Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

[ThreeDaysAWeek]

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

I’ve had a day off gaming shrugs I was on time for collection but otherwise I don’t get the issue. I’ve also had a day off with dc in nursery so I could read a book all day- is that a problem too?

I would focus on the respect for nursery staff (I completely agree with other posters that he’s being disrespectful).

That and time management for dummies.

So he games 2.15pm until 4.30pm minimum five days a week? And you think that's normal?

So your DH chooses to spend very little time with his DD apart from the occasional Sunday - it sounds like your mum spends more quality time with your DD than your DH does!

You do the lions share of parenting in addition to the housework unless your DH ‘helps out’. Tbh it sounds like you infantilise him - so it’s not surprising his can’t cope with the ‘responsibility’ of two pick ups a week. Or feels like it’s ok to lie about his lateness. When is he going to act like a grown up? And when are you going to expect him to?

Come on OP - so he gets to play on his PlayStation for at least 2 hours everyday and on the 2 days that he could spend extra time with her he leaves her in nursery- he sounds a delight. He could even pick her up at 4 - that gives him 2 hours, it's an awful long time for a 2 year old to be in childcare unnecessarily. To be honest, it would really upset me if my child preferred being somewhere else than at home with me or her dad.

I completely understand having down time, it's definitely needed with young kids but his is excessive - he could have her on a Saturday but your mum is having to carry the can for your man-child.

Like pp's I'd throw the bloody thing in the bin and tell him to grow up!!

I drop off and DH picks up. We still do this even if DH wasn't at work that day or finished early. It's called shared parenting.

Do you have seperate finances or shared finances with a separate pot each month for personal spends? If so he pays the late fee from his money.

I'm with most others on this. I used to race Home so that I could pick up as early as possible. Not sure why you would leave her there.

I find it very odd that he isn’t collecting your DD as soon as he is out of wo work.

Fgs...the bosom hoikers are out in force here aren't they?

OP your dh has got caught up in something, possibly gaming, possibly something else...and has lost track of time on those specific days. Yes it's lax and self-centred of him...and yes, he is downplaying how late he was. Give him what for regarding that lateness and make it clear that it is unacceptable for him to be so casual about it. The nursery staff are not there to indulge his free time ffs...it's not on for him to stroll in late because he had something more interesting to do. Tell him to pull his head out of his arse.

The rest of you - just stop with the gaming shaming for crying out loud! Just because it's not something YOU enjoy or get something out of, does not mean it's a worthless pursuit. Anyone can get caught up in anything...mumsnet for example, which some people might argue is a complete waste of time that could be better spent elsewhere doing something 'more productive' - are you 'pathetic' or is it ok because it's something YOU like? Fuck off tearing this guy to shreds. The OP doesn't mind him gaming so why the hell should you? I'll analyse YOUR free time and rudely tell you how it could be better spent according to my own interests shall I? I'm sure you'd all thank me for that.

But he doesn't pick her up until 2 right? So you'd be paying for the full day anyway whether she was there until 2 or 5:30pm.

I used to have to put DD in nursery ridiculously early from a young age to commute, I'd always pick her up if I got back early even though I'm aware I too lost money that way. They're very long days for little ones and they don't stay little long.

On your DH. No I dont think he is doing it deliberately. I do think he is being a deliberate lazy arse though. Tell him if DD is late to be picked up one more time, you're selling his playstation to pay for the invoices. He's a grown man, make him act like one.

The rest of you - just stop with the gaming shaming for crying out loud! Just because it's not something YOU enjoy or get something out of, does not mean it's a worthless pursuit. Anyone can get caught up in anything...mumsnet for example, which some people might argue is a complete waste of time that could be better spent elsewhere doing something 'more productive' - are you 'pathetic' or is it ok because it's something YOU like? Fuck off tearing this guy to shreds. The OP doesn't mind him gaming so why the hell should you? I'll analyse YOUR free time and rudely tell you how it could be better spent according to my own interests shall I? I'm sure you'd all thank me for that.

I agree, what do some posters have against gaming yet they'll happily spend hours browsing a forum?

Those in glass houses...

I really don't understand parents who keep their children in nursery because they've 'paid for it'
Your child will only be little once, don't waste that precious time
It's not about the money, it really isn't
Just because your paid till 5.30 really doesn't mean she has to stay till then

Can't believe someone was going on about 'the people in the screen' on an internet chat thread about when someone else's kid gets picked up from nursery

Personally I think he should be picking her up straight away on one of his early finish days and absolutely on time but preferably by about 5:15 on the other, plus looking after her while you have your free time on a Saturday. And you should rapidly bin off the 'mopping the floor for me' mindset and all that it entails.

So basically he games 3-4 hours a day. So let's get this straight:

Monday to Friday - finishes work and games for 3-4 hours until either his wife turns up with dd, or he manages to get to childcare. Is late multiple times to childcare.
I assume she's not up very late and there isn't a lot of evening time spent with dd.

Saturday - spends half a day gaming instead of looking after his daughter.

So basically he spends say one 8 hour Sunday with his daughter, 5 ish hours on a Saturday. But around 25 hours a week gaming?

The time he spends gaming is equivalent to a part time job.

I'm having to put my LO in nursery three days a week starting next month. I feel really fucking shit about it now. Just what I needed.

Oh, trust me, it’s not about the gaming. I’d say the same thing if he was mumsnetting, building Lego villages or watching cartoons.

I think there’s a bit of snobbery about gaming. Arguably it’s better than watching telly/reading a book which are both passive.

I had a Day recently where the children were in nursery and I spent it reading a novel. It was bloody great. It was the first book I’d managed to read in 8 months though as I’m usually in work or with children or doing housework or knackered after that. I saw it as a treat to myself and had minimal guilt. That said, if I’d had the option of keeping them off and not paying for nursery I’d probably not have done it. I also felt the children weren’t in particular need of parent time as they’d had lots more than usual due to Christmas.

I do think your DH an awful lot of me time. We have never managed that since having children. My DH would be delighted to get an hour of daytime to himself once a week.

Picking up from nursery late is a fuck you to the staff. Even if they are paid extra, which I doubt, they might want to get home on time.

Does your DH get 1:1 time with DC? If he can’t manage it don’t have any more children. A nursery pick up is hardly quality caring,

My husband enjoys gaming too and I'd agree with others. Caught up in his game, didn't realise the time and left too late!

Shared finances so late fees come out of the joint account, DH won't even notice it's gone.

I'm happy with the free time I get, I love spending time with DD and would love to finish work early enough to spend more time with her. That's not to say DH doesn't enjoy her or love her, but he always has needed more free time than me, I'm fine with that, I think men do need more time than women in general. I just want him to pick her up on time or tell me why he can't.

He can’t be bothered to look after her and would prefer to sit at home relaxing.

End the nursery at 3pm Ffs. It’s far too long for a 2 year old to be there. Of course she’d prefer to be with you or her dad rather than there.

Oh right. Well, see ya

Can i come at it from a different point of view.
When I worked in nurseries we had someone who regularly did this and it resulted in staff missing buses and being an hour later home at least but also late to collect their own children from childminders.

On that basis it is massively disrespectful to sit and game till late.