time with your DD? The hours are there for emergencies and if you need them but ultimately surely the best thing for your DD is to be home with her parent? Nursery is exhausting for little ones and your DD is spending most of her life in nursery. With such long working hours your dd is missing out on bonding time with both of you. Your DH has an opportunity to bond with and enjoy time with his toddler daughter. I feel sad thinking that there is a parent at home, yet your toddler is stuck at nursery just because the hours are paid for.

Your DH finishes work at 2pm every day, yet your toddler is in nursery until 5.30pm, that is really not fair on your DD! Nursery is something that you have to pay for, to allow you to make ends meet. It is not the ideal, ideally, your little one should be with one of her primary caregivers. I appreciate that you need to work but you are not your DD's only primary caregiver. Your DH could and should be collecting your little one on his way home!

As for 'free time', if your DH is choosing to game over caring for his toddler DD, then that would be ultimatum time for me. You are paying a lot of money (to nursery) so your DH can sit on his backside and play computer games. I can't believe he has the absolute cheek to swan up late to collect your DD! He has 3.5 hours to do whatever he wants, or 'chill' before your two-year-old is collected! Every weekday!

Also FWIW if he does work full time (7-2/3 is pretty much a full week) and is otherwise a good dad and you are both happywithhis contribution to house/parenting then I don't see why he shouldn't play for a bit in the afternoons when he gets in. Think others are being a bit harsh here saying he should parent in that time. I think lots of us would honestly do the same (although in stead of game takecthevtime to read/watch telly/have a cuppa) if we are honest. I know I would. Time to yourself is important (mum or dad)!

Of course late pick up (after 5.30pm) isn't on though...

When I worked 10-2 my DCs nursery gave me a 9-3 rate. Not sure if they had that as standard but it’s what they charged me for. Could be worth asking if your nursery would do similar.

If I got out at 2 I'd want to pick my kid up before 5:30pm....it's a long day for a young one and it's nice for them to enjoy time at home too. I would be pushing my DH to pick her up earlier and spend some time with her. Its so little to ask when he's off at 2:00 everyday - why does no one else benefit but him? To not even get there on time? Not cool.

I say this as a full time working parent with two in daycare - my husband get this feedback from me too

Personally if it were me I would throw it in the bin and tell him to grow the fuck up. 3+ hours of gaming per day as a grown man is pathetic

Yep, me too.

As someone else said, what you’re paying for the nursery is a sunk cost. Your logic is off; it’s not like you’ll get that £40 back to spend on groceries if he picks her up earlier.

Man-child.

OP doesn't say every day. She says Tuesday's and Wednesdays...

Also what's with all the dad bashing. It is perfectly possible to be a good parent, but still take a few (already paid for by your joint income) hours a week to yourself.

Also. DD loves nursery (again see Ops posts). Her extra time there isn't the issue. Just the late pick ups.

^^I'm not saying it's not okay sometimes to leave the kids at daycare and get other things done to clarify........but daily? To play video games. No

If he was using those hours to say, go for a run or do some study then I dont think you all would have such a problem....
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My 2 year old is in daycare 3 days a week. Its open 7-6 but I've only ever had her in 8-5 to cover my work hours. Right now I'm on mat leave with a newborn and she goes 9-3, sometimes I pick her up at 2. I don't ever worry about the time I've 'paid for'. I'd rather her have some time at home with me and not such a long day. She would be exhausted if she was there until 6!

It's not daily!

Couldn’t care less if it was the mum or the dad. The kid is 2, and she was in nursery for 10.5 hours straight so that her parent could have time playing PlayStation. Pathetic.

Why is it pathetic to play PlayStation for a while? How does that make you pathetic?

Yes yes yeppity yep to everything CaledonianQueen says.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

I would feel sorry for our DD if DH chose to sit on his arse playing a video game rather than spending that time with DD. He wouldn't anyway, he works long hours and every spare second he can he spends with me/her because to him that time is precious

Ok, so £5.50 an hour. She's at nursery 10 hours a day. So £55 a day. Let's say your DH can collect for 3 30, giving him a little under an hour to shower, grab a snack, change, check emails, whatever. Takes DD down to 8 hours, which works out at a little under £7 an hour. Does it make it feel less of a bad financial decision to pick her up early if you think of it in those terms? Especially knowing a late pick up won't set you back up to £20 a week if he's aiming for 3.30.

It is only on the Tuesday and Wednesday that he's late. DH works every day in the week, but the other days he's not needed to do pickup.

Monday and Thursdays I'm not working so we do loads together; swimming, soft play, play dates, time with cousins etc.

Saturday she spends half a day with my mum while I get my free time, and the rest of the day we have a chill out day.

Sunday is family day and sometimes DH will take her out by himself and spend time with her.

Friday I pick her up at 4.30ish when I get in, DH is usually gaming then but turns it off when we get in.

I don't mind her being in Nursery until 5.30, we've paid for it, she loves it and I trust the staff would tell me if they felt she needed picking up earlier. It's honestly not about him needing to spend time with her.

The kid is 2, and she was in nursery for 10.5 hours straight so that her parent could have time playing PlayStation. Pathetic

^
Exactly

Maybe when staff get pissed off with having to wait around for him he can give the excuse he was gaming - see where that gets him.

Gamers are akin to excessive mobile phone users - selfish and entitled, thinking their screen life and time trumps everybody else's real life. I can never be bothered with them, everything centres around "the people in the machine". 😴

Why is it pathetic to play PlayStation for a while? How does that make you pathetic?

Because when you’re a parent your time is no longer your own. I cannot possibly imagine finishing work at 2pm but thinking I would rather sit alone and play on my PlayStation rather than either contributing towards housework or picking my child up early and spending the additional time with them. There are so many hundreds of more worthwhile things that a grown man could productively do with 3+ hrs a day, than sit alone and play a video game.

Hmm lots of man bashing and wild assumptions that OPs DH must be a bad dad on this thread...

Seems to me the only issue OP is bothered on are the late pick ups and I totally see her point there.

OP can you tell DH that nursery have rung and told you late pick ups might result I you losing her place?

Good luck!

Even 4.30 (just over £6 an hour) to give him some gaming time (which I don't really have a problem with until it seems like he's getting into addictive patterns), if he doesn't have a mindset like "well, I said 4.30 but there's no penalty to playing another half hour"

Lol. FWIW Frilly I can totally see myself taking few hours a week (where it doesn't impact the family) to chill and do what I want. Whats wrong with that? I work hard. I'm a mum to two and work full time. But am no blinking martyr.

wild assumptions that OPs DH must be a bad dad on this thread...

The OP states as a fact that her DH chooses to leave their daughter in nursery for ten and a half hours so that he can have an afternoon playing video games instead of picking her up and spending the additional hours with her. There are no assumptions as far as I’m concerned he is a shit parent.

He does housework. He will cook, hoover, change the beds and doing washing.

Washing up we take it in turns to do, whoever cooks the other washes up.

I like cleaning the bathroom so I do that, but DH mops the kitchen floor weekly for me.

He doesn't do it "for you" OP, he lives there too.

Sorry, not the point of the thread.

I think he is just getting caught up in his gaming and doesn't give a shit about being late for the nursery staff or his DD.

So he's actually leaving DD is nursery for a few extra hours 3 days a week to play video games? It's just that he only has to pick her up on 2 days....

I would have thought one of the major advantages to finishing work at 2pm when you have a toddler is the extra time that parent would have to spend with their young child?

I have to say this would cause a serious problem in my relationship with DH if he was doing this.

And I wouldn't necessarily put all my faith in nursery letting you know if they felt she needed less time there.... it is paying their wages afterall...