Is DH deliberately leaving DD at Nursery? and why?

[ThreeDaysAWeek]

First post, but long time lurker.

DD (whose 2) goes to Nursery 3 days a week. I drop her off at 7.30am, and get to work for 8amish, then work 8.15am – 4.45pm apart from Friday when I finish at 3.45pm. Nursery closes at 5.30pm so there’s no way on a Tuesday and Wednesday I can get to pick her up in time.

DH works full time but does 7am-2pm, and works a short walk from our home, so is home by 2.15pm every day. On a Tuesday and Wednesday we agreed he’d walk the mile to the Nursery and pick DD up, we pay for her to be in until 5.30pm so I’ve said to DH that as long as he gets her by then he can game/chill out at home for those 2 and half hours he’s got spare. Literally all he needs to do is take care of DD for that walk as I’m usually only a few minutes at most behind him getting through the door usually I get in just before they do.

Last week I had to attend a Staff Meeting after work on Tuesday and there was an accident on the motorway on Wednesday so I got stuck in traffic so was home late both days. I’ve just received an invoice from the Nursery –I deal with all paperwork regarding the Nursery etc so it comes to my email-- asking the payment for “unarranged late pickup” for two days last week; Tuesday and Wednesday (it’s not unusual to receive these things in the middle of the night as the finance manager is also a member of normal nursery staff so works with the children in the day!). According to the invoice on Tuesday she was picked up at 5.45pm, and on Wednesday at 6pm. This is the 3rd time in as many months I’ve received an invoice.

DH won’t tell me what he’s doing to make him late to pick DD up from Nursery and claims the Nursery are being overly fussy about “5 minutes or so”. I know they won’t be as it states in the contract with them they only charge from 15 minutes or more lateness so I know he must be being late to pick her up by that much. So my only conclusion is it must be deliberate.

It’s not a huge amount of money (£5 for every 15 minutes your late so £15 for the entire invoice) and we can afford it but it doesn’t seem fair to be delayed deliberately when DH has the time to pick her up.
DH is definitely not cheating/having an affair, firstly he works in a mostly male environment where the gossip is rife and no-one can even go the toilet without someone knowing and secondly my brother works with him (DH recommended DBro for the job) so my brother would be aware and would most definitely tell me if DH was getting some somewhere else –we’re twins and have always been close, we literally predict when we’re going to text/phone each other, even my mum finds it weird!--. He doesn’t go anywhere and has no hobbies apart from “gaming” (don’t get me started) so there’s definitely no OW.

So AIBU to think DH is deliberately leaving DD in Nursery? And if so what’s he doing?

I would wonder why DH did not willingly want to pick up DD earlier than 5:30 given he is out early morning most days and unable to spend this time with child. Perfect opportunity for him to spend time together before evening/bedtime kicks in. However each to own and this is not the main issue for you OP.

I would want this resolved/discussed sooner rather than later. This may seem a small delay/late coming at the moment but if this continues your DD will become aware that daddy does not arrive on time
for her pickup and will undoubtedly affect her as she gets older. As a parent the priority is your child first and foremost (however much you like doing anything else whatever that may be) and she must receive this message and feel secure that this is the case. Whether “nursery” is there to fill the 15 min gap is not the point. Good Luck x

He wouldn’t want to do any of those things at this point in the year (and didn’t get the Lego bug) and no he doesn’t kick off if I turn the console off we do have the occasional meltdown due to sensory overload but I’m pretty tuned in to him and his needs the majority of the time.

As for walking in the woods, he likes to do that when its conker season.

I do like your assumptions though. I’ll be sure to ask if he wants to go for a brisk walk when he notes the clock and declares it’s halo time while brandishing a controller.

OP, you are martyring yourself and setting a poor example for your DD. Stop mothering your DH. He's an adult.

Genius1308, great post.

I think you should show that to your blithe DH, OP.

I reckon the kid is better off at nursery if this is the type of bollocks that gets spouted at home. She’ll be getting some sort of example from the staff (hopefully!) about equality and how to not be a martyr to a man.
Rod for your own back op. Don’t bother speaking to dh, he won’t listen anyway, he knows he’s got you where he wants you. Suck it up and simper sweetly when the next late bill comes in, mustn’t upset your man

Some of you are so up your own arse and nasty. If you were made of chocolate you'd eat yourselves.

I agree with others that he could pick her up at two on one of the days and spend some quality time with her.

I think men do need more time than women in general.

Why, FFS? There is simply no good reason why they should. And do children need less time with their fathers than their mothers?

Anyone who thinks taking a toddler to the park for two hours at 3pm in January after almost a full day in nursery is quality time is surely delusional. Also there are no toddler groups at 3pm, and anyone who has a child remotely close to toddler age would know that. Nor do I see why taking a toddler to a cafe is so much more fun than letting her eat with her friends, unless she is being given sugary treats.

Late afternoon is the shittest part of the day with a toddler in winter - the more I think about it the more I don't understand the obsession with picking children up early. Unless of course people's have children who are unhappy in their childcare settings, in which case that is the problem.

Obviously he should pick her up in good time though.

Parents are allowed to make time for themselves. The only problem is him being late to pick up his daughter. I see no issue in him not rushing over to pick her up as soon as her finishes work.

I love my daughter but I don't love spending every second of not free-time with her. It's not healthy to not have your own time at all, ever. So what if she spends a couple of hours in nursery that she didn't absolutely need to? She comes out of nursery happy and meets a happy mummy. Win win.

Agree will the other posts baffled at why he wouldn't want to pick up his daughter when he finishes work. How has this situation even developed? I get that all relationships and tolerance levels differ but you have a child and you are both parents. You are being a total doormat and your DD will grow up thinking her dad's time is more important than hers and yours. You should be arriving home to tea on the table, little one fed and bathed and ready for cuddles with mummy before she goes to bed! Sorry but he is being a total selfish prick and you're letting him.

I always wonder why couples choose to have children if they work full time and therefore spend hardly any time with their children. And why would the DH rather have a couple of hours 'off' from his child than collect the child at the right time and spend time with him/her. Is it the status of being parents or because all their friends are having them.

I don't understand why there's such disbelief that any parent could want some alone time rather than picking their DC up from nursery early...

Some couples have a SAHP and still use nursery.

Whether OP's DH is in the right or wrong there's a lot of supposition on this thread.

DD used to go to nursery 3 days a week from 8 months because I was at Uni and DH was working. He'd drop her off on his way and pick her up on his way home - so she'd be there from around 8.15am - 5.30pm.
Nursery was open 6.30am - 7pm and some people had their children there all of that time because they were working.
Whilst DD was at nursery the day was structured so as to allow the children 'down time' (otherwise known as "taking a nap") so no children were awake for 12+ hours.
Parents had 'agreed hours' - so parent A might have 6.30am - 7pm, parent B might have 9am -2pm and so on. If you picked up late, you were charged £5 per 5 minutes. I believe the very first instance of lateness (if within 5 minutes) was usually allowed with good grace but with a warning of future fees.

The issue here is what he is doing that makes him later so that he is not picking up within their DD's agreed hours. If he's gaming all that time then yes, he is being selfish. If he is mixing gaming with working from home, it may be that he is working. We don't know. All we can speculate is that he has bad time management skills.

Hopefully by now OP has the issue resolved.

"I always wonder why couples choose to have children if they work full time and therefore spend hardly any time with their children"

Seriously? People who work full time shouldn't have children?

And why would the DH rather have a couple of hours 'off' from his child than collect the child at the right time and spend time with him/her.

Many toddlers and pre-schoolers dislike running errands so a quick shop at the supermarket or haircut before pick up is doing parent and child a favour.

I always wonder why couples choose to have children if they work full time and therefore spend hardly any time with their children.

Really?!

I always wonder why couples choose to have children if they work full time and therefore spend hardly any time with their children

Funny, I always assume that adults who want to spend every waking hour with a two year old have either no friends, no hobbies or both.

I can’t believe how much this thread has derailed!

The fact is the OPs DH was late when he needed to be on time and is refusing to explain. I would find it incredibly disrespectful if someone missed an appointment with me and didn’t explain it, that also applies to my young children.

Some people think the time of women and young children (ie the nursery) is worth less than the time of Men Who Are Important. I suspect OP’s DH might think this if his attitudes are similar to that of OP.

Leaving here there so he can have some downtime = Fine.

Continuously picking her up late = Not fine.

Funny, I always assume that adults who want to spend every waking hour with a two year old have either no friends, no hobbies or both.

Bit harsh. You can rebuke a specific twattish comment without throwing shade at huge swathes of other parents.

spend every waking hour with a two year old

Except when you take into account his working day, his "me time" gaming, and the time a 2 year old goes to bed, he'll probably have spent one waking hour with his DD. If that were me dammed right I'd pick her up as soon as I finished work.

F you use a child care setting you need to pick the child up on time. Staff have a life outside work and do need to finish on time. If this continuously happened once your child is in school the school red flag this with social services. Your husband needs to sort this out now because school will not tolerate it.

I always wonder why couples choose to have children if they work full time and therefore spend hardly any time with their children.

Unless both of us work full time we cannot pay rent and meet essential costs

Anyway. I have a similar conversation with DH at times- if I finish work early, I collect the dc early from the cm (or pick ds2 up from school and then get ds3 from the cm, if it's mega early). If he finishes work early, he makes the most of a couple of free hours and picks them up at normal time. I think he is weird- why would you leave the dc in childcare when you don't need to? He thinks I am mad for not grasping any chance I get of free time, points out that we pay for childcare whether it's used or not and that the dc love being with the cm. The point is that we both do what works for us-it definitely is good for his mental health to have the odd few hours alone, it definitely would be bad for mine to leave the dc in childcare when they could be with me.